reason for existing

-x-

When Rei pulled his Mazda into an underground parking lot, Masumi blinked and looked out the window, searching for a sign or a landmark on the street that would identify the high-rise apartment building. They were somewhere in Shinjuku, but she thought they were only passing through to get back to Haido.

"Let's go to my place for a bit," Rei said as he put his car in park and shut off the engine. Noticing Masumi's wide-eyed stare, he chuckled and depressed his seatbelt button. "Why are you so surprised? You want to go back to your hotel already?"

"You're weird today," Masumi remarked. "It's kinda disturbing. Are you plotting something?"

Rei only answered with an enigmatic smile without meeting her eyes and pulled the door handle, stepping out of the vehicle. Shrugging, Masumi unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car, deciding that she might as well make the most of it before she woke up from the dream. Something was nagging at her, like the devil's whisper reminding her that all good things come to an end, but she wasn't quite sure what or why.

The past ten hours had been nice, almost surreal. They went for a walk in Beika Park before wandering over to Haido City Shopping Mall where they grabbed lunch, then they stopped by Tokyo Skytree, which opened two years ago, before they spent the rest of the afternoon in Shibuya, where they also had dinner. She'd been the one doing most of the talking throughout the day, telling him about her college adventures, her Chicago experience, and the absurdity of American presidential elections – among other things. It wasn't until the quiet drive through Shinjuku that she began to feel the onset of jetlag and fatigue.

"So was today your day off or something?" Masumi asked when they were in the elevator going up to the twelfth floor.

"Sort of," Rei said, keeping his gaze on the elevator display.

"What were you doing at the hotel yesterday?"

"Work."

"Still that same case or whatever?"

The elevator dinged and jolted to a halt, its doors opening on their destination floor. "It's related," Rei said as he walked out of the elevator, pulling out a set of keys to unlock the door to his apartment.

"Is it okay that I'm hanging out with you, then?"

Rei gave her a wry smile as he pushed open the door and flipped the light switch in the foyer. "Too late for that, isn't it?" Locking the door behind her after she entered, he added, "If it wasn't okay, I wouldn't look for you."

Masumi flashed a sheepish smile and changed into the slippers that Rei handed her. "Did something change?" she asked in a quiet voice as she stepped into the living room while Rei disappeared into the kitchen. The grey sofa looked soft and inviting, big enough for her to sleep on. She yawned and shook her head, as if she could shake off the jetlag drowsiness like a dog shaking off water. Maybe she should turn on the TV. He had a nice 46" LED TV.

"Do you want something to drink?" Rei asked from the kitchen, sounding far away. "I have bourbon and brandy."

Masumi furrowed her brows and turned to the kitchen. Her American friends often threw parties with plenty of cheap beer and mixed drinks going around, but the atmosphere here seemed a bit different. "I don't have a preference," she said, making her way to the kitchen, and watched as Rei set two tumbler glasses on the counter.

"Bourbon then," Rei said and reached for a bottle of copper-colored spirit from the shelf. "On the rocks?" he asked, looking at Masumi.

She frowned again, thinking that she didn't particularly care, but said, for the lack of a better response, "Sure."

The ice clinked when Rei passed a glass to her, and she studied the reddish liquid, breathing in the smell of charred oak. She sipped at it and grimaced when the liquid burned her throat and sent heat rising from her stomach, leaving behind a taste that was akin to burnt toast in molasses.

"It's an acquired taste," Rei said dryly, and Masumi shifted her gaze to him. He hit the switch on the wall, leaving them in partial darkness illumined only by the light in the foyer until he turned on the table lamp next to the sofa. "Do your brothers know you're back?" he asked as he sat down on the couch and gestured Masumi to join him.

"Nope," she replied, sinking back into the throw pillows, and took another sip of her bourbon, its fiery and unique taste never subsiding. God, it was really comfortable on the sofa, and Masumi felt like she could fall asleep any minute there. She glanced at Rei, suddenly deciding that she liked him sitting there, looking casual and relaxed with one arm draped over the back of the couch. "Have you talked to Kichi-nii lately?" she asked and then realized it was a dumb question. If he hadn't contacted her, why would he contact her brother whom he knew less well?

"Not since college," he said, smiling faintly as if he'd read her thoughts. "What's he up to these days?"

Masumi shrugged and swallowed a gulp of liquor, trying not to wince. She was beginning to feel dizzy and very, very sleepy, but after a glimpse at the almost empty glass in Rei's hand, she also got the strong urge to not lose. She held out her glass and looked expectantly at Rei. Cheers, or something. Hell if she knew what for. Rei smiled, and she mirrored his expression when he clinked their glasses together.

She felt as if flames were consuming her from the inside after she downed her drink, and she set the glass on the coffee table, making a face as she wiped her mouth with the back of her wrist. "This shit's strong," she murmured, sliding down to rest her head on the armrest, and closed her eyes while a voice in her head asked why she didn't lean the other way to use Rei as a pillow.

Because there's still a wall between us.

Because we're still undefined.

Her heart thumped, faster than usual, and she cracked her eyes open when she felt Rei shift closer to her. He was leaning over her and placed a warm hand on her cheek.

"You okay?" he asked. "Want some water?"

Shaking her head, she caught his hand before he could pull away. "Just jetlagged," she said and twisted her torso to lie more on her back where she could see him better. There was a beat, and she applied a slight pressure to his hand. "Can you stay here?" she asked. With me? For a little longer?

"I'm not going anywhere," he said and leaned forward again, running his fingers through her hair when she let go of his hand.

The tip of her nose itched, and Masumi blinked away the tears that prickled her eyes. She missed his touch that brought forth tranquility in a mesmerizing way, one that she'd never found elsewhere. She missed his presence, a solidity that she'd depended upon when the ground beneath her feet had threatened to give way. And she missed just being able to look at him. At the uncountable expressions on his face that swung from the obvious to the unreadable, at his eyes, at his lips...

She sat up abruptly, hearing a loud pulse in her ears, and cupped his cheeks as she kissed him, tasting the same charred oak that had assaulted her throat earlier. She didn't want to stop, fearing that if she did, she would be all alone again with no way out. Feeling his weight against her, she followed where he was pushing her and landed on her back with him on top of her, her breath growing ragged while her heart raced from both the alcohol and desire.

When he broke their kiss, she looked at him in confusion, still holding his face. She could tell that he wanted to say something, but her mind was swimming and she was feeling incredibly warm. "Don't stop," she said.

"Masumi," he said, leaning in to kiss her again.

"Please don't stop," she whispered, hating the way he said her name because it sounded identical to his tone from six years ago.

"Will you do something for me?"

"Huh?" she breathed, her fingers tangled in his hair. "Do what?"

"Can I tell you when the time comes?"

"Yeah, sure," she said and pulled him in for another kiss, letting out a soft hum when his hands wandered down her body and sent something electrifying through her.

"It might hurt you," he said against her lips.

"Yeah?" How so? she wanted to ask but then decided that nothing could hurt her more than the dark days in Chicago, a grief that she'd locked away deep in her mind and only simply mentioned to others. "I'll deal with that when the time comes," she added, drawing from the past and ignoring the inner alarms going off, because at this moment, only one thing mattered to her, and she wasn't going to let it go before she could even get ahold of it. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back when his mouth trailed to her neck and his hands slid under her shirt.

Maybe this was as good a definition as any.