Hi there!
I know, I'm late, sorry guys, I've been a little busy lately and I took a little more time for this chapter because it's been slightly more delicate to write considering the inevitable change of tone into a more serious one... Yep, if you are wondering, this one here is the "break-up chapter". Sorry guys, I know that a few of you have asked if I could consider to keep Vauseman together by maybe changing circumstances, but I couldn't. I'm actually trying to to stay as much faithful to the original storyline and events as I can, so it would have been impossible for me to change the outcome of their relationship :( But there is still another chapter left for this story, so it doesn't end like this, don't worry :) Anyway, there is a brief mention of Alex's mom here as expected, and even if I just said that I'm trying to remain faithful to facts and informations from the first three seasons of the show, I absolutely refuse to believe that Alex would have let her mom live in a trailer park considering how much she loved her and how loaded of money she was at the time, so that's kinda the only part I decided to change a little.
But now I'll leave you to the chapter...
Enjoy
It's not rare, especially during particularly lazy and pleasantly calm days of absolute rest where yours and Alex's only concern is to bask in the much needed peacefulness and in the warm, comforting presence of the other in a cozy... domestic enviroment, without the usual rush and frenzy of every other day, for you to spend those quiet moments stealing lingering, loving glances at your lover while indulging in the delicate - almost forbidden, although very tempting - thought about what a future with her could be like.
At first, such thoughts might actually seem a little too "daring", in a dreamy, childish kind of way, but after so much time, years, spent together, you easily admit that you can no longer imagine what a life, your life, without Alex would be like.
The eventuality of being somehow forced into a scenario where she isn't there with you scares you the more you think about it.
A great part of you recognizes to be a little afraid that what you have become, the way you have matured in your time spent with Alex, the way she has brought to the surface and enriched the once hidden parts of your personality, and especially the way your heart has blossomed, fed by the all-consuming burning sentiment that you feel for her and that she always shows to you, will wither and die. Leaving you as the lonely, bare, leafless twig that you didn't know you were before her entry in your life.
There is no doubt in your mind that Alex is now a fondamental root in the metaphorical flowering Wisteria tree that has become your life, and you refuse to acknowledge the idea of a world where you and her might not stay together, although being perfectly aware of such possibility, but at the same time, for how paradoxical, you find difficult to picture a future with the woman that you love more than anything, in an actual, tangible, real way for many reasons...
The first one is that you know that Alex isn't exactly the settle-down kind of woman.
An impression that you had since the first time you've seen her, and that has eventually been reinforced the more time you've spent with her.
You know that Alex can't be contained.
The wildness that lives in her bloodstream doesn't certainly allow captivity.
Especially not in some clichè suburban house with a white picket fence.
But you would never, ever dare to tie a collar of property around her elegant neck and force her into any restricted, conventional relationship-life-scenario that she isn't comfortable with.
You're still not sure if that's the kind of life you want either. But still, it doesn't stop you from innocently fantasizing in a "less traditional" way. Especially if you indulge in the particular, kinky though of Alex wearing that black leather collar encrusted with diamonds that you've imagined; the perfect item to show her strength and resistance as well as her rare, precious, inestimable beauty, but which also points to a complete contrast between what your real, usual dynamic in bed is.
You think that to satisfy a certain fantasy, you wouldn't mind be the one wearing it actually, if it is Alex the one who holds the leash...
You distract yourself in these more pleasant and enjoyable thoughts because you are really trying to avoid the main issue; that even if it wasn't for Alex's untamed nature, there's still one more weighty problem that is probably the major reason why - on a remote region of your mind - you don't think you and Alex could stay truly, happily together ever after like this.
And it has to do with her very arguable job.
You are perfectly aware of what kind of job it is that Alex does, although you prefer not to acknowledge it, preferring to keep that part of your shared life hidden, locked away into some shadowed, dusty corner of your mind with the rest of the pile of all the other things you have always decided to ignore or deliberately weight inadequately just like it has been taught to you since you were very little, and repeated to you till your early adult years.
But you can't pretend that the reason why you are always someplace new isn't because of Alex's work schedule. And when you... offer, to carry a bag full of money on the other side of the world, that option to keep pretending is really no longer available. Not even in your incredibly contradictory mind.
You do it because you want to feel the thrill that comes with doing - for once - something bad and forbidden and dangerous and very very much illegal. But in such occasion, that wave of thrill becomes so high that it borders the line where it is an enjoyable kind of excitement and turns into real authentic fear in the moment you realize that the luggage hasn't shown up at your arrival.
The unexpected situation really tests your already thin control, almost succeeding in breaking it for good, and the fact that in the end everything turns out perfectly fine just like Alex had assured you it would, it doesn't soothe you, and the thought of not having been caught doesn't make you feel as relieved as you were hoping to feel.
Your heart seems to race for hours. So hard and fast that you can barely control the shaking of your sweaty hands.
Much to your surprise Alex doesn't notice it. She just grins mischievously at you with sharp excitement for a good part of the ride to the hotel, where she remains true to her words as soon as you step in your room and proceeds to devour you with devotion and enthusiasm as her favorite, most delicious meal.
You welcome the distraction offered by the wonderful sensation of her body against yours, of her lips and hands and tongue touching, licking and kissing every inch of you, making you soon forget even your own name, not to mention the airport unforeseen issue as you allow yourself to get lost in those feelings and in the comfort that you find in the fact that Alex is there. With you.
By the time you are left as a spent, although incredibly sated mess, your heart is beating only at the familiar, warm rhythm of affection, without a trace of concern; Alex has made sure to take those away from you with her loving attentions. But even after the delightful moment of passion, a thought still presents in your mind. The same one that made you reluctant before your departure for this kind of... assignment.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to do something like that again Alex," You tell her as soon as you find your voice, looking as your lover turns on her side to take a better look at you before you continue with a shake of your head. "I can't. And I don't want to."
You don't have to specify what are you talking about. This time she does recognize the signs of light concern as they starts to surface again, and even if you keep your voice as a soft whisper, as if you are revealing her a secret or something, you still make sure to be clear that it's been just a one time thing.
As Alex takes in the light lines of concern on your features your mind drifts for a minute, considering that even if this one wasn't one her specific assignments, the extremely stressful experience still makes you wonder how she could stay into such business and not be constantly afraid of getting caught or... worse.
You still remember the rainy day when you decided to ignore all those lessons from your childhood and asked her how she got into this kind of... profession.
At first, she threw you one of her very expected jokes. A plain tentative to distract you, but when you didn't laugh so sincerely, she became more quiet, then hesitant, and then noticeably nervous, tilting her head up and running a hand through her hair as she flexed her jaw and diverted her gaze from your inquisitive, although very light one.
You recognized those signs of reluctance immediately, and you were right to the point to apologize and dismiss the question because despite the sensivity of the subject your intention was never the one to upset your lover, but eventually, before you could say anything, she decided to tell you the whole story from the beginning.
You were already aware of her past and of what her childhood had been like; of the fact that she was bullied, mocked at school by mean girls of your same social class. It wasn't the first time she told you that, but it was the first one she went into the hurtful details, talking about how she and her mom used to live, how much her mother had to work to give her a decent life, how growing up fatherless had been like, and how awfully it went when she decided to meet him. That same night she also met the guy that is now one of her... closest collegues.
By the time she finished you had a lump of sadness and something very close to guilt stuck in your throat. You still remember that uncomfortable, chocking-like sensation as much as the badly masked, pained expression covering Alex's face.
You've had all you ever wanted growing up.
Alex didn't have such luxury.
But she had a very loving mother.
"What did you want to do?" You remember asking her eventually after having swallowed hard and forced a smile on your lips through your slightly watery eyes before putting a little more of effort to make your voice sound lighter when she looked at you with confused, distant eyes at your question.
"You know, once you grew up, when you were a kid. What did you want to do?"
You don't think being a drug dealer was Alex's big dream. Or that doing this job and spending so much time in such a dangerous, toxic enviroment has become part of her identity, because she is so much more than what she does for a living.
You've watched her shrug one shoulder, faking nonchalance before she answered you with a quiet, "I just wanted to spend more time with my mom. Without her having to worry about working all the time, struggling to pay the bills. I wanted to be able to take care of her and give her a proper home."
Your relationship with your mother has always been kind of controversial. Very antagonistic on occasions, and hearing the things that Alex said about her mom, about the life that she wanted to be able to offer her with the saddest smile you have ever seen twitching on her lips, made your heart clench tightly with a mixed wave of both affection and pain.
Alex has been good on that promise to her younger self, and has taken good care of her mother over the years. But even if that answer satisfied your question you still couldn't help but ask her softly and just a little more tentatively, "Beside this... There is anything else that maybe you would like to be?"
You don't think you'll ever be able to forget what she said next, when she offered probably one of the most painful, honest replies she had ever given to you.
"I wouldn't know how to be anything else." She said quietly looking down at the golden liquid swirling tiredly in the glass in her hand, as if the small vortex formed there held the meaning of life, before she set it untouched on the coffee table, and if you wouldn't have known better, you would have thought that the one that you saw in her eyes was a mix of resignation, dismay and... uncertainty.
Only, this time, your impression wasn't wrong.
You wanted to tell her that she could be anything she wanted to be because, honestly, she really, really could, and not only because you still think of her as absolutely one of the smartest and most confident persons you have ever met.
The words were forming in your head and feeling sincere in your heart too, but before you could let them out, Alex fiddled with her glasses and stood up, mumbling something about having emails to check or something.
Part of you knew that she needed a little space after such conversation. That maybe you shouldn't have started it in the first place. So you just sat there, watching her walk quietly towards the desk where her laptop rested open, wanting to follow her with every fiber of your being, but at the same time feeling stuck in place, held down by the weight of your own doubts, knowing how incompetent you were - and sometimes still are - when it comes to comforting people. Even if it's Alex.
Is one of those things you were still working on at the time.
You had never seen doubt filling Alex's usually confident voice and eyes before. And see your beloved, proud, majestic creature looking so... disorientingly despondent... pained and worried you in a way that no one else, not even today, has the power to make you feel.
You took what at the time seemed to be the wise choice to never bring the subject up again, because pretending that things were good, for how wrong, has always worked for you so far. But that didn't mean you felt anywhere near fine on the inside about that delicate matter.
As you are brought back from those distant memory and into the present, where you and Alex are lying in bed, and where she scrutinizes your expression and sees the plain regret in your eyes about the whole smuggling matter - which, for how contradictory, are also still veiled by a thin veil of excitement - you feel the same weight on your chest that you felt that day when Alex told you about how she started with this job.
But Alex isn't mislead by that tiny spark of thrill in your gaze, and just after a few more moments of intently looking at you, she nods, then swallows. Hard. Before offering you a small sincere smile that you interpret holding a mix of understanding and maybe even... apology.
"Okay." She says in the end, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "Don't worry kid." With that she kisses softly your cheek before taking you in her arms. And at the reassurance and comfort that you find in her embrace, you finally feel fully and truly relieved. Allowing yourself to breathe deeply for the first time as you snuggle further in your lover's warmth.
You have felt the sincerity of her words. Heard the hint of regret in her voice as much as you have seen it flashing in her eyes.
And you believe her.
You really do.
And that's why, when just a couple of months later she asks you out of the blue if you are willing to go in Turkey, the question doesn't even remotely make you think that it could be for something else beside a small vacation-like trip considering how incredibly busy Alex has been lately, and how much you have missed her company during the day.
You are happy, excited at the thought of spending the weekend with you lover somewhere warm and exotic and make up for the past several weeks of... distance.
But that excitement slowly fades and then, at Alex's precisation, it turns into an upsetting realization that hits you with full force right in the stomach.
You can taste the forgotten acid of anger on the back of your throat as it surfaces. You try to remain somehow calm as you remind her of the conversation you had about such thing, but it's of no use when what Alex says next makes you question everything that your life has been in the past few years with her.
You are angry. Angry that Alex is willing and unconcerned by the idea of sending you yet again into another dangerous situation after you have been very clear about never wanting to do that thing ever again.
You are angry because Alex always told you that she loves you and then she doesn't even take in consideration the inevitable "what if this time something goes wrong?" question that should come up.
You are angry that she doesn't even hesitate at the thought of asking you if you want to go to a place where you are pretty sure they will slam you into a jail cell and throw away the key, leaving you there for the rest of your days in case you'd get caught.
She accusses you of not caring if she is struggling with work. She insults you, and in a very low blow she even dares to question your sexuality and the truthfulness of your relationship, which hurts more than you care to show at the moment, because beside the deep, stinging emotional wound you've never, ever before even come near the absurd thought of Alex being the biphobic type.
You honestly aren't even sure if that's even what it truly is considering all that is going on, that maybe she is just as angry with you as you are with her.
A small part of you wants to make her reason, but at this point you are already a scorching ball of anger, which core burns with hurt and boiling doubts.
Everything you have lived in the past few years, every pleasant memory and loving moments you had with Alex gets shattered under the weight of that conclusive "I'm done" that leaves your lips, leaving you with the distorted reflection that appears in all those sharp fragments that is now your past.
You don't insult her as she does, or question her behavior, but limit yourself to point out the obvious, about what this kind of job is doing to her.
She looks at you with that "what did you expect? Traveling around the world with a drug dealer" look that match perfectly her "I thought we were in this together" speech.
That's probably your own fault.
Make her think that you somehow supported her in her business and activities.
You don't offer her an answer because you don't have one, and at the same time you have too many. So you just walk away and start packing your things, trying very very hard to ignore all the confusing, mixed and contradictory thoughts and feelings that are swirling relentlessly inside you.
You are glad that Alex doesn't follow you to keep fighting, or talk to you, or try to convince you into staying. Because if she does, you already know that you would probably end up by giving in.
But as you gather your things in automatic it doesn't take long for you to realize that this situation is either going to last forever or that maybe Alex would get caught because of this job sooner or later, and honestly, you don't know which one would be worse and more destructive for her. For you. And for you as a couple. Or if you would be able to take the decision to stay at her side in any eventuality.
Your relationship with Alex hasn't been so intense and close recently as it used to be. But now this...
You don't think you are actually absorbing the situation yet.
You were willing to give her the space and time to work properly even if it's something that made you feel neglected and lonely, but it has never bothered you so much. You know how to be patient in your impatience. But you can't stand the fact that she was willing to use you like this. Again.
Moving in automatic makes you more efficent. You book your flight, gather your things and prepare your bag. You only freak out when you can't find your passport and are forced to ask for Alex's help.
You know that there is never a better moment reserved for these kind of things, for when you decide to leave the love of your life because things just can't keep going like this, but in the moment you return in the bedroom, looking for your documents, you realize that your final decision about this relationship comes in the worst moment possible for Alex.
The anger that have consumed you for the past hour turns quickly into dibelief at the news about her mother.
You don't have words to offer her except a honestly pained "I'm so sorry" but you do sit at her side and pull her into a hug, stroking her hair and providing a comfort that you are not sure you are even able to convey so sincerely, especially in these circumstances.
She hasn't yet grasped the information, you can tell. You still find it hard to believe it yourself, but still, your decision remains the same much to Alex's hurt and incredulity when at her request you refuse to go back home with her.
The fact that she was the one who actually hid your passport in one last desperate, incredibly childish attempt to keep you there with her, and that she even softly begs you to stay through lost, glistening pale green eyes and with a hitch of sorrow in her broken, raspy voice full of tears, should tell you exactly how much Alex isn't herself right now.
But to you it still doesn't make enough difference.
You both hate yourself and are proud for not faltering in your choice to leave in front of the most distraught, pained, desperate look you have ever seen on Alex's face.
You don't stay, because if you decide to, you know that you'll never leave her.
As you walk away and out into the streets you wonder how things could have turned so bad between you too so fast without a notice.
The weight of the bag that you are dragging at your heels is way too heavy considering all the most important things, the "everything" of years of love and devotion that you are leaving behind you. But you don't dare to turn back, not even to glance over your shoulder.
You just wonder if your relationship with Alex in these conditions was doomed since the beginning.
You wonder if things would have changed if that day when Alex had releaved to you how she got into this business you would have taken her hand in the moment she stood up from the couch and you would have told her that she could be anything she wanted to be and that she wasn't forced to do this. That she was better than this.
You just wonder if things could have been different, simpler. But the answers only come to you as bitter tears that you can no longer hold back, and sobs that you can barely manage to strangle in your sore throat and muffle against your palm as the first true wave of painful reality hits you when you realize that you've just left the woman you love.
And that's what kills you.
The fact that even if you have left her it doesn't mean that you don't love her anymore.
It would have made things so much easier if that was the case. But it would also have made them impossibly unreal.
You still do love her more than anything.
It couldn't be any other way. Even after all that just happened.
You leave Alex in pain and truly alone. In the moment she needs you the most.
You leave the only person you have ever loved with everything that you are and the one who has loved you beyond human capabilities.
And yet, you still leave her.
But the thing that keeps hunting you for a very, very long time, is that Alex does never leave you.
I know... This part it's been a little bit painful for me to write, too. But hey, they are still going to meet in prison :)
