Disclaimer: Stephenie owns it all, I just have fun with it.
A/N: Hey guys, I know there were some concerns over Edward last chapter but I assure you there is a reason. If you're still not satisfied I blame in on my ability too sometimes makes things complicated.
And sorry for making you guys wait. I find I can't write angsty stuff when I'm in good moods so it was hard to sit down and committ and crank it out.
Thanks so much for the patience 3
Chapter 11 - Cold Sweat
BPOV
*
Whiskey was the only thing I could concentrate on. His warm breath muddled my senses inches away from my face. It was starting to make me feel nauseous and the effort of it all made beads of perspiration form on my forehead. The fighting made me unbelievably tired and I could barely struggle against James' hold anymore. I tried screaming but it sounded more like a wailing bird through the thickness of my sobbing.
"Shut up." James said seriously covering my mouth with his hand. They smelt of cigarette smoke and I choked against the urge to vomit.
There was no use screaming anymore. I stopped and he lifted his hand from my mouth and continued on.
My breath came quick and short with the pressure of his weight against me. Luckily for me, James seemed too fascinated with groping to pay attention to a figure crossing into view in the distance. Their stare was fixed in our direction and I prayed silently hoping they would stop this now before it went any further. All the fear running through me with James pressed against me wasn't so profound knowing someone was near.
I did my best, though; pounding my fists against him but James barely flinched. He had me pinned against the wall with his forearm sternly, pressing his knee into my leg for a better advantage. I shut my eyes shoving hard against him until all the weight of him ceased to put any pressure on me.
The weight disappeared.
Immediately I fell to the floor where I stood heaving heavily finally able to catch a deep breath. Around me I could hear the muffled sounds of a confrontation and more footsteps approaching. There was no way to concentrate on what was going on as loud yelling took over the muffled confrontation and sirens blocked out the rest.
Knowing things couldn't get much worse I sat still until a pair of arms wrapped themselves around my shoulders and I felt the warmth of a jacket surround me. I flinched harshly at the contact but Alice's soothing voice calmed me instantly and I snuggled into her small frame and sobbed deeply now crying. Tears made seeing impossible while a second set of arms assisted in pulling me to a standing position. Alice hugged me too her chest smoothing my hair in comforting strokes humming to me that I was alright. I questioned how right she was at the moment but let her voice ease me nonetheless.
No matter how mad, upset or whatever I was at Edward I couldn't resist the urge to search the crowd for him. When I found him amongst the crowd Edward looked straight in my direction, smudges covering his face distorted by the light of the streetlamps. He started walking closer but Emmett and Jasper instinctively put themselves between me and Edward blocking my view of him.
"You'll regret this!." I heard James threaten from somewhere beyond my field of vision.
"Come on son. Don't make this worse for yourself." Another familiar voice spoke back and I suddenly felt the safest since James first approached me.
"Get her home." Charlie ordered conflicted with paternal worry and the duties of being the town's Chief of Police.
Alice and Rosalie, both supporting me at the elbow, led me away from the scene and into Jasper's car. I let the two women support me exhausted from trying to fend off James.
The ride home was a blur.
My thoughts remained on trying to figure out where everything went south, to what provoked James. From what I could muster it had to have been sometime between me storming out of the party and sitting alone on the crate before he found me. It seemed redundant and obvious because of course something had to have happened when I left.
Then I remembered in vivid detail the weight of James on me and all my self restraint went out the window. Cuddled into Alice I began weeping softly against her chest again. I thought about what all this meant for me now and the tears just came. No one made any sounds to comfort me. They knew I needed this.
Jasper pulled into the driveway and I followed Alice out of the car. Emmett came from behind and slid his arm around my back supporting my weight easily and walked me inside. Once in, he brought me to my bedroom with the rest of them in tow. He let me crawl into bed at my own speed before placing a small brotherly kiss on my forehead. I saw the crease in his own forehead and it appeared deeper than the first time I caught a glimpse of his face in the car. He seemed frustrated about something, almost disappointed in himself, probably for not getting there sooner.
With whatever strength I had left I pulled myself up to hug him around his waist and pressed my face into his chest. He didn't return the hug at first, likely startled by movement. Emmett finally tightened his grip on me and I heard the low whisper of "I'm sorry" in my ear. I hugged tighter enjoying the familiar feel of my brother's grip around me. Alice jumped on the bed to join us encompassing us with her arms resting her head on my shoulder.
I started to sob again but I stopped myself quickly. The burden of their bodies against mine awoke the newly inflicted injuries and I groaned a little with the pain. My siblings pulled away rapidly apologizing for causing me more discomfort. I stifled a laugh feeling it irk my ribs.
Jasper stood solo in the doorway and I motioned him to come over.
"I'm glad Edward found you Bella." He said thankful hugging me lightly. Alice cleared her throat at the mention of Edward's name but I paid no attention. I hugged him back thanking him.
"You two should go now; we have to get Bella ready for bed." Rosalie added.
"Goodnight Bella." Jasper said disappearing into the hallway.
"Night Bells." Emmett whispered hopping from my bed following after Jasper. The crease seemed to have softened a bit but I knew it wasn't in Emmett's nature to let serious things go so easily. Not where his family were concerned.
Once the guys were gone, Rosalie and Alice stripped me and got me into my pajamas.
Alice laid a small kiss to my temple lulling me to sleep with motherly gestures. She ran her thumb under my puffy red eyes wiping any excess tears looking woeful. Rosalie made to leave but I grabbed her arm to stop her.
"Thank you Rose." I said sending her a small but grateful smile. She nodded in acknowledgment and left the room. Rose was never one to get overwhelmed by emotions but she cared even still and it was all that mattered.
Before Alice made to leave as well I had to stop her.
"Please don't let Charlie tell my mom. Please." I whispered hoarsely to her. "Not yet, anyways."
"I won't."
The last thing I needed was my mom here hovering over me. I would tell her myself when I was good and ready to tell her how I actually was. There was no need to worry her pretty little head over it just yet. I barely had time to assess myself.
After a few minutes of lying in bed I fell asleep quickly.
I woke up groggy the next morning my eyes slightly less puffy than the night before. My clothes were plastered to my body from the cold sweat of a restless sleep. I hopped in the shower hastily and changed into a different set of pajamas.
When I went down to breakfast my family was somber and quiet. Every word was cautious and second guessed as though they were treading on broken glass around me worried about saying the wrong thing.
My nightmares during the night didn't help the dark spots under my eyes. The others stared at me with deep concern and sympathy. Their worry made me feel guilty so I did my best to show everyone I was fine. But, I had to be careful not to smile too much because they would never buy it. I knew if I were too okay after something like that then there must be something wrong with me.
No one gets almost raped and wakes up smiling about it.
My dad gathered his things about the leave for work so I followed him to the foyer.
"By the way honey, your mom is flying in tonight."
"You told her!?" I gasped knowing the promise I made with Alice.
"I didn't. Alice did." He answered.
I turned to face Alice who stood sneakily in the doorway overseeing the goodbyes. "You promised Alice!"
"There was nothing in there about me calling her." Alice responded to my red faced expression. "She has a right to be here".
"Ugh!" I huffed upset at having to deal with my overprotective mother before I could even process what happened.
"Don't worry sweetie. Everything will be fine." Charlie added doing the last button to his coat.
Charlie hugged me tightly then left for work. The pressure reminded me of the bruises forming underneath the clothing and my face contorted with the pain. But, I made no move to pull away.
He promised we would talk about last night when I was up for it. As a cop you're taught to press for information but as a father Charlie knew he had to take steps towards something like this. If it were up to him he'd skip work and stay home all day making sure I didn't have a nervous breakdown or something. I think my dad knew my mom would do all that for him when she got here.
I loved my dad but I loved him more for not being the hovering type. Although, you might say he lived vicariously through my mother.
It was an order that I stay home from school today and Alice decided to join me. I doubted anyone wanted to leave me alone right now. My sister felt it imperative for me to take some time away before facing the entire school body of Fork's High. She didn't want me in spotlight with the entire student body whispering about the dark turn Edward's party took. Nothing this severe had happened in Forks in ages so I knew I was bound to be the talk of the town for awhile.
I sat on the couch still pajama clad. Alice joined me bringing with her two individual portioned cartons of ice cream. We stayed there for some time just eating our ice cream making small talk. Eventually, Alice got sick of the casualties and got straight to the hard stuff.
"Bells…You know you need to talk about this right? So you don't bottle it all up and repress it then explode with all your emotions in the future." Alice said only somewhat cautious.
One thing about Alice was she always faced things head on, never let them linger. She could be like any other sister and leave me to my own devices, let me deal with this on my own but it wasn't Alice to let that happen. Alice wasn't going to let me be another sexual assault victim; she wanted me to beat this.
And then I thought about it all. I thought about people who have been through something this terrible and I started feeling unbelievably guilty for being the one who got away. I sunk further into the couch slouching.
"I know…" I replied looking into the carton of ice cream. "I just don't know if I'm up for it yet Al."
"How about I talk and you listen for a bit?" she offered hoping to fill in some of the gaps starting from when I left the party. "If I say something that upsets you tell me okay?"
"Okay." I fulfilled.
But something had been bothering me about last night and I needed to ask before she started. "Before you begin Al, who called Dad? When I saw him last night he wasn't in uniform."
"Apparently someone tipped him off about underage drinking and considering his daughter was at the party Charlie rushed right over. Whoever it was though called him at home because he was off duty." Alice answered.
Someone called Charlie personally?
Her answered stunned me for a minute but when Alice started talking again I put the curiosity to rest to listen.
"But we'll figure that out later. For now let's talk about what happened after you left the party. Remember if I say something that bothers you just say it." She said now with caution.
I shook my head for her to continue.
"When you stormed off Edward and James got into a bit of a physical altercation." Alice began to tell me. "Well more like he knocked James out then went frantically looking for you."
I kept my stare focused on the ice cream listening.
"He looked everywhere. No one knew where you ran off too." Alice continued, "It didn't help that Emmett got in Edward's face about why you left. He looked like a tomato ready to explode with how irate he was."
The image of Emmett as an exploding tomato made me smile despite myself.
"When Edward said he couldn't find you Emmett stopped being angry for a second and we all went out looking for you." Alice said her voice turning into a soft whisper as she herself remembered what the night had been for her as well.
"We all got so worried because we couldn't find you. That's when Edward split and disappeared until we did find you." She went on explaining, "You were sitting on the ground while Edward subdued James long enough for the cops to show up. His face is pretty busted up because of it".
I wasn't sure if this was her way of making me feel better or if Alice was giving me reasons to forgive Edward.
"He tried to talk to you last night but the guys kept his distance from you." She told me.
"I remember that." I said still staring into the ice cream but not eating it anymore.
"So it was Edward who pulled him off of me?" I needed to know.
"Yeah. I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't found you Bella. I don't know what I'd do… He saved your life." Alice said with tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
"I'm okay Alice. See?" I said pointing to my arms and legs, "Still alive and kicking." I went on not trying to be funny on purpose.
She pinched my arm and giggled at me when I squirmed.
"I know." Alice said and I squeezed her arm with affection.
This was where I knew the conversation needed to end.
"Thanks for wanting to talk Al, but I'm kind of talked out for now when it comes to this topic. Can we just try and be normal for awhile? I think it's what I need." I explained.
"Do you want to talk about Edward?" She asked leaning up on the couch.
"No." I countered. "Not yet anyways."
"When you do, I'm here okay?" She offered with a sympathetic grin.
"Thanks." I said honestly.
For now I just needed to not think about last night and focus on something else. I needed to forget the trauma and have some time to realize what life was like before all of this. It was hard. The only person I wanted right now to make it all feel normal again was Edward. Whatever I felt against him boiled up in me again and I fought against the nauseous feeling rising in my stomach.
I excused myself from the living room citing a need for a nap. Once in the sanctuary of my room, I turned on the stereo** and plopped myself onto the edge of my bed.
What hurt the most was the overwhelming feeling of inferiority. To know now I knew so little about him seemed like a betrayal and knowing I could never compare made it even worse. It was starting to feel like I was in love with half of a person. What did I really know about Edward?
I'd only ever known the clumsy Edward who was made of electricity which I felt every time he touched me. The Edward who opened doors for me and won me over with just one look into his eyes. The Edward who made me feel like I belonged. Now I just felt more of an outsider than ever.
There was no changing the fact I was virgin and he was not. I accepted that when I found out about Tanya. It was that the person he was back then was the exact type of guy I avoided with every cell of my being. In my heart I know I could never have loved the person he was then but at the same time I'd never known that side of him. Could Edward be enough of an exception? How did I know he wasn't just looking for sex from me and that would be it?
As ridiculous as the thought seemed in the moment I couldn't ignore the possibilities. Everything James said to Edward stuck with me. He did know Edward longer so how could I argue?
I couldn't deny how I felt for Edward despite it all. Parts of me wanted him here so badly but it wouldn't be a good idea. We would have to talk eventually to settle things I just didn't know when I would be up for it.
I decided to use a familiar method for decision making and walked over to my desk, picked up a notepad and pen and resumed my sitting.
Pros and Cons.
Cons
-he lied
-has only slept with women who might as well be models
-knew the type of person J was when he got to Forks
-slept with his best friend's girl (during a party no less + with witnesses)
-
Pros
-he saved me
I love him.
I tossed the notepad behind me on the bed. This whole thing was frustrating and I started to think the nap was a good idea. After turning up the music *** and making sure my playlist was set, I curled up over the blankets and closed my eyes.
The playlist was the same for moments like these. A little Cat Power, and Carla Bruni **** always helped me sleep when things got difficult.
I let the music soothe me to sleep.
The streetlights were flickering this time. That was odd. And a hand was covering my mouth causing my voice to come out in mumbled murmur. Then the flickering lights disappeared and only a dark figure came into view. It was like I could smell the whiskey and cigarettes all over again.
I was back behind the ballet studio struggling against a nondescript figment of my imagination although I knew without a doubt that it was meant to be James. The sobbing came quicker this time but it all melted together; the struggling, the crying, the fighting. It was all restricted by the normal limitations of dreams; the inability to speak, the feeling that you're fighting so hard but you're really not moving much, and how you can't really make out any details. This only comforted me a little knowing it was just a dream but I tried hard to wake up anyways.
Finally the dream broke and I stared up at the ceiling in a cold sweat. I wiped my forehead and checked the clock at my bedside.
Only twenty minutes, what the heck? It felt like I had been asleep so much longer.
Music still played on in the background. I took the stereo remote and put the songs on shuffle. The slow songs were becoming too much of a downer so I flipped through the first few songs for something either completely irrelevant or loud and mind numbing. Eventually something came up and I turned the volume up higher. *****
My full length mirror rested near the radio and I caught a glimpse of myself in it. The neckline of my pajama's displayed a dark patch across my collarbone. I froze in front of it assessing the discolouration of the bruises settling under the skin. Alice probably wouldn't walk in any time soon so I pulled my shirt up over my head to get a full view of it all. My eyes contorted in surprise and disgust.
All across my collarbone were dark bluish spots where James' had held me with his forearm. The image of him forcing me to the wall made me cringe. It was in my genetics to bruise easily.
I stepped out of my pajama bottoms next to examine my entire body. A spot on my leg where James used his knee for leverage had a small dark spot from the impact.
The damage was minor compared to the possible outcome had no one stopped it. The bruises would fade eventually and so would the memory. It only needed time.
I got dressed and walked back into the living room where Alice still sat mindlessly watching bad daytime television. We stayed like that until Emmett came in from school. He joined us on the couch and I saw the second glance at the visible parts of the bruise. I reached for a pillow self-conscious and hugged it to my chest to hide it.
It was nice to sit around with my siblings. Things like this seemed so long ago before we all coupled off and found less time for just the three of us. There wasn't much talking but we laughed together at the little things on the TV and Emmett cracked a few jokes to lighten the atmosphere.
In the middle of it, a knock came from the door. Immediately I went for it thinking it had to be my mother but was staggered to see the familiar topaz eyes I longed to see again.
Before I could say anything Emmett raced in and stepped in front of me. Obviously he didn't want Edward near me right now. I wanted to just push Em out of the way but it would be no use. I wouldn't be able to move a rock.
"Can I speak to Bella for a minute?" Edward asked looking up at Emmett's muscular frame towering over him.
"Like fuck you can't" Emmett returned the question.
"Emmett please, I can speak for myself" I said from behind my brother.
"You're not going anywhere near Cullen Bella." He said without waiver.
"Don't forget, he did save me." I replied comforted by the thought but still too upset to let it overshadow his wrong doings.
I moved closer to the doorway finally able to see Edward's face.
Dark spots clouded his eye and cheekbones. Dry blood was caked to the corner of his lip. I wanted to run out the door and caress each bruise with my fingertips and pretend like none of it happened but I stood stock still my hands clenched to my sides to restrain myself.
"Save you or not, you're not going anywhere near him." Emmett spoke through gritted teeth. He looked ready to pounce.
Edward had been my life since he walked into it and now that certain circumstances had ripped us apart I felt unbelievably torn myself. I was getting the feeling that to my family Edward was as much hero as he was villain and I was unmistakably the damsel in distress.
"Let her talk to him Em." Alice insisted from behind all of us.
"Stay out of it Alice." He said determined to get Edward to go away.
"I just want to talk." Edward begged.
"That's too bad then huh?" Emmett scowled moving to close the door.
I didn't have the strength to move my brother but I did have speed. I snuck between Edward and the door, not really thinking, before Emmett could shut it properly.
"Let me talk to him Em. I'll be right here outside this door. You and Alice can stay in the foyer." I offered. "Just let me talk to him."
Reluctance filled Emmett's eyes but after I gave him a look of confidence he hesitantly let go of the door.
"I'm staying put right here." He said firmly.
"Thank-you." I replied and closed the door behind me.
EPOV
"Bella…" I trailed off unable to remember half of the things I had rehearsed.
"Save it Edward." She said and I looked at her taken aback. "I'm not sure what you can say to make this okay."
"All I want is to be completely honest with you Bella." I replied standing straighter. "I know it doesn't seem like I have been lately but there is an explanation for it all."
"You lied Edward. Where was Victoria when you so badly wanted to be honest with me before? Remember? When you decided to be honest about Tanya, where was all of this?" Bella answered remarkably calm for someone did wrong by someone close to her.
"I can explain that if you'll let me please." I told her sincerely hoping my eyes still held their same power.
All I needed was for her to listen. To give me one chance.
She didn't answer right away but nodded, turning her head away, longing to be out from my sight. The door behind her must have looked like a refuge and she wasn't hiding its pull. This gesture made my heart clench with heartbreak to have her look at me as some sort of monster.
"Go on." She finally said crossing her arms defensively in front of her looking to the ground.
"What James said about Victoria wasn't true…" I started to explain. "At least not in the way he said it."
"And in what way is it true or not true?" Bella all but spat at the thought.
I took an inhale of breath before speaking.
"This is going to sound weird and you probably won't believe it but its true okay?" I said and waited for a glimpse of an open mind before revealing the truth.
"The night of the Halloween party people had heard us. But we weren't having sex. It sounded like it but that's what Victoria made it seem like we were doing. She was pissed at James and I was annoyed at him so I didn't protest. People had seen us go into the bathroom together so Victoria planned on rumors reaching James to make him jealous and hurt after he had fooled around with some girl. I got stuck as a puppet in their sick twisted games and there's no taking it back. After it happened James never mentioned or confronted us about what happened so we figured he never knew. We decided it would be best to forget about it. And I did." I finished saying and begun to feel ashamed of the things I had done.
"So you didn't have sex?" Bella asked with a faint spark of hope beneath her disbelieving expression after hearing the real story.
"No." I said simply.
"Then what did James mean when he said 'no more stray...' well... you know." She questioned.
In the past I spent a lot of time hiding who I was. If anyone made me feel like myself, like a real person, it was Bella. And as stupid as I acted by not being more honest with her, she definitely did deserve the truth even if it changed her perception of me.
"James had this twisted way of thinking.'If I get pussy, you're getting pussy'." I said and saw her cringe at my choice of words. "Thing was he'd get drunk, we'd meet some girls, then he'd get too drunk to actually notice what happened after. James just assumed I was sleeping with all of them."
"And you never denied it?" Bella guessed correctly.
"I'm not proud of it but no, I didn't deny it. By that time I was too far gone with them I barely recognized who I was anymore. The person I pretended to be for them was better than who I was. Trust me I wasn't exactly the best received in Chicago; pale, well educated and very much the 'suffer in silence' type. Anything I could do to shed that image I did and courting James and Victoria, at the time, was my ticket to the in crowd. I let him think I was just as much a manslut as he. Truth be told, once James walked off with his girl for the night I was busy telling mine I wasn't interested. Come morning he wouldn't be able to remember enough about the night to prove me wrong."
Bella looked disconcerted at what I was telling her. She had only ever known Forks Edward, this was a completely different shade of him.
"Why though? Why lie? Why build a friendship on a pile of assumptions and half-truths?" She wondered hoping to understand.
"James and I always had a complicated relationship. Chicago isn't Forks, there's so small town camaraderie there like there is here. You take what you can get and I drew the short straw with James." I replied. "It is part of the reason I believe my Dad took the job here in Forks; to get me away from that crowd."
"So what you're telling me is; in order to be a part of the 'cool' crowd you let James think you weren't a virgin but a man slut and 'pretended' to sleep with your best friend's girlfriend to get back at him in some small way while remaining uninterested in either the countless number of girls or Victoria?" Bella summed up nicely much to my dismay.
"Pretty much." Was all I could say.
"So let me ask you this….what about Tanya? If you weren't interested in sleeping around why was Tanya an exception? What makes her different?" She scorned
"Eventually I got tired of boasting about my non-virginity. There's only so much you can talk about when you have no experience in the subject matter. When I met Tanya I was drunk, she was drunk, she was leaving Chicago soon and I would never see her again. At least that's what I thought. Things just happened."
Bella didn't say anything.
"I didn't tell you because admitting to boasting about having sex you never had is embarrassing. So is everything to do with Chicago. I was honest about Tanya because you had a right to the truth from me before learning it from someone else. Bella I've never lied to you about anything, not about how I feel about you, not about Tanya, none of it. I only ever omitted the fake manwhore part of me because I wanted you to know the real me, not something I pretended to be. We all have demons in our closet we hide from the world and those were it."
There was an awkward silence now replacing the usually comforting silence which fell between us.
"Bella... I'm not proud of what I've done, or of who I was. One thing for sure is I'm not that person, I was never that person." I spoke breaking the silence. "I've made mistakes and I can't change them. I should have sent James and Victoria packing when they got here. That much I should have done and instead I thought I could get through a few days with no incident and finally be done with them. If I had he wouldn't... he wouldn't have..." I trailed off too upset to continue.
"That wasn't your fault Edward."
"No but I could have prevented it."
"You stopped it."
"That's not enough. The last thing I ever wanted was to make you unsafe. I put you in the crossfire and it wasn't fair."
"Life isn't fair. Love isn't fair. Nothing is fair Edward."
I crossed the space between us in a few steps and cupped her face with my hands. Bella flinched at the contact but didn't move. There were light bruises forming across her collarbone visible through the plunge of her shirt's neckline. She covered them up with her palm self consciously but I lifted her hand away tracing the visible bruises with my thumb.
Her body tensed under my caress and I stopped tracing the bruises.
"I think you should go." she said barely audible over the beating of my heart.
"Bella please." I pleaded.
"I can't do this right now." Bella spoke conflicted.
I raised my hands to hold her face once more and looked longingly into her eyes. Nothing held me back as I pressed my lips against hers gently but desperately with every ounce of love I had for her hopeful she would feel it.
Bella's hands were cold over mine and her lips returned the kiss but ended prematurely. She peeled my hands away from her placing them at my sides.
"I really think you should go." She said with the same conflict clouding her voice.
"Please." I pleaded again.
"Edward, I need time. I need to figure out what all of this means. Please. Just go." Bella pleaded with me this time pressing her palm into my chest for me to go.
If I ever wanted her back I should give her space. Everything in me wanted to stay put until she figured it out, to stay right here and apologize a million times for everything. Instead, I held the hand she laid on my chest and kissed her knuckles still longing for more. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before turning and leaving using all leftover strength not to look back.
"Edward." I heard her call my name and swiveled to see her still standing at the doorway. I walked back over to her and waited for her to speak again.
"I'm sorry." Bella said.
BPOV
"For what?" he asked.
I traced the dark outline of the bruise covering his right eye with my thumb as he had done to mine. Seeing the damage done for saving me formed a huge lump in the throat with the emotion but I fought it back.
"I'm sorry." I whispered shutting my eyes and opening the door to escape inside.
Nothing in me had the will to move. I could still feel the electricity the kiss sent through my knuckles to the rest of my body. I made no move to leave the foyer and stood staring at the closed door listening to Edward pull out of the driveway.
Emmett and Alice slid away without a sound before I turned to see the foyer empty.
Having Edward here in front of me made me want him to stay, wanted him to make things right again. With all Edward had just told me I felt even more lost with all the emotions swimming in my head. I couldn't question whether he was lying or not because his eyes always told me every truth.
The silence of the entryway was deafening and I slipped off back into the reverie of my bedroom.
Once in my room again I felt my head spinning. All of my conflicting emotions swelled up all at one time following Edward's visit.
Questions, answers, more questions, and even more I didn't know.
There had never been a time before in which I questioned Edward's intentions. Seeing him look me over allowed me to see a better perspective to his side in all of this. The look of genuine concern in his eyes, the disgust that followed when he saw the bruises and the desperation in his lips for my forgiveness; all of it just complicated things tenfold.
He was truly sorry, truly and deeply sorry. That much I could tell.
But where did it leave me?
I couldn't figure this out on my own.
"Alice!" I called out loudly summoning her to my bedroom.
She appeared in my doorsteps seconds later. "Yeah" she wondered.
"I need to talk." I told her and she recognized the subject matter immediately.
We talked for sometime about how responsible Edward was in all of it. The conversation went in circles for awhile debating every side of the argument.
I told Alice what Edward told me during our conversation on the porch. She gasped and sighed as I told her. After I ended she pursed her lips to one side, the way she always did when she was thinking, and tapped her hands against thighs.
Alice believed it was wrong of Edward to omit what he did, that as embarrassing as it was he could have told me. Then again, Alice believed it might have come out with time. We had only been dating barely a few months by this point and I'd known him only a shorter time beforehand. That kind of stuff usually isn't the best topic of conversation for a new couple.
Besides, Alice felt Edward was a genuine person. There could have been plenty of times he could have messed up and proved to be the wrong guy but he hadn't.
Her defense of Edward started to make me angry and I couldn't place why I felt that way.
I thanked Alice for talking about things with me but had to end our conversation right there. She agreed apologetically noting the distressed quiver my lips get when I'm super upset at something.
She closed the door behind her and I ran my fingers through my hair frustrated and exhausted.
Forgiving Edward wasn't going to erase what James did. It wasn't going to make the bruises fade faster or take away the nightmares. I would still be reminded of what happened even if Edward wasn't in the picture.
I fell back on the bed staring up at the ceiling mulling it over again.
And then it hit me.
If I forgave Edward I would have no one to blame.
All the blame that should be put toward James I put toward Edward. He was a scapegoat for James so I wouldn't have to face my attacker.
If there was no reason to be mad at Edward how could I be mad at what happened?
Whatever Edward did in the past I could get over with some time. Edward's honesty earlier proved that. He had been the same person all along but I couldn't see it because that side of him I loathed had done this too me only it was James not Edward.
The attack and Edward were two separate things.
What happened took a bigger toll on me than originally estimated. This whole time I thought my biggest problem was Edward and all the wrongs he did me when really it was being shoved up against an alley wall and not being able to get away on my own.
In order to move on I had to be able to forgive James. To be okay again I had to be able to forgive my attacker to be at peace whether James deserved it or not. It was the only way.
So where did that leave Edward? Why should I forgive and forget and get back to the way we were?
I shifted in my spot and felt something jab into my butt. I pulled the notepad from under me glancing at it quickly.
The words appeared to jump right off the page and I took a second look. The rest of the list proved false except for two lines.
He did save me.
And,
I loved him, with everything in me.
I loved him.
I had to love him.
Everything in me was willing at this very moment to put aside everything and forgive him, let him help me heal.
But then I realized looking into those eyes again would only conjure the dark brown of James' glaring into mine exerting control.
It would take time.
I lay back down on my bed and closed my eyes to think.
I didn't notice I'd fallen asleep until someone calling my name made my eyes open. This voice was urgent and, after paying attention, I listened to it call out for me.
"Bella honey! Where are you?" I heard my mom belt from the front of the house.
Hear we go.
..........................................
A/N:
Here are a few songs I imagined for the chapter.
* Don't Take Your Love Away - Vast.
** Coal to Diamonds - The Gossip
*** Fool - Cat Power
**** Le Ciel Dans Une Chambre - Carla Bruni
***** Crazy World - Wickaman
