Dangerous Desires

(Chapter Eleven: Where Do Broken Hearts Go?)

Olivia closed her eyes tight, trying hard to make it all go away. The pain of losing her mother, the anxiety of her secret love affair with Elliot, the stress of everything going on at work, she just needed a moment….one second to just disappear or she felt as if she would snap and go completely insane.

"Mrs. Jamissen?" a voice boomed as someone began to tap on the bathroom door. "Are you alright, ma'am?"

"I'll be fine," she replied drawing another deep breath before opening her eyes to stare at her own reflection in the mirror. "I'll….I'll be there in just a moment."

She splashed her face with water in an attempt to hide the redness around her eyes where she had been crying. Fixing her hair, she exhaled once more. "Feeling bad is never a reason not to look good," she whispered to her reflection. That lesson, her mother taught her when she was just a little girl. "Smile, Olivia. Frowning causes premature wrinkles and no one likes a pouty face. Stand up straight, hold your head up, walk tall and smile pretty. Mind your manners, watch your weight and always remember to act like a lady. Nothing is handed to you in life, you have to fight for what you want. You can't be afraid to just reach out and take it. And the only person you can depend on is yourself. Putting your trust in anyone else will only let you down."

She cleared her throat and wiped her cheek dry with her hand once more.

"Well, you certainly taught me that one. Didn't you, mother?"

Olivia crumbled a paper towel and tossed into the trash can as she pulled her purse strap over her shoulder and headed out the door. Down the hall the funeral director waited for her in their main display room.

"I didn't mean to bother you, ma'am. I know how emotional times like this can be. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine, thank you. I appreciate you seeing me this early. I just wanted to get this taken care of as soon as possible."

"Times like these are so hard on the family. I am happy to handle the details whenever it is most convenient for you. Would you like some water? A cup of tea or coffee, perhaps?"

"No, thank you. Let's just get this over with," she said softly.

"Alright. This is one of our best sellers," he said smoothing his hands over the smooth glossy surface of a casket. "A rich oak finish, white satin lining, just beautiful."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"It's nice, I'll take that one."

"You don't want to look around a bit?"

"Not particularly, no."

Olivia paused a moment realizing she had practically snapped at the man.

"I'm sorry. It's just been a long day and I…" she exhaled trying hard not to cry in front of this man.

"I understand," he assured her. "There are just a few more details to go over."

"She liked pink. Pink and purple. Light colors, like lavender. I'd like to do the flowers in those colors."

"That won't be a problem. We have a great company that we work with if you'd like to look through a catalogue?"

"I trust you. I am sure whatever you choose will be lovely."

"We can have her prepped and ready for a visitation the day after tomorrow. I have a general announcement that we can release to the papers for the obituary….you have provided her personal information for us. I will just need a photograph, if you would like one included…."

Olivia opened her wallet and pulled out a picture of Serena from her wedding.

"That will do nicely," the man said taking it from her. "You will need to bring an outfit for her burial. We'll have to have it by tomorrow evening. We will provide a guest book and refreshments will be served after the service. That is all included. Some people like to put together memory boards or bring additional photographs, you are more than welcome. We will just need those things tomorrow evening as well."

"I don't really have anything like that."

"We can schedule a special private viewing for the family an hour before opening the doors to the public. If you need more time, that can be arranged."

"That won't be necessary, thank you. I am her only family."

Back at home, Olivia tossed her keys on the table by the door.

"Mommy!" Zoey squealed practically leaping into her arms before the door had even closed behind her.

"Hi baby," Olivia said hugging her little girl tight.

"I missed you when you were gone."

"I missed you too, sweetheart."

"I tried to stay awake to see you. But I got sleepy."

"Baby, mommy got home very, very late last night. It was actually very early this morning. The sun wasn't even up yet."

"Daddy said your mommy went to Heaven."

"Zoey," Keith scolded as he entered the room.

"It's alright," Olivia said softly tucking a blonde lock behind the girl's ear. "Yes. My mom, your grandma Benson, passed away."

Zoey looked confused for a moment.

"It means she died, stupid," Royce said taking a bite out of an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.

"Hey," Olivia said flashing him a dirty look.

"I'm not stupid!" Zoey replied.

"No, you're not," Olivia agreed scooping the little girl up in her arms and sitting her on the counter to tie her shoe. "But, yes. It means that grandma died. She's not here with us anymore. And we won't be able to see her to talk to her anymore," Olivia whispered, her voice cracking and tears threatening to fall once more.

"And you are sad?" Zoey asked softly trying hard to understand the situation.

"Mommy is sad," Olivia agreed with a soft nod.

"Don't cry mommy," Zoey whispered placing a little hand on each side of Olivia's face and pressing her forehead to her mother's. "Grandma is in Heaven with Jesus and the angels. You don't have to be sad."

Olivia laughed just a little as she hugged her baby girl tight. It broke her heart that Zoey was too young to really understand what was going on around her. The child had barely ever been around Serena and probably wouldn't have any memories of her grandmother to hold onto. But the sweet innocence behind her big blue eyes was exactly what was needed to make Olivia feel better.

"Mommy will probably be sad for a little while. But I'll be okay," she assured the child with a tender kiss. "You'd better hurry or you'll be late for school."

"I don't want to go to school today."

"Honey, you love school," Olivia said twisting a blonde ponytail between her fingers.

"But I just wanna stay home with you."

Olivia smiled.

"Mommy is very tired from her trip. I am going to sleep for a while and when I get up it will almost be time for you to get home from school. Maybe we could do something special tonight, huh? All of us."

"Like what?" Taylor asked looking up from her cereal bowl.

"I don't know. Maybe we can all make dinner together. Whatever you guys want. And I am pretty sure that I have the stuff to make some homemade chocolate chip cookies. That might be fun."

"Yea," Taylor said with a smile.

"Look guys, I know that I have been gone a lot lately and I haven't spent much time with you. But I am here now. And I love you more than anything in the world."

"Will dad be here?" Royce asked.

"No. I'm sorry champ, but I just can't. I've got back to back surgeries and I won't be home until really late."

"You guys work too much," Royce complained.

"We do work a lot. But we have to. That's how we pay for things like our house and our cars, Zoey's ballet classes, Taylor's soccer and your field hockey. And you have practice tonight," Keith reminded his son. "Why don't you run grab you gear? Girls get your stuff together, we are leaving in five minutes."

Olivia watched as Keith lowered Zoey to the floor and she ran upstairs to get her back pack.

"I don't like her upsetting you like that," he said looking Olivia over as he took a sip of coffee from his mug.

"She's not even four yet, Keith. She's so little. You know? This is all confusing for her. She hasn't even seen my mother since she was a baby. And she has never really experienced death before."

"Her hamster died last summer."

"You told her it ran away."

"It tried to run away. That ugly damn cat of hers caught it."

"Still, I want her to know that it is okay to ask us questions. She has to learn it somewhere, Keith. It might as well be from us."

"You are just going through a lot. And the last thing you need is a thousand and five annoying questions from a four year old about your mother's death. She can ask me. That is why I explained things to her this morning before they saw you. I was hoping to avoid situations like this one."

"Well, I appreciate you trying to protect me. But I didn't mind."

"Did you get things taken care of in LA? You got in so late we didn't really have much of a chance to talk."

"Yea. I got my interviews finished. I'll go back to court in a few days so we can sort the rest of the details out. But the judge gave me four days off to take care of things here."

"I'm sorry I didn't go with you this morning to handle the funeral arrangements. I couldn't get Anna to come in that early."

"It's okay. We got everything taken care of."

"Okay, well you have a good day," he said leaning forward to kiss her tenderly. "Get some sleep. I know things have been insane for you lately and you probably haven't gotten much sleep."

"No, I guess not."

Keith hugged her tight and Olivia caught herself closing her eyes and pretending he was a certain blue eyed someone else.

"Time to go!" he called as the kids piled into the room to hug and kiss their mother goodbye.

"Hey," Keith said stopping for a moment as he headed out the door to start his day.

Olivia dropped her coffee cup in the sink and raised her head to look at him.

"I love you."

She smiled with tears in her eyes.

"I love you, too."

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will," she agreed with a nod.

She waved out the kitchen window to the kids in the car as they pulled out of the driveway. Exhaling heavily, she climbed the stairs and headed down the hall to her bedroom.

Closing her eyes, she tried to remember back to a happy time with her mother. Suddenly, she could almost hear Serena's laugh. Olivia smiled. Thinking back to a time when she was only about nine or ten years old. Snow was falling heavily around them as she stood in Central Park. It was night time, near Christmas and golden lights cast a soft glow on everything around her.

"Like this," Serena said as she laughed once more. "You have to spread your arms and legs way out," she said.

Olivia could feel the icy wind and feel the sting of tiny little snowflakes landing on her face as she stared up at the night sky.

"Let's see," Serena said, pulling the girl to her feet. "Beautiful. And that, is how you make a snow angel."

Olivia smiled.

"It looks like they're holding hands. The big one and the little one," the girl noted.

"Mother and daughter," Serena corrected her. "You cold?"

"Freezing," Olivia replied.

"What do you say we get some hot cocoa for the walk home?"

"With the little marshmallows?"

"Of course," Serena laughed.

Olivia opened her eyes and stared at the wall. She didn't have a whole lot of happy memories with her mother. But the ones she did have were very dear to her. She yawned and rubbed her tired eyes.

"I'll miss you, mama," she whispered softly as her heavy eyes fell shut.

The evening of the visitation was harder than Olivia ever could have imagined. Keith sat with the kids in the back of the room. After talking things over, they had decided that though their children should attend the funeral, they weren't quite old enough to walk up and see their grandmother laid out in a casket. Taylor sat misty eyed, looking through the program that had been printed up. Royce seemed antsy in his seat and wouldn't sit still and Zoey had settled comfortably into her father's lap and managed to fall asleep within the first fifteen minutes.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom or something?" Keith asked his son.

"No."

"Are your shoes too tight?"

"My shoes are fine."

"Then what's the problem? Sit still."

Royce shifted his dark eyes in his father's direction and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"I can't see," he said.

"That was the point in us sitting in the back, son."

"But everyone else is walking up there to look."

"Your mother and I would prefer you guys stay back here. You're not missing anything."

"I've never seen anyone dead before," he whispered raising up in his seat once more and straining for a glance.

"It's your grandma Benson. And she is just laying there with flowers around her. That's all."

"Is she gross?"

Keith furrowed his brow, getting quite annoyed at the seven year old.

"No, she isn't gross. She just looks like she is sleeping. Peaceful."

"That's not scary."

"I don't guess so, no."

"Then why can't we see?"

Keith exhaled and rolled his head around to look at Taylor.

"What about you, Tay? Would you like to go up and say your goodbyes to grandma?"

"We can take her the flowers we picked out for her, instead of having mom do it."

"Okay," Keith replied. "But stay with me. Keep quiet and mind your manners."

He stood and hoisted Zoey higher on his shoulder. She stirred for a moment, then settled with her little arms around his neck. Half way up the aisle, Keith felt Taylor's hand slip into his. He stopped walking for a moment to look down at her.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to. You can sit in the back and wait for us."

He watched as she pressed her lips together and wiped away a tear with her hand.

"No. I want to go up there," she said softly.

When they reached the front of the room, Taylor stood on her tip toes to lay a bouquet of pink roses in the casket beside her grandmother.

"We love you grandma," she said softly, then turned to go stand by her mother.

Royce stood silently in awe just staring.

"Royce," Keith said nudging him to move along.

"I want to put something in too," he said looking up at his dad.

Keith watched as his seven and a half year old son pulled his favorite baseball card from his pocket and stared at it.

"There's no getting that back, you know?" Keith warned.

"I know. But grandma bought me that card for my fifth birthday. That's what got me started collecting."

Keith watched as he tucked the card into Serena's hand. He managed to usher the kids into the next room where refreshments were being served. They smiled politely and greeted nearly a hundred strangers who bragged about how long they'd known their grandma or how big they had gotten since the last time people had seen them.

Olivia had had just about all she could take and slipped around the back of the building for a breath of fresh air. Elliot must have been the only who had paid enough attention to see where she had gone or even noticed her missing, because moments later he was standing beside her.

They leaned against the brick building in silence for several minutes. Olivia stared blankly ahead with tears streaming down both sides of her face, but they said nothing. Suddenly she felt a gently squeeze of her hand and looked down to see his fingers closed around hers.

"I'm such a mess," she said softly.

"That's understandable."

"You know, in all of the years I spent hating her….I really loved her, too."

"I know that. She knew that."

"I so long I was afraid I would turn out like her."

She rolled her dark eyes up to meet his and stared into him for a moment.

"I am just like her. And I hate it."

"You are nothing like her."

"You're right. At least she was honest about who she was. She didn't try to hide or deny it."

"Liv…" he began as he shook his head.

"She was a terrible mother. But at least she didn't sneak around behind my back and lie to me, like I am doing with my kids."

"Okay, wait a minute. You are an excellent mother. Those kids love you more than anything and they know how much you love them. They always have, because you tell them all the time. That woman hardly ever had a kind or loving word to say to you."

"She was messed up, Elliot. But I am too. I am so screwed up I….I don't even know…." She shook her head and choked back tears. "I have made such a mess of my life. I wanted so badly to be a better person than she was….but I am exactly like her."

"You're wrong."

Olivia laughed.

"She drank and I sleep around. Other than that, I don't see much of a difference."

"You don't sleep around."

"For months I have been having sex with a man who is not my husband."

"But that just makes it sound like you're sleeping with a lot of people."

"What's the difference? Cheating is cheating. Whether it's one man or a dozen, love or just a fling….bottom line, I am married to another man."

"You are not a bad person. Your mother had problems. None of those were your fault, though you were the one who was often punished for them."

"God," she said drawing a staggered breath. "I think I am having a panic attack."

"Close your eyes," Elliot said standing in front of her and placing one hand one each side of her face. "Listen to the birds."

"It's night time, Elliot. There aren't any birds."

"They're there. You gotta listen real close. Hear them settling in the trees."

"I hear them."

"Take a deep breath and hold it. Now release. One more….and release."

Olivia felt his palm gently wipe the tears from her cheek and she opened her eyes to look into his.

"You save me," she whispered. "I don't know what I would ever do without you."

"And you'll never have to find out," he replied kissing her tenderly.

"There you are," Keith said rounding the corner just as their lips had parted. "Everything alright out here?"

"Yea," Olivia said looking at him and forcing a smile. "I just needed some air. I got pretty worked up and Elliot was talking me through some breathing exercises to help me calm down."

"Did it work?"

"It did," she replied smiling back at Elliot.

"Listen, just about everyone has left. The kids are tired, I was thinking maybe it was time to go ahead and head home. The kids are in the car and the funeral director assured me he could wrap things up inside. It's been a long day and we're looking at another long one tomorrow. You should get some rest."

"You're right," she replied with a smile.

"Thank you, Elliot. For looking out for her."

"Always," he said with a small smile.

"Will we see you tomorrow?" Olivia asked.

"I'll be there."

"Good night, El."

"Night," he replied waving as Keith whisked her off and put her into the car.

It poured rain all the next day. The graveside part of the service was held under a large tent and seemed to go on for hours. Olivia was trying hard not break down in front of her children. After the funeral, Keith agreed to take the children home for the night and Olivia was going to stay at the apartment to allow for a little time to herself.

Olivia paid the driver to just drive around for a while. This seemed to be a good way to clear her head. The rain hadn't let up when the limo pulled up in front of her building hours later and night was beginning to fall over the city. The driver didn't have an umbrella, so he took off his jacket and held it up over her head in an attempt to provide a little shelter from the rain as she ran up the front steps and into the building.

Drenched from the storm, Olivia stumbled into the elevator and pressed the button for her floor. Upstairs, she got inside and opened the liquor cabinet. Tonight called for something strong.

"Scotch," she said out loud picking up the bottle and a rock glass.

She dropped in two ice cubes, then poured just enough liquid to cover them. The first drink went down so fast she barely tasted it, but the second came with complications. Olivia filled the glass, but as she took her first sip every emotion she had done so well at hiding for the last few days came over her at once. She leaned against the wall and broke into tears. At some points crying so hard she could barely breathe. She sat the glass on the counter and smeared her hands over her face, but she wasn't finished yet. The tears just would not stop coming.

Suddenly, she heard a knock at the door.

"What the…?" she said wiping her face as she opened the door. "El?"

"Hey."

"I'm not really in the mood for sex tonight," she sobbed so heavily her words were barely audible.

"I didn't come here for sex," he said stepping inside and closing the door behind them. "I came to check on my baby," he said softly as he brushed some tears from her cheek. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm not okay," she sobbed.

"Okay," he said with a nod. "Let me take care of you," he said hugging her tight in his arms as she broke down once more.

Elliot locked the apartment door, then picked her up and carried her down the hallway to the bedroom.

"First things first, let's get you out of these wet clothes before you get pneumonia."

He sat her on the edge of the bed and pulled off her high heels setting them aside. Olivia sat speechless and cried as he rolled off her thigh high stockings. Elliot helped her out of the wet dress and handed her a towel to dry her hair while he stepped into the closet to find her some dry clothes.

"No, no," he said looking through the shirts to try and find something that wasn't very obviously Keith's. "I wish this one would burn in the fiery pits of hell," he mumbled tossing aside the old Harvard tee shirt she had worn before. "Here we go," he said pulling an NYPD tee shirt from a hanger.

He helped her dress and tucked her into bed. After turning out the lights, he climbed in beside her.

"You really didn't come here for sex?" she asked softly.

"Not this time," he said with a smile as he kissed her forehead. "I know you wanted time alone….I can leave if you want."

"No," she said nearly cutting him off. "I'd like you to stay. I just needed a little time away from Keith and the kids. I knew it would be bad when it finally hit me and I didn't really want them to see me like this."

"But you don't mind me being here?"

"No. Somehow, just being near you makes everything better."

Elliot smiled and she couldn't help but smile as well.

"I could order delivery if you want," he offered. "I know you haven't eaten anything all day."

"Thanks, but I don't think I could really eat right now."

"Do you want me to find a movie?"

"No. Can we just lay here together for a while?"

"Of course we can," he said and she smiled again. "Is it alright if I hold you?"

"I'd like that," she whispered.

Elliot raised his arm and she settled in against his chest. She was so exhausted and had barely managed to sleep any at all over the last few days. Even when she had found the time to lay down, thoughts and memories of her mother usually kept her awake.

"Elliot," she whispered.

"Yes?"

"I love you," she said with a yawn. "Thank you for always taking such good care of me."

"Any time. I love you, too."

A few minutes later a completely worn out Olivia was snoring in his arms.

Elliot woke the next morning to her tenderly kissing the side of his neck. They had been fooling around long enough by now to know that this was their mutual invitation for morning sex. He opened his eyes and smiled and she laughed and smiled back at him.

"Well, it looks like someone is feeling better today. How did you sleep?"

"Amazingly. I feel so much better. I think a good night's sleep in the arms of the man I love was exactly what I needed. And I will give you three guesses what I need now," she replied with a wink.

"Oh, you need it, huh?"

"I do," she whispered as he pulled the blankets over their heads.

They kissed and touched and within moments all of their clothing was in a pile in the floor beside the bed. Olivia kissed him passionately as he moved inside of her. She closed her eyes and moaned softly sliding her fingertips down his back as he raised up and began to move a little faster.

She squealed and giggled playfully as she rolled him off of her, then disappeared under the blankets.

"Don't tell me you're done already."

"Oh no, I am just getting started," she snarled pouncing on him like a cat as she pushed him back and pinned him to the bed.

Obviously Olivia was needing to feel like she had a little more control in her life and was taking it out on him in the bedroom. But Elliot didn't mind one bit.

She started out slow, kissing a trail up his chest until her mouth met his. But before he knew it she was on top of him in the bed and they were both moaning once more. It was hot….so hot and so sexy, the way she dominated him. And the one thing Elliot wanted more than anything was to please her.

Olivia leaned forward and kissed him once more as she sat up, allowing the sheets and blankets to fall around her waist and exposing her beautiful breasts to him. Elliot smoothed his hand up her abdomen and gently massaged her left breast. His other hand fell to her hips and he used it to guide her movements on top of him.

Olivia tipped her head back as she began to moan and whimper. He could tell she was just about to reach her climax when….

"I don't fucking believe this!"

Olivia's eyes shot open and she stared down at Elliot for a second. She breathed heavily as she rolled off him and pulled the sheet up around her body. Elliot gulped, but couldn't move.

"Keith," she gasped with a look of terror in her eyes.

There in the bedroom doorway stood her husband and scattered in the floor around his feet were the two dozen white roses he had brought to his wife.

He shook his head and backed out of the room.

"Keith, wait!" She called out climbing from the bed to run after him. "Please wait," she pleaded with him in the hallway.

Olivia grabbed his arm to try and get him to stop and listen to her, though she had no clue what to say to him.

"Don't touch me!" he snarled pulling away from her so hard she fell back against the wall. "And don't you dare try to justify this to me!"

He turned and walked into the living room as she watched his every move.

Reaching for the door handle, he turned to look back at her and laughed.

"I got called into work. I stopped by here to check on you. I figured you were asleep. I only opened the bedroom door because I thought I heard you crying," he laughed. "I was worried about you. But I can see now that you are just fine."

Buy now Olivia was crying.

"Keith," she whispered.

But he just shook his head and stormed out the door.

Olivia slid down the wall to sit in the floor and cried. She knew all along that he would find out eventually and she had always figured she would tell him. But somehow, she had never really thought he would find out this way.