Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven't updated in forever. I had major writer's block after I posted Chapter 10, but real life interfered once I got my mojo back. I was up to my eyeballs in research papers and exams, and I had to ignore poor Brainward for a while. I apologize profusely and hope this chapter makes you happy. Thanks so very much to my wonderful beta Bittenev. Bitt, you are my friend and my confidante, and I love you more than drive-thru daiquiri shops! To my Brainward fan club: my adopted little sis pwtf, GPB, Katy, Jenn, Red, Cappie, Gustariana, Ambushed, Magan, mommyofboth, and anyone else I may have forgotten-I love you all very much! Thanks for sticking with me on this ride. The song for Chapter 11 is "Falling into Place" by The Afters. The link is on my profile. Thanks to my wonderful BBFF Dolle who suggested it to me. I love you, BB! Disclaimer: SMeyer owns Twilight. I'll own my car after I make my last payment next week!
Chapter 11—Falling into Place
EPOV
It was a beautiful spring morning, quite sunny for Seattle actually. Bella was driving me to therapy, but today was different from most Mondays over the last two months. Bella was going back to work today. She had finally run out of sick days, and, honestly, we needed the money. Even though she would never admit it, I had a feeling she was going stir crazy just being home. I knew how much she loved teaching and her students, and I felt like I was keeping her away from that.
I needed someone to pick me up from the rehab center each day and stay with me until Bella got home, so my family worked out a schedule. Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice would take turns picking me up and "Edward sitting." I couldn't be left alone because of my seizures, which really sucked.
It had been three weeks since I was released from the hospital. I was fully recovered from my head injury and UTI, and my blood pressure was back to normal. The new meds I was taking for my blood pressure were working, and my anti-convulsants had been increased. I was actually feeling pretty good and making progress in therapy. I had regained some sensation in my left leg, and I felt like it was getting stronger every day. I still had some weakness in my left arm, but I had regained my range of motion. The most dramatic improvement, though, had been in my speech. As long as I took my time and didn't talk too fast, my stutter was almost gone. I now only had speech therapy twice a week. Emmett joked that he'd have knocked me upside my head a few months ago if he'd had known it would help.
The only thing that hadn't improved was my energy level. I still got tired very easily. My body required at least nine hours of sleep a night in order to function properly. Lack of sleep was also a cause of seizures, and I certainly didn't want that to happen. I also found that I had to rest for a while in the afternoon after therapy. Even if I didn't actually sleep, I just needed to lie down and reenergize. I hoped it would get better over time.
All too soon we arrived at the hospital. Bella got my wheelchair out of the trunk and helped me into it, although I didn't have to rely on her help so much anymore. I wheeled myself into the lobby, and Bella told me goodbye.
"Have a great day," she said, biting her lip and trying not to cry.
"It's OK," I told her. "I'll be fine. You need to go back to work. It's time."
Bella laughed. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"You found out my s-secret," I replied jokingly. "S-seriously, Bella, I can do this. I'll be all right. I'm g-going to miss you, but I'm excited for you to get back to s-school."
"I'm going to miss you like crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do without you all day," Bella said.
"Hmmm, teach kids perhaps," I deadpanned.
Bella responded by playfully swatting my arm. "You're funny, Edward Cullen! Now go kick some butt in therapy today!"
I kissed Bella goodbye and headed off to occupational therapy with Tanya. I had that along with physical and visual therapy today. My speech therapy was now only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Emmett was picking me up today, and we were meeting Carlisle for lunch afterwards.
I made it through my first two sessions, and it was soon time for physical therapy. Now that I was regaining sensation in my leg, Jake was pushing me harder than ever. He knew how determined I was to walk, and he was just as determined to help me get there. We finally reached the end of our session, but Jake said we weren't finished yet.
"I want you to try something new today," Jake said, leading me over to a set of parallel bars. "I want you to walk."
I looked at him skeptically. "I don't know, Jake. I want to, but I don't know if I can."
Jake nodded. "You can do this, Edward. You're ready. You've been working so hard. Just give it a try."
I could do this. I would do this. I wheeled over to the end of the bars, grabbed onto them, and slowly pulled myself up. I stood there for a moment, trying to gather the courage to take that first step. I wasn't used to standing, so my legs felt like lead, even my unaffected right leg. I still didn't have complete sensation in my left leg, and I was afraid I might trip over my own foot. I wanted this, though. I wanted it more than anything. Jake was right behind me, ready to offer his support if I needed it. I finally took my first step and then another. I couldn't believe it. I was walking. It wasn't much, but I was walking. I was so happy that I wanted to shout from the rooftops. I managed about five steps before I turned around and walked back to my wheelchair. I plopped down in my chair, exhausted yet exhilarated.
"You did it!" Jake said excitedly, patting me on the shoulder and shaking my hand. I had done it. They were only baby steps, but I knew I was on my way. I had, both literally and figuratively, taken the first steps toward my future.
I was beaming as I made my way to the lobby to meet Emmett, but I became worried when I saw my brother's face. It was an expression of shock and awe, and his eyes were filled with tears. "Em, what's wrong?"
It took him a moment to gain enough composure to speak. "Nothing's wrong. In fact, it's all right. You walked. I saw you. You walked. I was afraid I'd never see that again." He brushed his tears away with the back of his hand.
"I know, Em," I told him. "I w-wondered that too. I'm going to, though. It wasn't much, but it's a s-start."
Emmett gave me a big smile. "You've accomplished a lot, Ed, but I've never been prouder of you than I am now."
Now I was getting teary eyed. "Thanks, Emmett. You do know a lot of my recovery is because of you."
"Me? How?" Emmett asked as we headed towards the cafeteria to meet Carlisle.
"You've been pushing me since day one," I replied. "You never let me give up. You encouraged me to fight."
"No way was I letting you go down without a fight," Emmett said. "Haven't you learned by now that I'm the protector?" Oh no, not the "protector" stuff again! "My family is too important. I'm gonna take care of you whether you like it or not."
Emmett and I were both laughing as we arrived at the cafeteria and met Carlisle. "What's so funny?" my dad asked.
"Oh, Emmett's just being Emmett," I replied, still laughing.
"Hey, I was just trying to have a moment, and you ruined it," Emmett replied, pretending to be offended.
Carlisle shook his head and waited until we got our food and were seated before he asked about my day. "So, how was therapy?"
"Edward walked today!" Emmett blurted out before I could say anything. I could only shake my head at my brother's enthusiasm.
"What? You walked?" Carlisle looked surprised.
"I just took a few s-steps with the parallel bars," I explained. "It wasn't like I ran across the room."
"But this is big, Edward," Carlisle pointed out. "It may only be a few steps now, but it's just the beginning. What about your arm? How's it coming along?"
"I can move it and use it for the most part, but it's still a little weak. I don't have all of my s-strength back, and I don't know if I ever will," I said.
"Why can't we just go to the gym and work it out?" Emmett wanted to know.
I sighed. "I wish it was that easy. It's not like I injured a muscle or something. My brain is damaged. It's likely that I'll never have full use of my arm again. I would like to get back to the gym, though."
Carlisle nodded. "That's actually a good idea. I think you should talk to Dr. Snow and your therapists about it. It can't hurt."
"I could be your personal trainer!" Emmett said excitedly. Emmett had actually worked as a trainer in college and was quite good at it. I was just afraid, though, of what he might put me through.
"Now calm down, Emmett," Carlisle admonished with a chuckle. "You can't go overboard with this. If Edward does go back to the gym, you're going to have to start slow."
"I know, I know," Emmett replied in exasperation. "I promise not to overdo it."
All I could do was laugh. My brother was unstoppable once he got started on any kind of project. It was that tenacity that made him so successful.
Our conversation eventually turned to sports, baseball specifically. "I was thinking we could go to a Mariners game soon," Carlisle said.
I frowned a little. "I'd love to, but I don't know if I can. It'd be difficult."
"Nonsense, Edward," Carlisle replied. "Safeco Field is fully accessible and wheelchair friendly. You'll be fine."
I forced a smile, not feeling the same enthusiasm my father felt. Just because the stadium was accessible didn't mean it would be easy. I hated being in crowds with my wheelchair. A crowded stadium was bound to make me feel uncomfortable.
We finished our lunch, and Carlisle returned to work. During the whole drive home, Emmett prattled on about the workout plan he was going to put together for me. I had to laugh because he was more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Working out again was something I looked forward to, but I was also nervous about it. What if I couldn't do it? What if I wasn't physically strong enough?
Emmett was still going on and on about the workout thing when we got home. "So, Edward, you are going to talk to Dr. Snow, right?"
"Yes, Em, I will call his office tomorrow," I replied, trying not to get exasperated.
"Why don't you call now?" Emmett asked excitedly.
"Because I'm tired," I told him. "I really need to lie down."
Emmett nodded. "Oh, OK. Do you need any help getting in bed?"
I shook my head. "I've got it. But there is s-something you can do for me."
"Anything. What do you need?"
"S-since today's Bella's first day back at work, I want to have dinner ready when she comes home. Do you think you could order some takeout? Chinese?"
"Sure, bro," he said, getting up to grab the takeout menu from the kitchen. After telling him what I wanted, I wheeled myself into my room, got into bed, and quickly fell asleep.
I was awakened a while later by a kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes to find Bella sitting next to me on the bed. "Hey, sleepyhead," she said. "Did you have a good day?"
"I did," I replied, smiling at my beautiful Bella. "How was your first day back?"
"Surprisingly good," she said. "I thought it would be harder to get back into the swing of things, but it went just fine. Speaking of good, Emmett said you had some big news."
I sat up and took Bella's hands, feeling the excitement bubbling up inside of me. "I walked today!"
Bella looked surprised for a moment. Then she threw her arms around me and squealed. "Edward, that's amazing! But how? How did you do it?"
"Jake wanted me to try walking with the parallel bars," I explained as Bella sat back to listen. "I wanted to, but I wasn't s-sure if I could. It took me a minute to get up my nerve, but I did. I only took a few steps, but I did it."
"I am so proud of you," Bella said as her eyes filled with tears. "It may have only been a few steps, but it's a start. Just take it slow, Edward."
"I know. It won't c-come back overnight," I admitted, "but I won't give up. I will walk again s-someday. I'm going to walk down the aisle at our wedding."
Bella smiled and placed her hand on my cheek. "You know you don't have to do that. You'll walk when you're ready. I'm going to marry you regardless. I love you no matter what."
I moved Bella's hand to my lips and kissed it. "I'm ready to walk now. I've got enough time. I promise I'm going to walk on our wedding day."
"Well not only did you walk, but I also saw that you arranged dinner," Bella said with a little laugh. "You've been busy today."
"Today was your first day back at s-school," I said. "I wanted you to be able to come home and relax."
Bella kissed me on the cheek. "Yet another reason why I love you so much! Come on, let's go eat."
We made our way to the kitchen to eat. Both Bella and I had so much to talk about during dinner. I was so happy that she'd had such a good day. I was starting to feel like the old me, the Edward I was before the stroke. It was a wonderful feeling.
We were almost finished eating when Bella started laughing. "Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to tell you," she said between giggles. "I saw Colby walking Bitt to class today, and I swear they were making goo goo eyes at each other. It was so funny. All I could think about, though, was Emmett and what he'd do to poor Colby if he saw him."
I began to laugh as well. "Emmett would have beat him to a pulp. Good thing he was here all day."
"So what kind of adventures did you and Emmett have today?" Bella asked.
I sighed. "He wants to get me in the gym and working out again. I'd really like to, but I'm not sure if I can. I did promise to talk to Dr. Snow about it, though. I don't know. I suppose it could help."
"I think it might help," Bella said. "I know you may not get all your strength back, but it's worth a shot. You might feel better going just for the social aspect of it. No matter what, you have to go because you want to. You can't do it for me or Emmett or anyone else. Do it for you."
I wheeled myself over to Bella and kissed her. "This is why I love you. You s-support me no matter what." I kissed her again, but this kiss was much more passionate. I pulled Bella closer, and she grabbed my face as she returned my kiss.
"Edward," she panted, "I need you. Now."
That was all I needed to hear. I pulled Bella on my lap, and she continued to kiss down my jaw and neck as I wheeled us into the bedroom.
Bella and I made it to our bedroom, where we made love passionately. We had made love a few times since that night we spent at the hotel, and it only got better each time. I was so happy that I could continue to give myself to her this way. I loved my Bella more than anything, and I would do anything to make her happy.
I slept peacefully that night with Bella in my arms. The day had been a great one. Bella's and my lives were slowly returning to normal. I only hoped that things would stay that way.
Therapy went well the next day. Jake had me walk with the parallel bars again, and I took about the same number of steps as I had the day before. It felt amazing.
I was getting back in my wheelchair when I heard a voice say, "I heard someone was walking." I looked up to see Dr. Snow smiling.
I smiled back. "The rumors are true. It's only a few s-steps, but I'm working on it. I'm getting back to normal." Then I remembered the gym thing. "Dr. Snow, I was wondering if I could start working out at the gym again. Emmett wants to be my personal trainer. I'd like to s-start exercising again."
Dr. Snow laughed, no doubt thinking about Emmett as my trainer. Even my doctor knew how crazy my brother was. "Actually, Edward, I think that would be a good idea. You'll need to start slowly, though. It would be best to concentrate on your upper body for now." He paused for a moment and chuckled. "Emmett wants to be your trainer? That's a little scary!"
"Tell me about it," I laughed. "Emmett is scary, all right. He has good intentions, but he doesn't always go about it in the right way."
I wrapped up my session for the day and headed to the lobby, where I was surprised to see Esme. I thought Emmett would be picking me up again today. "Mom, what are you doing here?" I asked, confused.
"I'm here to pick you up, silly," she replied. "Who else were you expecting?"
"I thought Em was going to pick me up. Are you sure he's not coming to get me?"
Esme looked worried. "I'm positive. Today's my day. Didn't Bella tell you?"
Had Bella told me? I was sure she would have said something about who was on "Edward duty" today. Besides, why would my mom show up if it wasn't her day? Now I was even more confused.
"You're coming home with me today," Esme explained. "You'll spend the afternoon and then Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie are coming after work for dinner."
I was still a little confused, but at the same time things made sense. Now I was feeling nervous and worried. Why didn't I remember that my mother was picking me up today? I knew that Emmett couldn't leave work early two days in a row. Oh well. I figured it wouldn't do me any good to dwell on the situation.
When we got back to my parents' house, Esme made me a sandwich and we sat and talked about my day. Naturally, she was thrilled about my walking. I told her about Emmett wanting to be my trainer, which made her laugh, and Dr. Snow giving me the OK. I couldn't help but smile as I sat and talked with my mom. It was yet another indication that things were returning to normal.
I began to feel tired after a while, which didn't go unnoticed by Esme. "Edward honey, why don't you go and lie down," she said. "I've got the sofa all made up for you. It's too bad none of the bedrooms are downstairs because I'm sure you'd be more comfortable in a bed."
"The s-sofa's fine, Mom," I assured her. "I actually s-sleep in my chair a lot at home. I'll be OK."
Esme gave me a quick hug, and I wheeled myself into the den. I had no trouble getting situated on the sofa, and once I did I pulled out my iPod. I missed my books, but I couldn't read for long periods of time because of my vision problems. Bella had suggested downloading audio books, which I thought was an excellent idea. I was currently listening to a book about a teenage girl who moves to a small town and falls in love with a vampire. Books like that usually didn't interest me, but this one was quite good. I put my earbuds in to listen, but it wasn't long before I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the house was very quiet. I figured Esme was cooking dinner, so I got in my wheelchair and made my way to the kitchen. As I got closer, I heard my mom and Bella talking.
"I can't believe he was surprised to see you," Bella said. "I told him several times about you picking him up and having dinner here."
"I figured that. He actually scared me," Esme replied. "He looked completely confused. I almost called Carlisle when we got home, but I didn't want to worry him as well."
They were talking about me. I suddenly became angry. Since the stroke, people tended to talk about me like I wasn't there. I just couldn't believe my fiancée and my mother were doing it. I knew they loved me and were worried, but I hated it. I decided to announce my presence as I wheeled myself into the kitchen.
"Bella, is that you?" I asked innocently.
"Hey, how was your day?" Bella wanted to know as she got up to kiss me.
"Good," I answered truthfully. It had been good until I heard Bella and Esme talking about me. "I walked again today, and Dr. Snow gave me the OK to go to the gym."
Bella laughed. "Emmett'll be happy to hear that. How was speech therapy?"
"Great. Caitlin is rather pleased with my progress," I replied. "She doesn't think I'll need her much longer. Now if I could just get my eyes to cooperate."
"Rose is taking you to your eye appointment tomorrow," Bella reminded me. "You did remember that, didn't you?"
I shook my head. I didn't remember. Why? Bella kept track of all my appointments on a calendar in the kitchen, and I checked it everyday. Now I knew why Bella and Esme were worried. I never forgot anything. Perhaps I was just tired. That had to be it.
Bella smiled and kissed me. "It's OK," she said. "You've had a lot going on lately. No wonder you forgot about it."
Yeah, Bella was right. She had to be. I just forgot because of everything else going on. That was it.
I hung out in the kitchen with Bella and Esme as they cooked. Esme gave me a couple of jobs to do, which I gladly did. My anger from earlier was gone, and I was happy to help out where I could. It was nice to feel useful.
Carlisle and Elizabeth got home a short time later, and Emmett and Rose arrived not long after. We were all crowded in the kitchen until Esme shooed the men out and sent Elizabeth to shower since she was stinky from softball practice.
"Hey Edward, you want a beer?" Emmett called out as he grabbed one from the refrigerator.
I sighed in exasperation. "Em, you know I can't have beer."
"Sorry, sorry, I forgot," Emmett replied. "What would happen if you did drink?"
Leave it to Emmett to ask a question like that. I sighed again. "It decreases the effectiveness of my anti-convulsants."
"So you'd have a seizure if you drank too much?" Emmett asked. For some odd reason, my brother was fascinated by this.
"Yes, Emmett," I said tersely. "I could also have a seizure from being s-stressed over my brother's s-stupid questions."
Emmett took the hint and dropped the subject, for which I was grateful. Just thinking about seizures gave me a headache.
"How was therapy today?" Carlisle asked.
"Really good. Dr. Snow came down to see me walk," I said.
Emmett bounced up and down excitedly. "Did you ask him about the gym?"
"He said it was fine as long as I s-started slowly," I replied. "I should just concentrate on my upper body for now."
"Awesome! I've already got a plan," Emmett said excitedly. "We should start tomorrow."
"I do have an appointment with my eye doctor tomorrow, but I think that would work," I told my overexcited brother.
We sat down to dinner a few minutes later, which finally shut up my brother/personal trainer. I really enjoyed family dinners because the focus wasn't on me. I could just be with my family and talk about anything and everything but my illness. We talked about Bitt's softball practice, Bella's classes, the new building Emmett was working on, and everything that was going on with Rose at Twilight. I was just normal Edward for a change, and I liked it.
After dinner we all headed into the den. I stopped, though, when I caught sight of the piano. I hadn't thought much lately about not being able to play, but I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I hadn't realized how much I missed it.
Elizabeth noticed my reaction and voiced what I couldn't say out loud. "You really miss playing, don't you?" she whispered.
I could only nod in agreement. I missed my piano more than anything. "It hurts so much," I finally managed to say.
My baby sister took my hands and looked me straight in the eye. "Let me teach you how to play again. After all, you taught me, so the least I can do is return the favor."
"I d-don't know, Bitt," I replied shakily. "I don't know if I can learn again. I want to so bad, but I won't be able to handle it if I can't."
"Please, Edward, can't we at least try?" she implored. "I hate seeing you look so sad."
Elizabeth was right. I could just try it. I was scared, but I really didn't have anything to lose. "OK, I'll try."
"Yay!" Elizabeth squealed, suddenly excited. "I'm so happy! I can't wait!"
Bella and I didn't stay late at my parents' house. I was sure Bella could sense how tired I was, so she helped me take a shower when we got home. I then went straight to bed. I was pretty restless, though, and couldn't sleep. Bella could also sense that when she came to bed.
"What's wrong, Edward?" she asked. "Is something bothering you?"
"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed," I admitted. "I feel like so much has happened in the last two days. All of a s-sudden I'm learning to walk again, going back to the gym, and relearning the piano. It's a lot to take in."
Bella nodded in agreement. "It is a lot, so promise me you won't overdo it. Take it easy for now. Everything's going to come back in time. You don't have to relearn everything at once."
"I know that, but you know how Emmett and Bitt are," I replied. "There's no s-stopping them once they have their minds made up."
"I know that, but I also know how stubborn you are," Bella said. "You'll have to tell them when enough's enough. This is about you, not them."
Bella was right. It was about me. I had to remember that because I knew I'd be in for a few fights along the way with my brother and sister.
Therapy went well the next day, and Rose met me afterwards to take me to my eye appointment. Dr. Clearwater had been my doctor for years, and I was very lucky that he was on the cutting edge when it came to research.
"Well, Edward, I have some great news for you," Dr. Clearwater said when he finished with my exam. "You're a candidate for prism glasses."
"Prism glasses? What's that?" I asked.
"The lens for the affected eye has actual prisms," explained Dr. Clearwater. "The prism helps you with your field of vision and improves your sight."
I became excited. "Does this mean I'll get all of my sight back?"
"I can't promise anything," Dr. Clearwater warned, "but they should give you back a good bit of it. I'd like to fit you today, and I can have them ready in a couple of weeks."
I looked across the room at Rose, who was all smiles. I was just as enthusiastic. This was one more piece of my life that was falling into place.
After being fitted for my new glasses, Rose brought me home so I could rest before my first training session with Emmett. I took a nap and ate dinner with Bella so I'd be ready for my brother.
Emmett showed up exactly when he said he would. We got to the gym, and Emmett told me about the workout plan he had designed for me. It was all upper body and meant to help me rebuild my muscle tone and strength. The whole thing was extremely difficult at first. I hadn't realized just how weak I had become, even in my right arm. Emmett joked that my six pack had turned into a keg, so he worked my abs pretty hard as well.
"Come on, Ed, you can do this," Emmett encouraged. "You're doing great!" It was like having my own personal cheerleader.
Before I knew it, our time was up and my workout was over. I was tired, but it was definitely a good tired. I was pretty excited about what I had done. I had also had a lot of fun. Exercising had never been a chore for me, and I hadn't realized how much I missed it.
"So, how was it?" Bella asked when I got home.
I smiled. "It was good. I really feel good. This guy is a s-slave driver, though," I joked, pointing at Emmett.
"You've been sitting on your lazy ass for far too long," Emmett teased back. "It's about time you do something."
Bella was laughing at us. "You two are worse than children. Oh, Edward, Elizabeth called and wants you to call her back. Something about piano lessons."
Crap. I had forgotten that I was going to let my sister teach me to play the piano again. It seemed like so much was happening all at once.
Emmett put his hand on my shoulder. "You call Bitt, and I'll get everything ready for your shower."
"Thanks, Em," I told him as I wheeled to the phone and called Bitt. She answered on the second ring.
"Hey, Edward! How was your workout?" My sister could be very enthusiastic.
"It was good. Emmett's a great trainer," I replied. "How's softball going?"
"It's great! Coach says I might be a starter soon. Can you believe it? Freshman don't always get the chance to start," Bitt said excitedly.
"I'm s-so proud of you," I said.
"I got it from you and Emmett. All of that practice in the backyard paid off."
I laughed. "So Bella said you called about piano lessons?"
"Yep. Are you ready to get started? Is tomorrow OK?" she asked.
"Tomorrow? So s-soon?"
"Why not? No time like the present," Bitt replied.
"I know, Bitt, but it's just a lot to take in," I said. "Walking, working out, and now piano lessons. You've g-got to understand where I'm coming from."
"I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to stress you out," Bitt apologized. "We can wait a while if you want."
I sighed. "No, you're right. No time like the present. I guess there's no s-sense in waiting."
"Yay!" Bitt squealed. "I'll have Dad drop me off after practice. I can't wait!"
I hammered out the final details with Elizabeth before going to take my shower. Emmett had the bathroom ready for me. I didn't have any problems getting in and out of the tub, but I couldn't take a shower unsupervised because of my risk of seizures. Bella or Emmett would wait for me in the bathroom. It made me feel like a child, but I supposed it was better than a head injury or drowning.
By the time I got out of the shower and dried and dressed, I was exhausted. It had been a long day. "I'm going to bed," I told Emmett.
"Bed? It's only 8:30," Emmett said, looking at his watch.
"I'm tired," I replied. "You know I don't have the energy I used to have. Everything wears me out."
"Sorry. I guess I just forgot about that. You've been getting better, and I often think you're back to normal." Emmett looked a little sad.
I had to laugh, though. "Back to normal? In a wheelchair?"
Emmett looked exasperated. "You know what I mean. You're doing more and more things every day, and I don't see you as disabled. You're just Edward. You're my brother who just happens to be in a wheelchair."
I was so touched by Emmett's words that it took me a minute to speak. "Thanks, Em. Thanks for being here and for taking care of me. I love you." Oh crap. Emmett was going to tease me for being sappy.
Apparently Emmett was feeling just as sappy because he crushed me in a huge bear hug. "I love you too, little brother. I'll always be here for you."
Emmett left soon afterwards, and I kissed Bella good night and went to bed. I hadn't been asleep for very long when I had a nightmare, my first one in a long time.
I was at my parents' house with Bella, and we were surrounded by our family. There had apparently been some kind of party. I was sitting on the sofa next to Bella when I suddenly felt dizzy and disoriented. Bella said something about going home, so I stood up when she did. The dizziness became worse, and I had to grab on to Bella for support. The room was spinning and I couldn't make it stop. Then I felt the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I literally thought that my head was going to explode. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. I tried to say something, to ask for help, but I couldn't. Then I felt myself succumb to the pain and slipped into the darkness.
"NOOOO!" I yelled, sitting up in bed. "No!" I was breathing heavily, my heart was racing, and I had broken out in a cold sweat.
"Edward!" Bella called out as she flew into the room. "Edward! What's the matter? Are you all right?"
I was shaking and sobbing. "N-n-night-mare," I stuttered.
Bella sat next to me and rubbed my back. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
It took me a minute, but I finally nodded. I then told Bella about the whole thing, stuttering and stumbling over my words as I did. I was still crying when I finished, and Bella just looked at me sadly.
"Edward," she began softly, "that wasn't a dream. It really did happen. That was the night you had your stroke."
My eyes grew wide, and I began trembling again. I had never had any memory of that night before now. "Wh-why? Why did I re-remember it now?"
"I don't know," Bella said, still rubbing my back soothingly. "Maybe this is part of moving on. Maybe you had to remember it to deal with it."
I closed my eyes and tried to regain control of my breathing. "I wanted it to stop," I finally managed to whisper. "The pain, the s-spinning…I just wanted it to s-stop. But it wouldn't. It pulled me down, and I couldn't fight it. I should have tried to fight, though. Maybe if I had tried harder I could have stayed awake. Maybe I'd be normal now."
"Stop it," Bella said sharply. "You couldn't have prevented this. It's not your fault you had a stroke. You can't blame yourself." I opened my mouth to protest, but Bella cut me off. "No, Edward. I don't want to hear you take the blame for it. You said you couldn't fight it, and you were right. How were you supposed to know you had this AVM?"
"I'm s-sorry," I told her. "I just don't kn-know if I can handle this."
"You can. You will. You've been doing great," Bella assured me. "I'm here, and so is your family. We're going to help you get through it."
"Thanks," I said. "I want to sleep now, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to."
"I'll get you a sleeping pill," Bella replied, kissing me on the cheek before getting up to get my medicine.
Thankfully the sleeping pill put me in a deep, dreamless sleep and I was finally able to get some much-needed rest.
I felt better the next day, even though I was still worried about my nightmare. Therapy went well, though, and I walked even farther today. That improved my mood significantly. Alice picked me up from therapy, which improved my mood even more. It was impossible to be in a bad mood around her.
Alice and I were sitting at the kitchen table eating last night's leftovers when I decided to ask her a difficult question. "Alice, what was it like for everyone when I had my s-stroke?"
Alice looked nervous. "Are you sure you really want to know this?"
I nodded. "I need to know. Last night I had a nightmare. I remembered my stroke."
"Oh, Edward," Alice said sadly. "I'm so sorry." She paused for a moment before continuing. "It was bad. I don't know how Bella made it. She and Emmett went to see you before your surgery, and she nearly collapsed when she came out. Jasper caught her before she fell. Emmett went outside, and Rose said he just started yelling before he broke down and cried. Bella never left your side. She hardly ate or slept. And Esme. She was just a mess. Even Carlisle cried."
Alice paused for a moment to gauge my reaction. I looked at her pleadingly, silently urging her to go on.
"Elizabeth wouldn't even go and see you at first. She was completely in denial. It took her four days to finally go to the hospital."
My heart broke thinking of my baby sister working up the nerve to see me. I didn't know which was worse, that or Emmett crying.
"I s-suppose Jasper held everyone together," I said.
Alice shook her head. "He was fine when we were with everyone else, but he'd break down when it was just the two of us. He came home pretty upset one day when you told him you wanted to die. He said you could barely speak, but you made it clear how you felt. It nearly killed him to hear you say that. He was pretty scared."
I suddenly felt ashamed. How could I have done that to my best friend? "I'm s-sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry."
"What are you sorry about?" Alice asked, shocked. "It's not as if you did any of this on purpose. Yes it was difficult, but it's not your fault. What we went through was nothing compared to you."
"Thanks, Alice. I needed to know this," I told her honestly.
Alice grabbed my hand. "We've come this far with you, and we're not going anywhere. We all love you, Edward."
I felt a lot better after talking to Alice. I had to know what my family went through while I was in a coma. I needed to understand.
I took my afternoon nap shortly after my talk with Alice. Bella was home when I woke up, so we hung out while she cooked. Elizabeth was coming by after dinner for my piano lesson. I only hoped I was ready.
Elizabeth was still in her softball clothes when Carlisle dropped her off. "Mom's right. You do s-stink after practice," I teased.
"Whatever," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Let's get started."
Bitt and I sat at the piano and began our lesson. Surprisingly, I could still name all the notes on the staff. I just couldn't remember the songs I had memorized. It wasn't easy, though. I was having a difficult time getting my hands and my brain to work together. Still, I managed to play a few scales. Bitt was excited, but I was frustrated.
"Edward, you did fine. Don't be so hard on yourself," Bitt insisted. "I'm proud of you."
"I want to play again. This isn't g-good enough," I replied, exasperated.
Bitt shook her head. "You're not going to become a concert pianist overnight. It's like walking. You have to take baby steps. I know it's easy for me to be positive, but you have to be positive too. Take it slow. Getting frustrated isn't going to help."
I smiled a little. "I thought I was supposed to be the one giving you advice. How did you get so s-smart?"
Bitt laughed and hugged me. "I guess I learned from my big brothers."
I took a sleeping pill that night so I would sleep without being awakened by nightmares. It worked, and I felt good in the morning.
Bella had gotten up before me, and she came into the bedroom as I finished getting dressed. "Good morning," she said as she kissed me. "Your breakfast is on the table, and I put your pills on the counter. This had become our morning ritual. Even though I was capable of making a few things, Bella usually fixed breakfast. She also set my pills on the kitchen counter so I'd remember to take them.
I wheeled into the kitchen and began eating. Bella had made scrambled eggs and toast, and I was about halfway finished when she joined me.
"Edward, why didn't you take your pills?" Bella asked me.
"I did," I replied. I always took my meds before breakfast. Why would today be any different?
"No you didn't," she said, walking over to me with the pills in her hand.
I looked at Bella in confusion. "I always take them before I eat. I guess I forgot."
Bella smiled, but I could see she was worried. "It's OK," she said, handing me the pills.
It wasn't OK. I never forgot to take my medicine. I took the pills, but I was angry at myself for forgetting.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to make progress in therapy. I was walking more each day and couldn't wait to get rid of my wheelchair. My workouts with Emmett were going well. I was getting stronger, so Emmett increased the difficulty. I finally got permission from Dr. Snow to work my legs, and Emmett put together a difficult program. I enjoyed the exercise, but it was hard at times.
My piano lessons with Bitt weren't going as well. She was proud of my progress, but I felt like I was capable of more than "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Bitt kept reminding me that it would take me a while to relearn everything, but I was impatient. I wanted to be able to play and compose like I did before the stroke.
I spent the day before Mother's Day at my parents' house. The girls had all gone shopping, so I hung out with Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper and watched baseball. It was fun to have some guy time. I eventually fell asleep, though, and I napped for a while until the girls came home from their shopping trip.
"Did you have a good day?" Bella asked me.
I kissed her. "S-sure did. How about you?"
"Alice dragged us in every single store in the mall," Bella replied with a sigh. "I'm exhausted."
"Oh come on, Bella, it wasn't so bad," Alice insisted. "Besides, I know Edward's going to love some of the things you bought."
I raised my eyebrows. "Oh really. I c-can't wait."
Bella playfully swatted me and whispered in my ear, "Neither can I."
Esme wound up ordering pizza, and we all sat around laughing and talking. We shared tales of past Mother's Days, and Esme had plenty of interesting ones. Then again, she did have Emmett as a son.
We had just finished eating when Elizabeth made a suggestion. "Hey Edward, why don't you play the piano for us?"
I shot her a dirty look. I wasn't quite ready to play for anyone yet. "No," I said firmly.
Elizabeth was persistent, though. "Oh come on. You're doing great. Show everyone what you've learned."
"I don't feel c-comfortable enough yet," I said.
Then Emmett chimed in. "I wanna hear you play."
"Behave you two," Carlisle admonished them. "You can't force your brother to play if he's not ready."
"But Dad, Edward's making so much progress," Elizabeth said. "You'd be so proud of him!"
Carlisle looked over at me and smiled. "I'm proud of Edward no matter what."
Elizabeth didn't want to give up. "Please, Edward. Just one song."
I became exasperated because I knew my sister wasn't going to give up. She was as stubborn as I was. "OK, but only one s-song."
Everyone followed me into the den as I got settled at the piano. I played a few scales to warm up before I launched into "Twinkle Twinkle." I was halfway through the song, though, when my mind went completely blank. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to play.
Elizabeth placed her hand on my shoulder. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't remember the rest," I replied quietly.
"You've been playing that song just fine," she replied. "You can do it."
"I can't remember," I repeated. Elizabeth opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off. "I can't fucking remember!" I yelled. Elizabeth flinched as if I had hit her.
Emmett wrapped his arm around Bitt protectively. "Don't you dare yell at her like that!" he shot back.
I continued yelling. "You're just as bad! I don't know why you can't accept me the way I am! I'm not perfect, and you can't make me all better again! Why can't you just face the facts! I'm damaged! I'm tired of you trying to make me perfect!"
I didn't even wait for Emmett to respond. I wheeled myself into Carlisle's study, slammed the door, and buried my face in my hands and cried. I was sorry I had yelled at my brother and sister, but I was angry at them for pushing me so hard. I heard someone come into the room, but I didn't look up until I heard a voice.
"Edward, talk to me please." It was Jasper. "I know you're upset and overwhelmed, but talk to me about it."
I couldn't hide anything from Jasper, so I figured I might as well tell him. "I feel like they want me to be perfect, but I'm not. It's like they can't accept me. I want to go back to being the old me, but I can't. Why can't they just love me for who I am?"
"They do love you," Jasper said, sitting down on the couch. I wheeled myself next to him, and he continued. "They only want you to get better. You have to speak up, though, when it becomes too much. Do Emmett and Bitt know how you feel?"
"No," I replied, looking down.
Jasper put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked up. "You have to tell them," he said. "They're not mind readers. Emmett and Bitt wouldn't be pushing you so hard if they know how you felt. Be honest with them. They deserve that much."
I sighed. "It's just hard, Jasper. They've been going out of their way for me. If I tell them to s-stop, I might seem ungrateful."
"You don't have to stop. Just ask them to slow down," Jasper suggested.
We were interrupted by a knock on the door, and Carlisle came in and sat with us. "Are you OK?"
I shook my head. "I'm s-sorry, Dad. I'm just so overwhelmed."
"I know. I just had a little talk with Emmett and Elizabeth, and they're going to lay off. But I'm worried about you, Edward. Bella told me you've been quite forgetful lately."
"I can't remember things," I whispered. Carlisle and Jasper looked at me with concern as I went on. "I forget things. I forget to take my medicine and who's picking me up from therapy and other little things."
"How long has this been going on?" Carlisle asked me.
"A couple of weeks," I told him. I paused for a moment. "Do you think it has anything to do with my head injury?"
Carlisle nodded. "I think it does. You didn't have any problems after the stroke, so I'm pretty sure the head injury is causing it. I'm free Monday afternoon, so I'd like to take you in to see Dr. Snow."
"OK. I hope he can help," I replied. "I hate feeling this way."
"We'll see," Carlisle said with a smile. "Now if you're feeling up to it, your brother and sister would like to talk to you."
"I want to apologize to them," I said, and Carlisle, Jasper, and I headed back to the den.
Elizabeth ran up and threw her arms around me. "I'm sorry, Edward," she sobbed. "I didn't mean to push you like that. We'll slow it down. I promise."
I hugged my sister back and tried to comfort her. "No, Bitt, I'm the one who should be s-sorry. I sh-shouldn't have yelled at you." I looked up at Emmett. "Em, I'm s-sorry. I should have told you how I felt."
Emmett knelt down and put one arm around me and the other around Bitt. "It's OK, Edward. I think we sometimes forget how hard it is for you. We do want you to get better, but it has to be on your terms. We won't force it."
"Thanks, guys," I told them. "I love you both so much for believing in me and wanting to help me."
"We love you too," Elizabeth said as we pulled in for a group hug.
Emmett was wiping his eyes as we broke our hug. "Em, are you crying?" I asked him.
"No. It's my allergies," he insisted. All we could do was laugh at him.
Monday afternoon I found myself in Dr. Snow's office. He examined me thoroughly, and I told him about the symptoms I had been experiencing.
"Memory loss after a head injury is common," Dr. Snow explained. "Fortunately it does often go away. In the meantime, there are ways to cope with it. Make lists and write things down. You may even want to use a small tape recorder to remind yourself of things. I'd also like for you to work on crossword puzzles or sudokus to keep your brain active."
I felt relieved. I could do that. I honestly thought it would be much worse.
Then Dr. Snow smiled. "Now Edward, I'd like you to try something."
I began to smile as well when Dr. Snow explained what he wanted me to do. Hell, I almost shouted from the rooftops.
BPOV
I couldn't wait to get home Monday afternoon. It had been a rough day at school, and I was a nervous wreck about Edward's doctor's appointment. I was petrified about what Dr. Snow might find.
Carlisle was in the living room when I got home. "Hey, Bella," he greeted me. "How was your day?"
"Terrible," I replied as I sat down and rubbed my temples. "How was Edward's appointment?"
"I think I'd better let Edward tell you himself," Carlisle said as he got up and went to the bedroom.
I became even more nervous. What could possibly have gone wrong? Then Edward appeared in the living room. If I hadn't been sitting, I'd have fallen down from the shock. Edward wasn't in his wheelchair. He was actually walking towards me with a walker. The smile on his face could have lit up the entire city of Seattle. My hand flew to my mouth, and I began crying tears of joy.
"Well, what do you think?" he asked proudly.
It took me a minute to find my voice. "Oh my God, Edward! You're walking! You're walking!" I was finally able to get up, and I launched myself at Edward.
Edward hugged me tightly. "I know. I can't believe it myself. I didn't think I'd ever walk again. But I did it, Bella. I did it. Hopefully I'll be walking on my own s-soon."
"I love you so much," I said through my tears. "I am so proud to be your fiancée."
"I love you too," he replied as he kissed me.
I never thought this day would come, but it had. It didn't matter that Edward was using a walker. He was walking. He had fought so hard for this, and he had done it. He was truly my hero.
A/N: Edward's prism glasses are real. I have a link to a great article about them on my profile.
