ANs: Yay, so happy to be back now my exams are finished for this year. Wrote this out over the last couple of days. Could probably be better but… ah. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the penultimate chapter.

Lotus Flower
November - Chrysanthemum, Truth

Sendoh Akira, for all his natural born confidence and easy going demeanour could not seem to help the way butterflies rose and fell in his stomach. He wondered queasily if he was going to be sick.

He gripped the file in his hands and felt that his palms were a little sweaty. Walking onto the court, no matter the pressure or the odds, had never made him feel quite this nervous.

He forced himself to take the first steps forward, bringing himself under the arch of the gate, trying not to be intimidated by the columns, the brick buildings, the whole terrifying prospect of the place. The wet concrete shimmered gently in the weak after-rain sunshine. The weather, he noticed, was already beginning to change.

He was here at their invitation, he reminded himself severely. He ought to act like it.

His hand drifted subconsciously to the charm that dangled from his phone and squeezed it tight. Kaede had given it to him. A simple white resin flower set in silver. In the middle, where the yellow centre should be, was an orange basketball. On the back was printed one word: Truth.

In case you forget, Kaede had told him, with that sincere look in his eye that always made Sendoh's heart pound, that you are… really strong. He'd then looked a bit embarrassed and quickly forced the charm into Sendoh's palm. Sendoh had found the whole thing hopelessly endearing.

Strong.

Truth.

He shook himself.

It would be fine.

Hopefully.

He carried on up the drive towards the administration buildings.

This was his third interview but it was the one that mattered to him the most. He'd never really been all that concerned about attending university or what exactly he was planning to do with himself after graduating school, but following Ryonan's run of successful games at the inter-highs, no less than four colleges had approached Sendoh directly with offers to come and interview, and this school had been among them. It offered good prospects for a basketball player; a strong university team, and generous scholarships for those lucky enough to qualify.

But the main reason he was taking this one so seriously was because during discussion Kaede had admitted that he also had his eye on this place for the future.

And in that moment, Sendoh had suddenly found himself with a… purpose. An… aim.

So here he was.

The previous two interviews had really not gone well at all. He did wonder if perhaps he ought to change his strategy. If it was too risky. If he ought to simply conform and accept whatever they offered him and be grateful for it. But when he squeezed Kaede's small charm tightly in his fist he took comfort from the fact that he finally knew what he wanted, for once in his life, and he wasn't prepared to compromise.

Truth.

He swallowed his nerves and smiled to himself.

When he entered the interview room, three men and one woman were waiting to meet him. He bowed as each introduced themselves in turn. The first, wearing a university branded tracksuit, was the team coach. The others included the young scout who he'd spoken to at the inter-highs, a grumpy looking older man who was head of the bursary commission, and the woman who turned out to be the basketball team manager.

He took a seat across from them, feeling a little awkward in his own formal suit, placing the folder of papers across his lap, and gazed at them as they gazed back at him.

The coach shuffled his papers first. "Well," he began, "Sendoh Akira."

Sendoh turned his eyes upon the man and waited.

"Congratulations," the woman piped up, "I heard your team placed fifth at the inter-highs."

Sendoh cleared his throat and nodded to accept the compliment. "Thank you," he said. Although when she said it, fifth place didn't sound all that grand, being captain of the fifth strongest high school in the nation wasn't anything to sniff at, he hoped.

"Yes..." the coach agreed a little dismissively, "...well, aside from that..." he stared at Sendoh accusingly, "...what are your plans?"

"Plans?" Sendoh echoed.

"Yes, yes," the man waved a hand, "do you want to play professionally? In the future? Are you planning to dedicate yourself to the sport or do you have other careers in mind?"

"Oh, uhm..." this had always been a weak part of every interview. The reality was he had no idea at all. "Actually my parents are in business and there is some expectation that I will help them but I'm not certain about that. Of course I would like to pursue basketball professionally in some capacity but practically speaking..." he gave a small shrug, "…well I guess I would like to believe it is possible. And if it is possible then I would like to pursue it wholeheartedly."

"Hn."

Sendoh swallowed and waited. The coach did not seem particularly interested in his answer and didn't look up from his papers.

The woman leaned forwards. "And do you have any particular reason for hoping to attend this university?"

Sendoh's eyes moved between the four of them, trying to judge the atmosphere. The coach who didn't look up. The scout who probably had limited influence. The head of the bursary who, so far, had only watched him silently but hardly seemed the friendly type. And lastly the female team manager.

He decided to take the risk, again. He addressed himself to the woman who had asked the question.

"The truth is..." he said sincerely. "I'm… in a relationship right now. Honestly I am simply planning to attend whichever university my, uh, partner attends. And they said that they want to come here. And that's why I am… here now."

The coach finally looked up at him, but the expression on his face was not one that appeared impressed by his refreshing honesty, but rather disbelief that he could possibly have aired an answer so patently stupid. It was a look Sendoh had seen at previous interviews. He felt a rock settle in his stomach.

The manager gave an awkward, disbelieving laugh. "Is that so? Young love, I guess." She didn't sound too impressed either.

Sendoh's eyes lowered towards his shoes.

"The truth is that we want you on the team," the young scout spoke up. Sendoh looked towards him hopefully. He appeared to be in his late thirties. He was the only one Sendoh had met face-to-face before. He had been gushing in his enthusiasm at the conclusion of the inter-highs, shaking Sendoh's hand energetically. He seemed different now, though. In this formal environment, perhaps without the adrenaline of the game fresh in his mind, the atmosphere was different. Analytic. Strained. A room of difficult decisions. No doubt they were deliberating between a number of highly capable players. A team this prestigious could afford to be choosey. "But you make it sound like we should be interviewing your girlfriend instead of you. If you don't care enough to make the choice yourself, then why would we go out of our way to encourage you to come here?"

"Uh-" Sendoh scratched the back of his head and smiled anxiously. "Actually I… I was hoping that you… would."

"Would what?"

"Uhm… also consider offering a place to my, uh… partner. For next year, though. Actually, you see, they are in the year below me." His words came out jumbled. He tried to clarify. "I want you to offer both of us places, you see."

They exchanged glances.

"I know it's not common practise but if you did..." Sendoh added quickly, "...if you accepted both of us then I would… I would do everything I could to make your team the greatest in the country. Even compete on the international stage. I would..." he leaned forward, "...I would put my soul into this team and I'd… I'd exceed all your expectations of me. And that's… that's… the truth."

The coach finally looked up at him, apparently interested in what he had to say.

"Well..." the manager looked sideways at the bursar, questioningly, "...theoretically it might be possible but we'd have to look into it before we could give you a definite answer. Advance offers of places have indeed been made in the past. But your girlfriend will need to attend an interview, at the very least. And probably meet the minimum admission standards."

Sendoh swallowed anxiously.

The scout gave him an encouraging smile. "Like I said, we want you on the team," he repeated. "If this is what it takes then… we'll certainly do what we can."

"Well then, uh, there's... one more thing..." Sendoh hazarded.

They looked back at him.

Sendoh shifted in his seat. "My… partner… plays basketball too. So I'd need them to join the team as well, you see."

"We don't have any direct control over the women's basketball team," the manager replied with a shrug. "If she's good we can try to negotiate with them but..."

"Ah no, you see, uh..." Sendoh flushed a little, "...actually we'd both be playing for the men's team."

There was a moment of protracted silence.

"But we don't have women on the men's team," the coach growled finally.

"Well, good, because – uh - he's not a girl," Sendoh managed an uncertain smile.

They stared at him.

He resisted the urge to fidget under the weight of their judgment. The fact was that apart from his sister - and Kaede of course - he'd never told anyone about this half of his sexuality. He liked to think he hadn't been hiding it purposefully, rather that the question had just never come up, but in reality he knew that wasn't really true. He could recall many moments when he'd outright lied to his teammates and his friends, in an effort to hide it.

And now he was telling these strangers. Not just any strangers, either. Ones who perhaps held his future in their hands.

In the past two interviews, everything had fallen apart at precisely this point. He watched now as the bursar wrinkled his nose like he'd just smelled something awful. The coach paled and scowled. The scout gave a visible frown. The manager, however, only tilted her head.

"Our team is one of the best in the country," she pointed out crisply. "I'm sorry but we can't induct team members who're not going to be able to keep up. Even if we were to make an accommodation on your behalf, if your partner is truly passionate about basketball then I can't imagine anything worse than having to sit out game after game on the bench. He would be better off going to a team that could use and nurture his talent. We simply can't offer support to players who aren't up to our standard. This sounds like a bad idea for everyone."

For a second, Sendoh could only stare at her in astonishment. She was... taking him seriously? Actually responding to his comment as if it were worthy of consideration?

The other three panellists looked at her askance.

Sendoh had to force himself to reply. "But what if – er – he was himself the incoming captain of a top national team?" he queried tentatively. "Uhm, theoretically speaking."

She leaned forward in interest. "Who is he?" she wanted to know.

Sendoh shook his head, his eyes taking in the other three. "I can't… tell you that. Not right now. I hope you understand that some schools can be a bit… hostile..." he thought back to his previous two interviews and bit back a sigh. "I can only discuss my own position with you. I wouldn't want to damage his chances of getting into this school later on his own merits."

"I… see," she pursed her lips. "I understand your position, but surely you understand too that that does make things difficult for us."

"I know..." Sendoh gave a sigh and a shrug. "But, for what it's worth..." he nodded to the papers in the coach's hands, "...I can as good as guarantee you've got his name on your list. He'll graduate next year. And you… you will want him. All I'm asking is that you… meet him and… if it's suitable then... reserve him a place a little earlier than usual."

The manager leant back and glanced over at the coach who stared back at her looking lost, apparently completely out of his depth. The bursar looked like he wanted to object but not being directly involved in the team couldn't override the manager.

"We want you on the team," the scout finally repeated for the third time, breaking the silence. "If you're saying that your partner is as good as you then… I can't see any obvious reasons to refuse to consider him."

Sendoh couldn't help the small smile of relief that touched the corner of his lips. "Oh… well..." he grinned. "I wouldn't exactly say that. He's exceptional, that's true. But I couldn't honestly say he's as good as me..." he gave an arrogant little shrug, "...no one is as good as me."

To his relief, they appeared amused.

"You're brave," the manager declared, scrutinising Sendoh thoughtfully. "Making demands like this. This could have gone badly for you. Why'd you risk it?"

"Honestly? Because I… want to play with him," Sendoh relaxed a little into the chair, feeling some of the nervous tension leaving him. They weren't rejecting him up front. He knew he couldn't ask for more than that. "I know I'm probably a little biased but really… it's not exactly because of our relationship that I want to go to the same school as him. I just want to be on the same team as him. Even if we weren't together… I think I'd still want that. The two of us..." he grinned a little to himself, "...we'll destroy every record this university has ever set."

The coach set his papers down upon the table with a loud rustle. "Is that right?" he said gruffly. "Then we'll just have to see what we can do." He rose to his feet, apparently suitably persuaded, and held out a hand which Sendoh quickly shook. "I like your confidence. But I'm going to hold you to that promise, young man. I'll expect nothing short of one hundred percent out of the pair of you."

"Yes, coach!" Sendoh beamed.


The formal letter detailing the offer and generous extent of the scholarship he'd been awarded arrived in the mail the following week, along with a letter and a blank application form for his "recommended candidate" to complete in respect of a "discretionary advanced application".

He kept the papers safely in his room and wondered what to do with them now.

Sendoh was not too sure how to raise the issue with Rukawa without making him mad. And he would be, Sendoh was almost sure, really mad. Firstly that Sendoh had gone ahead and revealed the natural of their relationship to the admission panels. Secondly that he'd completely blown two of the interviews by doing precisely that. Thirdly that he'd made such representations on Rukawa's behalf without actually consulting him first.

Yes, Sendoh was pretty confident Rukawa would initially be cross with him. He took another mouthful of beer and suppressed a sigh.

Ayano had organised a small gathering of the team that evening at home to celebrate their inter-high successes and his newly awarded scholarship to the university. And although she had invited Rukawa to join in, he hadn't come. But Sendoh was not surprised nor offended by that. It would have been unrealistic of him, he knew, to expect Rukawa to mingle with his teammates.

Still he sat there on the sofa wondering what he was going to say to him. How he could get him to agree to present himself to the university panel for an interview a year ahead of time. Would Rukawa consider it to be cheating? Would he feel like he wasn't being offered a place on his own merits? Would that… bother him?

But on the other hand, if Rukawa wasn't going to go to that university then… could Sendoh honestly say he wanted to go there? He wanted to play with Rukawa. That was the only thing he was sure of. He sighed a little to himself.

"Why do you look so down?" Koshino burst out, lifting a plastic cup half-filled with weak, warm beer. He swayed slightly where he sat on Sendoh's couch . "Ryonan!" he burst out. "Ryonan! Ryonan!"

The rest of the team eagerly took up the shout, their loud voices deafening in the small house. They were still riding ridiculously high on their fifth place win. Fifth in the country, Sendoh reminded himself, was really something to be proud of. He grinned at his friends and accepted another drink.

Everyone was crowded into the living room, there were bowls full of snacks and half-empty pizza boxes everywhere, plus the alcohol Ayano had turned a blind eye to had made more than one pair of cheeks a little flushed.

Aida had brought some sort of game console from his home, and the team were gathered around the TV to watch him play. It was a dating simulator, and pretty drawings of girls kept popping up and blushing at them. Fukuda, having had more to drink than most, kept making lewd comments about what he'd like to do to them all.

Koshino, still sitting beside Sendoh, looked into his face. "Are you okay?" he slurred.

"Yeah… yeah… uh..." Sendoh let out a hiccup, covered his mouth with his hand, and began to laugh. Koshino laughed with him. It was disproportionately funny.

"Wow!" Fukuda's exclamation cut across this thoughts. "Look at the lips on that one! I'd have her… and then… and afterward she'd still..."

The others descended into uproarious laughter at the ridiculousness of Fukuda's declarations.

"Shut up Fukuda you're as much a virgin as Hikoichi is."

"Hahahahaha!"

"Bet you've never so much as even kissed a girl!"

"Hey-!"

"What about you?" Koshino abruptly said, looking at Sendoh meaningfully. "What about that girl in class three?"

"What?" Sendoh asked distractedly, reaching for another slice of pizza.

"The competition is done now. She's had her eye on you for ages. Are you gonna celebrate a bit..?"

"Naw I'm… I mean… no, I don't think so..."

He chewed thoughtfully for a minute before he realised Koshino was still looking at him intensely. "What?"

"No?" Koshino demanded, surprised. "I was sure you'd be all over her by now."

Sendoh shrugged.

"Hey, is it true that you seeing someone?" one of the second years demanded abruptly.

"What? You never said anything!"

"Who is she?"

"Is she hot?"

"Is she from our school?"

"No way, she must be a college girl, right?"

"Are you like... official?"

"How far have you gone? First base?"

"All the way!"

They nudged each other and laughed and joked, but luckily didn't seem to require any answers. Sendoh only scratched his head sheepishly and grinned together with them.

He wondered what would happen if they knew the truth. Would they be supportive, or would they have a problem with it?

He could risk it, he thought to himself. He could tell them and hope that most of them wouldn't mind. But in reality he knew he couldn't say anything. Because even if he wanted to… Kaede wouldn't… Kaede would surely feel differently...

"Rukawa Kaede?"

At the sound of that name, Sendoh quickly looked up.

The words hadn't been addressed to him. Rather, one of the first years was looking out of the window down the path to the street.

"Isn't that…? Oh..."

"What?" Aida was immediately there, looking out as well. "Did you see something?"

"No I… I just thought I… never mind. Maybe I was imagining it."

The two of them continued to peer outside.

"There's no one there."

"Yeah… it was my imagination. I guess."

Sendoh frowned. Was it… just coincidence? He wouldn't… have come? Would he? No… Sendoh shook his head. Surely not.

The party continued on. Aida's game became too intricate to follow. They shared jokes and pizza and reminisced over all the times they'd shared on the team. A fair few eyes became unexpectedly weepy. They drunk more. They laughed more. They toasted each other's achievements and they drunk again. A couple of hours later and Koshino was overtly sobbing into his beer.

At that point it was past midnight and Ayano finally appeared from upstairs and told them it was time to call it a night. They tumbled out of the door, some more inebriated than others. Calling for taxis, giving pats on the back, and generally acting like a large number of slightly sloshed teenaged fools.

"I'll miss you..." Koshino was mumbling into Sendoh's shoulder as he hugged him and patted his back. "You're the best… the best captain that I ever..." he sniffled loudly, wiping his nose on Sendoh's shirt and causing him to grimace.

"I'll see you at school," Sendoh pointed out. "On Monday."

Koshino did not seem to hear him.

Aida managed to pull the vice-captain away and dragged him into a taxi. Sendoh waved fondly at them all as they left and the house behind him returned to quiet. Alone again, he pushed his hands deep into his pockets and sighed. The final taxi disappeared around a bend in the road. The night seemed eerie and quiet now that everyone was gone. A strange feeling of melancholy stole over him and he felt a little sad.

It was truly strange to think that his time on the team had come to an end.

He scuffed his shoes against the pavement and turned to make his way back inside. The bike leaning against the garden wall finally caught his eye. He stared at it uncomprehending for a moment.

Finally realising what it meant, he wrinkled his brow. He wandered curiously out the front gate, still in his slippers, and came around the side of the garden wall, to the corner where their mail box stood.

He found him sleeping there.

Rukawa was almost half lost in the darkness. He was sitting on his jacket that he'd folded on the ground, a small box of something tilted on his lap. His grip had loosened in sleep and the box was threatening to slide off his thighs. His head was leaning to the side against the brickwork. It did not look particularly comfortable, and the ground was chilly with damp.

Sendoh's eyes softened.

"Are you coming in?" he asked.

Rukawa stirred a little, and then slowly opened his eyes. He seemed momentarily lost, wondering where he was, until he saw Sendoh's shoes and looked up into his face.

He shook his head confusedly. "Are they gone?"

"Kaede… you didn't need to wait out here, you know? It's the middle of the night," he held out a hand to help him stand.

"I… know… I just..." he took Sendoh's hand and allowed himself to be gently pulled to his feet. "I didn't want to… interrupt."

That was hardly the reason and they both knew it. But Sendoh only smiled and put an arm gently around his shoulders. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Well I… uhm, wanted to say… congratulations."

He held out the box. It was a plastic container from his home containing small soft balls of sweet mochi.

"Home made?" Sendoh asked excitedly, lifted the box to eye level and looking inside. "These are my favourite!"

"I hope you… like them."

"Come in, come in. I'm… really glad you're here. There was something I wanted to ask you about."

Rukawa allowed Sendoh's large warm hands to steer him gently into the house.

It was warm inside. Rukawa eased his aching legs discretely. Sitting on the floor for hours had probably not been the best idea. But passing into this house always made him feel… warm. It was a place for a family. Sendoh was so informal, kicking his shoes into the corner without care, arguing with his sister, making messes.

But the place, the things, the objects, even the scuffs on the walls and Sendoh's untidy heap of trainers had become so familiar to his eyes.

Rukawa had come here numerous times over the past couple of months. Often he cooked dinner for the two siblings, putting the large kitchen to good use. He'd become familiar with the pots and pans, the wok with the loose handle, the cupboard that held the dishes and bowls. He'd even rearranged the condiments beside the stove to his own preference, knowing full well that Ayano rarely cooked and Akira could barely wash rice.

He knew all their favourite dishes now. He knew that the soy sauce was running low. He knew that the rice cooker had a faulty button.

He'd slept here a few times as well. Sharing the space in Akira's room. He knew where the sheets and mattress were stored. He'd figured out how to use the washing machine and had run cycles of laundry. He had showered in the small bathroom and shared Akira's shower gel that smelt like musk. He was familiar with the chip in the shower tile under the water heater. He had a travel toothbrush he kept in Akira's room.

And he could count the number of times he'd lain in the dark and felt Akira's hands upon him. His kisses. His touch, intimate and thrilling. How they'd had to keep quiet so Ayano wouldn't hear them. How he'd gazed up at the dark light fixture above him, finding it almost hard to believe that he was there and it was real, wrapping his arms around Akira's neck, crossing his ankles at his back, feeling Akira's skin slick with sweat, appreciating the strength and power of his arms, his back, and stifling his moans into Akira's chest.

How many times he'd slept like that. Naked and safe and cradled in Akira's arms.

This house. How strange. That it could have become such a place for him. Not so long ago, he recalled, it had been intimidating and strange. Now it was filled with… recollections of moments. Of feelings. Familiar things. Somewhere safe. Somewhere he was… allowed. Somewhere simply to... be.

"Kaede-kun~" Ayano saw him coming in the door with Akira. "You're here!" She was standing in the kitchen at the end of the hallway, leaning backwards to see him through the doorway, dressed in a bathrobe and taking a bite of a square of dried seaweed. She was obviously ready for bed.

"Aa..." he acknowledged softly. His eyes quietly looked to the side and took in the sorry state of the living room, the mess the party-goers had made. The empty cans of beer and soft drinks. Abandoned boxes of pizza and bowls with only the remanent crumbs of consumed snacks in the bottoms.

Sendoh tried to usher him towards the kitchen instead but Rukawa gave him a pointed look. "You need to clean it up or you'll attract bugs."

"Bugs?" Sendoh looked scandalised.

Rukawa rolled his eyes. "Yes. Cockroaches. Flies.."

"But can't we just wait until tomor-…?"

"No," Rukawa told him simply. He didn't wait for Sendoh's response but went to the kitchen. Sendoh trailed after him despondently. Under Ayano's amused stare he opened the cupboard under the sink to pull out the roll of large bin bags from where he knew they were kept and passed one to Sendoh. "We should sort it out now."

No one protested that it wasn't his house, his place, his job to be concerned over such things. He had become a part of the routine of the house in much the same way that the house had filled a page in his life.

"It's past midnight…" Sendoh tried to complain, although he did as he was told. He set the box of mochi untouched down on the kitchen table and followed Rukawa's instructions.

They worked together to finish the cleaning. Sendoh's eyes kept drifting to Rukawa as he bent and straightened and worked to sort out the mess his friends had made. A dazed smile kept winding it's way across his face. Rukawa's housekeeping habits always amused him; it always made him seem so much more an adult than Sendoh felt.

Then he remembered that he needed to talk to Rukawa about the university. He frowned, unable to think of a way to broach the subject. He threw some old napkins into the bin bag, thinking vaguely about how disgusting his teammates were for having left them on the sofa, and eventually decided he didn't need to rush. They didn't need to talk about it tonight. He could get Rukawa to stay over and then he would mention it at breakfast. And in between… they could… could…

...a devilish grin stole over his lips.

Once the last bag had been taken out the back door to the outside bin, Sendoh managed to catch Rukawa's arm in the hallway and backed him gently against the wall.

"Finished..?" he asked, a low note in his voice causing Rukawa to look up at him and take note of his expression.

"I… guess..."

"So we finally get to… celebrate now… right?" he pushed forward a little more, trapping Rukawa against the wall and grinning.

"Well I, um... sure..." Rukawa flushed a gentle pink so Sendoh knew he'd already worked out precisely what Sendoh wanted to do. Sendoh lifted a hand and brushed the pad of one thumb over Rukawa's lips. They felt soft like petals. He tipped forward to claim them.

"Can't you keep it to your room?" Ayano smirked as she brushed past them on her way up the stairs. She had a glass of water in one hand and a magazine under her arm. She hardly spared them a glance, but Rukawa immediately flushed red and Sendoh couldn't resist pushing forward to close the gap and catch his lips at that second. He looked so vulnerable and embarrassed he couldn't possibly resist.

He could feel Rukawa's uncertainty even though Ayano had already gone ahead, so he lifted his hands to gently cup his face, tracing his jawline and tilting his face upwards. Rukawa's fingers pressed into the wall at his back and his eyes slowly closed as he surrendered to Sendoh's possession.

It remained one of his favourite feelings. To be small. To be held. To be loved in this way. The world seemed to spiral away and become insignificant. His concerns, his embarrassment, his perpetual feelings of inadequacy, of awkwardness, of anxiety seemed so soothed and lifted by Sendoh's touch. As if Sendoh could wipe it all away and make him nothing and everything all at once. Freed of himself. And yet so very much accepted precisely for who and what he was.

There was nothing like this. For Rukawa Kaede, even the nights that they engaged in sex did not quite replicate this feeling. He gave willingly whatever Sendoh wanted of him, but in truth it was this that he desired for himself. The wall at his back and Sendoh's fingers holding his chin, and his mouth, hot and open and confessing time and again this strange, powerful feeling he had.

Though he rarely could find words to explain, it was when they were here, like this, that his body could speak honestly on his behalf.

He screwed his eyes closed tight and wished the world away.

A noise behind Sendoh was ignored. Ayano, they both presumed. Come back downstairs to get something she had inevitably forgotten. She was always forgetting things.

They ignored her.

Instead Rukawa whined softly as Sendoh's tongue slid over his teeth, pushing deeper, hot and full and causing his knees to buckle a little as if he would slide down the wall as the pleasure gathered rapidly in his chest, heating it's way down through his stomach, making him-

"Akira!"

Sendoh's eyes snapped open and he pulled away in astonishment leaving Rukawa rumpled and dazed against the wall. The pair of them turned their heads to see that the front door had opened, and two strangers Rukawa had never seen before were standing and gawking at them, obviously having just stumbled in upon the scene of Sendoh's tongue half-way down Rukawa's throat. They each had a suitcase and were looked completely scandalised.

"Mum?" Sendoh said in horror. "Dad?"

Rukawa did not know what to do. The sudden distance between the two of them was like a strange, disorientating interrupt.

Dumbly, he looked anxiously towards Sendoh for a cue, a way to work out what was going on, how he was meant to interpret this atmosphere. He instinctively sought the safety and acceptance Sendoh had always granted to him, but for the first time he found no reassurance. The look on Sendoh's face made it very clear that there was suddenly no safety at all.

The world came back to Rukawa in that moment. Huge and unkind and unpleasant. The rules he did not understand. The words he couldn't say. A world full of people who despised him.

Rukawa felt his breath freeze in his chest. He tried to breathe, but his lungs didn't seem to be working.

"What on earth are you..?" Sendoh's mother began, her eyes moving between the two of them in disbelief, "...what the hell is this?"

Breathe Rukawa tried to tell himself, closing his eyes, trying to concentrate on just taking a simple breath. Attempting to block everything out. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

"I… I..." Sendoh appeared completely at a loss for words.

Rukawa's fingers dug hard into the wall to try and stop them shaking. Adrenaline had flooded him and was making him dizzy. The world had begun to spin. It was all he could do to remain upright.

Ayano appeared from upstairs having heard the voices, coming down in a rush two steps at a time. "Oh…" she took in the scene in the hallway in dismay, realising what had happened, "...shit..."

"Who the hell are you?" Sendoh's father had turned on Rukawa. He was a tall man, as tall as his son, and although his face didn't seem the naturally aggressive type, he was clearly furious now. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

"What were you doing?" the mother demanded in an aggravated, high-pitched squark that scratched down Rukawa's psyche like nails. "He's… he's a boy!"

"Mum..." Sendoh's voice was half pleading, his eyes moving between them anxiously. "It's… it's not… just… hear me out... please..."

Sendoh's father moved aggressively towards Rukawa who took two nervous steps away, his mind suddenly filled with visions of his grandfather with a shoe in his hand, a newspaper, a stick, a belt. He still couldn't breathe. He stumbled awkwardly over Sendoh's shoes.

"Get out of my house," the man hissed with venom.

Sendoh tried to step between them, as if he could shield Rukawa from his father's wrath. "Hey-" he tried to protest, but his voice lacked its usual confidence. "Don't…"

His mother was still staring at them both in furious disbelief.

"I'll… I'll go..." Rukawa managed to gasp.

He pushed Sendoh aside and managed to stagger to the door. The woman moved swiftly out of his way as if he were infectious.

"If I ever see you here again, I'll call the police," the man snarled angrily after him.

Rukawa focused just on taking one step, and then another, making it out of the house somehow. His throat seemed to have closed, he felt like he was suffocating. Unsteady, he somehow lurched towards the bike he'd left leaning on the wall. His heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest. He gasped for air but could get nothing. His anxiety seemed to have set the whole world spinning. He was covered in cold sweat. What was this-? What was… what was he supposed to…?

He put his hand to his chest. There was no air left in him but it was impossible to draw breath, like someone was standing on his chest. He could feel his vision clouding, but he had to get out of there.

He managed to set his feet on the pedals. The bike tilted dangerously to the side but he somehow managed to right it.

Ayano appeared in the doorframe behind him. She called out to him but he couldn't hear her over the ringing in his ears.

He forced the pedals to turn. The sound of raised voices radiated from the house behind him. A ferocious argument rending the quiet of the midnight street. He cycled hard, the wind whipping his face, chasing away the last of the encircling warmth. The whole journey was spent fighting hard against the cold claws of panic that held him tight in their grip.


Ayano hovered around outside the living room listening to her parents' one-sided tirade. Akira sat dazed on the sofa and said nothing. They bombarded him with threats and lectures and warnings and lengthly explanations about betrayal.

He wasn't to see him again, they said. He wasn't to go anywhere near him. They'd call the school, they decided. They'd complain and have him expelled. Who was he? What class was he in? And for the last time, what on earth had Akira been thinking?

Akira sat and said nothing. Not because he could not answer their accusations, but because he could clearly see that anything he said would only add fuel to his parent's fire.

They were deaf to anything other than their own opinion.

The cruel things they said about Rukawa made him nearly bite off his tongue with the effort to hold back his retorts. He wanted to snap at them. He wanted to defend himself. Defend both of them. Yet he forced himself to lower his eyes and submit to listening to their outrage.

Finally, when the two of them left the room momentarily to relieve themselves after their long journey, Ayano took her chance and slipped in.

"Give me your phone," she demanded, holding out her hand.

Akira looked up at her, his eyes a little glazed. "What?"

"Your phone! I'll call him. To make sure he is okay..."

An anguished looked crossed Akira's face. "Oh right... Kaede..." He fished in his pocket and pulled out his phone. The charm that read "Truth" hung limp in his fingers. He started at it for a moment, feeling impossibly overwhelmed. How could he have let this happen? And Kaede... he couldn't even imagine how Kaede must be feeling.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely, holding out the phone. 'This… this is bad, isn't it?"

"It'll work out, Ototo," she took the phone from his hand and patted his shoulder. "Don't worry. They'll calm down by the morning."

"Yeah I... hope so..."

She slipped out with the phone in hand and ran upstairs.

Safe in her room, Ayano's fingers moved quickly over the screen, hunting for Rukawa's name. She found it and called out, pressing the phone to her ear anxiously. It rang four times before Rukawa picked it up.

"...Akira?"

His voice sounded small, like a wisp of air.

"Uhm no… Kaede-kun it's me, Ayano. I'm just calling to check that you're… okay."

There was a long moment of silence.

"I'm fine," he said eventually, though his voice seemed a little unsteady.

Ayano frowned deeply. "Are… are you sure? Akira will call you as soon as he can. He's just… he's just talking to..." she trailed off. "Are you really all right?"

"I'm fine," he repeated, "...thank you," he added uncertainly.

"Kaede, you know, if you want, I could-" she began, but the words died in her throat as the line went dead. She brought the phone away from her ear to stare down at it.

Did he hang up?

She pressed redial, but this time there was no answer. She tried again. Then again. And again. "Shit… shit… shit..." she muttered to herself.

Finally she ran back downstairs. Her parents were back in the living room. Her father was pacing back and forth, still ranting about the family name, honour, and how Akira was going to ruin his whole life. Her mother was twisting her hands around and around in agitation, her eyes red from crying. Akira was sitting on the sofa with a face like stone.

Desperate to attract his attention, Ayano feigned a coughing fit beside the door. When Akira met her eyes she lifted her eyebrows meaningfully.

Akira slowly rose to his feet.

"Where do you think you're going?" his father snapped. "I'm not done talking to you yet!"

"Bathroom," Akira told him blankly and walked out.

Ayano seized his arm at once and pulled him down to speak into his ear. "I can't get through to him anymore," she whispered anxiously. "He's not picking up. He answered at first because he thought it was you. He said he was fine but… I don't know Akira..." she wrung her hands in agitation. "You know what he's like. It's so hard to tell what he's thinking. Do you think he's okay?"

Akira looked at the floor and shook his head. "No. He's not okay."

"You need to go and find him!"

He ran his hands through his hair in agitation. "What about mum and dad? If I leave now they might... I don't know... what if they really go and call the police or something?"

She shook her head determinedly. "Forget them. This is more important. What if… what if he gets hurt? He's alone, Akira!"

"I know." His shoulders slumped. Ayano felt a sting in her heart to see him looking so completely lost. "...I know. You're right, but..."

She shook him by the shoulders. "Go! I'll… I'll talk to them. I'll try to make them understand..." she sighed, "...somehow."


The doorbell rang.

Rukawa ignored it at first.

It soon rang again.

Very slowly he managed to move. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat dazedly upright. The lights were all on. He was fully dressed. A glance at his clock showed that it was nearly four in the morning.

He considered the door numbly from where he was sitting. A white square. Plain. Neither familiar nor comforting. Just... there. There was a bad taste in his mouth. His eyes still stung. The bell rang a third time while he looked at it.

He dragged himself to the door and opened it a crack to peer outside, half expecting to see the flashing lights of a police vehicle.

Only Sendoh stood there in the darkness, his hands deep in his pockets, and dark rings under his eyes. He looked, Rukawa noticed, pretty awful.

"Can I... come in?" he asked tiredly.

Rukawa nodded mutely and silently opened the door wide for him.

Sendoh moved inside, his feet a little heavy, and stopped in the centre of the tiny space of Rukawa's flat, between the bed and the kitchen units. Rukawa shut the door quietly and waited. The air was strange and tense.

Sendoh's eyes wandered over the window, the sofa, the plants that grew. Everything tidy. Everything in its place. Privacy and independence. Maturity. Freedom. Sure, there were positive things to be said for the life Rukawa had managed to make for himself. But the cost was clear. You could taste it in the air of this blank, soulless space.

Loneliness.

So absolute it was almost unbearable.

The simple whiteness, rendered stark in the harsh light. Rukawa swallowed, and the noise filled the space.

"I… uhm..." Sendoh tried to begin but couldn't seem to find any words. His shoulders slumped in tired exhaustion. "It's been… quite a night, huh."

Rukawa didn't respond. He moved away from the door and edged around Sendoh, keeping his distance, careful not to brush against him. He went towards the window and perched on the edge of the small sofa and waited.

Sendoh looked at him unhappily. "Funny, isn't it? To think I was... supposed to be celebrating," he tried to lighten his voice, but failed.

Rukawa took a breath and then looked up at him. Something in his eyes resolved. "Akira, do you ever think we might be... wrong? That maybe we… shouldn't… do this?"

Sendoh could only gaze at him dismayed. "Kaede..." he began, a note of pleading in his voice, but Rukawa shook his head.

"You... you're not... like me," he pointed out. "You could... you know... have a girlfriend. Be... normal. It would be easier, right? You wouldn't need to argue with your parents. Perhaps it's better if..." he dropped his eyes, "...what I mean is... family is... important." He twisted his fingers together. "I... I lost my family, Akira," his voice dropped to a whisper, "Don't lose yours."

Sendoh stared at him. Rukawa kept his eyes fixed on the floor resolutely.

Finally Sendoh let out a sigh and put his fingers to his temples. The stress in his posture was obvious. "Listen, Kaede. I know what you're saying. I think I know how you feel. But you're wrong about something. This isn't about you and me. Our relationship. The whole... gay thing." He moved his hand and pressed it to the front of his own shirt. "This is... who I am. I've always known that one day I'd have to have this conversation with my parents. And I've always known that it would be hard. This is something I was always going to have to deal with, sooner or later."

"But you… don't need to..."

Sendoh stepped closer and interrupted him.

"Kaede, it doesn't matter whether I'm with you or... someone else or... even with some girl... it doesn't change who I am. I don't get to choose, Kaede. Being bi isn't a free pass to pick whether to be straight or gay. You say I could just be with a girl instead, but then by the same logic, so could you. But you know it doesn't work like that. I can't choose to stop feeling attracted to men any more than you can. I can't control who I fall in love with."

Kaede glanced up at him uncertainly.

Sendoh scratched the back of his head in agitation. "So, I mean yes. Yes, you're right. Perhaps if I was with a girl I could have an easier time of it. Perhaps I could even hide it forever. But you... you... I mean, Kaede, come on. You're... you're so perfect for me. What I feel for you is so real. I'd be a fool to give up on something as precious as this just to avoid something so mundane and insignificant as an argument with my parents."

He moved forwards then, and squeezed himself into the small space left on the sofa that was not quite big enough for them both. In doing so he pressed close to Rukawa, and at once the pleasant wave of human warmth passed into his body, calming him a little. This contact was the comfort that he was craving, making him a little less anxious, and a little more safe. He turned in his seat, noticing how his thigh pressed Kaede's thigh. He wanted desperately to embrace him but wasn't sure he could.

"I'm so sorry that you had to be in the middle of all that," he said. "I know it must have hurt you. I never wanted you to be hurt, Kaede please, I'm sorry."

Rukawa blinked at him. He shook his head. "You... don't need to apologise. It... wasn't your fault."

But he was right, Rukawa reflected miserably. It had hurt. Really. More than he'd ever expected it could; to be barred from that house that had become so important to him. Kicked out like some sort of parasite. An unwelcome infestation. But it wasn't as if he hadn't felt it before. He'd had a lifetime to get used to that feeling under his grandfather's tutelage, after all.

Sendoh cupped his face gently in one large hand and brought their foreheads together softly, eager to take more comfort from the closeness of his body.

"Please..." Sendoh repeated, drawing closer, "...don't let go of me just because of this. I know my parents seem unreasonable right now but we'll get through this. I won't give up. I… you… you're everything to me, please… Kaede believe me..."

Rukawa gazed anxiously into his face. He'd never seen Sendoh look so shaken. He was, Rukawa realised, confused and lost, perhaps even afraid. And yet he was there, comforting Rukawa, when really it should have been the other way around.

Rukawa lifted his hands, mirroring Sendoh's action and caressing his face tenderly. Sendoh's skin surprised him with it's softness. When Sendoh met his eyes with a look of sheer exhaustion, Rukawa closed the gap and kissed his lips, trying his best to reassure him. He could almost feel the tension physically rolling out of Sendoh's body as he allowed Rukawa's touch to sooth him softly. He watched how Sendoh's eyes slowly closed, savouring his closeness tiredly.

Rukawa began to realise that Sendoh had walked out of one argument and into another, and began to feel increasingly guilty. He ought, he realised, to have been more supportive of Sendoh in this difficult moment, rather than being so consumed with his own feelings of hurt and rejection. He ought to have remembered that Sendoh was hurt by this just as much as he was. Perhaps more so. He couldn't begin to even imagine what it would be like to argue with parents over such a thing.

The pain Rukawa felt was his own fault, he recalled, for having allowed himself to become so used and so comfortable with Sendoh, his home, the very idea of... family. Of not being alone. It was his fault for forgetting that it was always only temporary. Only illusion.

"I'm sorry, I was selfish..." Rukawa began to mutter anxiously but Sendoh cut him off with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

"No, you were hurt, that's all. Are you... okay?"

Rukawa nodded mutely.

"I'm... so glad..." Sendoh cracked a weak smile. His hands tightened their hold for a moment as he took a breath as if he could breathe Rukawa in. Rukawa held him silently, sliding his arms around his neck and running his palms flat over the expanse of his back. He could feel Sendoh leaning into him, needing him. He held him tighter in response. They remained still for a long while, their eyes closed, only sharing warmth.

Eventually it was Sendoh who gently parted from him. He gazed tiredly into Rukawa's face and smiled weakly.

"Do you want some water?" he asked, getting up and taking the three small steps to Rukawa's kitchen.

"Oh...!" Rukawa quickly rose from his seat to follow him. He always forgot about these kind of things. He should have offered Sendoh a drink earlier he realised, and not forced him to have to ask. But Sendoh was already hunting around for the cups.

"Maybe… but uh… how about something a little stronger?" Rukawa asked, coming forwards to open a kitchen cupboard.

From a high shelf he reached for two small glass bottles and brought them down.

"Sake?" Sendoh questioned, seeing the alcoholic drink and tilting his head. "I didn't know you drank that sort of thing..."

"Actually I bought them… a long time ago..." Rukawa found two small cups to pour the liquor into. "When we were going to the hanami but then it... didn't work out. I wanted to share it with you then but… uh..."

A weak smile brightened Sendoh's face a little. "Yeah I... remember that. Ayano had that accident and then I... well, nevermind that, let's share it now instead..." he rubbed his hands over his face as if doing so could erase the stress of the past couple of hours. It didn't work particularly well. Still, he went to pull the blanket from Rukawa's bed to spread on the floor near the television. "Let's... pretend," he decided, "Like we're viewing the blossoms together..." he gestured Rukawa to come closer and sit on his make-shift picnic blanket in front of the shelves of plants, where the few remaining flowers of the year were slowly dying back.

Uncertainly, Rukawa came to sit beside him on the quilt and passed an empty cup to him. Then, as Sendoh watched him, he bent his head and carefully began to pour the clear liquor.

When their cups were full, Sendoh smiled a little wistfully, his eyes on the leafy plants. "To small set backs," he said quietly. "And to overcoming them."

Rukawa gazed into his cup thoughtfully. "Small set backs," he agreed.

They both drank in small sips, the strong alcohol burning pleasantly in their throats, their eyes upon one another.

Rukawa silently refilled the cups. "Congratulations," he said, lowering his eyes shyly, "...uhm, on your scholarship."

"Oh..." Sendoh's face suddenly changed with realisation. "That…. I was supposed to talk to you about that…"

Rukawa glanced back up at him curiously.

Sendoh tried to compose himself a little more. "Kaede… what would you say about going to the same university as me?"

Rukawa tilted his head in genuine confusion at this seemingly abrupt change in topic.

"You said before that you liked that place, right?" Sendoh continued quickly, "If they offered to interview you for a place, would you go?"

"I... guess... but there's still... another year before I…"

Sendoh quickly set the cup of liquor aside and reached across to seize his hands. "What if they wanted to reserve you a place ahead of time? Interviewed you earlier. This year, instead of next?"

"Uhm... okay but... why would they... do that?"

"Well actually I... asked them to," Sendoh confessed. "You see I... I know I'm not very certain about a great many things and I'm not really one to make plans but... about this... you... I…"

Rukawa's eyes widened.

Sendoh shook his head as if he could shake his thoughts into coherency. "...Kaede, I'm sure about this. I want to be near you. I want to be with you. I really want to play on the same team as you. So I... I just... I want..." he trailed off a little nervously.

There was a long moment of silence in which Rukawa stared at him in confusion. Eventually, however, his expression softened into something more like fondness.

"Is that right?" Rukawa asked and Sendoh found himself swimming dazedly in the reflection of his eyes.

Sendoh nodded. "What do you say..?" he whispered hopefully, feeling hypnotised by the look in Rukawa's eyes, feeling himself pulled closer and closer. He could not resist lifting his hands, moving to touch his shoulder, to brush his fingers gently through his hair.

"I... don't mind but... what about your parents?"

"I'll... just tell them the truth."

"What is the truth?"

"This." Sendoh gestured to the two of them. "This is the truth."

Rukawa looked uncertain. "Will it really... be okay?"

Sendoh leaned in and pressed their lips together tenderly. Rukawa watched him through half-lowered lashes. He felt Sendoh's hand move to gently hold the back of his neck, running his fingers possessively though the strands of his hair, tilting his head to kiss him deeper.

"I don't want to hide this, Kaede," Sendoh murmured against his lips, sweetened with the liquor. "I don't want to have to lie about our relationship."

Rukawa's fingers found their way to Sendoh's shirt and clutched at it to hold him close, "...okay," he murmured back.

Sendoh pulled away. "Okay?" he echoed, not sure he'd understood.

Rukawa gazed steadily back at him. "I'll go to the interview," he explained. "And I... I don't mind if... if you want to..." he gestured vaguely.

"Really?" Sendoh stared at him intensely. "You mean I can tell people about us?"

Rukawa nodded silently.

"How... how come...?" Sendoh wondered in surprise. "I was sure you wouldn't want people to know."

Rukawa gave a shake of his head. "I think I... I need to be more... supportive of you. Of... us. And this way, if we are more open then... perhaps... perhaps it will help your parents to... see that this is... not something... bad. That this is something... real. Something that we don't need to hide."

Sendoh's smile broadened. "I think you're right," he agreed. He silently held out his cup and Rukawa carefully refilled it for the third time.

"The truth?" Sendoh suggested, lifting his cup and gazing into its shallow depths.

Rukawa nodded resolutely. "The truth."

They drank.

This time, before Rukawa had barely had a chance to swallow, Sendoh was at his lips again, too eager to wait, tipping him down against the sheets, his fingers already hooking the hem of Rukawa's clothing.

"Kaede," he asked anxiously. "May I...? I... want to…"

There was a fervor about him that Rukawa had never seen before. The way he moved. The feel of his hands. The weight of his body. It was faster and rougher than usual. But Rukawa found he did not dislike it. His own hands reached out and clenched tight in Akira's hair, dragging him down hard against his mouth, crushing them together.

"Yes," he answered as they broke apart, tilting his head back and feeling Sendoh's hot mouth on his throat. "Please…"

The feeling rushed through him, stronger than ever before. Sendoh had always been loving and gentle with him. Concerned more, perhaps, with Rukawa's pleasure rather than his own. But this... this was different. Ferocious. Passionate. The fact that Sendoh could need him this way, in this moment, when he was hurt and struggling, was more powerful than Rukawa could have realised. Needed him. Him. He who had never before even attempted to comfort someone before this evening. Who never knew what to say. What to do. Who had never understood the leanings of his own heart never mind that of others. That such a man as this could really... truly... need him... would lean against him when he was weak... it was just too much to contain.

For the first time, he realised, he really truly believed it. That this was real.

So despite the circumstances, their hurt and their fears and their shared anxieties about tomorrow, Rukawa squeezed his eyes closed tight and felt like his heart was so full he could cry.

-tbc


ANs: just one more chapter to go! Can you believe it?