Day 53-
We started out walking even more. Komaeda has decided to disregard my little breakdown, which is awfully kind of him. I think the wasteland is starting to get to him too. I wonder if he'll have a breakdown too at some point... I sure hope not, he's my only source of hope at this point. To see him like that... well, what would I have left? I'd probably lose it too. Then what would we do...?
I just have to hope that never happens. It's all I can do at this point. Despite such a huge area I'm trapped in, I feel so buckled down and restricted. It ironically makes me feel claustrophobic, not in a physical sense but… in an action never really has been much I can do, besides just hope.
We still haven't found anything new, though, as always. Are we really still moving in the right direction? I assumed any direction would be the right direction so long as it's away from where we started. But there's a chance that maybe we should have gone West or something. Maybe we should have followed the chasm, to see where it ends up. Regardless, I wish something new would turn up. Komaeda looks restless too. I wish we could find something... something to bring a smile back to his face. Something to stop him before it's too late, stop him before he ends up like me.
Day 54-
Well, we found something. It's the grass again. It makes me feel both a bit better, but also like we're going in circles. Komaeda offered that there can always be multiple patches of grass. He has his smile back. This makes me feel a little better in turn. Besides, now that we know we're heading in a straight direction, we couldn't be going in circles anymore. The compass is so amazing.
Komaeda likes the grass. I keep catching him weaving his hands through it. It's the tall grass too, that reaches to our knees and tickles. We plan to spend the rest of the day making beds out of the grass. This will potentially end up being the best sleep I'll have had in awhile, and that goes for us both...
We finished the beds. Mine was looking a little bigger than Komaeda's pile, so I helped him a little. His hands are shaky, and it seems like any movement he does with them is slow and almost unsure. I didn't know whether it'd be impolite to ask, but since there's nothing else to do I did it. He's not too sure about it either. He says it feels like everything he does physically almost hurts him emotionally instead, and he doesn't even know why. Just like me, everything he does makes him extremely tired too, but I've forgotten about it. I don't know how it feels not to be exhausted anymore.
A lot of things I do, whether it's walking, ripping grass from the ground and arranging it, or even shuffling over while lying down hurts physically for me, which makes sense as they're physical tasks. Komaeda doesn't seem to have this nearly as much, as it's more of a strain on him emotionally. He seems sort of awkward about talking about it, but I don't blame him, I mean, who wants to talk to a random stranger you met in this shithole of a land about personal things like your emotions? That's only something you'd relay to a close friend you've known for years, or at least I'd think so. I synthesize completely, and probably would be hesitant about it too, if I really felt anything anymore.
I don't want to pry him for it, I mean it's his personal matters, but I sort of ask now and then what kind of things he feels. It probably is better to talk about it instead of holding it in. Plus, I'll take any chance I can to talk to Komaeda, and he seems to second that opinion. Just talking to him feels a lot better than anything else has done to improve my mood. There's a lot I still don't know about him, as there's only so much we can share when we don't know much about ourselves to begin with, but he seems a lot like me. Maybe, in another life, in a normal, rational situation instead of this unending hell, we could have been good friends.
Komaeda told me how he's been feeling. He's even allowed me to write about it in this book. He trusts me a lot, and honestly I don't know why he does so feely. If I was in his situation, the person in mine would be incredibly suspicious to me. That frightens me, as I have no way to prove I'm not responsible for this situation. That's why it's a huge, huge honor that he could trust me like this. It means a lot to know that he feels he can trust me to this extent, if even at all in the first place.
He tells me he feels there's always something nagging on his mind, but it gets worse with the more physical effort he exerts. He says it's mostly depression, and that he claims to feel like he's ignoring some sort of elephant in the room, like he feels there's something he wants to do so badly but has no control of, and it drags him down. It appears to be more than just the desire to leave this forsaken fucking land. He added that just recently, he feels like there's something he's forgetting, or someone. I asked if it was a girlfriend or something, but he got really awkward and muttered something about not really feeling anything like that towards a girl… oh shit, I didn't think much of it when I heard him say it, but… did he mean he never liked a girl before, or… that he's more inclined towards… guys? Err, uh, not that there's anything wrong with that, of course-! To each their own…! I mean... if I were to guess… um… he seems kind of like the type of guy to… be into that kind of thing too..:
Wait- What if the reason he trusts me so willingly is…!
Ah shit, no, I can't make assumptions without evidence. And besides, of course that's not the case, of course he wouldn't… think...
Even if it's embarrassing, I have to admire the fact that this topic has made me feel an emotion again. But even so… maybe I spoke too soon, and it was better off before when I couldn't feel much of anything… but to think, there's a chance that Komaeda…
Aw fuck. This is so awkward. I really can't let him read this journal ever again.
Day 55-
I was right, I had an actually incredible sleep for once. I feel fantastic, if still exhausted. I don't believe anything could take that away instead of leaving this shithole. I feel better that I have for awhile however, so it's a start. Komaeda says he feels the same way.
We feel fit to walk, so we're walking. To save efforts later we decided to grab our little clumps of grass nests, but I've lost a lot of the grass since I started walking.
I had another dream last night. I just remember me and Komaeda walking through a field like this one, only the grass was a lot unreasonably taller, like over our heads. Then, a hole opened in the sky, and it was beautiful. There was a sane, normal sky, a bright lovely blue with clouds, in the hole, instead of this horrible grey. A person looked down on us, and I forget what they look like mostly, but they had pretty distinct pink hair. They threw a rope down for us, and we climbed out. Then we were back in our normal world, there was green grass instead of this gross beige grass, and there was a vivid blue sea and sky, and there were forests and everything. It was beautiful. And uh, then…
Um… I know this is my personal journal and I should write everything I'm experiencing, but… I dunno, it's a little awkward to say it. I obviously didn't tell Komaeda the next part of my dream, but I guess he's not gonna see this part of the journal already, so uh… I dunno, I guess in the dream, er… I ended up being so happy about leaving that, well… it resulted in me and Komaeda, uh, kissing. Hey- I don't choose what I dream about-!
Regardless, I'd rather not go into it too much. There are other topics to discuss.
See, me and Komaeda were on a break from walking. We were discussing all the things kind of weird about this world and trying to find explanations for them, and one of them we reached was that how it's been so long now, and neither of us has had any feelings of starvation. Granted, some Kusamochi sounds unbelievably fantastic, and makes my mouth water a little, but I can live without eating, and the past 55 days of no eating proves that.
So, naturally Komaeda did something I didn't admittedly think of. He tried eating. He just flat-out scooped up some grass, and nibbled on it. He said it didn't taste very good, and honestly the taste of ashy nothingness from before was a better taste. I sadly believe him. He sat for awhile mushing up the dull faded grass in his maw, not without an amusing look of disdain. He cringed a tad, then swallowed the mush successfully. He shivered the whole process with discomfort, and said he could feel it sliding down his throat slimily the whole time. But he was still interested in doing this completely, and downed another few mouthfuls, not without a similar, if not worse, reaction.
He looks sickly. We've yet to know whether that's what happens if we eat, or if we eat grass specifically. It was kind of funny, to be fair, but I made the mistake of giggling a little. Then he had a sly smile and said for a control group of this experiment, I should down some grass myself. Eugh, I don't want to… but I can't come up with a better argument after he says it may affect him and me differently.
I don't even know what we're testing for. Are we seeing if we'll feel sick from it? If we feel slightly better once it's digesting in our systems? Or, uh… if we end up even passing it? He shrugged and said why not all the above. That's not very helpful. Nonetheless, I was lead to eat the grass. I guess I should get started on getting this stuff inside my stomach.
...
Komaeda under-reacted, the grass was even worse than he made it out to be. God damn, I wanted to spit it on the floor and wring my tongue out. Horrible stuff. He seemed to enjoy my own suffering as I endured the taste, and felt the cold wet lump of slime slither deep down my gullet in the worst way imaginable. At least it's all over once it gets inside my stomach. The taste doesn't linger in your mouth, so that's at least one plus, if you're optimistic. But I still wouldn't recommend going several weeks without tasting something, then putting something right into your mouth so horribly, sharply bitter you could nearly swear it was severing your tongue off if it wasn't for the lack of blood. I almost even wish that it did, at very least the blood would cover the taste a little.
We're heading for sleep now, and I've been poking at my thin belly. I don't feel much different now that there's something in it. Let's just hope the grass isn't poisonous, ugh...
