Chapter Ten. Prisoner Relief
I have three words for you: Crazy, Weird, and Random.
Lenora ran through a sunflower garden that was full of dead rubber chickens that were lying around. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!" she was screaming, "It's too bright! It's too bright! IT'S TOO BRIGHT!!!" Suddenly Ilyana popped out of the ground nearby.
"You know, I can eat them all for you. I can lick my elbow." she said in her soft, hissy voice.
"Never! I will never trust an enemy!" Lenora replied, and so she continued to run as fast as she could. The garden's perimeter was about the size of a castle, so it took a while for her to reach the exit.
When she did, Soren was out there waiting for her and saying, "I can fly, but you should have trusted Ilyana."
"Hell, no! I hate that fucker's guts!"
"But here it doesn't matter."
"Why not?"
"Because Lethe said so."
"And why would someone like you pay attention to Lethe?"
"I felt like it."
"Stop talking bullshit!"
"No, you stop talking bullshit!"
"Why don't you wake up already!!!" screamed Mia's voice, but Lenora couldn't see Mia anywhere.
"Whoa! Did you hear that?" she exclaimed.
"Yes," replied Soren, "it's the apostle of Begnion I believe."
"What?!"
"Lenora!!! Wake up already!" Mia's voice sounded again.
"Where is the apostle?" Lenora asked Soren.
"She's in the sky." So Lenora looked up, but she didn't see anyone.
"No, she's not."
"Well, just go live in a cave."
"What the crap?"
"WAKE UP!!!" Mia screamed. Lenora jolted up out of bed. She was no longer in a field next to the giant garden of sunflowers and rubber chickens, but was suddenly in her room in Gallia Castle. Instead of standing in front of Soren she was sitting on her bed in front of Mia. She then realized that she had been dreaming.
"What is it, Mia?" she asked.
"Finally! I've been trying to wake you up for a while! Dear Ashera you're bad in the mornings!"
"Oh, sorry. Are we leaving today, or what?"
"Yeah. Titania just told me that we have to sneak back to Crimea to find a ship that will take us to Begnion. You see, we're going to need their help to defeat Daein because Gallia's elders won't approve of lending help to Crimea. At least not yet."
"Well, that's a nice way to help an ally."
"Yeah, well, hurry up and get ready because we're leaving in an hour."
"Okay, then."
Soon, the mercenaries were all gathered at the entrance of Gallia Castle. Ike took roll and then he yelled, "Okay, Greil Mercenaries! Move out!" After a few hours of traveling, the group came to a castle. Lenora heard Ike, Ranulf, and Elincia discussing it and so she knew why Ike was leading everyone into the castle's dungeons.
"The question now is how do you open these cells and free the prisoners?" said Ranulf when everyone was inside.
"The cells are certain to be locked, so in order to open them-"
"Logic would dictate that the keys will be in possession of the jailer. We've no choice but to steal them. If-"
"Oh, no you don't!" Ike cut Soren off.
"Excuse me?" replied Soren in a snobby voice.
"I'm not letting you give me seizure with an overly long explanation! I already know that we have to steal the keys!"
"Hey! You there!" Ranulf yelled at some strange shady-looking guy who was approaching them.
"I have business with Sir Greil. Where is he?" the stranger demanded.
"You're sorely lacking in social etiquette, aren't you? State your business." Soren ordered him.
"I'll speak with Sir Greil and Sir Greil alone. Now take me to him." the man insisted.
"What you ask is impossible. Commander Greil is dead." Titania said to him.
"Well. That is a problem." the man replied.
"Just who are you, anyway?" Titania asked.
"Call me Volke. Sir Greil hired me. I'm in…intelligence."
"My father hired you?"
"You are Sir Greil's son, correct? You'll do. Sir Greil hired me to investigate something. You pay my price, and I'll give you my report. Deal?"
"How
much?"
"Fifty thousand gold."
"OH MY GODDESS!!!!!"
Ike screamed.
"And worth every penny." Volke replied.
"I
don't have that much… Give me some time."
"So, you're
willing to pay?"
"My father hired you. So according to my calculations he must have had a good reason." Ike replied, trying to act like a smart-ass.
"Are you sure, Commander? We have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth." Titania warned him.
"We'll know when we see the contents of that report. Until then, let's have him travel with us."
"I'm not waiting for that long! Look, just call me when you've got the gold. You should be able to find me in pretty much any tavern."
"Hold a moment!" Soren grabbed Volke's shoulder as he tried to leave, "Intelligence… You said you were in intelligence, right? Is information the only thing you sell?"
"Come out with it. What are you asking?"
"I would like to know if you were selling any rubber chickens, and if you can open locks." Soren replied.
Volke raised his eyebrow, "I can open locks for fifty gold per lock, but what is a rubber chicken?"
"Nevermind."
"Soren, you're going to have him open the cell doors?" Ike dumbly asked him.
"Is that wise?" Titania was still suspicious, "We've only just met him. There's no telling if we can trust him."
"…Volke, will you help us break into these cells?" Ike begged Volke with puppy eyes.
"Ah! Don't do that, you creep! But as long as I get paid to unlock the doors, I've no complaint."
"Righto! I'm off to see the wizard!"
"What?! Hey wait, Ranulf! What the crap are you talking about?!" Ike exclaimed.
"The wonderful wizard of Oz is who I need to talk to! I was told to lead you all here and then I would go and speak with the wizard of Oz!" Ranulf replied.
"Hmm… Okay! Well, good luck to you then."
"Yes, and to you as well!" and so then Ranulf scampered away.
"Well then… We all need to sneak through the place so that the enemy doesn't call reinforcements."
"What the crap is that noise?" Lenora asked.
"Yeah, what is that?" Mia wondered.
"It sounds creepy!" cried Rolf.
"Don't worry Rolf, I'll protect you!" Boyd gloated.
"I wish Frederick were here. This agonized laughter sounds scary!" Ike uttered.
"Ike, do you have any idea what that is? After all you are the expert on monsters." said Mist.
"I really have no idea what monster this thing is." Ike replied.
"I can go and check it out if you like. After all, I'm very stealthy." boasted Volke.
"And I can kill anything in heartbeat." said Titania.
"And don't forget my awesome magic!" exclaimed Lenora.
"Mordecai and I are both very strong. Send us as well." said Lethe.
"Okay! You all go, then!" replied Ike.
"Follow me, everyone," whispered Volke, "be very quiet. We're going mysterious sound hunting." And then he began to tip-toe along the stone ground. The exploring party then came to a cell were a bishop with long black hair was being tickled with a feather by a Daein soldier.
"Tell me who you work for!" the guard demanded.
"AH-HA-HA-HA! I'm-AH-HA-not-AH-HA-gonna-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAA-tell ya-AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAOHDEARASHERASAVEMEAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!"
"Oh my gosh, this is brutal!" exclaimed Titania.
"We must save this guy!" Mordecai agreed.
"Let's pick the lock of the door then. Well Volke, this is a job for you." said Lenora.
"Right, then." replied Volke as he picked the lock. He then put a dagger to the guard's throat. "Say a word and I'll slit your throat open." he coolly threatened.
"I'll play dead and not make any movements." the soldier replied.
"Sorry, I'm not going to fall for that." said Volke as he slashed the Daein soldier's neck, making blood squirt everywhere. "Well, he's dead now."
"Thank you very much for saving me from that vile torture. However, I'm a little upset that you got my robe stained with a bit of that man's blood as well." the snobby healer complained to his rescuers.
"Oh shut-up, why don't you?" said Lenora. Titania had gone back to tell Ike and the others what happened and so they soon joined them.
"Hey bishop, you should escape while we save the rest of the prisoners." Ike told him.
"Well… Okay then…" the bishop replied, but he just started staring at the wall.
Ike shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, let's continue searching."
Just then a Daein soldier saw them and was yelling, "Gwaah! Enemy soldiers!"
"Oh, crap!" yelled Ike, "Mia, Mordecai, Marcia, and Boyd, I'm trusting you to protect Mist and Rhys!" Soon the dungeon had a bunch of Daein soldiers running in the direction of the mercenaries. The mercenaries that weren't protecting the two healers ran wild and started battling the Daein sods.
Not many enemies were able to get to the healers and the ones guarding them; so Boyd, Mordecai, Mist, and Rhys had to listen to Mia and Marcia insulting each other: "Stupid pink-haired preppy bitch!"
"Stupid bitch who follows the stupid boat-monkey around! And she's a creepy spirit-charmer, too!"
"At least she isn't girly or a motherfucker who tricks people into exhausting the shit out of themselves all for nothing!"
"Well at least I'm not a boat-monkey's groveler!"
"What did you say, you shit-headed motherfucker pink poppet Barbie girl?!"
"You-um-uh-you-uh…"
"Ha! You can't think of anything! You can't even insult me because there's nothing bad or stupid about me!" Just then a Daein soldier charged at them.
"Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhhhh!!! Glory to Daein!!!" he shouted.
"I'll kill him!" declared Mia.
"No, I'll kill him!"
"No, I'll kill him!"
"No, I WILL!!!"
"No, he's MY KILL!!!"
"CLEAVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Roared Mist.
"Shut-up Mist, you moron, you!" Ike, who was nearby, yelled at her. Mist just stuck her tongue out at him. The Daein soldier stupidly stood there and watched to Mia, Marcia, Ike, and Mist argue. Boyd got annoyed (hey, that rhymes!) at the idle enemy so he went over and chopped off his head. Mia and Marcia stopped yelling, looked at the dead Daein soldier, looked at Boyd, and then they both spazzed out and charged at him.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!" Marcia shouted.
"YOU SHIT-HEAD!!!!!!!!" Mia thundered.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Boyd screamed bloody murder as the two berserk girls dropped their weapons and chased after him trying to beat him to a bloody pulp. They ran around the dungeon and brought insanity wherever they went. Ike panicked and started tap-dancing which made the Daein soldiers die, Lenora started cursing in French, German, Spanish, Danish, Indian, Brazilian, Norwegian, English, Gaelic, and Antarctic, Soren started singing about yellow puppies, Titania was playing Hop-scotch with Oscar while their horses were trying to act like jackasses, Rolf was chicken-dancing, Rhys was looking for a shovel so that he could dig for rum or a dead cow, Mist was lecturing Mordecai on the importance of not being seen(If you've seen this Monty Python skit, than you'd get it), Lethe was singing, "I don't understand you", Ilyana was trying to eat Marcia's pegasus which was trying to sound like a jackass, Volke was skipping around the dungeon and singing carols, and the bishop was reciting a poem about singing caterpillars. The remaining prisoners only got half of the impact of the insanity because Mia, Marcia, and Boyd weren't able to get close enough to them because of the bars. A prisoner who was a golem was telling a rock to shut-up and a red-haired knight was gloating about how when he was one year old he was able to write a song about General Petrine prancing around in a meadow like an idiot. In another prison cell, a female knight was looking for a cell phone, regardless of the fact that she didn't even know what a cell phone was. The strange bishop had the strongest mind of everyone else so he recovered from the insanity, but the three berserk mercenaries ran past him so he continued to recite the eraser poem. After another fifteen minutes he recovered again this time was able to return sanity to the entire dungeon by throwing a glass jar full of insanity fairies at the wall. The jar shattered and freed the insanity fairies. They all began to sing:
Insanity, insanity, come to me, now,
You are my power and so you shall leave your vessels,
Don't make me have to prove that you're a fat cow!
Insanity, insanity, insanity,
Come to us who hold insanity's power,
We are the most insane out of this entire city!
Insanity, insanity, we are the most insane of the world, in fact,
So come to us, and follow us to the dream world,
Where we can freely and wreak havoc so let us make a pact!
After hearing this song that the insanity fairies sung, all of the insanity left the mercenaries alone and the fairies took the insanity and turned it into their magic. "We're out of here!" exclaimed an insanity fairy.
"Let's go to a more chaotic realm!" cackled another, and so the insanity fairies all warped to some other world.
"Wow. We're sane again. Thank Ashera." panted Ike.
"Well…now that the Daein soldiers are gone, we can free all of the other prisoners…" uttered Titania.
"Yeah…do your thing, Volke." Ike said.
"Yes, sir." and so Volke freed a knight, a golem, and a horse-rider.
"I'm an awesome Crimean soldier!" said the horse-rider. Just then, stupid Princess Elincia came into the dungeon.
"Hey, Elincia! You came here right on time! I've brought one of the Crimean soldiers who was being held prisoner."
"…I'm sure you are unaware of this, but I am…"
"Princess Elincia!" the knight blurted out.
"Oh…yes. Quite right."
"I am Kieran! I served under General Geoffrey, as leader of Crimea's fifth platoon. My platoon had the honor of escorting you from the palace during Daein's attack!"
"Really? You were there when…"
"I was! Lord Renning ordered my platoon to accompany General Geoffrey and serve as your escort. Our mission was to see you safely out of Crimea to Gallia's king. But we-"
"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP, PLEEAAASE!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.
"What the…?" Kieran raised his eyebrow.
"You'll get used to it." Titania sighed.
"Ahem! Well, now we all know where Kieran stands… How about you two? Will you recognize Princess Elincia as the rightful heir to the Crimean throne? Will you fight for her?" Ike said after recovering.
The golem replied in a hillbilly accent, "My name's Brom and this lass is Nephenee. I'm scared of the Daein soldiers, meaning I hate their guts. So I'll fight for you!"
"If you can defeat the king of Daein, will this country return to the way it used to be? Is that what you're after?" Nephenee asked, also in a hillbilly accent.
"It is my hope. I may not be as powerful as my father, but I will never abandon Crimea." Elincia solemnly replied.
"You sound like a lady who stands by her word. Looks like my choice is easy!" exclaimed Brom.
"Mine too." said Nephenee.
"Thank you." replied Elincia. Just then, Ike noticed the strange bishop who saved everyone from the insanity.
"You're…" Ike trailed off.
"O blessed saint…" Nephenee said in a dramatic voice.
"Master Sephiran! You live!" said Brom.
"Brom, Nephenee… Are either of you wounded?"
"We're fine, but what about you? You were jailed for helping us… I'm sorry! Oh, I hope they didn't hurt you!"
"Well…I'm fine, now. Everyone is safe, and that is what matters." Sephiran replied.
"O blessed one…" Nephenee rambled on.
Lenora was taking a breather and watching Ike talk with the weird priest. Then Sephiran left. Soon, Ike was talking with Soren, Titania, and Volke. Just then, Ranulf showed up.
"Ranulf! You're back already!" Ike exclaimed.
"Yeah, the thing is, I had trouble finding the yellow brick road…so… here I am!" Lenora was listening to Ike and Ranulf talking when Soren approached her.
"Hello, Lenora."
"Oh hello, Soren."
"We have some dangerous days ahead of us. We'd better get a lot of rest."
"Yeah, but I really don't want to go to Begnion. I've been there before. It's a terrible place."
"I know. I've read about it in books. I can imagine what that place is like."
"Soren, do you really think that we'll be able to find a ship that would take us to Begnion? Don't you think we'll be caught?"
"There are no other options."
"So it looks like if the Daein soldiers catch us we'll have to fight our hearts out."
"That seems to be the case."
"Lenora and Soren love each other!" Mia, Mist, and Rolf sang at the same time.
"Ah! YOU ABSURD MORONS!!!!!" Lenora shouted and started chasing them around. Soren blushed and watched his friend chase the three Beorc around the field. Marcia and Ilyana watched them and started plotting something.
"He-he-he. We'll make that Lenora and her bitches go insane once we get to Port Toha." Ilyana cackled in an evil voice.
"Oh yes, Ilyana. This will be fun." Marcia cackled in response. And the two wierdos cackled and cackled and cackled well into the night.
