Journal of Mina Van Helsing
I do not make a habit of journaling for personal reasons but find an exception in this moment. The simple reason is that I have no one to confide in. I haven't anyone to tell my secrets and stories too. I could talk to Lucy, but would not be able to confide fully because I hardly think she'd believe me. I could talk to The Count, but most of my problems are things I do not wish to discuss with him. So I have elected to write out my thoughts here in an attempt to purge them from my mind. I don't know why I'm writing this introduction at all, actually. No one but me shall read these words. I will tear them out as soon as I'm finished for fear someone will read them, probably. No one should ever read this.
I hate to think anyone should read my writting. To read one's writting is like to read one's soul.
First: Father. Father has not gotten any better at all. In fact, I came home to find him refusing to take medicine. He wants to die, and part of me thinks that awfully selfish of him. Maybe it's some last desperate measure to marry me off. I shouldn't think that. I know that he is old and tired of fighting. Father is so much older than men his age. He's lived so much more than others. He raised a daughter all on his own for many years, and I was not an easy daughter to raise. But he insists on teaching, and our maid informed me that he is still giving his classes. So some hope, at least.
But I am angry. Mostly, I am sad. Father cannot die. Father cannot just leave me. I am so not qualified to live self-sufficiently. I am a woman, foremost, and as much as I advocated women's rights, I know they will not happen instantly. I will hardly be hired as a doctor. I could get menial work as a nurse, but I would need a husband's support. I do not want a husband. Well, not for that reason. So I suppose I will move to the South with my aunt. I do so detest the South. There is nothing to do but gossip and sew, both things I have little proclivity towards. And I'll probably be made by my aunt to marry someone there. Heaven forbid we think women good for anything besides popping out children. Not all men see women that way, I know. It is unfair to judge them all so quickly. But enough of them do to make me hate the lot for the time being.
The Count. Alexander. Alexander Dracula. I'd once asked him why his surname and title were the same. The title was named after him, he'd explained. It was easy to forget he was ancient. He seemed so young in demeanor. You could tell something was different about him though, or perhaps I just sense it because I knew. A vampire. He is a vampire. I know he's done terrible things. He's said as much to me before. I have read about the things vampires of his caliber can do. But he is kind to me and that must count for something. He is kind. He had never been obsessive until this last week, but he seemed sick regardless.
Of course I know why he is sick. I know what he wants of me. I've read about this before. It used to disgust me to think it. How could a human willingly give their blood to such a creature? How could one allow this thing to drink from them? It seemed so…intimate. Yes, it seemed sexual in a way. Perhaps it's just the leftover teachings from my schooling. All things sexual are sin, I'd been taught. Maybe that's why the thought of feeding had frightened me so.
Because I never was disgusted by it in the first place. It…aroused something in me. I feel idiotic writing this. I shall be certain to burn it instantly. I told myself these were feelings of disgust, but it was not the truth. The thought of someone feeding from me was intriguing. God, I feel so stupid. Especially Alexander…
I cannot let him starve. I don't know why he wants my blood, but I cannot let him starve.
I am not certain if I will act on these feelings.
Writing this out did not help. I feel I have more questions than I originally started with.
Oh well. At least I have tinder for my fire now.
Mina Van Helsing.
OOO
The starvation gripped him tighter with every clench of a muscle. He had forgotten what it was to be so famished. This was a feeling he'd known rarely, but known it he had. When it took one as it took him then, it never left one alone. There was never a moment of escape from it. The searing fire in this throat burned all the way down to his stomach with an emptiness that food could not ratify. Alexander had tried to fill it with food many times, but it only came back up within an hour making the burning so much worse. The same with blood as well. His white sinks stained with the red blood that would not stay down.
I am a desperate creature, Alexander thought as he saw his gaunt reflection in the mirror. He looked the monster now. Far more corpse than man at this point and little he could do about it. That stupid moral fiber he'd somehow grown to possess made it so he would not take Mina's blood unwillingly. He would not do that to her. He had done that to others in his lifetime, but was certain he could not do it now. And not Mina. Certainly not his wonderful Mina. Not yours, he told himself. She is not your anything. Mina will never be anything to you. She is young. She does not want you. Certainly not now, he felt the hollows of his cheeks with his hand. You are a monster.
But it made him sick to think of her with anyone else. It gave him rage that he had sworn off long ago. Mina could not be with anyone else. Mina was his. Or…he would like her to be.
Then there was a knock at the door. He was stupid to think it was her, yet that was what his mind immediately leap to. Mina would not come to see him. Alexander had been far too forward in going to visit her. He had been far too forward in kissing her as he had. God, he felt sick to his stomach at the memory of it. If there was anything in him to purge, he felt it would come up at the thought of how he'd treated Mina. Mina is a lady, and a fine woman. I should not have thrown myself upon her so. I should not have kissed her like that. She certainly hates me now. She has every right to hate me now.
She liked it, said the other voice in his head. The voice that let him slaughter and live as an animal. Mina liked it just as much as you did. She did not fight it. She came to your arms willingly. Try as she does to hide it, Mina wants you just as desperately as you want her.
"Shut up," he murmured to himself as he opened the door."Miss Van Helsing."
Everything thing inside of him went wild at the sight of her. There was the animal instinct to jump upon her and feed which of course he dismissed. But not only her blood made him insane, just her presence. Her light blonde hair up in that far too tight knot she always insisted on keeping it in. Her beautiful slender figure in that light blue frock. She clenched her medical bag to her chest, but her usual look of professionalism was now one of shock. Another indication that I look like a monster, he thought bitterly.
"Alexander," Mina whispered so lowly he felt almost as though he had imagined it. "You're much worse than I thought." Mina stepped forward and buzzed past him. He could tell from her direction she was headed to the study, which only made sense. Get a grip, he told himself forcefully as he followed her. God, what was it about her doing this to him? He had not felt this insane since he was a newborn vampire. He had not loved a woman and also wanted her as a familiar since Viktorya. He had forgotten how maddening that was.
Mina is not your wife. Alexander seemed to find himself saying this reminder quite often. Mina has no ties to you. You are not even certain that she feels for you the same way you feel for her. She is young and has many options. Mina will not choose you and you must stop behaving as though she already has.
Why would she come her if she did not want you? Hissed that other voice again. She wants you.
When he reached the study he found Mina had not opened her bag as she usually did. She had not pulled out a wine bottle full of blood or the syringe that always seemed too large for her small hands. Instead, Mina sat on the couch with her hand on her lap. Her small face was focused and her brow furrowed. He could tell that her breathing had slowed, as her lips pursed to focus upon nothing else but the rise and fall of her breath. It was a most peculiar sight.
"Miss Van Helsing-"
"You're starving, aren't you?" Mina said suddenly, her blue eyes darting to his own. He did not answer. "Aren't you?"
Alexander nodded.
Mina labored her breathing again. "I thought as much," she responded quietly. "All right," she said (he was not sure if to him or herself). "All right," Mina focused, her hands arching on her knees like spiders. Alexander watched as her right hand crossed to her left, undoing the buttons at the wrist. He blinked, watching the peculiar sight and wondering what on earth she was planning to do when it suddenly struck him. Mina rolled up the sleeve of the gown and he knew fully what she was intending.
"Miss Van Helsing, stop," Alexander said, though his mind screamed for her to keep going. He'd moved closer, and Mina's eyes seemed all the more doe-like as she gazed up at him.
"I am your doctor," Mina said matter-of-factly. "I will not let you starve."
"Mina-"
"You said," Mina interrupted, "you said that you couldn't feed. That there's something with my blood that…" She shook her head. "So I read. I read everything I could find on this, though there wasn't much at all. I know it will hurt. I know all I can know about it, Alexander. I will not let you starve yourself on my behalf."
Alexander didn't speak for a while. He knew Mina well enough to know he would not win any sort of argument. What was he meant to do then? Should he simply give in and avoid all misgivings? Mina is only doing this for you. You cannot let her do this. Whatever she read, she certainly does not know all she thinks she does. Mina has no idea the repercussions of this act. The ties it would make between the two of them. Incredible ties…
He looked at Mina again. He had never seen her look so serious about anything. And he was starving. Alexander was truly, horrifically starving and the solution was sitting right in front of him in a lovely blue dress. He thought of that night in the forest. It had been so peculiar to see her in a nightdress with her hair down on her shoulders. So odd to see her so intimately. Alexander wondered what it would be like to know her intimately... Stop it now.
"I can't let you do this," he said, despite everything telling him to not say that. Alexander sat in the chair next to her. "Miss Van Helsing, you needn't do this for me."
"Stop being a martyr," Mina said coarsely. "You can do this or you can starve to death, but do not expect me to sit around and watch you kill yourself."
Part of him wanted to clarify and say he would not die, he would just grow catatonic until someone fed him, but he supposed she was right. Mina was not a person to be easily persuaded out of something she'd set her mind to. Mina certainly had set her mind to this. A long stretch from the girl who used to be disgusted by his very being.
"It won't hurt you," Alexander finally spoke. He moved his chair closer, as to be directly in front of her. She looked at him quizzically. "The feeding. It won't hurt you."
"I read about it," Mina told him firmly. "I know it will. You needn't lie to me."
He shook his head, "I'm not lying." He watched as Mina wrung her fingers about her wrist. They were so small. Her bones seemed as fragile as that of a bird. Alexander took her hands in his. She kept looking at him with that same confusion.
"It hurts most people, you are correct," Alexander clarified. "But it will not hurt you."
"Why?" Mina's breath has resumed the heaviness of fear. Please do not be afraid of me, he wanted to say. Though he could not blame her. He certainly looked very hellish now with his protruding fangs completing the look. How do I explain this delicately? He was certain Mina would not care if he gave all the details, but she seemed so frail now. He needn't frighten her any more.
Mina squeezed his hands back.
He explained, "It is rather an intimate thing to feed from a person. And like other...intimacies it can be painful if a partner is not willing."
"So it is sexual?" Mina asked bluntly. He couldn't help but laugh a bit. He needn't worry about Mina's frailty after all.
"Yes, I suppose so," Alexander said.
Mina exhaled. "All right then." Slowly, she pulled out her left wrist and held it out to him. "First time for everything."
Alexander held her small wrist, hoping dearly to not break her. Mina was strong, he knew, but one wrong move and he could harm her. Humans were fragile as a rule. Especially compared to him. And he was so famished. Alexander had not been so famished in a long time. He would take special care not to harm her. He'd keep his wits about him as he fed and not take too much. He hoped. You will not harm her.
"Are you certain?" He asked one last time, feeling his vision turning red.
Mina nodded, "Yes."
Without another hesitation, he pressed his fangs into her pale skin and immediately felt his thirst quaked. Yes, this was so much better than what he'd had recently. The blood he'd gotten sick upon was nothing like hers. Mina's blood was pure and perfect. A virgin's blood, her noted, unclaimed by any other. And now she was his. As his hunger madness subsided, he took care to see how she was fairing. Mina's eyes were shut and she was breathing heavily, but her sounds were not of pain. He'd never seen Mina like this. He'd glimpsed this side of her the night in the forest, but never again did he witness this. Mina was no longer so confined and proper. She looked just as animal as him. It was strangely pleasurable to know that he was the one to have this power over her. Mina was not one to relinquish power often.
Alexander pulled back from her wrist. He was going to try something and was hoping she would not object. In a motion too swift for Mina to see clearly, Alexander moved to her side and watched as Mina looked at him curiously. Her breast still heaved from the brief moment of intimacy. Alexander brushed the hair from her neck, signaling his intention. Without a thought, Mina brought her hand to the back of his head and pulled him near. Alexander pressed his fangs into her porcelain neck and she cried aloud. He worried he'd harmed her, but Mina moved her other hand to his back to pull him in further. His nails raked through his shirt and into his skin and she breathed through clenched teeth.
"Alexander," Mina said as lightly as a breeze. See, it doesn't hurt you, he thought cheekily. It was unbelievable how well he felt. He had not felt so in months. No longer some brooding, desperate creature. He felt like himself again. He seemed a man once more. And Mina, Mina was a woman. She was not as masculine as she always behaved. For just this brief moment, Mina was his. Wholly his if only just for a minute. He did not mean to possess her. That was not the intention. But it was good to know he was particular to Mina. He was special. Mina wanted him.
He felt the pounding inside that told him he needed to stop. Alexander pulled back, the wound on her neck instantly closing. It would leave nothing but a thin white mark. Nearly invisible unless you meant specifically to look for it. That was good. Those Protector people would not see it. Mina's arm was still around his neck as he pulled away from her. She looked to him with those large eyes of hers. Her face had grown red, but from pleasure or shame he could not tell. But he soon found an answer when Mina pulled him forward violently and pushed his lips against her own, as thought her blood was not ringed around his lips. He hesitated before kissing her back passionately. Maybe it was just the moment. Perhaps Mina truly felt nothing towards him. But it was nice for the moment it lasted. It was nice to pretend.
She pulled back, her eyelids heavy. But she did not let go of him.
"Do you need to rest?" Alexander asked.
"Well, I did just lose quite a bit of blood," Mina responded with a cheeky smile. Alexander laughed, kissing her again lightly. "I like that." She said in a whisper, before she fell back onto the couch pillows.
OOO
Mina did not expect to swoon, but now realized she was ridiculous to not think of that. Losing a great deal of blood had the tendency to do that to people and she should've thought of the possibility. Well, there were quite a few things she should've considered more. Like the fact that it would not hurt. Like the fact that it made that part of her that wanted Alexander take over her entire being. Kissing him had been peculiar, but she felt the need to do it more ardently than she had ever felt anything before. God, he gave her such feelings that… Well, she did not have the words to properly describe them. Perhaps they were not feelings that could be written in words. Maybe that's why they were so odd to her. Maybe that's why they were so frightening. Mina could understand things that were written down. She could grasp things that had been thoroughly researched. But feelings…feelings were a beast she had not yet tamed.
Mina was somewhere between consciousness and sleep when she felt someone shake her shoulder. Something swipped her lips.
She opened her eyes, the light coming from outside seeming alarmingly bright. Her arms felt like feathery limbs attached to her as blood slowly began to coarse through them. Alexander stood over her, the fangs still slightly poking from his lips. She had not been resting long, then. But why did he look so worried? Gently, he brought a hand to brush her face, and she realized her hair had completely fallen at some point. She wasn't sure why that bothered her so. Such a trivial thing.
"Miss Van Helsing," he said with odd formality. It seemed those had flown out the window with their last encounter. Something is wrong, Mina surmised. She sat up all too fast, her vision swirling into a black tunnel. A hand on her shoulder steadied her as she blinked away the specks of black. There was another person here. In the doorway, she saw a woman's silhouette. A mass of large curls… Lucy? Mina stood, as wobbly on her legs as a newborn doe. Alexander was quick to put arms around her, something Mina realized was not proper at all. He should not do this infront of Lucy. They were standing in far too familiar a position. She hoped at least the Count had made up some sort of lie as to why Mina had been lying down. Had he cleaned the blood from her? Did they looed quite peculiar? But why was Lucy here at all? What could it mean?
Father. Mina's body turned to ice at the thought of it. That sinking feeling she'd had when she first saw John at the ball shot through her once more. Then, she had been wrong, but Mina knew she was not so now. She could tell from the look on Lucy's face.
"Lucy, what is it?" Mina burst from The Count's protective grasp and stumbled towards her friend. Lucy caught her hands just in time, saving Mina from a sure fall. Mina could not feel her legs. She would not be able to stand for much longer. "Is it father?" Lucy bit her lip. "Lucy!" It made no sense. Sure, father had refused medicine, but he had not gotten worse! He was still teaching at University! He was going to be fine, they had all said so! They had all…
Lucy blubbered, "John and Arthur came to my house. They were looking for you." Lucy's hands were shaking. Or Mina's were shaking so terribly on her that it felt like Lucy's. Lucy had begun to cry. Mina had too. "Your father became very sick at school and he is…Oh dear Mina, he is-"
"No," Mina said in a voice that didn't even sound like her own. "No, no, no. He can't…" The words. Mina was speaking words but they seemed to be in another language. Her eyes swirled out again, darkness approaching on all sides. She could stand no longer. She could be awake no longer. This was some horrible dream. Everything had been so perfect and all had been so well there was no way he could be dead. No way.
Mina heard Lucy cry out her name before everything turned dark.
