Chapter 10: Welcome Home
So after that whole thing with everything happening, we all decided to head back and rest for a bit, maybe catch up on not-really-all-that-old times.
"So," I begin. "Anything exciting happen to the academy while we were gone?"
Emily puts a hand to her chin and ponders. "Well I haven't been there myself, so I don't know all that much really."
"So you finally admit it," Louise deadpans.
"Admit wha- ooooh. Low blow, princess," Emily says with a sardonic smirk. "Either way, I'll amend my statement. I personally don't know anything about the situation, but I do have my contacts back there just in case something like this happens. From what I hear, there was an attack of some sorts-"
"What!"
"Let me finish!" Emily says before either of us can object to that little piece of info. "They were attacked by some psychotic people who like to burn things, but Colbert, being the badass he is, fought them off. Reports contradict a bit there. Some say he killed them by burning them in a sub molecular level, others say her simply beat them so soundly that they fled like little bitches."
"Those are two different extremes, aren't they?" I ask.
Emily shrugs, showing an air of not really giving a crap. "Okay, please no interruptions until I've finished my reports, got it?" me and Louise nod. "Good. Again, reports kind of contradict on the exact details, but at least here they remain rather constant. Colbert succumbed to injuries gained during the conflict, and appeared, APPEARED," Emily repeats with great gusto as if to preempt any outbursts. "He appearedto have then died. No surprised looks or anything, I'm not done! One report however, states that it was actually just a ploy by Tabitha and Kirche to get him out of the academy and hidden away safely so Agnis wouldn't kill him herself."
"Isn't Agnis the one that kis-" I'm cut off when Louise clamps a hand over my mouth.
"Yes Josh we know her! No need to bring that up!"
Emily looks confused. "Is there something I'm missing?"
"N-no! Not at all!" Louise exclaims with a much higher decibel level then necessary. "Nothing!"
Louise's bi tendencies really aren't of much importance in the grand scheme of things anyway.
Emily doesn't look satisfied but shrugs and continues. "Since no one asked, I'll just point out that Agnis' village was burned down when she was little, Colbert was the one who led that particular squad, but they were lied too and it's just a mess of political BS or something like that. Either way, my source indicates that Colbert is still alive, just sort of hunkering down with Kirche in Germania."
"If I may ask, who is this source?" I ask.
Emily thinks for a bit. "Charlotte Helene Orleans. She's one of Kirche's closest friends."
I don't recognize the name, but that doesn't surprise me considering how many people at the academy I don't know. What does surprise me is how short the name is. I mean, my name is almost longer then that! I don't feel like doing a letter or syllable count to check, but I'm sure her's is a longer name. Unless it's a dude named Charlotte in which case I feel kind of sad for him, but he still has a longer name then I do.
"Orleans?" Louise asks.
Emily nods. "Yeah, and?"
Louise ponders for a bit, then shakes her head. "Nothing. I just thought I heard that name before."
"Right..." Emily says, tones of suspicion creeping into her voice. "Anyway, where was I? Let's see, attack, faked death, ah! There was a cooking contest a little bit after that event! First prize went to some first year who made this exquisite banana sundae! Or something like that. Other then that, nothing really."
"Death and Sundaes. Sounds like an average week or two at the academy," I mention.
"You're damn right!" Emily says with a smile. "But enough about that. How've you two been the last, what, month? Is that about right?"
"I think so," I reply. "Let's see, I was sleeping from having almost died, and so was Louise I think, but she got better first. Then I woke up, met some people, climbed some trees, impressed the kids, learned I apparently wasn't gandalfar anymore, took out these two thugs that were going to hurt one of the kids here, got my hand impaled on something or other, stopped by here to climb some trees, got yelled at by Louise, ambushed by Sheffield, then you dropped by and nearly broke my back. That about right Louise?"
"More or less if you ignore the important things like that we now know there are other void mages out there besides me," Louise points out. "But you're right, climbing trees is much more important then that little fact."
"Well it's more fun," I counter. "Because now we're going into another story arc or something and we're going to almost die like twenty times over."
"Story arc?" Louise asks.
"Think of it this way," I begin. "Let's say this is all just one big story that'll be told for years to come after we've saved the world or something."
"Good luck with that," Emily adds.
"Thank you. Now, let's say they decide to split it into a trilogy of novels or something. The first novel could cover from the first summoning to the end of the Albion war, and now we're on the second novel. A sort of story arc type thing."
"So then what's the second and third novels cover?" Louise asks, clearly unimpressed with my analogy.
"Obviously the second one covers from when we wake up to whenever we're finished with this void throwing Joseph guy. Hmmm. Wait, that leaves a whole third book."
"Maybe that's the one where you save the world?" Emily throws in dryly. "After all, someone's got to at some point."
"Maybe, but after an evil wizard guy with powers equal to Louise's in terms of blowing shit up, what's next? An ancient evil dragon that eats void users just so the whole concept of being a void user doesn't just boil down to a novelty and becomes plot relevant again?" I ask.
"Josh," Louise begins. "I'll have you know that that might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. And you can say a lot of stupid things."
"Have to agree with the pink one here," Emily says, a mocking smile on her face.
"I'm just throwing ideas at the wall and seeing what sticks. Weirder plot devices have been used before."
After that it was mostly small talk until a small figure was seen approaching us.
"Big bro! Where were you!" Yuca screams at me, one hand on her hip, the other one pointing at me. "You promised you'd play with me! Why were you with big sis Louise and that other lady!"
"They get big sis and big bro and I'm just 'that other lady?'" Emily laments. "Girl, I saved there lives! I deserve some credit!"
"Now you're also a liar, lady!" Yuca throws back. "Big bro doesn't need saving! He does fine just on his own! Right bro?"
"Bro!" Emily exclaims with a laugh. "So he's your brother?"
Yuca puffs her cheeks with rage, a blush visible on her face. "Yeah! Who're you anyway?"
"I'm Josh's mistress, of course, and I make sure to take good care of him each night I'm needed," Emily says. The combination of smile on her face and completely monotone delivery make for an interesting combination. I think it was a joke, but it still causes Louise and Yuca to blush.
"Wh-what're you talking about!" They both scream in unison.
"Yo-you're just a lowly maid!" Louise exclaims in embarrassment. "Y-yeah! A maid!"
"Th-that kind of th-thing isn't allowed!" Yuca yells at Emily. "Big bro is mine and big sis's only!"
"Big sis Tifa, or big sis Louise?" I can't help but ask.
"Bot- I mean Louise of course!" Yuca throws at me embarrassedly.
Emily throws this look at me. It was a look that said, "This is just too good."
"You've certainly been busy the last few weeks," Emily quips. I respond by attaching a palm to my face as Louise and Yuca keep arguing, unaware of Emily's lack of attention for them. She's now mumbling something to herself. The three voices all sort of blend together.
"... Mine, no Big sis's! He's Louise's only!"
"... Commoner's can't have noble's boyfrie- property! That's what I meant to say!"
"Let's see, that's first girl and sister complex? No, maybe just lolita complex? Hard to say but-"
"Shoot me now. Please."
That last one was from me, to me. Luckily I don't think Emily heard it or she probably would have complied with my wishes. She does give a sort of smirk though.
"Ex-excuse me? Please don't fight."
We all stop and turn to the newcomer and see Tifa standing there looking worried. And then silence once again reigns supreme.
"Okay, so that's first girl, sister, and elf complexes," Emily says as she writes something down in a notebook. "Any chance of adding a maid complex to that?" She adds with a wink.
"What's a complex?" Yunica asks.
"Basic psychology, if you ever stop by the academy then feel free to drop by the library, they've got a whole section on psychology," Emily answered.
"What's psychology?" Yunica asks in response.
"Something no one here is old enough to care about," I respond.
"Hello!" Emily says enthusiastically to Tifa, shifting gears as fast as possible. "May I inquire as to the title of your personage?"
"E-excuse me?" Tifa asks, clearly having no idea what Emily just said. And she's not alone.
"Please speak in a language that people can easily be understood," I tell Emily.
She groans. "Fine. My name is Emily Kimberly Pilgrim. What's your name?"
"You're name is more then just Emily?" I ask.
Emily shoots me a confused look. "Yeah. Didn't I bring that up?"
"No."
"Oh. My condolences, Mr. Springfield. So yeah, I'm Emily. What's your name Miss Elf?"
Tifa immediately yelps and tries to cover her ears. Oh, maybe if I cover my blatantly pointy ears she'll think she just imagined them! Is what I assume her thought process was. Sounds like a winning thought process to me.
"I-I'm not an elf!"
"So your ears are just naturally pointy?" Emily asks. "Don't worry, it's fine. Josh and Louise seem to like you."
Tifa hesitantly uncovers her ears and smiles a little. "My name's Tiffania Westwood."
Emily smiles. "Nice to meet you Tifa!"
"Your last name is Westwood?" I ask.
Tifa seems confused. "I'm sorry, didn't I mention that when I introduced myself?"
"I'm not sure. I can't remember. Still an interesting tidbit."
"Emily, are you sure? It's okay that I'm an elf?" Tifa says, getting back to the original subject.
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"That's a valid question that I realized I don't think I have an answer to," I point out. "Why are people so 'Ah Elves! They're going to kill us all!' Was it something I missed in history class, because that was always my worst subject."
Louise brightens up and assumes a lecture pose with her left arm across her chest, supporting her right arm which she uses as a pointer.
"You see, it all started with the Founder Brimir, all those years ago. He-"
"He met some elves, they disagreed about some stuff, they took over the holy land so Brimir tried to nuke 'em, and they didn't like that, so I think there was a war of some kind, but now we all just kind of ignore each other for fear of us losing badly." Emily says, interrupting Louse's probably hours long lecture about ancient history.
"Thanks," Louise says sourly, upset at her lecture being interrupted and abridged.
"And how did this nuking occur?" I ask, desperate to change a topic and abate Louise's potential wrath.
Emily thinks for a minute, then shrugs. "I dunno. I'll look into when we get back to the academy. We are going back to the academy, right?"
Louise nods. "I sent the letter to the princess a few days ago telling her that we were alive and where to find us. I also requested transport back to Tristain."
"Are you leaving so soon?" Tifa asks.
Louise nods. "We have a duty to the kingdom of Tristain. We have to return as soon as we can!"
"In any case, Tifa, do you have some food?" Emily asks. "I'm hungry and we can explain everything over a nice up of warm food."
Tifa smiles. "Yes, I'm sure I have something you'll enjoy."
"Alright! Food time! Lead the way!" Emily says as she drags Tifa away.
"Because great leaders are always dragged around by those they lead," Louise says, before walking after them.
I take a few steps forward, but stop when I feel a tugging on my sleeve, and look down to see Yuca looking up at me.
"What's up Yuca?" I ask nonchalantly.
"Big bro, are you really going to be leaving?" She asks sadly.
"Well, not yet, since the ship's not here, but I will be having to go back eventually."
"But the ship'll be here soon, right? Big sis Louise said she sent the letter days ago, so the ship that'll take you to your home will be here soon right?"
"Um... Assuming we actually get a ship, yeah. Why do you ask?"
Yuca's silent and just holds onto my sleeve for a bit. "I..." I can't make out the rest of it because she just sort of mumbles it.
"Excuse me?"
"I said I don't want you to go!" Yuca yells before grabbing onto me.
"Excuse me?" I think I was too confused by the sudden glomping to register that.
... I just remembered how much I hated this conversation, so here's the cliff notes. Yuca didn't want me to leave, I promised I'd come back and visit, Yuca made me pinky promise which is apparently something that exists here to my surprise. I agreed to the proposal and Yuca let loose a smile similar in brightness to a quasar. I was near blinded by it. Emily's still wrong about the siscon thing.
Since nothing really happened, I'll just speed along. We went back to the orphanage and saw Agnis there. She was there to let us know that our ship had arrived and we were ready to roll and go home. We bid farewell to Tifa and all the kids. Emily suggested Tifa just come along with us, but that didn't work. Something about not leaving the kids. I wondered why we couldn't just bring them along, but then I realized that we'd either have nowhere for them to go, or they'd be living at the academy. Either one could wind up catastrophic.
Farewells were bid one last time, and we all headed for the port. We boarded the boat, which was apparently a really awesome boat since Louise freaked out when she saw it. Something about it being a hugely prestigious vessel or whatever. Boats are boats, and who cares how famous it is as long as it floats? Whether it floats on water or air is inconsequential. ... I like that word. Inconsequential. I need to find a way to work that into more sentences.
So the boat flew from the floating island back to Tristain. You know, it just sank in that the freaking boats are FLYING. How the hell does that work?
"Well, you see," Louise assumed another lecture pose when I asked. This one involved one hand on her hip and the other using her wand as a pointer to make vague gestures. "It all has to do with the ship's fuel, in this case, the wind stones. You see..."
The lecture took an hour. Emily took notes, I took a nap. Tried too, anyway. Louise made sure that my alarm clock woke me up. My exploding alarm clock. When asked What gave away the fact that I was sleeping, Louise responded with:
"You weren't making any 'witty' comments about how 'in depth' or 'long-winded' my lecture was."
As a note, I hate myself for not coming up with the "long-winded" first. That was a good one.
Agnis was not amused by the fact that Louise nearly blew up the ship we were on. Emily, on the other hand, found it hilarious as hell and doubled over laughing. I'm glad my pain amuses you, I'll make sure to blow myself up more often.
Eventually, the journey ended, as all must. We landed at a nice port in Tristain, and we all immediately agreed on our first order of business. Find a goddamn bathroom. After that, we all agreed on our second order of business, find some half-decent food. In case anyone's wondering, our third and fourth orders of business were find a cheap hotel and get a decent night's sleep, in that order.
Apparently the princess wanted to talk to us about something, which is why we're currently in a hurry. It's probably about Louise using the queen's authority to score us some sweet hotel rooms free of charge. Something about "abuse of power," I imagine.
It took a while to get back to the capitol, but we did get there. Me, Louise and Emily walked into Henrietta's room, where she was the only one there. First order of the day? Tearful reunion between the childhood friends, of course! Crying, hugging, cries of "I'm so glad you're alright!" and making out all occurred, not necessarily in that order. ... Okay, okay, the third one didn't happen. They're seriously not making it easy for me to resist writing that thing. Please don't make me invent rule 34 in this world. I could almost see someone like Emily doing that, but don't make me be "that guy." For now, let's be a completely different "that guy" and point out what everyone seems to have missed.
"Sorry, but, um... What happened to all the furniture and stuff?" I ask. "The room's kind of... Empty."
Louise, of all people, gasps and breaks off the hug and scans the room, noting the lack of anything but a bed.
"P-princess! Wh-what happened to all your belongings?"
"Oh! Oh! I know this one!" Emily cries as she raises her hand. "Anne! Anne! Can I answer this one?"
Henrietta smiles and nods. "Go right ahead, Emily."
"Awright!" Emily yells with a fist pump. "You see, Anne-"
"Anne?" I can't help but ask.
"Oh, sorry, Princess Henrietta," Emily corrects. "She likes her friends calling her Anne. I could have sworn you two of all people would have known."
"I-It's rude to address her highness by anything other then her title!" Louise exclaims.
"I kept forgetting," and how the hell do you get Anne from Henrietta?
"It's alright," Henrietta offers with a smile. "I am used to being called many things. Some not as polite as others."
"I have a list, if you'd like to see it some time Anne," Emily offers.
"Can we get back onto the topic of why the room's empty?" I say, trying to steer the conversation back on track.
"Oh, right, stupid me," Emily says with a nervous laugh. "You see, since there was that whole war thing that happened a little bit ago, funds were a little tight around... Well, everywhere. To help with this, the princess sold all her belongings to help fund the war effort!"
"And I'd have gone for a kickstarter program."
"A what?" Louise and Henrietta ask simultaneously. I dismiss the question with a wave of my hand and change the topic to something that's been bugging me.
"Emily," *SLAP* "Emi, if Henrietta," *SLAP* "Anne, likes being called that by her friends, then why are you saying it, and I'd like a more detailed explanation then 'We're friends.'"
"Damn it, there goes my first answer," Emily says with pouting. "Well, you pretty much hit the nail square on the head. If the question you meant to ask is how me and Anne became friends, that's easier to answer. You know my job, right?"
I nod. "Maid at the academy of magic posing as an information broker."
"Reverse order there champ, but yeah," Emily says with a nod. "You see-"
"Miss Emi," Henrietta says with a slight raising of her hand. "May I answer this one?"
"Go right ahead, your highness," Emily says with a bow.
"Thank you," Henrietta says. "It was a long time ago, I believe it was a little after I had sent Louise and you to Albion to retrieve the letter to Prince Wales. Naturally I still had duties to carry out, I do more then sit on a throne and be a figurehead."
She's already better then most government officials I know of.
"One of these duties required a request letter to be sent. Unfortunately, the person carrying the letter was ambushed by street thugs and lost track of the letter. A few days later, a guard runs in to ask me how to deal with a commotion that a girl at the gates was causing. She was yelling about how she had an important letter to give to the princess immediately. I elected to hear her out instead of listening to the guards and throwing her in the dungeon."
"You have a dungeon?" I ask out of sheer curiosity.
Henrietta giggles. "No, that was just a little joke."
I like people who joke about having a dungeon. A little dark humor can go a long way in making conversations interesting.
"The first thing the girl did when I gave her an audience was to apologize for the commotion the guards had caused," Henrietta continues. "She then handed me an envelope saying it was a response from the person I had sent the letter too. Miss Emi, if you care to continue?"
"Gladly," Emily offers with a cheshire cat grin. "See, the letter Anne had tried to send was lost, and one of my contacts happened to pick it up."
"Which contact?" I ask.
"Oh, you'll probably meet her soon," Emily says. "She's an expert on void magic, so I imagine we might need to contact her about something in the future, but that's besides the point. See, my contact admitted to reading the letter, and let me know that the princess was trying to contact someone. I instructed her to deliver the letter, and give me the response. I got the response and decided to personally march right off to the castle to deliver that thing!"
I'd ask where I was when something like this happened, but then I remembered me and Louise were either traveling to or in Albion, and asking would make me seem like an idiot.
"Okay, yeah, me and the guards didn't get along," Emily admits. "Turns out they're suspicious of people claiming they have important business with the princess but not explaining what the business is. Who knew?"
"I remember finding that out," Louise says. "That was fun."
"And they hate it even more when you knock two of 'em out and try to charge through the gates by force," Emily adds. "But that's besides the point. Like she said, Anne did decide to hear me out. I gave her the letter, told her the current situation and said my words."
"So now you're a maid, an information broker, and a delivery girl?" Louise asks. "I'd have settled for just one."
"Well, delivery service kind of runs in the family," Emily admits. "Continuing on, After that choice meeting, we kept in contact. Not gonna lie, it started pretty much solely business, but as it went on the letters we swapped did start becoming more casual and we became friends. As it stands, I'd say it's a 50/50 split between letters between friends and letters between business partners."
At this point, Henrietta giggles again. "We're better friends then that. Thought it's still hard to believe that I'm friends with THE Shadow Broker!"
Suddenly Emily almost starts panicking and makes a few gestures that seem to convey the message, "Shut up now please!"
"Shadow Broker?" Louise asks.
"Is there something you've neglected to tell us, Emily?" like if your real skin color is blue and you're an alien with tentacles on their head?
Emily still seems slightly panicked, and Henrietta seems confused as hell. Eventually Emily sighs.
"Okay, okay. I... Might have intentionally misinformed you about how big my information network is."
"How badly misinformed?" I ask.
"Let's put it this way, how many contacts do you think I have? People I get information from and give information too?"
Well, there's the princess and the aforementioned self proclaimed void expert, so that's at least two. Um...
"Three? No wait, four!" I offer.
Emily chuckles. "Yeah, no. It's closer to triple digits, though I forget how many. I think it was around 132. For reference, the second biggest information broker has around 42 contacts."
Louise and I stand there shocked. That's... That's a lot of contacts.
"Sooo, why Shadow Broker?" I ask. I mean, I kind of doubt it's what I'm thinking of, because Mass Effect sadly does not exist here.
"Well I needed a name, or an alias of some sort," Emily rather correctly points out. "I mean, a name like Emily Kimberly Pilgrim kind of stands out and makes it easy if for someone to track me down if I happen to run across some info they don't want me knowing."
"The odds of that happening are?" Louise prompts.
"Well people planning my assassination has happened around 3 times in the past few months. I'm still around because it turns out it's hard to plot the assassination of someone you don't even know is real. Go figure. Anyway, I needed an alias, and the term 'Shadow Broker' popped up. I liked how it sounded, so it stuck. And with that, my story time is over, I feel like we should get back to why we're here at all. Why are we here, Anne? What did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to apologize, Louise," Henrietta says, her expression becoming solemn all of a sudden.
"Huh? Apologize for what?" Louise asks.
"It's my fault. It was my generals who gave you that order, and it was me who asked for you to use your magic for us. Because of me, both you and your familiar almost died."
Oh, that. It's nothing, our lives are put in danger every other thursday, give or take. I've grown used to it, which is not something someone should have a right to say.
"It's not your majesty's fault," Louise says. "You didn't give the order, the generals did."
"No, it was still my fault. We were in this war because of me," Henrietta insists.
"Were we really? I kind of forgot what that war was fought over. Can I get a refresher?" I whisper to Emily.
"You're right in assuming I know everything because the best information broker in Halkgenia. You're wrong in assuming I can remember everything at any one given moment," she whispers back.
"Awesome. Thanks."
"No problem."
"It's no trouble at all princess," Louise says. "I dedicated my entire life to you. Naturally that includes my death as well."
Admittedly, it's probably a little tough to dedicate your death to someone on it's own. Before I get murdered by this assassin, I'd like to dedicate this death to my mother. You've been an inspiration. Doesn't really work, now does it?
"And you, brave familiar," Henritetta says as she turns to me.
"Hey, I was just following master Louise, no need to say anything," I preempt. I don't like being congratulated, it makes me feel weird, like expectations are starting to be laid down. I hate people having expectations for me.
"Are you trying to blame me for that?" Louise asks angrily.
"No, I'm trying to pass all credit for everything to you," I counter. "So basically, yeah, I'm blaming you that we're here and alive at this moment."
"I can't tell if you're complimenting me or insulting me," Louise asks with a suspicious glare pointed my way.
"Mostly the first, partly the second."
"Joshua," Henrietta begins. "If I may ask, why do you not want any credit for helping save many lives?"
"Because looking back, I hated every single moment of that!" I exclaim.
"Oh, you don't want credit because you don't like remembering that you almost died," Louise says.
"That makes sense," Emily adds. "I mean, if I saved a life or two, but one of my brothers died during it or something, I'd hate being reminded of the event for that reason. It's kind of like that, isn't it?"
"I see," Henrietta says.
They all close their eyes and nod, as if deep in thought.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask. "If I tried to stop thinking about everything here that could remind me of all the times I've almost died, I'd never be able to think!"
"Excuse me?" They all ask.
"Well for one, we've got the walking, pink haired explosion and all the times she's nearly blown me up-"
"Wh-What!" Louise says in shock and anger. "You little-"
"Then there's the academy itself, which I can link to that courtyard where I dueled Guiche and narrowly avoided quite a few nearly fatal strikes, then duels remind me of the one with Wardes, which reminds me of Wardes in general and how he tried to kill me and Louise. Remembering Wardes reminds me of Albion, which reminds me of this whole war in general, lots of things can remind me of almost dying. No, I hated that whole thing in terms of performance."
"You mean you don't think you did a good enough job?" Henrietta asks.
I nod. "Yeah. I mean, think about it. That whole army had 8 generals or people in charge, I believe?"
Emily seems surprised. "Um... Yeah, how'd you-"
"Of those 8, I only got one, I think. Louise got all the others with her giant explosions."
"I did?" Louise asks. "I really wasn't aiming at anything special."
"And on top of that, I couldn't come up with any extremely witty one liner! I mean, I'm fighting an army, and I can't even come up with some extremely sarcastic and witty thing to say to death's face? Disgraceful."
And oh god, what was I thinking! Protectors of Earth? Great song, but there's no way it'd fit that scene! ZERO would have been infinitely more appropriate! Damn it!
"Wait," Louise says. "You don't want credit for being one of the two people to force an entire army to retreat, because you didn't come up with a sarcastic quip before you died?" I nod. "You're serious."
"I'm always serious," I say with the most serious face I can manage.
"That's what worries me," Louise responds.
"I can't help but think about something you two forgot to bring up," Emily adds.
"What could we have forgotten?" Louise asks.
"Oh! I got this one!" I say excitedly. "It's Tifa and Sheffield, isn't it!"
"Ding ding! Points and one cookie to Josh," Emily responds with a smile.
"Yay!"
"Tifa? Sheffield?" Henrietta asks, confused about these alien names.
We then proceeded to explain the whole "other void mages thing," Henrietta was rather scared. Rightfully so considering how broken Louise's explosion are, what happens when that gets pitted against us? Louise then proceeded to apologize like hell for worrying her by bringing up this terrible news. As that happens:
"Okay, I'm not the only one who sees something between those two, right?" Emily whispers to me.
"Nope."
"Oh good. Might wanna watch your back, Henrietta might be gunning for you girlfriend," Emily says.
"I'm more worried about the inverse occurring," I reply.
"And of course we can't forget about this brave familiar," Henrietta says as she turns to me.
"Eh? I mean, excuse me?" I ask. "What can't we forget about me? And didn't we just go over this?"
"No matter the case, I must thank you. If not for you my dearest friend," (read: secret crush) "Would have died. For that, you have my sincerest thanks."
"Didn't I just get through saying that Louise did most of the work?"
"Regardless, you did help, and efforts such as that should be rewarded, should it not?" Henrietta said with a smile.
Then an idea hit me. I can use this to my advantage and accomplish my goal I've had since coming here!
"Okay, but do you mind if I make a request?" I ask.
"Josh! Don't ask for things from royalty!" Louise complains.
"It's okay Louise," Henrietta says in an attempt to calm down the fuming mage. "If it's a reasonable request, I shall see to it being granted. May I ask what your request is?"
I grin.
"Awesome. Okay, we'll need bread dough so we can mold it to a specific shape, some tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni, and an oven to cook it all in. Think we can assemble these ingredients?"
Louise and Henrietta look confused, while Emily looks like she's trying her best to not start laughing her ass off right then and there.
"Um, yes, we have those readily available I believe," Henrietta says.
"Awesome. Emily, you were a maid, right? Did that include cooking?" I ask.
"Of course! Why do you ask?" She's still trying not to burst into laughter.
"Perfect, I need a wingman. I can't do this on my own. I'd hate to misjudge the oven and burn it all to a crisp."
"Understood, boss!" Emily says with a salute.
"Okay, let's do this!"
*Approximately 45 minutes later*
"... Josh," Louise begins.
"Yes, Louise?" I respond.
"What is this thing sitting on the table?" She says as she points to the center of the table.
I'd like to point out that me, Louise, Emily and Henrietta were currently sitting at a round table that had the food sitting on it. It took a little time, but me and Emily were able to prepare this one holy food. A food known to dwarf all that have come before it. It's name is...
"That, my dear, is a pizza. A food commonly sliced into several... slices, as it is now, and eaten with your hands. A food from my home world that I have longed for since I first arrived here all that time ago. And now I can once again feast upon it's magnificence!"
"It's bread with sauce, melted cheese and meat slices, not the holy grail," Louise points out. "You don't need to speak of it so highly."
"In any case, it at least seems interesting," Henrietta concedes. "Since this was Josh's request and recipe, I believe he should have the first ehem, 'slice,' was it?"
"Yes, and I wouldn't feel right if I ate before royalty, I insist that you go first Henrietta," I say with a slight bow.
"No, it's fine. I insist," Henrietta says.
"Idea!" I shout. "Louise! You have the first slice!" I exclaim.
"Wh-what?!" Louise says in almost alarm. "N-no, I insist, you definitely get the first slice. Please."
Pizza is not the holy grail guys. It doesn't house Angra Mainyu, and there is no reason for you to all be so terrified by it.
"Fine, everyone grab a slice," Emily declares. "The first bite will go to all of us at once! Simple!"
Louise and Henrietta still seem a bit hesitant, but they still nod. And so all four of us grabbed a slice of pizza and got ready to eat it. We all exchange determined glances, then nod in affirmation. As if we heard a silent cue, we all take a bite out of our respective slices. Then a few seconds pass as we let the taste set in.
...
Louise and Henrietta's eyes widen in ecstasy, and I'm almost reduced to tears at the taste I never thought I'd get again. There's another pause of maybe a few seconds... then we all began tearing through the pizza with a ferocity seen only in wild animals that haven't eaten in days. That or a bar full of drunkards. I have heard you can get drunk off of atmosphere alone.
"That slice is mine!" Louise calls out and reaches out for another slice before her hand is slapped away.
"No! Queen's privilege!" Henrietta calls as she tries to go for it.
"No! I saw it first!" Louise reasons.
"Yoink!"
"What!" They both cry out.
Unfortunately due to excessive arguing, neither noticed Emily grab and ingest that piece.
"Th-that was mine, maid!" Louise cries out.
"And that was the last slice," Henrietta mourns, clearly depressed now.
"Ha! Not so!" Emily says as she whips out a second pizza. "I though this might happen so I baked a second one! Try to savor it, this actually is the last one."
"YAY!" The other three people sitting at the table cry in joy.
Unfortunately, as it must go, we were once again left with only one slice left. And once again, Louise and Henrietta were staring each other down, clearly ready to slaughter one another for that pizza.
"Before I see yet another beautiful friendship ruined by who gets the last slice of pizza, I have an idea," I throw out. "Why not, oh I don't know, SHARE that last piece?"
Louise and Henrietta look at me like I'm crazy.
"How do you suppose we do that?" Louise asks, an edge to her voice I've never heard before.
I should have known this was a terrible idea. I've seen more people become evil and friendships ruined then I would care too, all because no one could decide who got the last slice. It's awful.
"Why not just alternate bites?" Emily suggests. "Or you could just both eat it at the same time or something. Whatever keeps you from killing each other."
Louise and Henrietta both open their mouths to protest that terrible idea, then stop and look at each other. Then the last pizza slice. Henrietta then grabs it and holds it up between her and Louise.
"Louise, since you are my dear friend, I would like you to have the first bite," Henrietta says.
"Princess, I will not argue this point with you. Either you take the first bite, or we eat it simultaneously," Louise says determinedly.
"Very well, we shall eat this pizza together then."
And then they both ate the pizza slice at the same time. Not like alternating bites, they literally ate it pretty much in sync. When they finished, they were both blushing mighty fiercely. I doubt it had much to due with the several almost kisses they shared.
"I-in any case, that was a most delicious meal," Henrietta say as she dabs at her mouth with a napkin.
"It might have been the most delicious thing I've ever eaten," Louise agrees.
"Please, that's nothing," I say. "It was good, but nothing like back home. Seriously, New York. Pizza capital of the world. It's even better with the proper drink."
"Right, we didn't have anything to drink, did we?" Emily points out.
"I've got the perfect thing," I say. "It's this sort of fruit punch type of thing. I learned from this one bartender I knew, Desmond. Really nice guy, really good with drinks. Got him to teach me to make that fruit punch thing he made just perfectly. It went with just about anything."
"That sounds delicious," Louise says.
"Indeed," Henrietta says while nodding. "Anyway, now that that is done, we must discuss the matter of your award," Henrietta says while placing her hands on the table. "And don't say the pizza was your reward. A single food, no matter how delicious is not enough for what you've done for this country."
"What? In that case can I just have more food then? I figure if I have enough it'll sort of balance the scale out," I reason.
Henrietta smiles and shakes her head. "I'm afraid I can't do that Joshua. For helping save this kingdom and country, only a reward matching that will suffice."
In that case can I get some pancakes? Those are pretty good too. Following her previous statement, Henrietta gets up and calls someone over. The person called over hands her a sort of cloth bundle that resembles a rolled up cape of some kind. She walks over to me and hands it over.
"Please accept this mantle, and with it the title of chevalier," Henrietta says as I pick up the cape.
Louise seems shocked by the statement, while Emily nods like she saw it coming. As for me? Well...
"Um... Sorry, but that means..." I gesture for someone to fill me in.
"It means you'll practically be a noble!" Louise exclaims.
"No practically about it," Emily says. "It may not be the most prestigious title, but it's still very much a noble's title."
"And that means..." I repeat my earlier gesture.
Louise seems absolutely furious at my stupidity and opens her mouth to yell at me, but Emily beats her to the punch.
"For starters you'll have an annuity of sorts if I'm not mistaken, plus some of the other benefits of nobles. You won't get any land or servants with the title, but you will gain the right to own them, provided you can afford to pay for it. That about right, Anne?"
Henrietta nods, then giggles. "Yes, but who said he wouldn't get any servants with it?"
"Huh?" Louise, Emily and I all ask simultaneously.
Seeing our confusion, Henrietta giggles even harder. "I've already sent the letter to the academy requesting the transfer of Emily from the kitchen staff to serving under Josh."
"WHAT?!" came the cries of three equally confused people.
"A-Anne, you never mentioned that at all," Emily says.
Henrietta laughs again. "I finally have some information you don't, and you expect me to tell you and ruin it?" Henrietta says in a teasing tone.
"Okay, admittedly I'd do the exact same thing," I offer. "But by servant, what exactly do you mean?"
"S-she would have to do whatever you ask of her," Louise says a bit shakily. "Anything, not matter how cruel or demeaning."
"Well that's a negative way to out it, Miss Downer," Emily says with a pout.
"Right, in any case, you're being completely serious here Henrietta?" I ask. She responds with a nod. "I'm honored, truly, but can we do something about the cape? I mean, capes are a bit hazardous, what with their ability to get caught on something. Can I just have like a pin or something? All the honor, none of the cape?"
Henrietta seems confused, but recovers quickly. "I think that can be arranged. So are those your terms? We get you a chevalier pin, you don't have to wear the pin and Emily as a servant and you'll accept being rewarded for your deeds? What say you to that?"
...
Bitchin'.
*Scene Break*
"Now that we're back and all settled, would you mind asking me why on Earth would you try negotiation with the princess to get a worse deal!" Louise asks me once we're all settled down and back in her room at the academy. God, I've missed this place.
"I don't know if I've mentioned this before," partially on account of not knowing what I'm saying and what I'm thinking, "But I hate having the spotlight on me, so to speak. You do big things, people get opinions about you. people get opinions about you, they get expectations. You work to meet those expectations and they get higher, making you work harder until you can't possible meet them anymore. Then, when you fail to meet them, everyone loses faith in you and hates you."
"Maybe it's just me, but I feel that's a kind of cynical outlook on attention," Emily comments as she sits on the bed.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel I have more experience regarding failed attempts to reach expectations then you. ... Where'd that come from? I can tell I'm tired from all that happened today when my brain goes on autopilot like that. Weird thoughts like that tend to just sort of pop out of nowhere. Well, it is pretty late. Which brings up a valuable question that needs to be asked.
"Okay, how are we going to handle sleeping arrangements?" I ask. I mean, Louise and I have been sharing the bed, but now with Emily here as well, how are things going to work?
"Simple," Emily says. "That bed can hold thre-"
"N-no! Ab-absolutely not!" Louise says while whirling her arms around and looking likes she's resisting the urge to explode our new servant. "Th-that's-"
"That's what?" Emily asks with a teasing smile. "Lewd? Shameless? A perfectly acceptable idea? I don't see any other sleeping spots here, after all."
"Good night you two," I say as I quickly curl into a ball on my trusted pile of hay.
"No!" Emily says as she pulls me up by the collar.
"Gah! Help! I'm being mugged by my own maid!"
"Mugged nothing!" That makes no sense! "Josh, you're a noble now! You can't sleep on the floor on a pile of hay!"
"... Why not?" I ask.
At that Emily pauses. "... Gimme a minute, I'm sure I can come up with something. ... A minute's all I need."
*One minute later*
"... Damn. I got nothing," Emily concedes.
"Then can you let go of my jacket? Please?" I ask as nicely as possible.
Emily lets go and continues thinking.
"Got it!" Emily says with a snap of her fingers. "If you sleep on the floor then you and Louise won't be sharing a bed anymore! As a married couple, that's not allowed!"
Louise blushes bright red and starts to yell at Emily. "We're not-" then she trails off as if realizing something. "How would you know that?"
"Huh?" Emily asks. "How would I know what?"
"The fake m-m-m-marriage ceremony," Louise says, the seriousness of her expression betrayed by her utter failure at saying the "m" word. "Let's assume you're not lying about being the best information broker in Halkegnia-"
"I never lie!" Emily argues. "I may not always give out the whole truth, but I never lie!"
"Then how did you know about the m-m-m-marriage ceremony!" Louise says, again being betrayed by her inability to say that word without stumbling over it horribly.
Emily hesitates for a minute, then smiles. "Because you told me."
Louise seems confused. "Huh? What are you talking about maid, I never said a thing about it!"
And probably never would have if it hadn't been brought up.
"Oh, so about a minute ago you didn't just admit to a marriage ceremony existing?" Emily says with a smirk. "Let me explain, so you don't have to sit there confused trying to figure it out. It's simple really. I was curious so I tried a bluff to see if what I suspected could have been true. If it didn't happen, then you two would have just shot it down, but in addition to trying to shoot it down, Louise just admitted it. Ergo, I win, points for me, and we all share a bed, okay?"
That is the logical conclusion to reach of course.
"I honestly don't really care," I say. "I'm just going to take a nap or something now, okay?"
And with that climb into the bed and will myself to fall asleep as soon as possible. It fails miserably and I'm awake to feel two distinct presences lie down on the bed. So this is how things are going to go, is it? Me at the far edge of the bed about to fall off, Louise to my direct right, with Emily on Louise's opposite side? Fine, as long as they don't screw with my sleeping patterns. I pride myself on being able to get up as soon as needed.
*POV Switch: ?*
Dear God this sucks! What am I thinking? Louise would obviously be the dominant one, why one earth did I ever think Anne (Of all people!) would be dominant over her! Disgusted at the quality of my work (not the work itself, just the quality) I place a finger on the touchscreen and slide it over the text to highlight it all. Another quick tap, and everything's deleted.
"Good," I mutter to myself. "Now to write this thing and make it not suck."
As I tap a finger to the virtual keyboard to try again, I'm interrupted.
"Huh? Emily? What are you doing?" A veeeeery sleepy sounding Louise asks me, rubbing her eyes as she sits up.
"Inventing rule 34 in this world by writing erotic fanfiction of you and Anne, why do you ask?"
...
I really need to get over this "talking too much about things I shouldn't when I'm tired."
The sight of Louise simultaneously trying to fight the urge to fall asleep and fight the urge to blush and fight off the urge to hit me or yell out or something was honestly quite hilarious.
"M-m-m-m-m-me and the p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-"
"Yes, you and the princess," If I didn't interrupt, that sentence never would have ended.
"Y-y-y-y-y-you're writing e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-"
"Erotic fanfiction, yes. It's a habit of mine. Wanna read the one I just came up with about you and Tabitha?"
Louise opens her mouth to probably scream something like "ME AND TABITHA?!" but I cover her mouth to keep that from happening.
"Hey, keep it down, there are more sleeping beauties here then you and me," I say with a nod towards Josh.
Louise still seams to be ready to scream her head off, but then she either notices, or realizes two things, and she calms down as she tries processing them.
...
"Oh, right! Sorry," I say as I remove my hand from her mouth. "Were you trying to say something?"
Louise shoots me a glare that's half predatory/half "what the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm afraid I don't recognize one of the words you used. What's 'fanfiction?'"
"Alright, get comfy princess, this could take a few hours."
*Hours later*
"And that about sums it up, any questions?" I ask.
"Yes, you said it would be an hours long lecture, how do you shrink that down to a few minutes?"
*Not quite the hours previously thought to have passed, so much as a few minutes*
"About three years of practice. It came with territory," I respond.
"What territory?" Louise asks.
"The figurative territory of this little beauty," I say as I show off the tablet computer I'm currently holding.
"And what is the... Wait, seriously, what is that thing?" Louise asks, completely and utterly confused.
"Some glass here, a mostly aluminum body, I think the microchips might be silicon-"
"Not what it's made of! ... And I don't even know those last two! What is that actual thing?" Louise asks, clearly unamused.
"Oh, an iPad. A trinket from back home in Toronto."
Louise simply gives me a look. I don't think I need to mention what type of look it was.
"And where, may I ask, is Toronto?"
"No, see, the last 't' is silent, it's pronounced Toronto, not Toronto. Don't worry, everyone gets that one wrong."
"And where, may I ask, is Toronto?" Louise says, putting emphasis on the last "o."
"Much better!" I respond with a smile. "And the answer is Canada. Nice country."
"I've never heard of Canada."
"There's probably a reason for that. Figure it out on your own if you must. I've already spouted far more then I should have. That happens when I'm tired. Ah, well, the story wasn't working out anyway," I say as I power down the device and slip it back into my backpack and lay it down back on the floor.
"Good night," I say as I lie back down and close my eyes.
"Wait," Louise says.
"Ugh, yes?" I say as I sit back up.
"If what I'm thinking is true, then how'd you get here in the first place?" Louise asks, very suspicious. "Josh got here due to my summoning. Wait, let me guess, you're a void familiar, and you were summoned by the pope."
"Close, I was summoned by a turtle. In all seriousness, I mentioned to Josh once that it was an accident. That is not a lie. See, back home I liked stopping by the library to read some books on my little tablet device. Decided to take a shortcut home through subspace, and well... Mom did tell me to be careful with those routes."
"You can store books on that... thing?" Louise asks, clearly having her priorities in order. I nod enthusiastically. "What kind of magic does that thing use?"
"Despite sufficiently advanced tech being indistinguishable from magic, it's pure undiluted SCIENCE!"
"Science!" I hear Josh mutter in his sleep before rolling over. And promptly rolling off the bed and hitting the floor with a thud.
...
"Did he die?" I ask, as Louise and I stare at his unmoving body on the floor.
"I think he woke up long enough to roll off the bed, then hit the floor hard enough to render him unconscious," Louise responds.
"I'd ask if he's all right, but I think he's been through worse. Anyway, in response to your question, it's not magic, it's simply the tech we use back home."
Louise doesn't seem satisfied, or maybe she's just pissed that she doesn't understand the glory of SCIENCE(!) and just doesn't want to show that.
"Still, the most surprising part of that whole thing is that you actually read," ouch. Low blow. You're good at this. "What kind of things do you read anyway?"
At that I have to fight down my urge to start going on a blabbing about things I probably shouldn't.
"I've been reading a lot of the staples, you know? Some Index, some Shakugan no Shana, I recently read the entirety of Zero no Tsukaima-"
"Okay, I think I get it," Louise says as she puts up a hand to get me to stop. "I don't think there's anything else to be gained from this conversation. Just... go to sleep or something."
And with that, Louise turns over, wraps the covers around herself and works on going to sleep. I'd do the same, but she's currently hogging all the blankets. Ah well, it's not that cold out.
*POV Switch: Josh*
"Arrgh."
"What's the matter?" Guiche asks me as we sat at a table, eating some lunch in a scene ripped out of every school life anime ever.
"My face hurts. My body hurts. I just kind of hurt in general. Falling off the bed onto a hardwood floor isn't pleasant," I say as I rest my head on the table.
"You fell onto the floor?"
"I'd rather not talk about it. Let's talk about something completely different and change the subject. Like, did I miss the welcome back party, or does no one care about us? I can't remember which, too much head trauma."
"You honestly can't remember how happy my beautiful flower Montmorency and I were to see you and Louise both unharmed?" Guiche asks as he flourishes his rose. "Why, even Verdandi-"
"Okay, that I remember. On the scale of excruciating pain, being body slammed and hugged by that mole just outranked fighting an army, and came up just short of rolling onto a hardwood floor."
"How dare you insult my beautiful Verdandi!" Guiche says, completely aghast at my complaining.
"I retain the right to free speech, that applies to talking about moles. Anyway, time at the academy has been rather boring as of late. Isn't there anything interesting going on? Like a contest, or a dance, or a death battle?"
Guiche hesitates when I mention the last one, then chuckles nervously as he prays that it was just a joke.
"W-well, I do believe a ball is coming up, the Slepneir Ball as a matter of fact!"
"Indulge me. What the hell's a Slepneir, and is it in any way important?"
"You see-"
"-and it was a huge ship! Easily several hundred yards!"
"Ah, but aren't you terrible at estimating measurements?"
I can empathize. I feel for you, nameless guy who sucks at measurements. Still, the conversation intrigued me, so I listened in a bit more. Apparently rumors of some large ship or whatever being spotted flying around. Apparently it was huge, and kind of noisy. Interesting. I'm sure that won't serve as a plot point later on.
"Ahem," Guiche says as he clears his throat to get my attention.
"Yessir?" I say as I direct my gaze towards him, without lifting my head from the table.
"Were you listening to a thing I said?"
"Of course. The Slepnier Ball is a masquerade ball in that all who visit are requested, but not required, to use a magic mirror at the interest to turn into either whoever you hold dearest in your heart, or someone of your choosing. The ball is then held with not a single person having an idea as to who is actually who, removing all social stigmas or personal grudges. That about right?"
Guiche seems both surprised and impressed. "... Yes, that's exactly right. How'd you know? You seemed much more interested in those rumors about the ship."
I shrug. "I've always been pretty good at both multitasking and eavesdropping. Just an application of both of those skills. Now here's my question Guiche. Who do you plan to go as?"
At this, Guiche smiles, stands up, and strikes a pose with his rose. "Why, I shall go as my ideal self. Me! Ah, because I am the most handsome one in the world! Everyone will change into my appearance, of course!"
Well if anyone's going to view you as an ideal person, it's not for your ego, sir Narcissis.
In any case, hmmm. This mirror seams pretty interesting. I mean, being able to change your appearance with a thought or two? What if you could make it so that all you do is get a snappy new outfit? Come to think of it, when magical girls transform and don new outfits, is that kind of like this?
*Scene Break*
I. Hate. Everything. Everything, magical girls in particular. Next time I run into an object that can change your appearance with a random stray thought, I'm skipping it. I've never exactly had the desire to turn into Homura.
And as such, to escape the homuhomu admirers that appeared by the truckload at that Slepnier ball, I was forced to flee. I really want to say that's a point for me, but it's really more of a mark of how attractive people find Homura. Personally I always preferred Kyoko.
In either case, Operation Abscond was successful, and I was able to flee to the courtyard. Either because I was out of range or maybe the mirror broke or something, I was wearing pants again. I will not miss wearing that magical girl outfit.
Interestingly enough, I was not alone in the courtyard. Tabitha was there, sitting on a bench reading a book.
"Not one for parties?" I asked her.
She responds by shaking her head, and not lifting her eyes from the book.
"Me neither, quite honestly."
The one sided conversation might have continued for a bit longer, but I was slightly distracted by the sound of something flying overhead. If it wasn't the middle of the night, or damn close to it, I probably could have told you what exactly it was.
"Okay, it looks like a... Bird? No, too large. Some kind of dinosaur? Heh, I wish. Maybe a-"
"Golem," Tabitha mentions, finally looking away from her book and standing up.
That was gonna be my fifth guess. I guess those glasses aren't just for show.
"Really? A golem? Huh. Neat. You don't see many of those. I mean, there was Guiche's golems, and Sheffield had some golems, but those were, like, months apart, weren't they?"
Damn, it's breezy out tonight. Is it ever this windy at the academy? Oh hey, the golem's landing. I'm unsurprised to see that it's Sheffield on it.
"I'll be honest, I'm not sure if you being alive at the moment is a mark to your skill, or a mark against the girl that she can't hit a stationary target."
?
I turn and look at Tabitha, and notice that she currently has some icicles floating behind her, with the pointy end at me. Wait, were those being fired at me?
Tabitha waves her Shepard's staff and three of them go flying in my direction. Shit! Those aren't going to miss! Dodge!
And so I did.
"Wh-what the hell! What was that for? No, not you Tabitha, I'm asking Sheffield because it's clearly her fault! What the hell's going on!"
Sheffield grins. "You see-"
"Wait, hold that. I'm gonna guess and you tell me how right I am. Gimme a minute."
Sheffield chuckles and steps off her flying golem onto steady ground. "This should be interesting. Stand down girl, I want to see where he goes with this."
Tabitha lowers her staff, then looks at me, as if expecting a good show. Okay, deduction mode on!
"Firstly, I don't mean to sound presumptuous, if I'm using that word correctly, but I'd like to assume that me and Tabitha are on good enough terms that she would never try to kill me of her own free will. As such, there are two options, a direct order slash blackmail of sorts, or mind control, the latter of which you've proven yourself capable of with that Ring of Andvarri. Oh, and don't bother reaching into your pocket to take and try to use the ring, I've already took it when you weren't paying attention."
Sheffield seems both confused and shocked as all hell, and she instantly reaches into her pocket in a hurry.
"So that's where the pockets on that dress are," I mutter.
"You liar!" Sheffield says. "The ring is right here!" She says as she holds out the aforementioned ring. Or rather, tries too. "Huh?"
"Honestly speaking, did you really think my pickpocketing level is high enough to steal it from you like that? No, but taking it from your hand as you stupidly hold it out is much easier," I remark as I toss the ring into the air and catch it. "Tabitha, think fast."
I toss the ring to Tabitha, and she catches it. She stares down at the ring sitting in her open palm.
"Why would you get rid of the ring right after you got it!" Sheffield says, close to pulling her hair out.
I shrug. "At the end of the day er... Night, in all scenarios, Tabitha's making it out alive. Say she kills me. Then that whole distracting you into pulling the ring out was pointless. Tabitha, you mind doing me a favor?"
Tabitha looks up from the ring to me. She doesn't say anything, which I take as a sign to continue.
"You mind taking that to the water spirit? She mentioned it being valuable to her, and you can get there quicker then I can. Please?"
Tabitha says nothing, then silently slips the ring into her shirt pocket. Not sure whether to take that as a yes or no.
"In any case, shall I continue my deduction, or shall I trick you into handing me some more of your magical artifacts?"
Sheffield looks ready to slap me, but then takes a deep breath and calms down. "Do whatever, and the ring's useless, all it's energy was used up at Albion. Just wrap this up quickly. This night's already way off the plan."
Sucks about the ring. The Water Spirit won't be happy. Or maybe she can fix it, I don't know.
"Killjoy," I mutter. "Fine. King Joseph of Gallia is their resident void mage, you're his familiar, and he ordered Tabitha to kill me, probably at your request because we didn't part on good terms last time, sound about right?"
Sheffield doesn't say anything, so Tabitha nods in her stead. Thank you. At least some people remember proper manners.
"Well, let's get this over with," I say as I turn to Tabitha.
Tabitha doesn't really seem to move, but I can still see an air of, "What?" Coming off of her.
"Look, normally I'd say something like, 'I won't go down without a fight!' Or something like that, but lets put the points on the board. You: an awesome stoic badass mage with all sorts of magic spells I don't even know of, giving you the element of surprise upon just having more battle experience. Me: a guy who can only function kind of properly with a sword, which I don't currently have. I'd say the odds are kind of stacked against me."
Sheffield pouts. "And here I was hoping for a show. How boring."
I feign annoyance and roll my eyes. "Ugh, fine. God, some crowds."
And with that I proceeded to catch the icicle Tabitha had fired at my face. ...
"Holy shit, that was close," I mutter as I examine the approximate two inches between the pointy tip and my face.
Tabitha waves he staff, and some air near her solidifies into another sharp slab of ice. Another subtle twitch, and the pointy ice flies in my direction. I give the ice in my hand a swing, and the two collide, creating the sharp sound of something shattering to pieces. Sadly, the resulting collision destroyed my ice stick, as well as Tabitha's ice stick. Good in that I'm not presently in danger of getting spontaneously shanked by ice, but that won't last long, sadly.
"Why not give that another shot, but with like, a freaking wall of ice sticks or some thing," I offer.
Tabitha nods and taps the ground with her stick, casting Ice of Babylon, as a small army of ice sticks appear behind her. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn everything, why'd I suggest that?
"Go," Tabitha says, pointing her staff at me, and the icicles fire like a belt of machine guns.
Okay, I've trained my whole life for this! I didn't watch the UBW movie 76 times and fought Chakravartin to perfection with the mortal gauge equipped for northing! I knew this day would come and prepared accordingly!
As the first wave of ice approaches, I contort myself to fit myself into a small gap. A few more shoot towards me, and I roll to the left. Another is about to hit where the roll deposited me, so I jump back, then hit the floor, and a few more pass over me.
Oh **** this. I push myself back to a rightful standing position. Two more icicles fly towards me, and I grab them out of the sky. Alright, Shirou-style! Deflect icicles with more icicles!
The final volley of icicles launches, all of them centered of trying to run me through. As they approach I tighten my grip on the icicles I'm currently wielding. As the first few approach I start swinging at them, intent on using my ice to deflect her ice. Battle of ice! Let's go!
It worked for longer then I anticipated, meaning it worked at all. Of course, the whole deflection thing works better when they're not moving at light speed, so I still got a few cuts and scrapes here and there, but no unsightly stabbings, so no complaining there. At the end of the assault, I was breathing heavily, due to the exertion needed to keep yourself from being stabbed 100 times over. I drop the two ice sticks I was using to the ground, where they shatter and litter the floor.
"Anything else?" Please say no.
Tabitha nods, but does nothing else, filling me with intense fear. Luckily I have my instinct is probably rank A++, considering before I knew it I had already thrown myself forward onto the ground, narrowly dodging the 3 icicles that were each around twice as large as the average human.
I took the time to look up and see Tabitha standing over me, then look back at the ground slightly hurriedly. Striped? I expected plain white. Oh, and there was one last icicle, again twice as big as a human, maybe more, pretty much right over me. I try to get up, I get stabbed. I try to roll left or right, I probably won't make it far. Well, it was a good run up to this point. My only wish is to be reincarnated as a penguin. I like penguins.
Aaaaand, nothing was happening. Why?
"Tabitha, I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, but why am I still able to converse with the realm of the living?"
Oh, this must be the whole, "I might consider letting you live if your plea is satisfactory." Well, let's see, I haven't really talked to or known you very well, though to be fair the two or three times I tried to start a conversation they were far too one sided, I haven't given you any reasons to spare me... Oh! I haven't given you any reasons to not not kill me! That should get me some points, right?
"What are you waiting for, kill him already!" Sheffield says.
Yes, please hurry, the icicle is melting onto me. It's cold, and the suspense is killing me. Ah, sorry, my mistake. It's not the suspense as much as the suspended icicle that'll be killing me.
"If I may make one last plea for life, I'd just like to say that I don't think I've done anything to make you want to kill me. So, if you let me live, we can spend some more time together and give you all sorts of reasons not to kill me!"
Worst reasoning I've ever come up with. Still, Tabitha's nice, right? Considering I was still facedown in the dirt, I honestly don't even know if Tabitha could make out what I said, nor could I see if she was about to ice me, which is very annoying.
A few agonizing seconds of silence...
*tap*
OHGODIMGONNADIEIMGONNADIEIMG ONNA-
The icicle made a swoooooosh sound as it sailed through the air, then there was the sound of it colliding with stone, followed by a shatter.
Wait.
Stone?
I roll over onto my back, and look towards where the sound came from, and see the golem shielding Sheffield. I jump to my feet, grab Tabitha's hand and start shaking it up and down in joy.
"Thank you I thought I was dead there! I'll be sure to make it up to you!"
Ah, you never know how much you fear death until a good friend is pointing it in your face. Or at your back. Eh, potato, tomato.
"Please let go," Tabitha says while look at Sheffield.
"Right, sorry. So, we're good?"
Tabitha nods.
"Awesome. Like I promised, I'll relay the debt and give you plenty more reasons not to kill me. Mark my words."
"Marked," She says quietly.
"You little," Sheffield growls. "You dare betray us? Like a dog betraying its master?"
Ouch. Low blow.
"I never swore loyalty to you or Joseph," Tabitha responds. "Never."
Holy shit, Tabitha's awesome.
"I will report your treachery to Joseph at once," Sheffield says.
"Do as you wish. It doesn't bother me," Tabitha says cooly.
"You'll be punished most severely. Even I don't know what he'll do with you."
"I have no reason to be afraid of such threats."
Soooooo coooool.
"Tch," Sheffield says with a click of her tongue. Or maybe that was the tongue click. "My business here is done."
With that sentence, Sheffield mounts her golem and begins flying away.
"Should we... I dunno, go after her?" I ask. "I think we should give some kind of pursuit."
Tabitha shakes her head, and then points to the sky. "No need. They will handle it."
Awesome. Good to know I wasn't the only one with faith in the pigeons. No. Wait. What's that sound? Sounds like... A propellor. Why would a propell-oh Shit!
Suddenly, a giant freaking ship came right the **** out of nowhere and flew in! It was freaking huge! I was this giant freaking ship loaded with propellors and cannons and BOOM! Ahhh. I'm so happy right now.
Sheffield noticed the ship, and proceeded to do that "marbles become golem army," thing, only this time the golems could fly and were heading for the ship. Only to get blown away by the giant cannon! YES! SUPERIOR FIREPOWER!
Sheffield notices that her golems are doing jack shit, with Jack about to leave town, and sent more golems. Most people would be, "It worked so well the first time, let's keep trying that!" Still, it's also obvious she's not making a serious attempt, she's just trying to create a sort of shield/diversion to get herself out of there in one piece instead of ludicrous gibs.
"That may have just made my day," and more then made up for the Homura incident. I think to myself as I try to kill the smile I can't get off my face. "Any idea who came to save us?"
Tabitha nods, then puts two fingers to her mouth and whistles. Slyphid proceed to land by us, and rub her/his head against Tabitha. Tabitha pets Slyphid a little, then hops on her/his back. Then she stays there. Eventually it occurs to me that she's basically inviting me to get on.
"You wanted to know who was helping with that thing, so let's go show you in person," is basically what she's saying. I get it.
With that established, I also hop on Slyphid's back. Slyphid then proceeds to achieve liftoff and head towards the ship.
"Quick question. I'm not privy enough about dragons to tell from a glance. I was wondering, is Slyphid a boy or a girl?"
After I voiced that thought, Slyphid turn its head and glared at me. I can already practically hear the, "It's so obvious, how can't you tell you idiot!"
"Girl," Tabitha answers.
"Ah. Sorry Slyphid."
Slyphid huffs and returns her focus to the flying. Eventually we reach the ship and dock, me and Tabitha sliding off Slyphid's back.
"Excuse me!" I yell. "May I enquire as the to name by which the captain of the fantastic vessel goes by?"
"Certainly," a familiar voice says, before coming into view.
Hey I know you!
"Profesor Jean Colbert, at your service, Mr. Springfield," Mr. Colbert says.
Okay, should've seen that one coming.
"So you went and made a ship in your leave of absence? I can respect that," I say while nodding.
Mr. Colbert was about to say something, but is interrupted when Kirche pops up right outta nowhere.
"Yes, my Jean is magnificent, isn't he?"
"Ms. Zerbst, now is hardly the time or place, nor will it ever be," Colbert says as he tries to scoot away from her. Unsuccessfully, I might add, as she too is capable of the movement known to some as scooting.
"You know what? I'm not even going to bother asking," I'll just bask in the joy that Kirche is now after someone else to have her... Ahem, "playtime" with. Girl's a hell of a poker player. She did good at knocking Louise out of the game. She's lucky we were only playing down to underwear and not any further. Then again maybe I'm the lucky one in that regard.
"In the meantime, anyone know a good spot to land? I don't think the courtyard would like being crushed by a few several tons of metal," I point out.
*Author Notes*
Uncreative: I honestly can't think of much to say about this chapter.
Josh: Awesome. Hmmm. Let's start with Emily.
Uncreative: Right, of course. Let me just say that no, I did not write up a draft of whatever Emily was writing. I considered it, but I never wrote it. Semi reversed for the ball. Originally I was including a scene at the Slepnier ball, but it just didn't work the way I would have liked. As such, it got the cut.
Josh: Right. I was kind of referring to the whole "Emily's really from Earth," thing.
Uncreative: Oh, that. Not much to say about it really. It was always just a thing I thought would be neat. The fact that she's read the original light novels came a bit later, as did the information broker business.
Josh: How's her thing even run? It's been three years, and I kind of doubt she only powered it up for the first time in this chapter.
Uncreative: She modified it to make it solar powered. It'll never run out of battery.
Josh: Really.
Uncreative: Why not?
Josh: Either way, I think we're about done here.
Uncreative: See you next time.
