"I know lunch is far more exciting when you are in the cafeteria isn't it?"

Helga's mouth quirked a bit at Dr Bliss's sense of humor. It was the day after her breakdown and rather then head to her office, Dr Bliss came to the school to chat with her. Right now Helga was trying to munch on her sandwich as the tried to remain not so gross doing it. You know, the possibility of lip smacking or being a slob while eating in front of a dignified person, kind of deal.

"Oh yeah. The smells and the cheerleader talk always does it for me doc." Helga shot back with a slight wink. "Mostly cafeteria food smells like a chicken coop at times."

Dr Bliss's head jerked at that disgusting image. "Hmmm. Tell me more about yesterday. I know you told me about those drawings Arnold did for you, is there anything more?"

Shyly, Helga's just turned completely red as she started to pick her sandwich. "Maybe."

The dragging out of that word clued her in that there were a lot of details she hadn't spoke of yet. "Would you care to share them with me?"

She knew she had to. Knew it was part of her recovery. "There is." Studying the mostly unused office, Helga took in a deep breath. "I kissed him a lot. I also had this urge for him to touch me."

Dr Bliss paused over her notebook to listen to her. To stop for a question would result in Helga pulling back.

"I placed his hand on my breast just to feel something good." Releases a short expanse of air. "I trust him. Love him. I just wanted to feel his hands on me when all I felt that night and in the bathroom was that assholes. I didn't panic."

"Mmm hmmm."

"We stopped for a bit because we were interrupted by, Gertie to ask about pizza." Somehow she felt like she was doing something bad though, Helga knew that she was listening to her. "After pizza and us watching a movie, well I took off my bra. He didn't just grab me, I guided him to touch me again, and we went further. We mostly did that and one other thing. I took his pants off." Hesitating, Helga felt like she was sweating. "Of course it is daunting to see a penis. Well for me it is as much as it is his penis. First I touched him through his boxers and then I took them off. I didn't scream or anything of the such. We talked and he did ask if he could be my boyfriend to which I answered yes."

Examining her patient, Bliss did note her being very nervous naturally on telling this to her, but it was a different type of state of hesitancy. "Were there any thoughts as it was happening?"

"I mostly had this one thought. Am I being healthy with myself by pushing it? Will this manifest itself to the point of me rushing myself into something far more disturbing? I trust Arnold's thoughts. It is me that wasn't sure."

Clasping her hands together, Bliss leaned back in her chair to place her hands on her lap. "When this all was happening, did you not like it truthfully?"

Glancing down to her feet, Helga twisted them some. "Actually him touching me felt exhilarating. Even touching him felt the same. I am just worried that I'm rushing myself."

Raising her well manicured hand up, Bliss smiled with the utmost sincerity. "You are one of the lucky few who has friends that support her. Also family. You have a boyfriend that you can trust and loves you back very deeply. True you'll have setbacks and you have a long road ahead of you. Some who don't have all of that take a far more longer road into another relationship. There are some that are so extreme that they rush into something with someone who doesn't care a lick about them. Those are also the ones that don't often have people who care for them."

A thought sprang up as she told her all of that. "I won't ask about anything more, but has Roxie called you?"

"Indeed she has. I had one session at her home already. She really is a lovely young lady. It is good that you care enough to ask."

"I want her better too. Thanks for seeing her."

It was never a problem for her to do those things. "She is one of them that will take a long time to heal. You are a very caring young lady."

Almost guffawing at that last remark since no one dared think that years ago. "I'll visit her in the hospital next weekend."

"I'm sure she'll like that. Also Helga, the ones that rush themselves are the ones who have that nervousness as a whole. You are pretty certain of your feelings. It is only a part of you that is scared. I believe you are mostly scared of losing him."

Watching how she was fiddling with the tip of her pen, Helga could only give her a sly sideways smile. That woman should stop being so brilliant half the time so the rest of them could catch up.


When it came to going out with Arnold later on, Helga thought to wear a dress instead of pants knowing where he was taking her. She hadn't wore a skirt or a dress since that day always opting to be completely covered up, and appear unattractive. Not like she thinks she is attractive. She never thought that finding the attention of males weird even now.

When Arnold was at the door he was wearing a dark suit leaving her a little breathless. Also it continued to leave her that way as he drove to the restaurant that was the scene of their now infamous Valentines date all those many years ago now. Being brought in, they were showed the same table they sat at then. Helga wasn't surprised when he pulled her chair out for her to help her sit. Her consummate gentleman.

Arnold loved the fact she was wearing a dress. She wasn't wearing a colorful dress, but a black one. It was rather strange for him to see, but lately all her clothes she was dressing in were dark in nature. "You look beautiful tonight."

Blushing, Helga could only smile at that compliment before she told him her observations. "You aren't used to me dressing in such drab colors. You are use to me in pink mostly."

Eyes shooting wide open he knew not to deny it. "True, but I'm certain it is because of what happened."

"Yeah. I'd rather remain unnoticed by the opposite sex pretty much. You are an exception of course, but other than that, I wouldn't mind the cloak of invisibility." Watching him fidget with his water glass, Helga reached out to touch his hand. "Regretting this?"

Taking her hand in his, Arnold shook his head as his jaw was set to make sure she listens. "Never and I understand why you need to ask this question, but Helga I told you that I am firm in my decision to be with you. What I was thinking was this; I wish I could invent a time machine that could let us go back in time to stop that thing from ever happening to you. I just want you to stop hurting so much. This is what I was thinking."

Wanting to say something they were interrupted by a greying waiter asking them what they wished to have. Embarrassed they both told him that they hadn't the time to look over the menu just yet. Hearing a very audible sniff in the air from him the waiter vanished. "I guess he loves his job so much here that he can't leave it."

Snickering as silently as possible, Arnold failed when he snorted out. "He does provide that perfect ambiance for a French restaurant."

"Too true, Monsieur. Nose in the air. The haughty attitude. I bet he stuffs the smelly cheese on his person too." Winking at him, Helga enjoyed his not so silent giggling as they both raised up their menus. "Arnold, it really is a nice sentiment. I love you for it."

After ordering, they chatted some more as the food arrived, and they ate. Helga enjoyed his company. She informed him next week she'll visit Roxie in the hospital. She won't invite him with her since Roxie might be unhappy by it. She wanted Roxie to feel better too.

After dinner ended, they were driving for a pretty long time making Helga wonder where he was taking her. Seeing the old FTi building that was now a hotel, Helga and him went inside to head up to the balcony where she confessed her love to him when they were nine. Helga's heart was going off as they went through the door and she literally heard his younger voice calling out to her as her alias. Then she heard her highly passionate confession to him. Wandering to the very spot she landed on her behind, Helga leaned against it.

"This takes me back." She breathed out as she looked over the landscape which was far more done up now than before.

Arnold loved watching the breeze play with her hair. Loved how she sounded right now. "If you confess to me all over again, I guarantee you that I won't duck that kiss."

He sounded so adorable as she turned towards him. "Oh kiss me you big lug." Helga spoke in a far more seductive tone.

Closing the gap, Arnold pressed her against him. "Whatever you say Helga."

"Exactly. Whatever I say, Arnoldo." Feeling his lips pressing against her, Helga fell into him more.

Man he should of kissed her back then too. Arnold was filled with regrets of all the things he should of done with her. When he realized his feelings he should of said something right from the start. She never would of been raped. Well maybe it would of happened if they still made her go to that school. Damn, he hated not having her around in the same building as him. She made life exciting even if she was just sitting in one position. Those facial expressions she offered always held such a promise of more. The more that always ended up with more exciting things. He stopped minding the arguments a long while back. Helga always had such a way of jump starting his brain.

Pulling away from her slightly, Arnold rested his forehead against hers. "I really should of kissed you back then."

Helga could only giggle back. At least this other part of her dreams came true. It is still horrible in how she lost the one thing she wanted to share with him. Feeling moisture tick her eyes, Helga went back to kissing him. At least he gets her heart. No one stole that away from her.

On the way back home, Arnold noticed she was quiet again. He tried to touch her, but she shrank away. "Helga you know you can't hide whatever it is that is on your mind."

"He was in the lobby checking in with a girl."

Her voice was so low that he had to strain his ears to listen. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I felt that memory again." Maybe getting into a relationship was too soon.

"My angel." Was all he could say for the moment when he felt her thoughts. "You are regretting this, aren't you?"

Closing her eyes, Helga was letting him down. "I love you so much Arnold, but I'm not being fair here. I have such a long road ahead of me."

"You know you aren't letting me go that easily."

Helga smiled just a little as she requested that he pull over. Finding themselves at some type of look out point, Helga moved closer to him to straddle him just to wrap her arms around him. He might find someone not so damaged to deal with. She couldn't be selfish even if she wanted to. This was being done with such a heavy heart.

"I love you so much, Helga." Arnold wanted to cry himself, but he couldn't. She was probably thinking that he will find someone. That is very hard to do when you know the perfect person for you is right there. He'll wait. There are some things that was worth the wait. Feeling her tears, Arnold continued to comfort her.


"So you broke it off with him just when you got together. I know what you are thinking, Helga, and it is the right thing to do for now." Phoebe comforted her the next day. "Are you afraid he'll find someone else?"

"Naturally I am, but I don't want him to deal with so much of this. Will it hurt me to see? Yes. I love him so much and I would do so much for him. I know he would for me too. The thing is, as much as I see his support, and see his strength, I see him hurting so much inside." Brushing her finger along the windowsill she knew her frown was much bigger than before.

"As your friend he'll still be in that boat. Didn't you think about that?"

"Yes so that is why I'm so confused. I hate how my mind has become. I thought I was unsure of so much before, but now it makes me want to scream everyday. How am I living when I still feel so dead?" There was that question being brought forth. She still felt so dead inside in spite of the love she feels for one guy.


A/N: Triggers suck. She isn't being a tease and she isn't being selfish. You often go back and forth in this whole deal.