Issey flipped on the light and dumped her suitcase by the door. "C'mon in guys."
Chris and Darren filed into her apartment behind her. She rolled her neck and sighed. "I slept awkward on the plane. Jim said he was sending someone over to put some food and stuff in kitchen. Anyone hungry or anything?"
"You should have some milk, where's the kitchen?" Chris looked around. It felt strange to only now be seeing the apartment of the woman he was so intimately involved with. He felt like he knew her so well but here he felt like a stranger. She'd come into his house and fit as if she had always been there, but here he didn't know where to stand or what to do. It didn't help that he was sharing the experience of seeing her home for the first time with Darren.
They'd taken a late flight to Boston after the Sunday night show. It was only a 2 hour flight but now it was 3:30 AM and everyone was more ready for sleep than anything else. They had to be at the first doctor appointment by 8:30 am. Is didn't even know if there was gas in her car, she couldn't remember the last time she'd driven it. She refused the milk and no one else wanted anything so she showed Darren to the guest room. "If you need anything feel free to poke around until you find it."
He hugged her lightly, Chris's eyes on them. "Get some sleep, don't worry about me."
Darren shut his door and Issey went to her room, "We're in here. "
Chris stifled a yawn, "You want me to get your bag?"
"Nah, I'm too tired to deal with it tonight. I just want to collapse." She pulled off her clothes and climbed into her bed. Chris did the same, sliding in next to her.
He lay on his back in the dark, sticking to his own side of the bed. "This isn't really how I imagined seeing your place for the first time."
"Not my ideal either but I'm glad you're here. I would have told you I was fine to come do this alone if I had to but I'd have been lying."
He reached out and found her hand. "I hate when you do that.
"It's habit, I can't help it. I'm used to being on my own."
He stroked his thumb over her hand, "You aren't anymore."
She curled around him and kissed his shoulder, "I know, thank you."
"It's going to be okay tomorrow."
"Today."
"God."
They were quiet long enough to have fallen asleep when Chris whispered, "I love you."
She didn't answer but lifted her head to kiss his lips and let herself drift off.
Darren didn't sleep. He stood at the window trying to make out the shadows of the buildings and cars in the back of her apartment house. He wanted to memorize the trees, the rooftops, the way the moonlight fell on the fence behind the trash bin. Pulling out his iPad he began to write, it was simply a stream of consciousness.
"The shadows move in patterns of moonlight through a gigantic elm that has no doubt lived here longer than anyone else. I wish I could ask it if she ever comes and sits beneath it on warm summer days, her laughter carrying on a breeze. I wish I could be that tree standing guard over her home, over her heart, keeping her sheltered and safe.
I want to know what her life looks like without us in it. I want to see the sun rise as she would, were she here all alone, without the burden of him, and me, and the little one. Not that the little one is really a burden but…fuck it, yes, for her it is, for all of us it is. It's impossible because as much as we want it we're three adults terrified of this teeny speck of a human.
It's near impossible to sit here and not wander her apartment. I can't stop thinking about how things could have been different. I'd have talked her into showing me her entire collection of music, into telling me the story of her favorite albums, tapes and cd's. I want to go and search for the gamelan cd's and see if she remembers our conversation. Bad idea. That was the first time we talked about her coming to my apartment, the beginning of the end.
If I hadn't had her there, if I had been honest from the beginning, if I hadn't felt so torn between her and Mia she wouldn't be in there right now, lying next to him. He can pretend all he wants but I see how he gravitates toward Adam. I see the way he looks at him when he thinks no one notices. I won't tell her, I can't tell if it's right or wrong to keep it to myself but she won't believe me. And what if I'm wrong, what if I only want to see his gaze lingering on another guy, just to prove to myself that he's the villain, that he's going to hurt her and allow me to put her back together.
She wouldn't though. Not even if Chris did that, she wouldn't let me back in. She'd hide herself from all of us. I know she would. This is hopeless. I hate him for touching her, for the way she looks at him, for the way she leans on him. I want to punch him in his pretty little face but I can't. Getting on that stage every night and pretending to be in love with him while he preens and poses makes me want to kick his teeth down his golden throat. Fuck him. He sat and waited and bided his time just waiting to sneak her away from me.
No, too easy, he was there for her when I fucked everything up with my lies. Poor Mia, caught in all of this, she deserves so much better, they both do. Maybe I should be happy Issey ended up with Chris, I'm not good enough.
Shit. It's late. I hate being this maudlin, I hate being jealous, I hate this feeling in my muscles that won't relax because they need to lash out, to punish this thing that's making me so miserable.
You can't punch cancer. You can't kick fear in the teeth. She has to be okay. These doctors have to tell us that she's going to be fine, that the little one is going to be fine. I'll take all the agony of watching her fall deeper in love with him as long as she and the baby are healthy.
I'll be sick. Let me be sick. I'll make myself sick, just please leave her alone. I was the one who was cheating. I was the one who didn't tell the truth, how can she be punished for it?
Just let it be me instead."
Closing the laptop with shaking hands Darren jumped a little when he heard a noise in the kitchen. Hoping to get a chance to be alone with her for even just a few minutes he leapt to his feet and quietly padded through the darkness.
"She has no alcohol, juice, milk, coffee or tea?" Chris didn't even turn from the fridge to see who it was, he knew.
Darren wasn't as disappointed as one might expect. Chris was looking beat. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was wrecked and his voice hoarse. "What are you having?"
"Diet coke, but if you want something hot I'll make it."
"Milk, thanks." Darren didn't need to watch Chris make himself at home in Issey's kitchen. "She asleep?"
Chris nodded as he set the milk in front of Darren. "She's out. I don't know how she can be. She's scared but almost as soon as we got into bed she was snoring. What about you? Can't sleep?"
He shook his head and sat at the table. "I know the odds are she's fine but I can't help worrying."
Chris popped the top on his can and sat across from him. "I was sure it was nothing until they wanted to see her so soon. It couldn't even wait two weeks?" He took a long pull from the can and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I don't like how they rushed this. I've tried to come up with excuses why they might want to see her sooner partially to keep her calm but for me too. I'm losing my mind with this."
"Powerless. I hate how powerless I feel."
"Yes! Exactly! I want something I can reason with, something I talk our way out of."
"I want to hit something."
"Me probably."
"Sometimes." Darren smiled in his direction to show he wasn't trying to be a jerk.
"Right back at you. Wouldn't help though. You aren't the enemy and neither am I."
"Should you get back to her? Will she wake up if you aren't there?" Darren looked back toward the bedroom.
"She's used to me sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night."
"Geez I'd get up to take whiz and she'd wake right up."
"Not a conversation I'm having with you Darren." Chris chugged his soda and stood. I'm going to try to get a few hours' sleep. You should too."
When he crawled back into bed he thought she was sleeping with her back to him but then she spoke. "Chris?"
"Mmm." Her bed was comfortable and he was happy to settle into it.
"Can we talk about something?"
He felt his stomach tighten. No conversation that starts this way is ever what you want to hear. "Sure honey, what is it?"
"In the shower the other day."
"I'm so sorry about that."
"I know, but I want to know, what was it that stopped you? I mean, was it the thought of the baby, that it might be Darren's? Was it that you're upset with me because of that or disgusted because of what that means…"
Chris put his hand on her stomach, spooning himself against her. "Of course not, it's none of that, I can't believe that's what you thought."
"Then what?"
"It was the bubble. I went for your breast and it felt like I shouldn't, like it should be off limits until we know what's wrong. I don't want to make anything worse, and as soon as you saw me back off you got so mad, everything crashed after that."
"So it wasn't that you don't find me attractive anymore."
He breathed warm air across her neck as he answered, "I will always, always find you sexy."
"I don't want to sleep."
"No?"
"No."
"You want to go for a walk?" he asked as he slid his hand down to her hip.
"No." she reached back and ran her fingers through his hair.
He traced the back of her ear with the tip of his tongue, "For a drive?"
She rolled to her back, "uh-uh"
"Watch a movie?" he asked as he mouthed at her jawline.
She giggled, "Stop, hey, do something for me?" she ran her fingers across his face.
"Anything."
"Don't shave tomorrow?"
"It won't make much difference."
"You say that but I can feel the stubble, just one day. Please?"
"Will it make you happy?" he punctuated each word with a kiss along her collarbone.
"It will."
"Then fine, but don't be disappointed when I'm not exactly a beatnik like Darren in the morning."
"He's more Bohemian than beatnik but I don't want you to be anything like him, I just like it when you're a little messy."
"You're crazy, but you're cute. We doing this?"
"You want to?"
His answer was to grind slowly into her side, his interest in 'doing this' plenty evident.
They moved together, starting a rhythm but Chris seemed to be holding back. She bit his lip hard, "Stop treating me like I'm broken. I miss how it was. Make me scream until we wake up the neighbors."
