A/N: Alright, guys, so this chapter is a little shorter. I was going to keep it going, but I really like the way this whole scene works on its own. Also, I have to say, I did not mean for Peyton's reaction to the cheating revelation to be so cryptic. The only reason the whole 'Monday' comment was in there was so Peyton could confirm how recent this revelation had been. Sorry if it was more ambiguous than I meant it to be, but I think it will all become apparent really soon. Anyway, I'd love reviews for this chapter, because I really am pleased with how the conversation went. Let me know what you think!
Oh, and I also have to make a quick plug for this song. I was actually planning to use it later on, but I was listening to it the whole time I wrote this chapter (and when I edited it) and I just couldn't separate them after awhile. The song is so heartbreaking and gorgeous, and if you haven't heard it you should. It was the soundtrack for this scene in my head. (And to watchxxthexsky, Andrew McMahon is absolutely my favorite songwriter ever, as well. I was at a Jack's concert last week and am on a total Andrew kick…)
Sorry to ramble. Without further ado…
Chapter Eleven
I
wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart
Like
the pieces of my heart
And globes and maps are all around me now
I
wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you
here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they charter
your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?
Globes and Maps, Something Corporate
Bewildered, Lucas watched Peyton hurry out of the living room, and few seconds later he heard the click of a door closing. He waited a few minutes, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.
Finally, Lucas got to his feet and went in the direction Peyton had gone. He soon found the locked door and, when he pressed his ear against it, he could hear only the occasional muffled sob.
Ignoring a sense of de ja vu, he knocked on the door. "Peyton! What's wrong, what did I say?"
The crying stopped abruptly, and after a moment the door swung open, and Peyton was staring at him with a perfectly calm expression. "It's been really good seeing you, Luke, but I think it's time for you to go…"
"What?! Why? Peyton, please what did I do?"
She clenched her teeth and glared at him. "Just for starters, it may have been a good thing to mention, when I asked you why you and Lindsey got a divorce that it was because she cheated on you."
His mouth hung open. "What difference does it make? We had issues long before that!"
"Lucas, you do not get to…fly to Seattle, four days after you catch your wife with another guy, and just…try to make everything better because it didn't work with Lindsey…I will not be your second choice, your fucking rebound…"
"Wh-what?" Lucas replied weakly. His heart constricted as he realized what she thought. Oh, God, how could he have been so stupid? "Peyton, no, it isn't like that, really-"
Peyton pushed past him, moving toward the front door. "And to think I was actually buying your crap-"
He ran after her, panic choking him. "It wasn't crap, Peyt, listen to me…" In desperation, he reached out and grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn and look at him. "Peyton, Lindsey cheated on me because I was in love with you, and I couldn't love her because of that, couldn't even pretend anymore."
"Yeah, but the fact is, Lucas, if that never happened, if it was up to you, then you're still in New York, still married, still with her."
"No, if it was up to me, I would have been back a long time ago!"
"That is such bullshit!" The volume of her voice startled both of them, and when she spoke again, it was quieter, each word heavy with anger. "I am so, so sick of you acting like you had no choice. No one made you propose, no one made you say 'I do', and there is no law that says divorce is only possible if infidelity is involved!"
"Damn it, Peyton, haven't I been sitting here for the past half hour talking about the mistakes I've made? I know I had choices, and I know I screwed up."
"But you didn't have some massive epiphany to make you want to fix your mistakes, did you? Your wife cheated on you, and you didn't have a choice!"
"Well, what do you want me to say, Peyton? Yes, Lindsey was the one to cheat, and Lindsey was the one to get the divorce papers. But do you know what she said to me after I caught her? She said I was cheating on her long before she cheated on me…by being in love with you. And she was right."
Peyton stared at him, her eyes swimming with tears. "Well, maybe it's not enough."
The weight of these words, words he had used once, hit him hard enough to cause actual physical pain somewhere between his lungs and his heart. He stepped closer to her, gaze intense. "Peyton. When I said that, I-"
Peyton shook her head vehemently and cut him off. "Stop. Just stop it, okay, Luke? You can't just…take things back or say you didn't mean them or make it all go away. It doesn't work like that."
Lucas was running out of words, and that terrified him. He was all about words…he was a writer, for god's sake. But somehow, when it came to Peyton, he had managed to weaken the meaning of even the most important phrases: I'm sorry, or even I love you.
What was he supposed to do when words failed?
Peyton ducked her head, her arms folded in front of her body as though to protect herself from him. Her voice barely audible, she murmured, "You shouldn't have come here."
His throat tightened. "Peyton…"
Peyton's voice shook as she forced herself to say, "You should go. I…I want you to go."
A muscle was jumping in Lucas' jaw as he struggled with himself. Part of him thought he should listen to her, give her space, not force his way into her life when she was clearly better off. But the other part was screaming at him to fight for her, to do what he never had before.
Finally, he met her eyes, really looking. Evidence of the last few years was obvious in her green eyes; there was an intense, infinite sadness, a lack of hope. It nearly broke him. "Peyt, I came here to fight for you. Of all the mistakes I've made…the biggest is that I never fought for you. I always gave up, I never…" His voice cracked, but after a moment he continued, "So now I just…I'm going to fight for you. For us."
Peyton brushed impatiently at the tears rolling down her cheeks and said thickly, "I don't think there's much left worth fighting for."
He shook his head, stubborn. "That's where you're wrong. I'm not going anywhere, Peyton. Not this time."
She looked at him, her eyes suddenly fiery with anger. "Lucas…I wanted you to fight for me six years ago! Or even three years ago, or a million times in between…and you didn't. I needed you to…back then! But not now, not when I'm telling you to go, not when there's nothing you can say-"
He cut her off, saying earnestly, "I know it's late for me to be figuring this out. And I know it hasn't happened under the best circumstances. But if I could, I would change everything I did that hurt you, everything that pushed you away! I would take it all back, I wish I could! Doesn't that count for anything?"
"No!" She burst out, her chest heaving. "Don't you get it? You can wish all you want, but it doesn't change it! You can say all these perfect things, but they don't mean anything! You said you loved me, but you said it wasn't enough…and God, Luke, I tortured myself over those words for months, and you know what I think? Saying you love me… I don't think you meant it!"
"That's not true!"
Peyton ignored him and kept yelling, her throat raw as the thoughts that had plagued her for years burst forth. "Because if you did, you would never have felt that it wasn't enough! You wouldn't make this so hard! You say you never fought for me, but the truth is you fought against it, every step of the way! I don't think you ever really loved me-"
"Hey!" His voice, suddenly dangerously low and filled with fury, stopped Peyton. He stepped closer, his eyes blazing, boring into hers. "Don't you dare say that, don't you ever think it. If you trust me on anything, ever, then believe this, Peyton: I have been so fucking in love with you for most of my life that I can't even remember what it felt like not to be. That loving you is the biggest part of me. "
Peyton abruptly turned away from him as silent sobs choked her, bursting from her chest and throat. Her legs were weak and shaking; it was all she could do to remain upright.
Lucas was fighting tears, too. Even as she turned her back to him, he continued to speak, moving close enough so Peyton could feel his breath on her hair, causing every nerve in her body to come alive.
"Maybe I suck at showing it, and maybe I suck at dealing with it. But that doesn't make it less powerful. Because believe me, I have felt it every second that we have been apart." After a long silence, Lucas added, "You know ever since a month or so before I left Tree Hill…I've had these nightmares. It used to be every night, and it's still once every few weeks now.
"It always starts off the same. I'm on this road, waiting for you. And then your car comes around the curve, and you're so close but…then this truck…it comes out of nowhere and plows into your car and it spins off the road. And then I'm trying to get to you, to save you. But I just…I just can't. Sometimes I can't get closer to the car, no matter how fast I run. Sometimes I can't get the door open, sometimes something pulls me away. Sometimes I get you out and it's too late." His mouth contorted as he tried to keep his voice steady. "I would wake up, screaming and crying and terrified for you. Haley said it was because I was afraid of not being able to protect you from being hurt, that nothing scares me more…
"You say…you used to say that I was always saving you. But in a way I was saving myself just as much. Because you are my whole heart, Peyton. And for the last few years I've been without it, and I've been a bad guy because of that. I mean, I've been someone I'm really not proud of. And I understand why you can't forgive me. Really, I do. I just…I'll never forgive myself if I don't do everything I can to fix this. I have to try."
Lucas swallowed hard. "So I'm not going anywhere. I'm fighting for you. And there is something there worth fighting for. You'll see." He reached out, gently squeezing her shoulder. "Bye, Peyt. I'll be seein' you…soon."
And he turned, his heart pounding, and, for now, made him leave the apartment.
As soon as Peyton heard the click of the door behind him, her knees seemed to give out beneathher and she sunk shakily tothe floor. The sudden silence of the apartment hung heavy around her for several minutes, then suddenly the tears came again, and Peyton missed the moment when the silent tears turn to hard, convulsing sobs that wracked her body and made it difficult to breathe.
She hadn't let herself cry, really cry, for him in nearly a year. She had done far too much of that in the year after his wedding, and then again during her first months in Seattle, when everything felt lonely and she wanted to give up her stupid attempt at finding her own 'fresh start'. But slowly, she'd begun putting her life back together, and she'd tried desperately to numb herself, to stop feeling her still-broken heart.
But he was back, and as always, Lucas Scott changed every thing.
A/N: Okay, so I'm sorry that was shorter than usual, but like I said, I really liked this conversation to stand on its own. I'm also sorry if I was confusing…maybe people were hoping for a bigger reveal, haha. But I promise you, more is to come. Will, as some of you guessed, was not introduced for no reason.
I can't promise that the quick updates will continue (I was actually going to hold off on this one a bit, but the last chapter had such great feedback that I wanted to update, as well as clear up the ending scene) for the next couple days. I've got two midterms Friday and a pretty busy weekend, but I will do my best to have something up as soon as possible. I am ahead several chapters, but the next one needs a little fine tuning.
And of course, some reviews of this one won't hurt. Hope you liked it!
