A/N: Blerg...something is fucking up with my account and basically I can't tell if anyone is still reading this...besides you glorious reviewers – esp. slushhy, vaskon, lumagoo1015 and Boooo...so I'm hoping some of you still are!
Sidenote: Has everyone seen that 12 year old boy singing the piano version of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi'? Because if you haven't you should - (http: // www. youtube. com /watch?v= bxDlC7YV5is - just take out the spaces)...it's fucking fantastic!
I think there are only a few chapters left...figure they can't be complete idiots for too long!
Enjoy...
Emily decided that Sunday was the day. She'd waited too fucking long and if she didn't do something she would hate herself.
She spoke to Katie beforehand, hoping to have her support. Katie was going to give it of course, but she questioned whether it was a good idea. When Emily told her she had to Katie could hear the urgency in her voice and agreed. It also worked out fortuitously that James would be at Gordon's house for dinner. Emily was glad for that. It would be easier to have this conversation with her parents without her smartass younger brother there.
So they were sitting around the table having dinner, which was something heinous her mum had cooked up that her dad seemed to love, of course. Emily was fidgeting nervously, listening to her dad drone on about the gym, waiting for her moment. She finally took advantage of a lull in the conversation.
"Mum, Dad...I need to talk to you about something."
Her voice was a little shaky. Katie looked across to her and smiled supportively. Emily thought how different it was from the last time they'd been in this situation.
Her parents looked up from either end of the table.
Fear was threatening to take over again but Emily held her nerve. Her heart was racing in her chest. She reminded herself why she needed to do this.
"Yes love," her Dad said expectantly.
"Um...I just...I mean," she stammered as her mind blanked, completely forgetting the speech she had run through all day in her head. "I...well."
She took a deep breath.
"I'm gay."
Her mum dropped her fork. Her dad's eyes widened. The thickening of tension in the room was instantaneous. Emily immediately felt relief, finally saying the words. She also felt terrified, awaiting her parent's reaction.
"Emily," there was a hint of warning in her mum's tone but she was still smiling, her eyes flicking in panic to her husband, "We've talked about this. Don't be silly."
Emily's heart clenched and she swallowed hard.
"No we didn't. Not really."
She looked to her dad again. His eyes were still wide with shock. His mouth hanging open.
"Emily...you're not gay," her mum told her again, lowering her voice on the last word like she was ashamed of it.
And Emily knew her mum was ashamed of it. Ashamed of her. She dropped her head. Maybe she couldn't do this. Not after everything that had happened with Naomi. She was so tired. She didn't want to fight anymore. It would be so much easier to keep her mouth shut. To keep prentending. Keep letting people walk all over her.
"Yes," she heard her sister say firmly, "she is. Emily is fucking gay alright mum. Get over it."
Emily lifted her head and smiled at her twin, overwhelmed with love for her sister. They may hate each other sometimes but Emily knew that when it came down to it Katie would do anything for her.
Empowered by her sister's support she found her voice again.
"This is who I am. I can't change it. But I'm still Emily."
She looked to her mum again and saw a multitude of emotions playing on her features. Anger, shame, confusion, concern. Watched her open and close her mouth several times trying to find words. Emily turned to her dad who still looked shocked and kind of nervous.
"I just..." her mum began, "I don't want to discuss this."
"Mum," Emily pleaded as she watched her mum stand. "We can't keep ignoring this, please."
But her mum was shaking her head and walking out of the room.
And all Emily wanted to do was curl into a ball and disappear. Because her mum was so disgusted she refused to even look at her.
"Jenna."
Emily's head whipped around to her dad at the sound of his voice. She looked back to her mum who was frozen in the doorway.
"She's our little girl."
Emily could feel the love in her father's words, the acceptance. She looked back to him and saw that reflected in his eyes. Her heart swelled. They locked eyes and he smiled. She knew they would be okay.
After a moment she looked back to her mum. She watched her shoulders rise and fall, her own heart beating uncontrollably. Her mum finally turned around but didn't come any closer. Her mouth a hard line.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
Emily's vision clouded with tears. She wanted her mum to say the she loved her unconditionally. That she supported her and that Emily's happiness was all she cared about.
"I want you to say it's okay." Her voice was strained with emotion. "I want you to say you love me."
Her mum moved forward. "Of course I love you," she reassured her quickly.
Emily smiled a little as she wiped a tear from her cheek, relieved to hear those words.
"I just...I'm your mother. It's hard for me."
Emily was quiet, urging her mother to continue talking. She watched her take her seat again and take a deep breath.
"I had dreams for you...and me," her mum said softly. "Helping you organise your beautiful wedding...going with you to try on your dress...grandchildren...I know that's selfish but –"
"I understand," Emily replied with a comforting smile. "And I can still have those things. We can. It will just be a little...different."
Her mum sighed and returned a weak smile.
"I just don't want your life to be difficult...and I think because of this...it might be."
Emily breathed deeply trying to suppress the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. Her mum didn't hate her. She was scared for her.
"It might be," she said simply...honestly, "but not being who I am would be far worse."
And when her mum's eyes, which had been focused on the table, flicked up to meet hers Emily could feel it all. How much her mum loved her. How worried she was for her. But mostly love.
"I know."
Her mum then walked around the table and hugged Emily's shoulders from behind.
And Emily finally allowed herself to break, sobbing with emotion. Finally releasing everything she'd pent up over the last few months.
On Sunday afternoon when Naomi went to Mr Walker's house to collect him she was running late. He was already waiting for her in his car and she peered inside cautiously and waved. He looked pretty much how she thought he would. Thin white hair that he parted on the side. A long deeply lined face. A white shirt covered with an argyle knit cardigan, black slacks. But she did imagine him without that grimace. And she kind of wanted him to have a moustache and a pipe. He pointed to her and then the driver's seat. She complied with his instructions, settling into the seat and placing her bag in the backseat.
"Hi Mr Walker I'm –"
"You're late," he interrupted, irritation evident in his voice.
Naomi frowned and his tone and scrambled to apologise.
"Yeah sorry I was –"
"I don't need your excuses young lady. I need you to get here on time. Let's go."
He kept his eyes focused straight ahead as he held the keys out to her.
She sighed, mentally cursing Mike for being an asshole, and snatched the keys.
They travelled to the hospital in silence, Naomi following Mr Walker's lead and staying quiet. She pulled up at the front of the hospital and he got out slowly, then leaned back in to the open door.
"Back here in exactly one hour. Don't be late."
With that he slammed the door and walked away.
"Fucking hell," she said to the empty car.
This wasn't what she had in mind when she decided the start volunteering again. Driving around a grumpy old prick. She wasn't a people person. She could organise a rally or write angry letters but she wasn't great at dealing with people. They mostly annoyed her. Mr Walker seemed to be no exception.
She drove into the car park and cut the engine. She'd decided she was going to stay rather than drive home and back again. She had a lot of college work to catch up on anyway.
Not that she ended up doing any of it. Her mind was filled with Emily, like a song that gets stuck in your head. And Naomi realised that Emily had been stuck in her head since she'd met the redhead. One scene from the summer kept replaying in her mind – the two of them lying in the park watching the sun go down.
It was on the last day of the food and wine festival and Emily had forced Naomi to go, because despite her petite frame, the redhead loved food and could fit a surprisingly large amount of it in her stomach. Naomi reluctantly agreed to go, and ended up having a good time, which she secretly knew she would. She always enjoyed herself when Emily was around. They tasted exotic foods from around the world and got boozy on wine, finally ending up collapsing on the grass in the park, the sun setting over the city. Emily groaned about being too full of food and Naomi laughed. Then she felt the heat of Emily next to her as Emily shift closer and a second later Emily's hand found hers. Naomi felt her heart hammer with panic. They were in a public park and not her bedroom and people might see. But it felt nice. So she smiled as Emily threaded their fingers together, because for once she told her head to shut the fuck up and gave in to what she felt.
She wished she couldn't do that more often.
-----x-----
Exactly one hour later Naomi pulled up to the hospital just as Mr Walker was coming out of the doors.
He opened the door and lowered himself into the seat with some effort.
"Thank you for being on time."
Naomi was confused. There was no anger, no sarcasm. He was smiling at her. She briefly entertained the idea that he was going to the hospital so often to have some kind of mood altering surgery. It was fucking weird.
"Um...you're welcome."
She pulled away from the hospital and began driving back.
After a few minutes Mr Walker cleared his throat.
"My wife is ill. I go in to visit her. I don't like to be late."
Ever socially awkward, Naomi wasn't sure what the appropriate response was, or if one was necessary at all. She was glad she had driving to concentrate on.
"We've been married for 53 years. Three kids, seven grandchildren. She's the love of my life."
Naomi thought how once that cliché would have made her cringe. Instead she looked at the road ahead and thought about how she wanted her life to look when she was 75. All she could see was Emily.
When Emily walked into the college grounds on Monday she was half relieved to see Anna waiting for her like always. Like things were normal...even though they were far from it. They hadn't spoken to each other since Saturday morning. Since Anna had revealed that she liked her and Emily had been dumbstruck, still reeling from the night before.
"I take it from your silence and that terrified look on your face that you don't feel the same way?"
Anna's voice was light, trying to make a joke out of it.
Emily opened and closed her mouth, unsure of what to say. Anna looked down and shuffled her feet.
"I don't know what I feel," Emily said honestly."I didn't...I didn't know you..."
"And now that you do?" Anna lifted her head, a hopeful glint in her eye.
"I don't know."
And it was the truth. Emily would be lying if she said that she'd never looked at her friend that way, and a part of her was attracted to Anna, but she'd been so focused on Naomi that she'd never given it much thought. She knew she didn't want Anna the way she wanted Naomi...but maybe that was a good thing. Because she wasn't going to let herself want anyone like that again. It would be easy to be with Anna. Anna was smart and funny and lovely, and didn't have half as many hang-ups as Naomi did.
"So you need time?" Anna asked nervously.
"Yeah," she agreed. "That would be good."
Now as Emily approached her she could see that Anna was smiling anxiously and her own stomach fluttered with nerves.
"Hey Emily. How was the rest of your weekend?"
Emily sighed with relief when she realised that Anna was going to play along and pretend that nothing had changed. They were friends first. Then she smiled widely, remembering the breakthrough with her parents.
"I actually finally came out to my parents..."
She saw Anna's face light up and felt a sense of pride.
"...And there was no yelling and screaming. My mum is struggling a little but she's trying."
Anna moved forward and pulled her into a hug.
"That's fantastic Emily. I'm so happy for you."
Emily hugged her back, enjoying being able to share the news with her friend. And as Anna's arms squeezed around her and she breathed in the faint vanilla smell of her blonde hair, Emily's mind flashed back to Friday night. When their hands and lips had been all over each other. A shiver ran down her spine at the memory.
Something had definitely shifted between them. Emily just wasn't sure what she wanted to do about it.
As usual Naomi hadn't been looking forward to going to college that morning. Seeing Emily. And it was strange, because Emily looked different. Naomi couldn't pinpoint how, or whether it was a good or bad thing. She was just different. And then in the corridor she overheard two boys talking about how they'd seen Emily and Anna making out at the party of Friday night. Then at the gate this morning.
Naomi's chest tightened and her stomach sank. She didn't know what to think. She knew what college rumours were like - she'd been the subject of many of them thanks to Katie Fitch. But if it was true it would have been after they had been together, because before that Naomi had been watching her like a stalker. Which meant that Emily had run from her right to Anna. She felt sick. She needed to find out if it was true. So against her better judgment she asked Effy, hoping she had heard the truth from Katie.
Effy sucked on her cigarette and shrugged her shoulders.
"I've only heard the rumours you have."
Naomi sighed with frustration.
Effy glanced at her with something close to sympathy.
"Anna likes Emily."
Naomi crossed her arms and scowled. "I fucking knew it."
"But Emily loves you."
She felt herself soften slightly. Emily had never told her she loved her but Naomi knew she did, hoped she did. It was nice to hear that Effy had seen it too.
"She also hates you."
That twisted in Naomi's gut. Pulled at her insides. She knew it was true. She knew she deserved it.
"I'm trying," she said simply.
Effy threw her cigarette onto the pavement.
"That's the hard part."
Emily left class to go to the bathroom, but got distracted when she walked past a window and spotted Cook outside. He was sitting on a bench in the courtyard area with his back leaning against the building, smoking a cigarette. She hadn't really spoken to Cook since the blow up outside the club with Naomi. He wasn't at college half the time and when he was he was with Effy and Naomi. She kind of hated him for what happened with Naomi. Hated that they still hung out. Maybe he could give her some insight. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea but she made her way over to him, realising as she got closer that it was a spliff he was smoking.
"Emilio," he greeted her as he saw her approaching. "Shouldn't you be in class?"
"Shouldn't you?" she countered, taking a seat next to him.
He laughed and offered the spliff, Emily shook her head.
"The sun's fucking shining innit. Can't be inside on a day like this. I need it to rejuvenate mate, like Superman."
She rolled her eyes but understood what he meant. The unseasonable heat of the sun felt nice on her skin.
"I should be pissed at you," he said after inhaling again. "Naomikins won't fuck me because of you."
She bristled at the mention of Naomi. "She'd probably be up for it now."
Cook laughed and shook his head.
"I'm already chasing one girl who loves somebody else, I don't need another one."
Emily tried to ignore the way her stomach flipped at his implication that Naomi loved her.
"Why do you do it Cook? You know she doesn't love you. You know she'll end up kicking the shit out of you."
She could feel her anger building. She knew she was being unkind. She knew she wasn't just talking about Cook and Effy.
Cook stared at her hard. She couldn't read his expression.
"Naomi's not like Effy," he replied with a cloud of smoke, looking back out to the courtyard. "Don't give up on her."
Emily laughed bitterly. "She's the one who gave up on me."
Cook's trademark smirk crept across his face and he turned to look her in the eye.
"You see that's where you're wrong Emilio...That's why your Blondie isn't like Effy...She'll never give up on you."
Emily tried not to let herself hope that Cook was right.
Naomi was walking down the college corridor on her way to the bathroom when she felt someone grab her from behind and spin her around, then push her back into the lockers. She saw red.
Emily.
Emily was pressed up against her and Emily's soft lips were kissing hers, her hot tongue in her mouth. She could feel the redhead's heart thumping wildly and knew hers was matching. One delicate hand wrapped itself around her neck while the other slid under her shirt to the small of her back. Naomi felt a heat spread through her body and settle in her centre. Emily was everywhere. She slid both hands down the length of Emily's back to rest on her ass, pulling her in closer. And for once she didn't care about where they were or if people could see them. Because Emily was kissing her like she was suffocating and Naomi was her oxygen.
After a moment Emily pulled away from the kiss but kept their bodies flush, resting her forehead against Naomi's as they caught their breath, both of them keeping their eyes closed.
Naomi's mind flooded with questions. She wanted to ask what this meant. What had happened with Anna. To know what Emily was feeling. She couldn't stop herself hoping that this meant that Emily would wait for her.
But she wasn't expecting what Emily said next.
Emily told herself that she was doing it because she was angry. Because she wanted to punish Naomi for how she'd treated her. Fuck with Naomi's heart the way Naomi had fucked with hers. That's what she told herself when she grabbed the blonde from behind, slammed her against the lockers roughly and kissed her. Consumed her. She let her hands wander over Naomi's firm body. Felt the warmth of her skin and the goosebumps her touch created. She could feel Naomi's heart beating in time with hers. She wanted Naomi to know what it was like to feel these things and then have them thrown in your face.
So when she pulled away from the kiss she looked into those blue eyes and said what she knew would hurt Naomi.
"I kissed Anna."
Naomi didn't realise she had been holding her breath until her body coughed for air. Her stomach was a tight fist. She took in Emily's sadistic smile and then pushed the redhead off her. Emily stumbled back but kept her feet. They stared hard at each other. She looked into Emily's eyes, searching for something to hold on to. They were so dark, so angry and bitter.
Anyone else would have been fooled by them.
But Naomi could see Emily, had always been able to see her heart. And right now there was the slightest sliver of light. Hope. Love. She had to hold onto that.
"Do you like her?"
She knew she sounded pathetic asking. Knew she was playing in to Emily's game. But she couldn't help herself.
Emily raised an eyebrow as her smile widened. "She's pretty fucking sexy don't you think? That tight bum, perky tits."
She knew why Emily was doing this. She was trying to torture her.
"So you want to fuck her is that it?"
"Maybe I do."
Naomi winced at the words. Emily may as well have been punching her in the stomach.
With one last menacing look Emily turned and walked away.
Naomi took a deep breath. DEspite everything she knew that Emily couldn't have kissed her the way she did if she didn't still care. She knew what she'd seen in those brown eyes. She had to hold onto that.
She hoped it was enough.
As she walked away Emily realised that she wasn't just punishing Naomi...she was punishing herself. Because Naomi was what she wanted – no matter how much she wished she didn't. It was all well and good for her to tell herself not to care anymore. To tell herself not to love Naomi. But that didn't mean she could. All her life she'd been unable to tell her heart what to do. She wished that she could forget the way Naomi's skin felt like silk against her fingers. The way the blonde's mere touch set off explosions in her. But she couldn't.
At first it had felt good to watch Naomi hurt. Her eyes glass over with tears. To see the look on Naomi's face as she said she wanted to fuck Anna. And Emily hadn't even realised it wasn't true until she said the words. And she'd never told a bigger lie in her life. Because the only person she wanted to fuck was Naomi.
And she hated herself a little for it.
Sigh...I'm really not happy with Emily's coming out scene. I debated not including it because I don't think my writing is good enough to do it justice but it didn't feel right to leave it out and gloss over it...oh well...just know I wanted it to be better!
And I never liked the thought of Jenna being completely homophobic. I always thought it was more fear, ignorance and concern for her daughter that drove her behaviour. So that's why I wrote her like that.
Song for this chapter is 'Eve, The Apple of My Eye' by Bell x1...gah...love...
Leave a review and let me know what ya think! :)
