Title: "Because of You I'm Breaking" [Chapter 11] Author:
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings ext. are the properties of their respective owners. This work is non-profit and simply written for fun. Reference to persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be factual.
Summary: The beginning of the end. [Part C]. "C" for Callie's story.
Author's Note: Think Arizona/Joanne was bad? Think again.
PS. Next chapter might take a little longer to write since it's insanely SUPER climatic…like super. SUPER climatic… SUPER. Feel free to leave McAwesome reviews to speed up the process, always awesome to hear from you guys!
***Arizona voiceover: *** Don't judge a book by its cover. We've all heard the saying, the heeding advice for us to search deeper than what meets the eye. We listen. We really try. But most of the times we judge without thinking. We conclude without evaluating. We finish without starting. We jump to conclusions because we think we know better. Who needs to delve deeper than what meets the eye when assumptions are so much easier to make? We take one look and we're done. Close. Suture. Bandage. But sometimes there's more than meets the eye and we're left with the gaping wound of regret ...of not having searched, more carefully.
The steely barrier slammed shut with a resounding thud, tearing Arizona from my sight. I couldn't help but feel remorse surge through my veins as I paused to replay the scene that had played out mere moments ago. I couldn't believe it. I had actually reached out and gripped Arizona's arm, holding her back from walking out of the elevator nonchalantly, holding her back to...to...I don't know what came over me, at that moment, I just had to make her listen, I had to let her understand that I wasn't going out with Nadia. Well, I was….but it wasn't going out going out, that I had made clear from the start. We were going out as friends...just friends. I was still waiting for Arizona to forgive me. Waiting for her to understand. Waiting for her to take me back. Waiting for her to re-attach her shattered heart and give me a chance to suture her wounds.
The elevator whirled into life as Nadia and I stood beside each other in silence. She was staring at me intently and I could feel her eyes burning my skin as it swept over every inch of my body, I felt a shiver go through me as I bit down on my lower lip. Ugh. How did she manage to talk me into going out with her. I can't believe this. Arizona must've thought… well, I don't blame her. This was a pretty misleading situation to be caught in…story of my life. Good job Torres. Top-notch. Well done.
"You're not cheating on her you know…" Nadia whispered, drawing my eyes towards her for the first time today. Her voice was sultry and suggestive, and I couldn't help but feel the heat rise as I looked at her body. She was wearing a short black dress that pushed up her cleavage and revealed her irresistibly stunning legs. As much as I hate to admit it, she was strikingly attractive.
Nadia's long blonde hair was wavy, not curled, and her one dimple flashed into view as she pulled out an enchanting smirk, clearly aware of the evaluation that I was uncontrollably performing. Her blue eyes twinkled as I blushed. Smooth Torres. Smooth.
"I know…it's just…I don't want her to think that we're going on a date or something…" I responded, averting my eyes from her expression which seemed to be mentally undressing me.
"It's not a date. We're just hanging out. As friends." Nadia replied, calmly turning back to face the elevator doors as she pressed her hand against her hip. I felt my heart race as I tried to concentrate on the light up numbers at the top of the elevator, indicating that we were just past the second floor. Nadia had this pull on me, this enticing power that just drew me into her, I felt myself caving into her presence, her beauty, her venom.
There was something in the way she said friends that made me anxious.
"Uh…yeah…it's okay…maybe I'm just being overly paranoid…I know there's nothing to freak out about…sorry…it's just…Arizona…she throws me off a bit…" I mumbled, fully appreciative of the fact that we had reached our destination.
Nadia simply smirked seductively again before exiting the elevator on the first floor, leading me out to the bustling lobby. I couldn't help but feel an impending sense of doom cling onto me as I felt my eyes intensely glued to her body, feeling my submission to her alluring charm as it pulled me along her…
* * *
I pierced my eyes through the front passenger seat window as I bore my attention onto the quiet nightlife we were slowly drifting by. My attention transitioned from the neon store signs and blinking spasm of the traffic lights to my own reflection. Every time the car passed a particularly dark patch in the street, I found my dark hazel eyes mirroring back my anxiety in the window. The radio hummed a casually romantic tune which made me lean closer and closer towards the door of the car and away from Nadia, almost needing to feel the exit to this potentially hazardous situation.
Nadia's free hand lay on her lap, the one closer to me, and I was wary of the easy slip that it could've made towards my own fingers which currently lay deftly on my own lap. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized that I was almost hopeful for Nadia to make the move. It was unnerving. Gut-wrenching. Suffocating. I quickly adapted the position of my hands and folded them shiftily in the centre of my stomach, taking care to interlock my fingers, as if daring myself to do otherwise. Nadia's eyes rested on the road as she drove on ahead, a smirk tugging at her features as she noticed my rather unceremoniously obvious attempt to restrain myself.
We had spent an entire day together, shopping at the local pier and walking along the beach. The conversation we had was mundane, almost suspiciously dull, it was almost uncharacteristic of Nadia to allow such brittle small talk throughout the day continue as it did... her lack of passes made towards me made the feeling of impending doom grow within me. It was like treading within dark waters, fully exposed but never knowing if the sharks will bite...or rather, when they will choose to do so.
I had spent most of the day prying about Arizona...about her past at Berkley. I didn't want to seem too obvious, but there was always a judgmental flare that perched upon Nadia's voice whenever she heard me inquire into that direction, towards Arizona...a twitch in the atmosphere that made it almost evident that she was aware of my true desires. Nevertheless, she let me in. She told me about Arizona, about her antics at Berkley, the legend of her throne that was made infamous with the number of bodies she treaded through. People fawning over her that only propelled her notoriety. The innumerable broken hearts that made her reputation as impossible to get.
It was only today that I realized how little I knew about her. Arizona had always been private about her past, a quiet whisper that seemed to lay hidden within the cobwebs of mystery. Not so much a secret, but a topic that was never even lightly grazed upon. Her perpetual sunshine had deterred questions towards any sadness that she may have experienced, and her undeniable loyalty to our relationship made her persona indubitable.
It was a shock.
It was incalculable. Unforeseeable. Unbelievable.
But it was true.
The stories of the one night stands, the gruelling tales of the morning after, it was all true. And the most heart-breaking aspect of it all, the most tear-evoking facet, was that the details could've been spared.
As willing as Nadia was to relive every story, every moment, every heartbreak that Arizona had induced with her thrill-ride at Berkley, it was needless. I had been there, I had felt it, I had experienced the pain of watching Arizona leave the morning after...the sound of the rustling covers, the removal of her enticingly comforting scent from the air around me, the eradication of her presence...I could still feel every bit of it.
No one could've explained it to me. The feeling of need, of desperation, of desertion. The feeling of heartache. The suffocating pain and the drowning sorrow that engulfs you at that moment. No words could express it. None.
Nothing could've softened the blow to Arizona's departure.
"We're here." Nadia whispered, shifting the gear and pulling the parking break up abruptly. I felt myself choked by the seat belt as the car came to a halt at the end of an eerily dark alley. It was dimly illuminated by one flickering streetlight and was lined on the sides with old brick buildings. A garbage can stood lazily in the distance but other than that, it was devoid of occupation. It was a dark alley alright, the kind of alley your parents would warn you to stay out of. The dark alley that spurred on feelings of discomfort. Really Nadia? Really?
"Um...a dark...alley?" I whispered, shooting Nadia a questioning look as I unbuckled my seat belt. Nadia was beaming for the first time during the day. A day that had been indisputably dull, a bit disappointing to be honest. I had expected a sexy escapade or incredible wonders from Nadia, but so far, it had all been textbook. Nadia seemed to exude a more promising vibe than what I received to speak quite candidly.
"Uno." Nadia whispered, speaking more to herself than to me. I brushed it off and continued to give her a searching glare.
"Um...it's pretty dark...do you really think we should go..." I mumbled, taking in her appearance in the darkness. Her face was partially revealed by the halo of the streetlight and it seemed to give her a inexplicably irresistible enticement, illuminating her eyes as they twinkled in exhilaration.
"Then let there be...light" Nadia whispered almost mystically as she switched on a lantern that she had undoubtedly produced during my rehearsal of worrisome thoughts.
Before I could object, Nadia had grabbed a giant duffle bag from the back seat and opened her door, leading the way towards the dark alley. The duffle bag was black. The type you use for bank robberies. I felt a squeeze in my stomach as I trudged along.
I shrugged as I let out a sigh. I knew the word uneventful was too much to hope for with Nadia...
* * *
The brisk coldness of the night blew into my face as I stifled a small shiver. The cold was unrelenting and I shoved my hands into my pockets, shaking every now and then as the clammy wind seeped through my leather jacket and slobbered goosebumps onto my skin. I could smell the stench of smoke in the air, there were cigarettes littered along the alley and I watched curiously as Nadia surveyed the walls of the alley, as if she was Hagrid, searching for the correct bricks to tap.
"Here's our winner Cals." Nadia grinned triumphantly and I couldn't help but admire the dimple that was lit by the faint radiance of the lantern, which now illuminated a huge patch of the brick wall. Nadia quickly withdrew another, bigger lantern as she placed it a few metres away, setting up a space of light between the two glowing embers.
"Uhh...what are we doing? Playing soccer?" I laughed, rubbing my arms as I surveyed the area she had set up for us.
"No, that would be rather insane. I'm showing you my dream." Nadia beamed brightly, finally turning away from her project and staring intently into my eyes. I was surprised she wasn't cold, standing there in the light material of her black dress, but the fervour in her expression had the ability to warm anything up. There was something different about her, her crystal blue eyes sparkled in a hopeful fashion as she teetered in excitement, she almost reminded me of an eager child, patiently awaiting their first taste ice cream cone as the man at the store scooped out the flavours. It was cute. Really cute.
"Your dream? On a wall...In a...in a dark alley. Nope. That's not insane at all" I laughed, rolling my eyes as Nadia stood grinning, completely unfazed by the negativity that laced my sarcastic remark.
She bustled with the duffle bag she had dragged and propped along the brick wall and I watched her lean down to grab an armful of something... her tanned legs stretched out perfectly as she busied herself with the bag... Ugh no. I can't do this. I can't. Don't look at the hot blonde Callie Torres. Don't look at the hot. Hot. Very hot blonde. I closed my eyes and thought clean thoughts, like ... okay, nothing came to mind but the legs. Damn the legs!
"Catch Cals!" Nadia threw me a can of spray paint as she began to spray the outline of a huge box onto the wall.
"Dude. What are you doing!?" I asked, surprised for her blatant disregard for property that wasn't hers...okay maybe I shouldn't be surprised.
"Uh. What does it look like? I'm spray painting. I'm an ARTIST remember?" Nadia grinned, speaking in a tone that was so casual I almost felt embarrassed for asking.
Within five minutes, Nadia had finished her artwork. She definitely was an artist alright, the piece of art was...brilliant. For a second I had to rearrange my awe to decipher the painting before me, there were too many colours, green, white, black, red, blue. Hues that contracted into a drawing of...a house. A huge, big white house with a little green grassy front yard lined with a cute picket fence. There were children running around out front, enjoying their game under the perpetually shining sun which was accompanied by fluffy white clouds.
Nadia stood back with an accomplished smirk, then, almost as if she suddenly remembered something, she grabbed a black can of spray paint and wrote in elegant cursive... The DREAM underneath her masterpiece. I was shocked, both at the richness of the colour tones that she managed to whip up from scratch and the gorgeous shades that she managed to produce from a mere ten cans of spray paint. I couldn't help but find myself impressed...maybe there was more to her after all.
"This is your dream?" I whispered, gently pressing my fingers deftly towards the wall. She quickly grabbed my hand, cautioning me against the action.
"It's not dry yet" she explained. I nodded, still in awe at the masterpiece before me. I felt her fingers delicately grip me, not letting go as she continued to survey her own work.
"It's the dream. You know?" Nadia whispered, looking intently in my eyes, inspiration flashing across her pupils, "The big white house...the children running around...the picket fence, the eternally sunny days...it's the dream...my dream..." Nadia concluded, her smile growing wider as she closed her eyes, breathing in the night air that sparkled with promises and hope for what could be.
I was astonished... but before I could say anything more, Nadia tapped the can in my hands.
"So...what's your dream Cals?" Nadia wondered aloud, indicating for me to draw my own vision.
I stood motionless and for a second, Nadia's smile turned into an adorably quizzical look.
"Cals?" She whispered, probably wondering what planet I had floated off to.
My voice was surprisingly hoarse when I finally spoke... "That's just it....what you painted, this house...these kids...this IS my dream..."
Nadia's smile widened as she looked back towards the artwork, dropping her grip on my wrist as she did so. I felt a tinge of disappointment from losing connection with her. Nadia had seemed so...flirtatious, so phony, so unbelievably arrogant and self-centered. Who knew...who knew...
I looked at Nadia and watched silently as she glowed, falling into her dream that lay before her...she looked so young, so full of hope, so cute and...and...beautiful.
"HEY! WHO'S THERE!?" A low voice yelled out from the other end of the alley as a flashlight shone our way, I heard the faint cackle of the policeman's radio as he began purposely striding towards us.
I was still lost in the dream before me, oblivious to the legalities in this pursuit of happiness.
"CALS!" Nadia's voice urged me back to reality, she was tugging at me and before I knew it she was pulling me along beside her, laughing as she interlocked her fingers in mine.
We darted down a couple blocks and I felt the rush of air surge through my lungs as we sprinted street after street after street. Finally, when I felt too winded to continue, Nadia pulled us into an alley that seemed quite like the previous and I heard myself panting, regaining my breath as I bent downwards to breathe. The cold air stung like a bitch but I was still grinning from our close call. Nadia was leaning against the wall, her chest pumping up and down as she tried to catch her breath. Her mouth gaping as she breathed. I felt myself mesmerized by her sparkling blue eyes, so full of life, so blissful; they seemed all too familiar to me.
Nadia pulled me up and we looked deeply in each other's eyes before erupting in laughter as we celebrated our escape. I felt myself gravitating towards her as we both sank downwards against the wall, breathing deeply as we shared a grin. It was only then that I realized our fingers were still interlocked and I awkwardly slipped out of her fingers. Looking away as I did so...hoping to make it nonchalant.
"What's the matter Cals? Were you scared?" Nadia smirked, knowing full well the reason behind my still elevating heartbeat. Our shoulders were touching as we sat beside each other and I felt her eyes caress my body.
"I am scared." I whispered in a barely audible level. Nadia's eyes seemed to glimmer in understanding of that statement and she leaned in closer and closer as I sat there hopelessly frozen in her irresistible presence.
Before I knew it...her lips were a centimetre away from mine and my heart pounded against my chest.
I looked into her blue eyes and blonde curls, familiarity once again surged through me. They were Arizona's eyes. The blue crystalline pureness that reflected back tantalizingly...
Nadia's lips hovered in front of mine before she whispered "Good night Cals. I'll see you tomorrow."
And just like that, Nadia got up. Gave one final smirk. And left the alleyway.
* * *
I paced around my apartment in aggravation; the inner debate within me had driven me insane the whole day. I knew it was a close call yesterday. And I'm not just talking about the cop either.
Going out with Nadia seemed like a bad idea yesterday, a bad idea, but a controllable idea. It had seemed that way because of the person she had initially come off as, flirtatious, sexy, seductive, with no heart at all. Sure, she was gorgeous, but she was just a candy bar. A candy bar I knew I could control myself around. A candy bar I didn't have to bite because it was unhealthy.
But I had to go an unwrap the candy bar.
I had to see her heart, her deepest dreams, dreams that she shared with me. Dreams that made me see her in a different freakin' light. Because the things that Nadia wanted? I did too... and it scared me to see how much we really did have in common after all.
Nadia had said that I would see her today...wasn't that a little presumptuous considering the fact that we hadn't made plans at all? And to be honest, what if I say no? How would we see each other then?
A painful tug in my brain set the reality in. She knows you won't say know.
And a little part of me knows it too.
My cell phone finally buzzed at 2pm. Nadia had texted me the location of her studio, inviting me to pay a visit. I looked at the clock again, 2pm. Afternoon. A non-sexy time. I can do this. Just drop by, say hi, and leave. Leave before it gets dark. Leave before it transitions to sexy time. Just leave Callie Torres. Just leave.
Okay. I'll listen to the voice in my head. Just this once.
* * *
Nadia's studio was...incredible. I entered it expecting a shabby looking shed type of deal, only to see rows upon rows of sculptures lined up intimidating against each other.
Nadia had rented a loft and moved her work-in-progress into it for the time being, there were...A LOT of pieces. Each inscrutable object had been covered by a veil, propelling the mystery that already hung in the atmosphere to a further intensity of magic.
The walls of the loft as well as the ceiling and flooring was cement, but paints had been thrown around everywhere and splotches of colourful hues scattered around canvasses that were propped against walls, chairs and windows. I glanced at the collection of draped jewels, each with its own skylight illuminating it from the rest.
I surveyed the area in awe as I walked around the pieces...Nadia grinned an adorable bashful smile as she watched me do a 360 turn.
"Which one do you want to see first?" Nadia asked uncharacteristically timidly, waving her hand to the ten sculptures in front of me.
"Um... I don't know...you can lead the way Van Gogh." I smirked, surveying her outfit which was literally just a plain white t-shirt with a barrage of paint splotches and dark skinny jeans. She looked so comfortable and artsy and...adorably dorky. I felt myself gulp rather loudly as I took in her cutesy attire. I'm starting to think Nadia can pull anything off.
Without hesitation Nadia began ripping down the drapes to all of her sculptures. I looked up in amazement as statues of people, animals, unrecognizable shapes and angles danced into light before me. They were all so miraculous and heartfelt in each and every way...it was just...brilliant.
"I'm an industrial design major, but I like to make sculptures and paint canvasses in my spare time..." Nadia smiled. Did she just blush? Wow. This is weird.
We went through all of her canvasses and sculptures, revelling at each one as if it was a masterpiece of its own, I couldn't suppress my wonder and appreciation...everything was just so unbelievably magnificent. After a couple hours of listening to the process that went into each piece and laughing about the stories, I realized that the only one left was a small statue in the corner of the room which was draped with a black blanket.
"What's that one" I asked, curiosity stirring within me as I looked pointedly towards the mysterious object.
"Oh...um...that's...uh..." Nadia looked uncomfortable and I realized for the first time ever I was seeing this exposed side of her that had been hidden this whole time.
"Can I see it?" I asked, making my way towards the object with Nadia trailing silently before me.
Reluctantly, she tore off the cover to reveal a golden statue of a familiar face. The wavy hair, the pointed nose, the dark eyes, the mouth...it was as if I was looking into a mirror... It was me.
The "art" she had whipped up last night in the alley paled in comparison.
"It's...brilliant..." I whispered, unable to produce any other description of the masterpiece before me.
"I...I made it the day I first saw you...at the hospital...." Nadia whispered, blushing profusely... "You inspired me...you're just so...beautiful..."
I felt myself gulp as Nadia leaned closer towards me as I felt myself supported against the wall, staring at the statue, a monument of devotion, it was so touching and...and... just amazing.
Once again I found myself cornered by Nadia, this time, it only took a second for her to be close enough to feel my breath on her lips. I could feel my breath hitch at our proximity as my heart pounded against my chest, threatening to burst out onto the painted floor. My mind drained of all other thoughts as I felt myself gulp loudly, feeling nothing but her warmth, her presence, her alluring smirk dancing tantalizingly across her features.
"Cals?" Nadia whispered softly as her lips still hovered precariously near mine, her arms slipped in and wrapped around my waist as I shuddered at her touch... her fingers burning my skin with every second of contact. I felt myself on fire as I breathed deeply, taking in her scent for the second time in two days.
"Yes?" I croaked, unable to stabilize my breathing or my heart-rate. Those blue eyes were sparkling incredibly...there were remarkably beautiful.
Nadia smirked a teasing grin as she leaned into my ear, I felt myself quiver at the sound of her sultry voice "Thanks for coming Cals...but I think we should call it a night."
With that, she withdrew her body from mine and slid open the glass doors of her studio.
"Night Cals." Nadia whispered softly as I exited, too dumbstruck and scared to look back at the alluring blonde siren.
***Arizona voiceover: *** Sometimes we panic. We make the wrong call. We judge wrongly and we're caught up by the truth that lies undeniably before us. We're surprised, astonished, caught off guard, because who knew? We make the call after one swift moment of interaction, thinking we've got the bleeder, thinking we've found the source...trouble is, sometimes we're wrong... and that wound turns out to be much more than what we ever could've imagined.
