Meredith dragged her weary body to the front door. Cristina and Izzie were exhausting. Exhausting but distracting. She had found she had missed them more than she had realized, but now…now she just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep the night away. She had slept the night before, she had slept well, but one good night sleep didn't make up for over a month with hardly any. She had been struggling to keep her eyes open as she nursed the same shot of tequila she had fiddled with all night, something Cristina had noticed. Her answer to Cristina's probing question had merely been that she didn't feel up to a hangover in the morning. Which, while true, was not the only reason she had not drunk a lot, if any, really. Alcohol was a temporary fix. She knew that. In times past she had hidden behind it as a way to alleviate pain, a way to drown her sorrows. Alcohol was her escape from the world, a way to pretend the pain didn't exist. It wouldn't work this time. She would have had to drink an ocean of tequila to bury the pain currently residing in her heart.
Meredith twisted the key in the lock and pushed open the door, flicking on the light. The deep groan emerging from the family room gave her a start as she stepped through the door.
Derek was lying on the couch, one arm flung over his eyes to block out the light. He looked awful, his skin pale and sallow. He looked…like death.
Meredith gasped and flew across the room, bending down in front of the couch.
"Derek?" She whispered.
Derek felt the word, though quietly spoken, slam through his head and kick start another bout of pounding. He felt as though his head was being split in two, the pounding was so intense. He moved his arm from his eyes but when he registered the light was still on he groaned again. Meredith realized the problem and switched off the light before returning to her pose in front of him. Once more he removed his hand and opened his eyes, blinking a little as she swam into focus. He saw the concern on her face before the room dipped and swayed again, bright colored lights swarming into view. The headache that had been threatening all day had arrived with a vengeance, hammering behind his eyes. He closed his eyes again as the swirling room caused his stomach to churn, the nausea he had been fighting for the last hour returning.
"Migraine?" Meredith asked, barely speaking, concern twisting her features.
With tremendous effort Derek managed to nod; even that slight movement causing another series of thumping inside his head.
The panic that had raced into action at the sight of him on the couch eased. It was a headache. Only a headache. He wouldn't die. He'd be fine. Meredith eased herself up off the floor and disappeared. She was gone only a short while before she was back. She carried a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.
"Have you had anything for it?" She asked softly, crouching down beside him once more.
Derek tried to think, tried to form a coherent thought but the pain stole them all away. He had no words, he had no thoughts. He had only the incessant, repetitive pounding determined to split his head in half.
"Derek, you have to think. I need to know if you took anything." Meredith asked again, her hand pressed gently on his chest.
"I took some earlier, about 3." Derek croaked out.
Meredith checked her watch and sighed. "It's 10:30, Derek. You should have had some more hours ago."
She uncapped the lid and shook two small white pills into her palm and handed them to him along with the glass of water. Gently she helped him sit up noting the way he paled further, if that was possible, at the movement. He swallowed gratefully before sinking back down onto the couch with a small moan.
Meredith left him lying there, grabbed her bag from the front door and ascended the stairs heading towards their bedroom. Once there she flung the bag onto the bed and began gathering up the things she would need; a damp facecloth, a soft blanket and a pillow. That done she stripped out of her clothes and changed into her pajamas. With the items clutched tightly in her hands she made her way back downstairs and returned to Derek, silently walking across the room. She pulled the coffee table in the middle of the room over to the couch and set her collection of things on top of it along with the nearly full glass of water and the aspirin. She disappeared again into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of water which joined the rest of the items on the table.
"Derek, I need you to sit up for me." She whispered, nudging him softly on the shoulder.
He groaned.
"Derek, it'll just take a second and then you can lie down again, I promise."
He moaned.
Meredith ran her hand underneath his shoulder blades and began to lift him up, hoping he would get what she wanted him to do. He gave a reluctant sigh and struggled until he was sitting up. Meredith settled herself in the area he had just vacated and then guided him back down until his head rested in her lap. The coffee table laden with all her bits and pieces was within easy reach, containing everything she would need for the next little while.
Meredith picked up the cool, damp facecloth and began wiping it gently over his face, the cool material making him moan in pleasure. She dipped it in the bowl of water, wrung it out and proceeded to repeat the process all over again. She patted the top of his chest, his neck, his forehead before raising his head slightly and placing the cloth on her leg, directly under his neck. That task done she began tracing light, soft circles along his temples and running her fingers through his hair.
Derek felt the cool cloth Meredith was applying to his fevered skin and moaned in gratitude. The cool dampness was like water to a thirsty tongue, easing away some of his discomfort. When he felt her begin to massage his temples and run her fingers through his hair he could have kissed her. Well, maybe not in his current state, but the thought was definitely there. She seemed to have a magic touch, soothing his pounding head. Of course, the throb was still there but it was not as intense as it had been. As her fingers weaved their subtle magic, Derek gave himself up to the sensation and let her touch send him off to sleep.
For a long time Meredith traced circles and figure eights along Derek's forehead, occasionally roaming up past his hairline to massage his head. She felt his breathing deepen and knew he had fallen asleep. She reached towards the coffee table and grabbed the soft cashmere blanket which she threw over both of them, tucking it around his slumbering body. As she returned her fingers to their gentle caresses she was reminded once more that her rings were missing. Exhaustion hit and she fell asleep trying to remember where she had taken them off.
Sometime in the middle of the night Meredith felt him stir. She struggled to read the time in the dim light the moon provided before deciding it was safe to give him some more painkillers. She shook the bottle again, handing him the correct dose and the glass of water to which he murmured 'thanks.' She closed her eyes again, absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair once more until she fell back into a deep slumber.
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Derek awoke as the light slanted through the curtains. His head felt slightly tender but the dreaded pounding had gone. He slowly felt the fog of sleep melt away and he blinked rapidly, gradually sitting up. The room stayed where it should; there was no more unnatural swirling and dipping, no colors twirling in his eyes. He realized that he was no longer cradled in Meredith's lap. He was just getting up off the couch when she walked into the room, still in her pajamas and carrying a glass of water.
"Hey, you're up. Did you want some breakfast?" She asked.
"No, I…no." He said, grimacing at the mention of food. His head felt better but the way his stomach had felt last night food was not an appealing option at the moment.
Meredith nodded in silent acceptance and handed him the glass of water which he drank appreciatively.
"You haven't had one of those in a while," Meredith commented seating herself in the armchair opposite him, curling her feet under her.
"I know." He replied. "Added stress, I guess."
"Yeah." Meredith's voice became very thin at his words, guilt shining in her eyes.
"Mer?" Derek queried, seeing the subtle change that came over her.
"How's the head?" She asked, the change in subject not going unnoticed by Derek.
"Better. Much better. I should have known it was coming. It niggled all day. How's yours?"
"Mine? Fine." Meredith said.
"Really? No post-tequila hangover?" Derek teased.
"Nope. I didn't drink nearly enough for a hangover."
"You didn't drive yourself home though, right?" Derek asked looking slightly concerned.
"No. Of course not. Cristina nominated Izzie as the sober driver. Iz dropped me off."
"I'm sure she was thrilled." Derek drawled.
"She got over it…out of the three of us I actually think she enjoyed herself the most. Apparently she kicked Cristina's ass at darts." Meredith said with a smile.
"Apparently? So you didn't play. I mean, Joe didn't lose any customers?"
"No Derek, I didn't play. I mastered baking, I'll tackle darts another day."
Derek grinned at her before taking another sip of water.
Meredith glanced down at her lap and ran her finger over the now bare spot where her rings used to be. She would have to look for them, she felt naked without them. Her missing rings threw her back into the conversation she had had with Alex the night before. Because I don't want you to end up like me. But if you want to get through this, you need to let people in. Let people in. She needed to let people in, starting with Derek. Starting right now.
"Derek…" Meredith began, looking over at him.
To Derek she looked like a lost child, alone in a crowd of people. She looked uncertain and unsure of herself, almost…nervous.
"Yeah?" He asked watching her closely as she wrung her hands together and bit her lip.
"I'm sorry." The words were quiet, a thin whisper in an otherwise silent room. In fact, they were so quiet that if he hadn't been aware she wanted to say something he never would have heard them.
"For what?" he asked as a genuinely puzzled look graced his face.
"For…everything. For shutting you out, for adding to your stress, for…so much. I'm…I'm sorry." Meredith was looking at the floor intently now, her expression pained.
"Meredith. It's alright. It's fine." Derek promised her.
"It's not, actually, but I'm working on it." She informed him, looking up from the ground. "I shouldn't have made you worry."
"Mer, I'm always going to worry. If you had talked to me every single day I still would have worried." Derek reminded her.
"Really?" She asked.
"Of course I would. Meredith, I love you. Worrying about you is part of the package. The only way I will stop worrying is when I don't love you anymore. So I guess I'm stuck worrying about you forever." He smiled.
Her eyes lit up before a shadow passed across her face, dimming her expression.
"What?" Derek asked frowning slightly.
"I just…Nothing, it's nothing. It's silly."
"What? You thought I didn't love you anymore?" Derek asked looking shocked.
"No! No, I…I guess I wondered if you…"
"If I what?" He pressed.
"If you felt the same way after…everything." She tore her eyes away from his.
Derek got up and walked across the room, pulled her out of the armchair and sat down before hauling her onto his lap. He was silent for a moment before he began to speak.
"Meredith, Becca didn't define who we are. I loved you long before we had her and I still love you. If anything I love you more."
"Really?"
"Loving you comes as naturally as breathing. I'm not sure I know how to stop." Derek said running his hand in circular motions on her back.
He felt her relax against him as she laid her head on his shoulder.
"I love you too, you know that, right?" She asked quietly.
"I always suspected you did." He replied arrogantly as a smile curled in the corner of his mouth.
They fell into an easy, companionable silence before Meredith spoke again.
"You know, it's weird."
"What's weird?" He asked tilting his head to the side and looking down at her.
"I didn't think I wanted kids. In fact, I never thought I would have them. I always assumed…I don't know. I never saw myself married, either. Things change, I guess."
"Yeah, things change." Derek echoed.
"But I knew how much you wanted a family, how much you wanted kids. I couldn't deny you that. But then…she was born and…everything changed. It wasn't as hard as I imagined. I thought maybe I could do it, maybe I wouldn't screw it up."
"You didn't screw it up," Derek reminded her.
"I wasn't given the chance to find out if I would screw it up, Derek." She retorted angrily.
"I know, but you still didn't screw up and if things were different, you wouldn't have screwed up." He replied confidently.
"I guess we'll never know." Meredith said quietly.
"I miss her too." Derek said softly. "I miss her so much it hurts. It's like a constant ache in my stomach. I can't get rid of it. It's always there, always reminding me."
Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she realized how selfish she must have seemed, how self-absorbed. She had shut herself away in an attempt to deal with her grief while he had been left to struggle alone.
"Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Meredith said quietly as the tears rolled down her face.
"I don't want your apology, Meredith. I want your promise that we won't let this change us. That we can find a way to get through this. Together." Derek said blinking back tears of his own.
"I promise." Meredith replied softly as she raised her lips to his and sealed her promise with a kiss.
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Author's Note: Well, nothing spectacular has happened in the last few updates, but then this isn't really a 'spectacular' fic…I guess it just sort of rolls along, if that makes sense. Anyway, Mer is starting to open up thanks to good ol' Alex, and Derek is determined that this won't split them apart…so hopefully all goes well for them. Thanks for the reviews, and thank you, as always, for reading. :)
