The week alone at Redmond had not exactly been the respite from Anne that Gilbert had so badly sought. As much as he had tried to throw himself into the work for the new term that his professors had given him before break, he had a hard time concentrating on any of it. The boarding house was a desolate place, with only the quiet work of Mrs. Jenkins and one or two other fellows who didn't go home over break because of either distance or desire. Gilbert knew neither of them well and kept to himself. He said a quiet prayer for Mrs. Jenkins who made sure he was fed daily, even though he had insisted he could manage on his own. She insisted on taking care of all the wayward boarders, it was just her way. Gilbert was grateful, for without her, it would have been the longest week of his life. He remembered on his way home from the library to stop and buy her a small appreciative gift. While in the shop, he did a customary walk by the jewelry case. It was still there. The last two times Gilbert had been in this particular shop he had seen a necklace he wished he could buy for Anne. It was a pink enamel heart pendant on a gold chain. He usually laughed at it as he walked by, thinking of his candy heart peace offering. He never purchased it because it always seemed like one of those things he wanted to do but never would. He had often thought of doing something as joke, just to make her mad, so he could plead for peace with the trinket. But now, looking at it, he considered it again. Only now it wouldn't be a joke. Perhaps he could offer her this as an apology, maybe one she would accept this time. Maybe she wouldn't grind this one into dust. He pictured the pendant sitting in the hollow of Anne's throat. It would look beautiful. But when would I even give it to her? Would she even accept it? With no more thought than that, he added it to his purchases. Gilbert left the shop and began the cold walk back to the boarding house.
He had had nearly a week to think about all that had passed between him and Anne back in Avonlea. The mixture of emotions he felt about all of quite surprised him. In the beginning he felt nothing but guilt for his behavior, anger at himself for his reaction, a little angry at Anne for her unwillingness to forgive him, and second (and perhaps third) thoughts about giving her the letter. It was only in recent days that Gilbert had allowed himself to remember what it felt like to kiss her. And when he did that he could not help but smile at the treasured memory. Gilbert imagined it wouldn't have been half as rewarding had she not responded to him. That was the part that made him smile the most. Can she really claim indifference after that? Can she really claim she feels nothing for me but friendship? But Gilbert knew the answer to that. Anne Shirley could claim anything she wanted.
He wondered more often than he cared to count just how she felt about his letter. If he knew Anne, she had read it. Even if she had said she didn't want it, Gilbert knew her curiosity would demand she read it. It was the truth he wanted her to know. It was the truth he needed her to know. He wasn't sure what to expect when she returned to Kingsport. In his darkest thoughts she would come back and ignore him for the rest of eternity. Or worse yet, she would say in definitive tones that she didn't love him and never would. In his more serene moments, when he thought back to the kiss, and the dance, to the snowball fight, and to the radiant blushes he let his mind fly to the place where Anne threw herself into his arms and told him he was the only one for her.
In reality, he was confident in none of those scenarios. But just what middle ground would be he knew not. It was very likely she would still be angry with him. For kissing her and possibly for the reference he had made to her regarding Roy. But he couldn't regret any of it. The only thing he did regret was that it had come to any of this. But just what he could have done to avoid it he did not know. He was in a mess of events out of his control as much as it was of his own making. Frustrated by that thought he tried to decide what he would do once Anne was back in town. He needed to decide soon, as she was due back tomorrow. Every fiber of his being wanted to arrive on her doorstep as soon as possible to demand to know her feelings. But that he knew that would be a mistake. He had left to give her space, to give her time. He would not rush her. He had put the ball very squarely in her court. However torturous the waiting was, he would wait. He would wait a day, a week, or a month. He would wait a lifetime if he had to.
That all sounded very well in Gilbert's mind of course, after all patient waiting was sort of his stock in trade. But his heart screamed differently, very differently. All that remained was to see just what part of himself he would listen to, his rational mind that had stopped him from proposing, or his love-struck heart that gave into the temptation to kiss her.
Anne had been back at Patty's Place for an entire day before her housemates returned as well. The solace was good for her, but she was quite glad it only lasted a day. The reunion was a happy one and the ladies of Patty's Place spent a fun first evening back talking over all that had happened on Christmas break. Anne left out some rather key details of her own and wished she had the courage to tell someone about the letter. She hadn't told Diana, which she had began to regret almost as soon as she left Avonlea. She wanted to tell her, she almost had. But honestly she knew Diana would ask her questions that she had no answers to just yet.
For even now, more than a week later, Anne was as confused about Gilbert as she ever was. She had read his letter countless times by now. She had committed parts of it to memory. She would be lying if she said it hadn't touched her. It had touched her in ways she hadn't even yet realized. But what she had realized was that depths of Gilbert's feelings for her were more than she could have ever imagined. More than she perhaps thought possible of anyone. She would also be lying if she didn't admit there were parts of his letter that stung and hurt her. When he spoke of his will to stop loving her, he made it sound like loving her was punishment for him. That would have made her sad enough had she not had the insight to realize how right he was. Anne had not made herself easy to love, that she knew. But that he would speak as though it was a torture unnerved her.
She found herself completely lost on the conversation her friends were having and all of them noticed that Anne was not attending them as she always had. She tried to concentrate on what Phil was saying, but she couldn't.
"Is something the matter, Anne?" She heard Pricilla's voice cut through her thoughts. Anne snapped back to reality.
"Oh, sorry. No, Pris, my mind was wandering. Nothing is the matter." Anne lied convincingly enough.
"I bet you're thinking about how you will see Roy tomorrow!"
Roy! The truth was that Anne had barely given a passing thought to Roy in the past week, except for to think of him as his name was mentioned in Gilbert's letter. She remained incensed that Gilbert had even mentioned him, let alone called him a ridiculous fantasy! Why does he think he knows me so well?
"Yes, we do have plans tomorrow. He wrote me over break that he would like to take me out when I get back and settled."
"Did you miss him, Anne?" ask Stella, wondering if anyone ever really missed Roy when he was away.
Anne had missed Roy. But if she were honest with herself, she missed him less after New Year's when he was banished to the far part of her mind.
"Of course, I missed him," Anne replied a touch defensively. She had told the girls of their official courtship and they were all very happy for her. "How could I not?"
"I bet he brings you flowers tomorrow, Anne!" said Priscilla with a wide grin.
"I suppose he might," was all she replied.
Priscilla's grin faded as she saw Anne was not in the least bit excited to see Roy, at least she wasn't acting like it.
Aunt Jamesina had already gone to bed, wanting to give the girls time to catch up with one another, Anne decided to follow her lead. "I'm sorry girls, but I am really quite tired this evening. Do you mind if I go up to bed?"
Phil spoke first, "Not at all honey. Get some rest so you look your best when 'dream suitor' comes for you tomorrow."
Phil hadn't meant anything by her innocent and playful statement. So she was quite surprised when Anne reacted angrily. "I wish everyone would stop referring to Roy as a dream or a fantasy. He's a real person, not some childish vision in my head."
"I-I am sorry, Anne. I didn't mean anything by it," said Phil, not hurt by the outburst, but rather curious as to what would make Anne react like that.
Anne was immediately contrite as well. "I'm sorry too, Phil. I don't know what's come over me. I guess I am just tired."
"Go get some rest Anne. You'll feel better in the morning," said Stella.
Anne only nodded, said good night, and left the room. None of the other threes ladies said anything for some minutes after she left, each varying degrees of concerned for Anne. Priscilla legitimately thought Anne was just tired, Stella was convinced there was a good deal about her holiday break than Anne was letting on, and Phil only knew that whatever was bothering Anne that it was big enough to warrant further investigation.
An hour or so later, when the remaining three mutually agreed it was past the point of decency regarding bedtime, they all retired to their respective rooms. Phil saw the light under Anne's door and wondered if she were still awake.
Knocking gently, there was no answer. Phil knocked again just to be sure, but again, there was no answer. Gently opening the door, Phil peaked inside to find Anne asleep in her bed, with her writing desk and a sheet of paper lying to the side. As Phil got closer, she noticed Anne still had a pen in her had. Oh the poor dear fell asleep writing a letter or one of her stories. How very Anne of her.
Phil was now at her bedside, attempting to put Anne to bed properly. She reached to take the pen from her hand when she happened to look at the piece of paper on the desk. It only read two words, "Dear Gilbert."
If Phil's curiosity had been peaked before, now she was positively intrigued what exactly Anne might be writing to Gilbert Blythe, especially considering her emotional state.
Putting her intrigue aside, she removed the desk, the paper and the pen from Anne's bed and placed them on her dresser. Covering Anne with blankets, Phil kissed her forhead gently, turned down her lamp, and turned to leave the room. She didn't quite make it out the door when she heard Anne's quite, tired voice call her name, "Phil, is that you?"
"Yes it's me honey. I was just tucking you in. You fell asleep in the middle of writing something."
Anne sat up immediately, looking around. "Don't worry, I put it all on your dresser. Get some rest, Anne." Phil again turned to leave.
"Phil?"
"Yes?"
"Did you see who I was writing to?" Anne asked expectantly, all traces a sleepiness already gone from her voice. She found she was hoping Phil would ask her, she wanted to confide in someone after all.
"I did."
"And you don't want to know why I am writing a letter to Gilbert?"
"Oh Anne don't be ridiculous, it's taking all my restraint not to ask you ceaselessly until you tell me every detail of why you're so upset and why you are writing a letter to Gil. And while I can't say I will be happy to wait, I can still respect you enough to wait until you're ready to tell me."
Anne was immediately exasperated! "Philipa Gordon! You pick now of all times to have boundaries! Now, when I am practically begging you to ask!"
Phil smiled at her frustrated friend. Walking over to Anne, Phil sat on the bed, crossed her legs and put her hands under her chin. "Out with it, Anne! I am not leaving here until you tell me what's bothering you!" She gave Anne her most serious look, but could not hide the smile that played at her lips. "There, was that pushy enough?" she asked.
In spite of herself, Anne smiled. "I think you were just pushy enough. But are you sure you want to hear? It's rather dreadful."
"Judging by your mood, I suspect it is. But come on tell me. What's got Anne Shirley so upset and exactly what does it have to do with Gilbert Blythe."
Anne swallowed hard and resigned herself to full disclosure. It would be difficult, but if the last week had taught her anything, she could not sort through any of this on her own. She had already regretted not confiding in Diana when she had the chance. Phil was her next best option. And something told her Phil would understand.
"Gilbert kissed me on New Years Eve!" she blurted out before she could stop herself.
Phil's eyes went wide, "What do you mean he kissed you? As in he kissed you on the cheek at midnight in a room full of other people?"
"No, as in he kissed me on the lips, alone, outside, in the dark."
"What!"
"And that's not the worst part!" Anne hesitated; loathe to admit her own reaction. "I-I didn't stop him, in fact, I kissed him back."
Phil shook her head as though she had been startled awake and stared at Anne, unbelieving of what she was hearing. Finally she broke out into a wide grin, "Oh honey, you need to start at the very beginning."
And so for the next half hour, Anne regaled Phil with every detail of what had transpired between her and Gilbert. Phil listened intently, quite surprised by all of it. But she understood this was hard for Anne to talk about and didn't want her to have any cause to regret confiding in her. She remained mostly silent, only intervening with small clarifying questions.
As Anne was talking, she found that as she verbalized the truth to Phil, she could hardly even believe what she was saying was real.
Anne finally got to Gilbert's letter. She would not let Phil read it, but she did relay some of the details, well most of them. Some of them were too private and would remain that way. Anne blushed crimson when she remembered some of Gilbert's words… "I dream of being able to hold your hand and kiss you, to one day marry you and make love to you, to have children together…" Yes, those parts would most definitely remain private!
"And that's it. That's what has been on my mind for the last week."
At first Phil said nothing. She was actually trying to decide which question to ask first, for she had many.
"Wow, Anne. If you didn't look so positively serious and miserable right now I would think you made this whole thing up to play a prank on me."
"Phil!" Anne whined.
"I mean I just can't believe he kissed you! Anne that's pretty incredible! He must have been quite desperate."
Anne rolled her eyes. "I don't know about desperate but it was my fault."
"What do you mean?"
"He asked me to go back inside with him to finish our dance. I didn't go, I was the one who stood standing there. Part of me knew if I stood there he would kiss me and I stood there anyway, Phil! He even tried to warn me, but I ignored him completely." Anne's voice was getting shaky and Phil could tell she was about to cry.
"Oh Anne, please don't cry! Let's just talk this through." Phil took Anne's hand in hers and rubbed it gently. "Now that you've told me everything, how do you feel about it all?"
"Oh Phil, you wouldn't believe me if I told you! I don't even know how I feel about it. I am so angry at Gilbert and myself. But…" her voice trailed off.
"But what?"
"I've tried for days to feel guilty about it, the kiss I mean. But I just can't. Perhaps it was a fitting way to say goodbye to Gil."
"Goodbye? Anne Shirley are you crazy?" Phil was incredulous.
"Philipa Gordon, how dare you!"
"I'm sorry Anne, but do you mean to tell me that after letting Gilbert kiss you, kissing him back rather passionately, and then reading a letter from him that detailed the feelings he's had for you for a decade, you're telling me that you are going to say goodbye! Do you hear yourself?"
"I don't want to say goodbye to him, Phil! He's my best friend."
"Yes, my dear, he is! Are you still too blind to see it?" Phil stared wide-eyed at Anne. She had expected her to once and for all acknowledge that she had more than friendly feelings for Gilbert Blythe. But apparently Anne Shirley would continue down the path of most resistance for a little while longer.
Anne looked back at Phil and said nothing, she was getting a little angry.
"Has the thought not even crossed your mind yet that you might feel something more than friendship for Gilbert?"
At this candid question, Anne started. She had never considered it. Not anytime in the past week and half had she taken time to consider the question with anything more than dismissal and angry denial. She was still too mad to considerate a possibility. She was too mad at him for leaving her not once, but twice. She was mad at him for wishing he did not love her. It wasn't rational. But nothing in the past two weeks had been rational, nothing at all.
Phil saw the wheels turn in Anne's mind and realized rather quickly the answer to the question. But she wanted Anne to answer her honestly.
"Anne, will you please answer me. Can you honestly say that friendship is all you feel for him?" Phil's relentless stare bored into Anne, demanding answers she did not have. Finally she couldn't stand it anymore.
"I don't know, Phil! I don't know what or how I feel. I am so confused about everything. All I know is that the thought of Gilbert walking out of my life sickens me. I could no sooner cut of my right arm and cast it off. I don't know what that amounts to. I don't know if that's love, but I just know I can't bear the thought of it." Anne spoke frantically; as though she would lose the bravery to admit what she felt if she did not say everything in one breath.
Tears glistened in Anne's eyes and Phil's heart broke for her. Any fool could see that Anne loved Gilbert. Any twit with half a brain could see the magnetism that existed between them. Anyone with eyes could see the bond they shared. When Anne and Gilbert were together it was always like they were alone, even in a room full of people. Meeting Jonas may have made Phil admit out loud that she could never marry Alec or Alonzo, but she had already silently realized it many months before, when she finally saw what existed between these two friends. That was the kind of love she wanted, the bond of friendship. It was hard to imagine Anne could not bring herself to realize what was so plain as day to the rest of the world.
"And what about Roy?"
Anne released a long breath. "I've barely had time to think about Roy."
"Do you still want to be with him?"
How was she to answer that? "I – I think so… I don't know, Phil. Before all this happened I was so excited to come back from break to see him and now I am dreading it. I don't know how I feel or what to do. Roy is everything I have ever dreamed of. Am I really willing to throw what we have away before I even know what it is? And for what?"
Phil had finally had enough of Anne's dreams. "Anne, this is going to make you angry, but I am about to say something sensible for once, so pay attention. I get that with the life you had before you were adopted you need to make up these dreams and fantasy's to survive. I would never have been able to come through the ordeals you had as a child. You are the strongest person I know. But isn't it time to give up on these dreams? You got upset with me earlier for calling Roy a dream and then you just referred to him as the same. You were right before, Roy isn't a dream or a fantasy; he's a real person in the real world. He is flesh and bone. You can't make Roy fit into any dream you have Anne, because there just that, dreams. Roy deserves to stand or fall on his own merits. Not on some predetermined set of fantastical notions you've held in your head for years. He deserves to be judged by your feelings for him and nothing else. Anything less is unfair to Roy. The only place he will have to go is down, because there is no way he can ever be as perfect as your dreams." Anne thought Phil was done speaking and was surprised when she continued, "And frankly, it's not fair to Gilbert either. He can't compete with the impossible. You either have feelings for him or you don't. But at least figure that out while they're both on a level playing field. Judge your feelings by what's really in your heart, Anne, not by some impossible set of standards that no man on earth could ever really reach. You might just find a new dream, one you didn't even know you had. One that's real."
Anne was speechless. Phil's words hit her at her heart. She forced herself to see past the budding resentment of Phil's insight to the actual truth she spoke. Is she right? Is that really what I have been doing? And then she remembered her conversation with Gilbert the day of the snowball fight. She had as much as admitted that she held on to her dreams because she had already had to let so many of them go. They were armor against her disappointment. Even in his letter Gilbert had called Roy a ridiculous fantasy. She had been angered by that. But was he right?
"Phil, I…" What could she say? She closed her mouth and opened in again only to close it once more. She wanted to tell Phil she was wrong. That what she felt for Roy was for the man he was, not the man she put on a pedestal. But in the pale light of all that had been revealed to her, she was no longer sure. She wasn't sure of anything. "Phil, how am I supposed to sort through all these feelings? How am I supposed to determine what is a flight of fancy and what is real? How do I know the difference?"
"Deep down, you already know Anne. You just have to admit it to yourself. Once you do, you'll realize that the choice isn't between Roy or Gilbert. It's really not a choice at all, Anne. Can you do that? Can you for once admit what's in your heart without wrapping it around a fantasy?" Phil didn't expect and answer to what was a rhetorical question.
"Am I really so blind, Phil? Have I been so blind all these years?" Anne was talking to Phil, but it was more like she was talking to herself.
"You're not blind to anything, Anne. You were just completely blindsided by all this." Phil gave Anne a reassuring hug. "You and I, we're not so different. It took meeting Jo for me to realize I could never marry Alec or Alonzo. But I would have. It's what my parents wanted. It's what the society I have been raised in expected of me. And I would have done it. And I would have been miserable. Maybe Jo loves me, maybe he doesn't, but I'll always be grateful for him for what he has showed be about myself. I am more than just a spoiled rich girl destined to live a spoiled rich life. But don't think I didn't fight that knowledge tooth and nail even after I realized how I felt about him."
Anne gave a half laugh, "Trust me, Phil. Jonas loves you!"
"Oh let's not talk about little old me right now, Anne. You can listen to me whine about Jo another day." Phil turned to the desk and motioned towards Anne's writing desk and letter. "Maybe if you finish that letter you started it might give you some answers."
"It's not really for Gil, Phil. When he wrote me that letter he said he had done so a dozen times. And he had burned all of them. He meant to burn this one too. But he said that when he wrote them it was a way for him to purge me, to get me out of his head. How horrible is that?"
Phil considered it, "I admit it doesn't sound all that flattering. But think of how hard it must be to love someone the way he loves you. Think of how hard it was for him to put that letter in your hands, knowing the honestly it contained."
Anne didn't respond.
"So your going to do the same thing, write a letter never meant to be seen to purge Gilbert from your mind?"
To her surprise, Anne laughed a bit. "I would if I thought it would work. The irony in all of this is that the one person I want to talk to about it more than anything is Gilbert. And I can't talk to him. So I thought if I put my thoughts down on paper, like I was talking to him, it might help me sort out some things."
"Actually, I think that makes a lot of sense. But you know what makes more sense? Talking to Gilbert in person."
Anne shook her head, "I know, Phil. But I am not ready to do that yet. Not until I have some answers for myself."
"Are you afraid?"
"Terrified! I'm terrified I will lose my temper again, terrified we will fight, terrified I won't be able to forgive him, terrified he hates me for the misery I have caused him, terrified I can't return his feelings, terrified that I do return his feelings, and terrified that when I see him I won't be able to stop myself from wrapping my arms around him and kissing him the way he kissed me!"
Phil was surprised and impressed Anne could admit such contradictory feelings. But before she could respond, Anne added quietly, "but most of all, I am terrified he will walk away from me again."
"Oh, honey!" Phil hugged Anne again. "It's okay to be scared and unsure. But it's not okay to hide."
"I know. I just need some time."
"I understand. Where does this leave Roy?"
"I suppose it leaves him in exactly the same boat as Gil and I, unsure."
"Yes, but he doesn't know that. You did just consent to a courtship, remember?"
"Yes, Phil, I remember perfectly well, that's what started this mess in the first place!" said Anne, exasperated.
"Oh, silly Anne! This mess was started long before you even knew Roy existed."
"I know what you're trying to say, Phil. And I promise I won't lead Roy on if I realize I don't see a future with us. But I know that I do care for him."
"I know you do, Sweetie," Phil replied gently. "You need some sleep." Phil pulled the covers over Anne and turned off her lamp.
"Phil?"
"Have you ever, I mean, well have you ever been kissed?"
A coy smiled spread over Phil's lips. "I have."
"By Jonas?" Anne would have been shocked had she answered in the affirmative.
"Unfortunately not! Alonzo kissed me at a party at my parent's house one night. We were walking in the moonlight. It was all very romantic. Or, rather it should have been. It was a rather chaste kiss on the lips, and it was over fairly quickly." Phil remembered thinking what a sad state it would have been to be kissed like that for the rest of her days.
"And what was it like?"
"Honestly, it was forgettable. I don't think I would have remembered it had you not just asked me."
"Oh," was all Anne could say. She could no sooner forget her kiss with Gilbert than she could her own name.
"But when Jo touches me, holds my hand, accidently sits too close to me, it's like I lose my mind a little. I flutter from head to toe and I just know I am blushing like a fool. In those moments, I want him to kiss me more than anything." Phil knew as she spoke even without Anne telling her, that this was how she felt when Gilbert had kissed her. It was written all over her face.
"And that's love?" Anne couldn't help the shiver than ran through her as she remembered the feelings of Gilbert's lips on hers. Then almost instantly she forced herself to think of Roy's subtle touches. She had once or twice blushed and shivered with Roy, hadn't she? It was as if her other sensations had obliterated the memory completely.
Phil shrugged, "That's passion. That's a connection that I have with him. Part of it is love, and it's the part you can't fake. I tried faking it with Alec and Alonzo, tried to force myself to love one of them, to feel passionately for one of them. But it was no use. There was no spark, no depth of feelings. I knew because when I thought about spending the rest of my life without either one of them, it didn't bother me at all."
"And Jonas?"
"With Jonas, when I think about spending my life without him, I feel like there would be a part of me that would never be whole again." Phil was perfectly serious.
"You really love him, don't you?" asked Anne.
"I do!"
Anne smiled, "Jonas Blake is a lucky man, indeed!"
"Ha, yes, I believe he is!" Phil laughed. "Hopefully one day he will tell me he loves me, already!"
"You don't need words to see it, Phil. He's crazy about you!"
Phil only smiled. "Get some rest, Anne."
"Thanks, Phil, for listening. I am glad to have gotten that all off my chest." Anne's mood was indeed lighter.
"Anytime, Honey. Goodnight!"
"Goodnight!"
"And, Anne?"
"Yes?"
"I know you're scared and confused. But as you sort this all out just remember to ask yourself this one question… What would be so terrible about waking up in the morning and realizing you were irrevocably in love with Gilbert Blythe?"
And with that bold question, Phil left and closed Anne's door behind her. Anne stared at her door rather blankly, taking much more time than was traditionally necessary to understand Phil's meaning.
