Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

Her phone vibrated on her bedside table. She rolled over and looked at the clock. It was just after 5 a.m. She picked it up.

"Are you awake?" The text message said.

God, she thought. If last night wasn't awful enough, he's texting me five hours later. That was hardly even time to cool off and get a grip on the situation.

"Can you come let me in?" it vibrated again.

She picked it up again and groaned.

Again the phone vibrated. "I need to talk to you now. Before Noah is up. Please."

She sighed and shuffled to the door. At least he was trying to talk to her – he was initiating it. That had to be a good sign, right? Or maybe he was just stopping by to tell her they were just friends, and then he'd begin working at removing himself from her life from there.

She opened the door. He was still wearing what he had on the night before. He clearly hadn't even tried to sleep.

She just turned and went to the couch without saying anything, leaving him to close the door. She wasn't mad at him. She was annoyed with herself and a little embarrassed at how she'd thrown herself at him. But right now she was mostly just confused and tired. She didn't think having a conversation at 5 a.m., on the about two hours sleep she'd managed to get after running through her head several possible outcomes to the apparently misguided make-out session, was going to make her feel any less of either.

He stood in front of her. "You can sit down," she waved her hand sleepily and stifled a yawn. "I'm not going to jump your bones again."

Now he was the one that looked embarrassed but he did sit down.

"I just wanted you to know that it's not about you and you didn't do anything wrong," he said.

That line just sealed it for her. She couldn't do this right now. She was too tired. She didn't want to say anything she didn't mean or that she'd regret. She wanted more time to prepare herself for this conversation and its likely ramifications on their friendship – or the end there-of.

"Will, can we please do this later? I'd like to get at least a couple more hours before Noah's awake, if I can." It was a partial truth.

"I just really need to say this," he said.

She sighed and sat back in the couch, drawing her knee up to her chest defensively. "OK. I'm listening." Or at least she was trying to.

"Umm." He'd practiced it all in his head before coming over, he'd even said parts of it out loud to himself, but now he couldn't seem to get it out.

She sighed again, more audibly annoyed this time.

"I was enjoying what we were doing," he spat out.

"Yeah, I noticed that," she said, sounding a little harsher than she meant to.

He fidgeted again with his hands.

"It's just that it's been a while … like it's really been a while," he said, "and I was enjoying it and … when you started to…" he waved his hands at his crotch "… I thought it was going to get … embarrassing. I was going to cum in your hand … or my pants."

Now she was staring at him. OK, that was not one of the potential scenarios she'd run through her head while laying in bed and cursing herself.

He looked down. "I haven't been with anyone since Tessa died." He glanced at her sideways as that set in.

"You haven't been with anyone in ten years?" she said, almost in disbelief but suddenly feeling selfish on more levels than she could've ever imagined.

He stumbled to explain. "It just kind of happened. I mean, I was grieving and then as I got passed that, I didn't … just want to be with just anyone. I just didn't feel right about it. I kind of wanted to know them or feel like there was something to it. I just couldn't bring myself to do the fucking spree thing. And I was just kind of starting to get back into really dating and not just going out when I met you … and Noah … and I was spending a lot of time with you guys and I just didn't really know how to explain that to a girlfriend … so just kind of … avoided anything serious."

He looked at her again, she was staring and her jaw was sitting slightly slack.

"It's not like I haven't dated and done …," he said. "I just haven't …"

She still wasn't saying anything so he kept on babbling against his better judgment.

"And it's just that, even if you get beyond Tessa, I just don't have a lot of experience. I'd only been with two other women before her, and you …" he kind of looked at her but didn't want to stick his foot in his mouth. He knew she was more experienced than him.

"I just know that … the first time isn't going to be … very good," he glanced at her again. "I just don't want you to judge me on it. I'm just out of practice. I know what I'm doing."

She touched his arm but didn't say anything. He wasn't looking at her. In his discomfort he seemed like a teenaged kid who had some how managed to end up in the bedroom of the older college girl only to realize he had no idea what the hell he was doing. He just seemed so awkward and embarrassed – and scared.

"I'd really appreciate it if you said something," he finally sighed, pressing his hands into his eyes and shaking his head.

She moved closer to him and rubbed his shoulder, before looping her arm around his.

"I could tell you knew what you were doing," she said.

He snorted. "Yeah?"

"Well, if me grinding my crotch against you wasn't clue enough," she nudged him in the side gently. "I almost came in my pants too," she added, feeling a little silly admitting it. She was a grown woman.

But he laughed a little.

They sat quietly for a few minutes.

"I haven't been with anyone since I had Noah. Well, I guess, actually, more accurately, since I got pregnant with Noah."

He looked at her. "Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

She nodded. "I guess I haven't really figured out how to combine the whole single motherhood thing with dating and having a sex life." She didn't really like to think about that.

She'd kind of hoped that at some point it would've just clicked and she would've felt OK going out with a man again and starting a relationship – or at least going out and getting laid. But even thinking about it made her feel guilty on levels she wouldn't have even considered before having Noah. Not to mention, she sure as hell wasn't going to bring some strange man home anymore with her son sleeping in the next room - and she'd never been one to go over to their place. So what she thought might be just a rut until she got out of caring-for-baby mode had turned into a rather significant drought. She at times wondered if it was going to turn into about 18 years of celibacy. Some nights it made her want to bash her head against the headboard.

"I'm kind of out of practice too," she admitted.

She wondered if he felt as uncomfortable and pathetic admitting it all out loud as she did.

"We can go as slowly," she finally said. "I didn't mean to rush you. I … my emotions are just running high lately. I just felt like I needed to be touched. But if aren't ready for that, it's OK."

He nodded. "No, I know. I feel it too," he sighed. "And, it's not that I'm not ready. It's just …"

She nodded. "Well, then, I guess, it can basically be whenever you want then. You just have to let me know … somehow."

He snorted and kind of rolled his eyes. "OK."

"I won't judge you," she met his eyes. "First times always suck anyways. You were actually doing pretty good."

He allowed a small smile, that she thought had a touch of slyness to it. "I'd been thinking about it a while."

"Mmm." She paused and ran her hand down to hold his. "Me too."

They fell quiet again.

"Thank you for telling me," she whispered.

He just nodded against her cheek.

I have several more chapters running around this general timeframe in the AU. Let me know if you want more. Feedback is always appreciated.