My hands bled as the blisters on the palm of my hands broke and deteriorated further, new wounds forming despite the bandages I wore. I wish I could have slept however I was jolted back to reality after just a couple of hours. Draining my own batteries I tried to summon old powers through pain and anger.
It was Yamazaki who stopped me, literally pulling the swords from my hands and immobilised me long enough to really assess the state I was in.
"Who did this to you?"
I was bruised, dirty, hair a mess. There has always been a darker side to be, always something sinister brewing inside and pushing me, letting me endure pain, so I smirked.
"I am fine."
"Fine? You call this fine?" he yelled looking at my hands "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Don't let a man define who you are Valery."
Those words brought me back, like a shot of something sour. Looking at his troubled face I memorised the pain written on it. Why was I doing this? For Hiei? Because of him? Smiling at Yamazaki I apologised for the hardship he had to endure because of me but he still bandaged my hands and made sure my bruises were not due to broken bones, all that without batting an eye.
As soon as I was all patched up and after promising him I would let my body heal I went to find Saito. Hey, I said heal, not rest! I had things to say to the stoic samurai and even if Hijikata might have punished me again I still had to know some things.
Because if I didn't hear those worlds coming out of his mouth and his alone I would break further. If he was following Hijikata's orders I wanted him to tell me, to let me know how easy it was to just abandon me.
To tell me I'm loveless.
To tell me I wasn't good enough for him.
To push me away if needed but not to let me wonder in the dark. There past few months have been hard on their own.
Confront me!
Yell at me!
DO SOMETHING!
I have managed to find him late, close to sunset, near the river banks. He was just standing there looking up at the sky contemplating on things I couldn't see.
"Saito!" I called out to him regretting the action immediately. What the fuck was I doing? His eyes travelled to me, lingering as he came closer, tracing with his long fingers the bandages on my hands, the bruises on my arms, my cracked lip, the bruised cheek "About Hijikata's orders."
Saito tilted his head to the side slightly as the words clenched in my throat and I could feel tears chocking me. His arms wrapped around my body, one hand softly stroking my hair as I cried.
"I don't intend to honor his order and he knows that."
The air in my lungs set still as I looked up to him in bewilderment. He was the man who would always follow orders, obey Hijikata blindly at every step.
"How come?"
A smile graced his lips and damn it looked good on him, too bad it was such a rare sight.
"I have waited far too long for a chance to get close to you."
"So you won't abandon me?"
I knew it sounded cheesy and stupid but he looked genuinely upset by my deduction skills. Leaning in to close the distance between us he hesitated as he searched my eyes.
"You're scared despite your tough exterior, you are frightened and a big part of it has nothing to do with me. Tell me, do you regret our night together?"
A simple "no" could not suffice. He was reading into me, but if my answer was certain why would I be scared? Pulling him closer I felt his lips on mine. I didn't regret our night together.
"And your husband?" he asked as our lips parted.
"I can't love someone who doesn't love me back. He left me, no reason, no motive and I can't forgive that." His eye squinted slightly so I continues "Hajime Saito, you can't expect me to just stop having feelings for him, that won't happen because there is a lot of history there and unanswered questions as well. I won't lie to you in this sense, but believe me, just love is never enough."
His eyes fell back to my lips for a brief moment before gazing back in my eyes.
"I accept that answer, but I have a condition."
Nodding slightly I tried not to think too hard about it and just let him tell me his terms.
"I wish you know your name."
"Oh!" I blinked in surprise and smiled "It's" a sharp quick pain travelled though my skull, fading quickly before I provided him my name "Ella." For some reason he looked happy, like he just found out a long kept secret of the world.
That night we all sat outside around a big fire drinking and laughing. Hijikata did not say a word as me and Saito came back together, but rather watched us with a satisfied look on his face, like he had just accomplished a hard task. Don't worry commander dear I don't intend to hurt your prized samurai. Of course not like we even held hands but rather just sat near each other, his forearm gently brushing mine as I poured some sake for him and stole a glance.
We cooked meat over the fire and laughed as Shinpachi told us story after story. Harada performed his famous belly dance which by that point we have all seen but still laughed like it was the first time we were given the performance.
That night I also learned I was not alone. Thunder struck as the sky was still clear and my body tensed as the first gush of wind blew. It felt ominous and Saito felt it was well. His eyes turned to quicksilver as he watched his surroundings and my hand brushed his as I reached for my swords that were placed behind us. He gently took hold of my wrist turning his face to me.
"Tonight no one will hurt you, no one will take you away."
Lightning flashed and I flinched as thunder struck once more my heart beating uncontrollably. His fingers gripped me in a reassuring manner as I exhaled sharply when he advised me to act normal. My eyes went to Hijikata who gave me a reassuring nod, his eyes quickly moving to the trees. He picked up to Saito's mood in a heartbeat without even questioning it. It's either they felt danger near or he trusted his judgment. Of course he did.
Shinpachi passed in front of us taking Harada by the neck, both balancing each other in a drunker manner, but when my eyes met theirs there was so much determination and clarity set in their expression that it made me stand up straighter, control my shivering and shaking hands and just ease into it.
No one would dare come for us. We were all ready, even Chizuru who smiled my way, who was used to demons trying to take her away. We belonged to the Shinsengumi and no one would dare touch us. No demons alive would dare.
