A/N: By popular request, here's Elliot's point of view. Please review! I still don't know what to do about Fin, but if I ever think of something, I promise to post it. Thanks, guys!
My father always told me I wouldn't amount to anything. Sometimes I think he was right. But only sometimes.
I don't know why I even bother thinking about that bastard these days. He's been dead for years, and I probably don't feel as bad as I should when I think 'good riddance'. He was one of those people who should not have become a parent. He didn't hold up his end of the father-son bargain, so I should just ignore everything he ever said to me, but I can't. I hate that.
It makes me feel weak. There is no feeling I hate more than weakness, helplessness, so it's not wonder that I can't stand even the memory of my dad. No one has ever made me feel more worthless or more…stuck. No matter what I did, I couldn't improve his opinion of me, but I kept trying. And I kept failing. It gave me a dim view of life, and myself.
You always hear that abuse goes in cycles. Parents are abusive because that's how they were brought up. I never talked to my dad about it, so I have no idea how his parents treated him, but the fact that I grew up in an abusive household terrified me. When I found out Kathy was pregnant, I could hardly breathe. All I kept hearing in my head was my dad yelling at me, screaming at my mom, the crashes when he threw stuff at the walls…I don't think I said a word for five minutes.
Kathy sure got pissed at me. What brought me back to the present was her yelling at me, telling me that I wasn't being supportive and that the baby was my fault too. Our argument scared me out of my mind. Our first trial as parents, and Kathy and I were both losing it. Plus it broke my heart for her to call the baby "our fault". Poor kid, to be acknowledged first and foremost as a mistake, an error. I know I was nothing but a mistake to my dad.
In any case, I vowed to myself that I would be nothing like my dad, that the cycle, if it in fact existed, would end with me. I didn't completely succeed. I made some huge mistakes that I'm still ashamed of, and will be for the rest of my life. But I know that I did break the cycle, even if I slip up sometimes. I love my kids more than life itself, which is much more than my dad could say. He never loved me, and, if he were alive, I don't think he'd tell you any different.
So whenever I start to think that my dad was right, that I'm worthless and pathetic, I think about my kids. We've had fights, but I know they love me. That's worth a ton.
When everything else is falling down around me, though, even the love of my kids doesn't feel like enough. When Kathy left me, and took them with her…that was the closest I ever was to fulfilling my dad's words and making my life nothing. Forever. I wanted to end it all like I never had before, but I couldn't. Not for a noble reason either, I'm sorry to say. Well, not for a completely noble reason. I didn't want my kids to suffer, though at that point I wondered how much it would affect them anyway. I know now that it was ridiculous of me to think that way, but I couldn't help it. So it was partly for them that I didn't do it. But mostly, it was because I couldn't stand the idea of proving my dad right.
I hate that he ingrained this stupid insecurity in me. I hate that, because of him, I can never think of myself in a perfectly positive light. I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions…for my temper, my stubbornness, my…everything. But I can't help blaming him for starting me on this path.
My dad was wrong. Well, maybe not completely wrong. I'm not sure what I'm worth by myself, but luckily, I don't have to find out. I have people who care about me, and they make everything worth it.
I work for my kids so they can have the things they need and some things they just want. I work for Kathy because part of me will always love her, if only as the mother of my children. I work for the victims, to make their lives better. I work for Cragen because he's the father I wish I had. I work for John, Fin, Melinda, Casey, Huang, and everyone else because they are great people and they deserve to have someone watching their backs. I work for Olivia because I love her, and her love is enough to keep me going through anything.
Olivia has told me that I'm a good man. So many times. Too many times. I'm not fishing for flattery when I shake my head; I just truly can't stand hearing her call me that. She's a good person, and I don't come close. But for some reason she thinks I do. I'll never understand, but I appreciate it all the same.
When I start to give up on myself, I just look at the picture on my desk. It's of Olivia and me at some holiday party, and I'm smiling. Really smiling. She makes me happy, happier than I've ever been before. Happiness and love are the most important somethings I can think of. So I know my life did amount to something in the end.
