Life aboard Serenity had arrived at a somber stalemate.

Each and every night for two months, River lay motionless on her bed until she had sensed that every last pair of eyelids had fluttered closed. Then she would wait a bit longer until everyone had finally sunk into the depths of slumber before tenuously and ever so quietly slipping from her room to make the long, languorous journey down to the cargo bay.

She was determined to no longer be a burden or remain bedridden and helpless. If she couldn't realize a clear perspective on her love life, then in the very least, she could attempt to reclaim management over her state of being.

When her nightly trips became less strenuous, she spent the following hours in the hold using academy-learned fundamentals as physically therapy. She began with the soft movements of Tai Chi to gradually strengthen her body and regain balance. In time, when her muscle strength increased and her chest no longer burned in pain, she practiced the 82 different forms of embedded martial arts training.

Her dance of death was a thing of beauty. Her body shifted and moved with precise skill as she employed her limbs in deliberate, quick motions. When she grew bored with her katas, she incorporated various types of weapons into her workouts, upping the challenge.

The nights she used Jayne's weights for strength training, she was careful to position them back in their rightful places as not to raise question. During the few times Jayne or Mal wondered down into the hold on suspicion of sound, she simply disappeared into the shadows and held her breath.

No one needed to know yet why she was so determined and in such a hurry to become well.

During this time, the rest of the crew was kept extremely busy thanks to a series of jobs Mal had taken on. Everyone was exhausted from the unusual abundance of employment and having little time to rest and prepare in between missions.

River was never asked to join the crew on their recent adventures. Simon had assured her it was for the best, and naturally not having to send his sister out into gunplay left him feeling relieved.

A familiar feeling of alienation followed, despite the logical reasoning that everyone was just concerned for her safety and health. River always felt at the height of her sanity when she was needed, when she could put to use the weapon into which the government had made her.

---

Jayne had stolen quietly down again in the middle of the night to watch River. Situated high above the bay at the entrance of the catwalk, he silently observed her.

Her weapons gleamed when they caught the few lights cast from overhead and he smirked as he watched her move. No matter how many times he'd seen her twirl destructively about, it never ceased to impress the matching fighter in himself.

He had come down a few nights back, his gun fully cocked and loaded after hearing a loud clanging noise. If there was another operative about, he wanted to make damn sure he wasn't going to miss out on the action this time around.

Scanning the bay with tracker eyes, he spotted the girl's red sweater hung up over the weight bench and smiled to himself. After pretending to leave, he hung back a while and watched as she emerged from her hiding spot.

He had no idea what River was up to, but it was obvious she didn't want anyone to know about it. For a brief moment he considered letting Mal in on the whole situation but then he remembered he despised the captain beyond reason.

He had heard Kaylee loud and clear that night, but it didn't keep his lips from twitching when the captain walked in the room all high and mighty like. It always seemed the 'verse revolved around Mal and his word as law.

Mostly, he was bitter that despite his best efforts, he couldn't win back River because Mal had to go and play hero again.

What was it that was so gorram special about Mal that every woman from Triumph to Sihnon flocked to him? Cap could have any damn girl he wanted, why did he have to settle his sights on crazy?

Deep down, he knew exactly why. It was the same reason he couldn't give her up. She was like some sick, addicting drug. One hit and your body never forgets the high.

Most of the time, he spent his nights fantasizing about his object of obsession. His thoughts would start out with soft, long, dark hair spilling over his stomach and thighs as he held her head gently in place. His fantasy would then continue with him devouring her flesh with his hot mouth, enjoying the phantom taste of every inch of her. Doused in a sweat, he would climax to the memory of her voice as she cried his name.

As much as he wanted to grab hold and kiss those little pouty lips when she walked on by, he didn't. Things were different now.

Jayne looked down at River one last time before heading back to his bunk. She was doing some insane stretchy thing, her lithe body bending in ways that made him hope she would hurry and come to her senses soon.

River suddenly looked up when she heard the catwalk creak. She was confronted with feelings of intense longing before she spied the retreating form of the mercenary.

River sighed and picked up her pace, vigorously drowning her guilt with fiery pain and sweat.

----

The only interactions River allowed herself to have with Mal and Jayne were during dinner time and in passing. She was determined to get her head on straight before moving forward with anyone.

She wore her old baggy clothes again and stopped wearing her sweet smelling perfumes. Late nights conveniently kept her in bed until late afternoon. The less she saw of them the easier it would be, or so she thought.

Proximity, alone, was a dangerous thing.

River found she couldn't stop the emotive racing of her heart whenever Mal glanced her way. His sad gaze would linger for the briefest of moments before he feigned indifference and looked away. This caused the beating in her chest to falter and almost seize altogether.

Nor could she make her skin stop burning in sweet pleasure as Jayne's fantasies crawled into her dreams, haunting her nights with ecstasy. It took everything she had to resist the temptation to drop down into his bunk and stretch her body across his and dream with him.

Regardless of how hard she tried not to feel them, love and lust, anger and disappointment, it had swirled together as one and blasted its way into her awareness.

---

Mal stood broodingly at the entrance to River's room. He held his breath and steadied himself with his right hand as he watched her sleeping form gently rise and fall.

The gratifying emotion of finally being able to see her unheeded conflicted sharply with his embittered inner struggle as he tried to grasp the reality of the situation.

It had been so long, he wondered were he stood in her eyes, in her heart, and then he wondered if he should even care at all.

Her sweet voice cut through the night and startled his dubious thoughts. "You have a bad habit of doing that."

"Doing what?" Mal questioned as he stepped further into the room and looked down across the gentle curve of her neck, following its line down her back.

"Watching me sleep." River mumbled into her pillow.

Mal thought back to all the times he stood pondering the existence of River Tam while observing her handsome face, relaxed during the peace of unconsciousness.

"It's not always quiet in my dreams. Battles rage there too." Her voice was tight with emotion as she spoke. "We cannot escape pandemonium no matter where we retreat."

Understanding her double meaning, he nodded in accord.

River slowly propped herself up so she could fully appreciate Mal's presence. He looked tired and worn out, and his shoulders drooped like a beaten man. At that moment she desperately wanted to return the grace she had taken from him, to see him smile again, if only once.

There was a dense silence as their gazes locked together. Even in the dim lighting her eyes shone bright. They were absolutely mystifying. She was entirely a mystery and it was hard for him to determine exactly what she was feeling. He had only just begun to understand the complexities of her tortured soul, even if mirrored his own.

He had asked her once if she was the girl or the weapon. Ironically, as he had come to find out, both were equally detrimental.

Mal spoke up, piercing the quiet. "Merely wanted to see how you were holdin' up. I'm gonna…I got things to do," he finished lamely. As he turned to leave, River beckoned to him.

"Don't leave. There are things left unspoken." She patted the empty spot next to her on the bed and ordered him to sit.

Mal hesitated. "Think I'll stand. Say your peace."

River flinched at the icy distance that laced her captain's tone. She had wounded him deeply, tore a hole where repair was unreachable.

He needed to understand. She needed to make him understand. River took a deep, painful breath and looked at Mal mournfully. "Should have confided in you from the start despite your assertions otherwise."

Mal remembered reassuring a sobbing River time and again, telling her that she could talk to him about her troubles when she was ready even though it tore him up inside not knowing the source of her pain.

He had assumed that her state was triggered by some horrific academy flashback. Never in his wildest imagination would he have guessed Jayne as the source of her heartache.

"He broke me." River concurred, picking up on Mal's comprehension. "I came to you. You have always picked me up after falling. Saved me despite your uncertainty. You held me and gave me comfort. I did not expect to relish in it."

Mal allowed himself to forget the moment and smile at the memory of their harmonious beginnings. "We had ourselves some good times. I thought that we…"

Disconcerting images of Jayne and River together suddenly tumbled unnervingly through his mind, interrupting the happy picture of what could have been. "Doesn't matter, things change. People change."

River contemplated a moment. "They do. Jayne has. You've seen it too."

Mal's face drained of its color and life. "You do what you need to darlin'. No one's stopping ya."

River fought the pressure of tears welling up behind her eyes as they slowly dripped to the front and stung her vision.

Mal froze as he began to notice moisture glossing her eyes and her bottom lip starting to quiver. Damn if he didn't have a soft spot for crying girls, this one especially.

"The love is different, yet the same." River whispered faintly, looking down at her hands and then back up for his reaction.

Mal couldn't help himself. As much as he wanted to understand her, it felt like he was being branded with a hot iron. "Yeah, well, that's all good and gone now. You and me, altogether that was just a lapse in proper judgment." He sternly asserted this point and then looked away, avoiding all and any eye contact.

"You don't believe that." River whispered hopefully.

"I do." he answered firmly.

River was quiet a moment before relenting. "Ok."

"Fine. Great. What?" Caught off guard, Mal turned his stunned expression back to River.

"You're right. It was a mistake. All of it." she exasperated, her eyes shining with hurt. "You, Jayne, my being here. Should have never taken a chance on love. We gamble with our lives every job we undertake. I've calculated the probability for peril and it's certain. Ridiculous to think we could do the same with our hearts. Life is disposable. Love is not even worth its prospect."

Mal put his hands up in defense. "Whoa there, slow down now. You implyin' I'm scared?"

"Most definitely. But I understand. It's easier to live this life simply. No complications. Eat, breathe, kill and die. Sounds extraordinary." River replied sarcastically.

"Don't think I don't know what your playin' at, lil' one. That psychobabble crap don't work on me. I was just as contented before. Can be that way again. You're making this more complicated than need be." He lied.

"Peacefully happy and satisfied with the way things are, or with what you have done or achieved." River agreed.

"Don't patronize me," he snapped. She was wearing him down, making his already confused feelings more chaotic than they were to begin with.

"I'll stop if you confess."

Mal glared at her and answered her challenge, weary of playing games. "Confess what? That I was falling for you more'n I'd like to admit? That I finally found somethin' in this 'verse worthwhile and none of it meant a gorram thing? That your being with Jayne is somehow supposed to make me feel thrilled? 'Cause it don't. Is that what you want to hear? Honestly, I don't think ya know what you want."

Mal turned once again to leave when he felt River grab his hand in both of hers and yank him back, forcing him to look at her. "I do. I know what I need now."

The captain finally relented and sat on the edge of the bed. River slowly brought his hands to her lips and kissed them. "I'm sorry. For everything." He could feel her tremble as hot tears fell from her face and left wet, burning trails across his skin. "You won't like it." She whispered, her voice quivering.

Mal felt his heart swell in panic. This was it. He was going to lose her. As much as he tried to tell himself it would be better this way, alone with his freedom and Serenity, he felt her loss even more.

He peered into her tear-streaked face, her black lashes glistening. She was so beautiful sometimes he forgot himself. Gently, he brushed his thumb across her cheek wiping away a lone tear. All he ever wanted was to make her happy, and if she had made him happy in return, then that was just an added bonus.

Leaning in, he pressed his mouth against her soft, warm lips savoring one last salty tear-stained kiss as he felt a pleasant spark seep into his heart.

River sank into his lips and tenderly returned his kiss as vertigo swept over her mind and body. Mal squeezed his eyes shut and silently prayed to his forsaken god that it wouldn't be their last. Pulling away, he braced himself for her words.

River took a minute to recover, her expression slightly surprised by the power of the kiss. Hesitation for what she was about to say creeped up on her but she determinately shook it away. Her heart pounded with a combination of love and fear as she gathered up the courage to speak. "I cannot bear to hurt you or Jayne any longer. Been the cause of so much unhappiness. Always upsetting the balance of things. Have a chance to rectify that now."

Squeezing Mal's rough hands in her dainty ones, River declared with absolute certainty the decision she had secretly resolved to keep while first starting on her path to recomposing her life and emotional sanity. "I'm leaving Serenity."

TBC…