This chapter gets really emotional and sad. I literally almost started crying. Sorry. Are one's own stories supposed to make one cry?
He slowly opened his eyes to the darkness of his surroundings, for a moment wondering if he truly was awake. He went to move a limb and sucked in a painfully cold breath as a sharp pain shot up his entire body, leaving him unable to move for a moment as he shivered uncontrollably.
Arthur looked around him as his eyes adjusted to the dim light. He recognized the walls of the cave, having stared at the same craggy walls the night before. That was when the memories of the day before came back in an instant. He searched to see if anyone was in the vicinity with his magic, only to find it expended, leaving him only with his own presence, everything else feeling desolate and empty in his power's absence.
With a huff, he turned back to stare at the wall, knowing his vulnerability and how there was nothing he could do about it that wouldn't make it worse. Arthur cursed himself. He'd known ever since he'd seen that gang at the tavern, and yet, did he even investigate? No. He'd let all this happen. He'd spent all of the night before the attack on-edge, but had done nothing about it. Was Alfred all right? Was he even Alfred anymore, his brain being invaded by such a magician as...Koaru? Was that his mentor's nephew? The boy was harsh and unforgiving after his magic crept up on its victim before they could even react. Would he have left Alfred all in one piece, or would he have torn his conscious up until there was just a shell?
Arthur had seen such a thing happen, a long time ago. It had been at the academy, and two students had been in the middle of a duel. One had been known to be malicious and dangerous, and had started hounding after a newbie, leading to this battle. It had been obvious who was going to win, but the more experienced and heartless one of the two forced his way into the other's mind. When the new boy didn't give in, he purposely overwhelmed the boy, ripping his very being apart, all being left was a body and two eyes which would stare away into nothing. It had been the eyes that had been most disturbing, the once cheerful boy forever silenced. The boy who'd done this was expelled, threatened with death if he ever did this to another student. Arthur thought that would be his last encounter with this sort of thing, but whatever had been done to Alfred, he hoped with all his heart not to see those brilliant glowing eyes dull and unseeing as he briefly had before.
And what Yao had said as Arthur had lost consciousness...if Alfred wasn't a vegetable, had he left with Yao, like everyone else eventually did? He'd probably seen Yao's power and left Arthur to make the trip home by himself in search of fame and fortune and possibly a human body. A tear rolled down Arthur's cheek, although he wished it hadn't. He felt so weak, and to let the tear slip was almost like letting himself down. He had to be strong, because how else would he survive the pain of loneliness?
Arthur? Are you awake? The voice was quiet, hesitant, and exactly what Arthur had been praying to hear, although he had no idea if that opinion would change in the near future.
"Y-yes." His voice cracked, betraying its lack of use and the nervousness that Arthur felt.
There was suddenly a warm body next to him, a soft lick on his cheek, although it was so faint, he wondered if he was imagining things. I thought you were going to die and it would be all my fault.
Arthur smiled softly. "Come now, I'm not that fragile, Alfred. I was more worried about you."
I'm fine, now that foreigners are out of my mind. Alfred moved closer, and Arthur wasn't cold anymore, Alfred's large body giving off all the heat he needed. But he wondered how long that heat would be there.
"And Yao?"
What about him? He left right after he healed you. Of course, Alfred would be more willing to ditch Arthur when he was healed than injured, being a 'hero'.
"So will you be leaving to catch up with him soon or are you waiting for me to leave first?" Arthur's face was turned down to the ground to hide his expression of pain. If this was what Alfred wanted...
What? I'm not going anywhere. Arthur...you heard what he said? I turned him down, Arthur. Arthur's eyes flew wide open, his face in an expression of disbelief as he looked at Alfred, meeting his eyes for the first time since he woke up, causing his mind to freeze for a moment.
They were so blue, dazzling blue. Sure, Arthur had thought them beautiful before, the way they glowed with some sort of deep latent magic, but as he looked into them now, he could hear Alfred, could see him. These eyes, the thought earlier that he might have lost these eyes, it made him somehow feel different as he looked at Alfred. He'd under-appreciated Alfred's company these past couple days, that constant voice, those shining eyes always there to greet him when he woke up. These same eyes who belonged to a lio-no, man, who had turned down an offer much more than Arthur could ever make without a second thought.
"Why...? How...? Alfred..." There was a serious expression meeting his, Alfred's face almost making human expressions.
Arthur, why would you ever believe that I would abandon you for a stranger who forces himself into my mind to mock me? Although you don't seem to realize this, we're in this thing together, and I'm not leaving your side for a moment, no matter what is to come. I'm not about to go gallivanting off with Yao and leave you behind. You're my friend, the...closest friend I have. I wouldn't give that up for any power, fame, or riches that man had to offer. I...I...care...about you...I thought by now you'd realize that. Alfred looked down at him, and Arthur felt his breath hitch. No one other than his mother had ever felt that way about him, never had told him that. And Alfred had all on his own accord. Arthur didn't know what to say.
"Thank you."
There was a certain warm and affection in what he heard next.
For what?
Matilda stared into his purple eyes for about five minutes before Lilli behind her coughed, bringing her back down to earth. She immediately felt blood rush to her cheeks and turned her face to the ground, away from the enchanting eyes of the man she loved.
"S-sorry. Ivan, please sit down over here with me on the bench... I mean, if it doth please you, brave Ivan, Earl of..."
"Tilly..." The sound of his voice sent a shiver down her spine, and there was a hand on her wrist as she turned to beckon him to the bench. It pulled her back into his arms, and as one wound around her tiny waist, the other gently took her chin between two fingers, tilting her face back up to his. "Don't. There is no need for courting formalities and language. That is not what I fell in love with, and the men who fall in love with silly words desire just that. Words, not the woman who says them." There was a finger tracing her cheek. She, on impulse, moved her head a centimeter forward, and stood on her tip toes to kiss him just then, surprising all three people present. She'd never truly initiated anything, and felt in return Ivan's hand curl around into her hair, holding her close.
They pulled apart after what seemed too short a time to go over to the bench nearby, Lilli taking her place in the chaperone chair, her face in a light blush as she tilted her head down to hide her face with her hair. Shows of affection caused this sort of thing from her, Matilda offhandedly remembered, but the thought went into the back of her mind as Ivan took her hand.
"The diplomat to Acirema from Aissur is very old," he said at last.
"And?"
"I've written to the emperor. The diplomat has just gone home to resign and retire, and I've asked that since I'm already here, and belong to such an important and powerful family that I be allowed to take over the diplomat's position. Meaning while I'll still leave for two weeks off and on, I'll have a reason to stay indefinitely and Francis won't be able to stop me. And I can elope with you at any time if need be."
Matilda didn't know what to say. The idea was perfect for their situation, although Ivan's increasingly numerous mentions of elopement began to weight on her mind. Did she love him enough...no, that wasn't in the equation. She was madly in love with him, his mannerisms, his gentle touches, his boldness. But was she willing to give everything up? Was she willing to run out on her people and disappoint everyone? She knew her mother would have done so for her father, but they'd never been faced with such a situation. How would she handle this?
If Ivan truly asked her to come away with him, could she just give everything up, knowing she would probably never get it back?
"Are we sure of this, that the emperor will give you the position? You are young, inexperienced."
Ivan chuckled softly, flicking his head slightly to the side, throwing his hair back from his face. "Matilda, I would not be in the castle if not for my wits. I diplomatically have avoided all sorts of tricks that Francis has tried to use to get rid of me. The only problem would be my family's history." Matilda stiffened. She had to ask...
"Gilbert...Gilbert, while he was pretending to come courting after my hand, he said that there were rumors going around about how the boys in your family face each other to the death. Is this the family history that would prevent you holding the position?"
She looked up at the Aissurian, who'd gone deathly still, his eyes adorning a far away and troubled expression. "She's told others...the family..."
"Ivan...please, tell me it isn't..."
He was distant, staring ahead, his whole demeanor changing in an instant to a side of him she'd never seen before, and immediately she felt something was wrong, like she'd opened a door that should never have been opened. Something had just seemingly cracked in Ivan's personality. "There were three boys in the Braginski line. My father had three wives. Two passed before he did. He had five children who survived infancy. A boy by the first, my older sister and I by the second, and by the third, Natalya and...a little toddler. It was a tradition, a tradition you know, that when the first son came of age...he had to prove worthy of his first birth privilege. My father...he didn't really want to go through it, as he had deeply loved his first wife in a way he'd not loved the others, and his first child was his only image of her. But his third wife, somewhat insane like her daughter, told him off for being a sissy, going easy on other wives' children, putting them before hers. She told him so in the village square, in front of everyone. To keep his honor, he had to go through the ceremony."
No...
He clenched tightly onto her hand, painfully, but she said nothing, as he would not hear her even if she tried. "It was simple. The boys had to fight each other for their right to the family title. Father's first child, his name was Nikki, he was four years older than I, and the ceremony was held two weeks after his eighteenth birthday. He had been a charming boy, a scholar, dreamer, lover, not a fighter. Father's first wife apparently had been just like him. And just as frail, she having almost died during Nikki's birth, the next year a miscarriage being too much for her. He was always meant to be an only son, or one who gave up his rights to his title and moved in with his mother's relatives. But he couldn't give it up as the first born, and there were no relatives to run away to. I was...well, a fighter. Father knew who was going to win, as did I. So, to get back at his wife, who he'd hated after she'd birthed a possible heir of her own, he told her that all sons would have to participate.
"She'd believed that I would kill Nikki, then she could get rid of me easily, as she imagined my father would despise me for killing his favored son, and her little tot would get everything, thinking also that Father would exclude him due to his tender age." Ivan stared off, remembering it all.
"Father, no! I can't...Nikki, he's my brother!" The man behind the wooden desk had his head in his hands. Emotion was so thick in the study one could cut it with a knife. Ivan didn't like displaying emotions openly, but in the private study, as Father had always said, if one had to show emotions, it had to be here.
"I know, Ivan. I realize. But she'll know if Nikki runs away, and my honor will be questioned and our family's position will become unstable."
"Kill her, then. Kill her now and be done with it. Nikki can have the title, I renounce my right-"
"IVAN! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU EVER GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS! I knew all along it was to be this way...I should never have married her, I would have been able to forego this whole charade, just have you rule through Nikki, or have him assume the title before signing it off afterwards. But we're past that point, and we will not be cowards about this, we will act like true Braginskis. I will have my revenge, and you will...I'm sorry Ivan, I've done so much to you already..."
"In the end, I had to kill both of them. They had to hold her back as I did it. I tried to make it as painless as possible."
"Nikki...I'm so sorry...I wish there was some other way..." He'd looked down at Nikki, who waited expectantly, not even going to fight, preparing himself for the sword.
"I know. I forgive you, brother." His last breath, then those curious and lively eyes everyone had loved so much dulled into a dead stare until Ivan closed them gently.
"Vanya!" The smiling little two year old, who'd done nothing wrong. "Vanya, pick up, pick up!" His little arms extended in want of being picked up by his favorite sibling...
"I lost it afterwards. Tried even to kill myself after I'd killed my two brothers, my sister Katyusha had to stay with me all night. She'd always been like my mother, even though she is only a year older than me. My father's wife killed him in his chambers while I happened to be in the neighboring room a month later, and I cut her down. I've been Earl ever since, although for a long time, I was senselessly cruel to the villagers, anyone who angered me. Finally, the memory of my brothers, my birthright and how I'd achieved it, and my psycho half-sister drove me to run away. I was a very cold person by then, five years living in hatred for myself. I had only just escaped it when I met you. Your innocence, your sweetness, the way you didn't turn away from me, took interest in me, cried for me. You took away the pain. I could push the memories aside. I knew I'd have to tell you some time, and that was where our sweet moments would end, but for once, I didn't care, and decided to love you up close for as long as I could before you hated me, and then I would simply just love you from afar for the rest of my life. I'm happy enough for the memories I have now, I won't ask anything else..." Matilda realized that he was exposing himself, regardless of who could see, Lilli now gone behind the bushes down the path to give them privacy and to watch out for Francis. It was just the tow of them now.
He was turned away from her, trying to pull his hand away, and she could tell he was so vulnerable. Her strong, brave, confident Ivan, reduced to a train-wreck who believed everything was his fault, and that he didn't deserve to be loved.
"You don't have to ask for anything else. I'll give it all to you, if you'll just let me." Her voice was so quiet, so gentle, and there was no stuttering or uncertainty. She took his head into her hands, bringing his face to look into hers.
His eyes were rimmed red with tears he couldn't shed, his hair disheveled. She kissed him once more. He looked at her with such an expression, it tore her heart. "How could you still love a monster? My siblings' blood stain my hands."
"And mine could be dead because of me. Ivan, you were fourteen, and forced to do something no human being should ever be forced into. You truly are a strong man, Ivan, but you don't always have to be so strong. And love...my love is yours and only yours. Never doubt the fact that you deserve to be loved."
He buried his head into her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace, and they stayed that way for a long time, not another word said.
Wow, this was...I'm sorry, guys, this wasn't a fun Christmas chapter.
Fun Fact: After WW1, the Allies allowed the war criminals of Germany to be tried by German courts after being told that Germany would rather go back to war than hand over their own people, and out of 901 defendants, 888 were acquitted, the rest receiving extremely low sentences. When some escaped out of prison, the wardens of the jails were congratulated.
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