A/N- Sorry for not updating daily guys. I'm really trying to pull myself together and get the next few chapters posted, but somehow my depression keeps stopping me.

I've been plunging myself into music ,nature ,sex, and writing (attempting to at least) but these dark feelings just won't go away.

Then of course my account was acting up and made it seem like no one reviewed my last chapter which made my heart shrink up. So I only just saw all the lovely reviews, and feel so grateful.

I feel like that Kermit vs. Dark Kermit meme—

Me: this is gonna be a breeze, you've already outlined everything! Go for it!

Also me: but its going to be WORTHLESS! *stares into the abyss*

Anyway. Enough of that stupid nonsense.

Heres another chapter! Enjoy!

Heart of Ice

Chapter 11

When the five men arrived at the airport, Chris withdrew Yuuri's passport and identification from the pocket of his coat, and handed it over.

Yuuri seemed shocked, and completely taken off guard. He didn't think about needing these essential items until he held them in his hands.

"Phitchit and I found then at the apartment on your bedside table and packed them along with everything else we thought you'd need." Chris took out a lollipop from his pocket , offering it to Yuuri who cocked an eyebrow and shook his head in response.

"More like threw everything that looked important in trash bags and ran like hell out of there." Phitchit muttered, pulling out his hamster case phone to check the time.

Meanwhile Victor was still in possession of Yuuri's old phone, which he had taken from him during the night of his examination.

A number labeled 'A' kept calling, which made Victor so angry he finally forced himself to toss the phone into the nearest trash can before he could answer it.

Alexander was trying to get a hold of Yuuri? Well, that was too damn bad. Victor would make sure that blond animal never laid eyes on Yuuri again.

He still felt murderous rage boil within him.

Once they had their tickets the five men headed to the nearest café which had the fewest people and ordered drinks.

Phitchit ordered Yuuri a frozen strawberry lemonade, causing the Japanese man to stare at him in shock.

"What?" Phitchit asked, looking worried "Its your favorite still, isn't it?"

Yuuri nodded.

"Yeah…I just didn't think anyone would remember something like that about me." He said, taking the cold drink like it was the most precious thing anyone ever gave him. "Thanks Phichit."

Usually when a guy ordered him a drink, it was something disgustingly strong that caused Yuuri to become drunk as fast as possible.

Yuuri looked thoughtfully down at his drink with a small smile, then after a moment took a sip. He shut his eyes at the sweet tangy flavor, and let out a sigh of pleasure.

Victor made a mental note to make sure to stock up on frozen strawberry lemonade, when they returned to Russia.

After an hour of silence and worried glances aimed towards Yuuri, the young man snapped. They were treating him like some kind of thing to be pitied and he hated it.

"Would you all stop treating me like a fucking bomb that might go off?" Yuuri snapped causing the four men to jump. "If you want a discussion, fine! Ask away! I don't give a shit! But stop treating me like broken glass!"

They stared at Yuuri in shock, neither one of them unsure what to say.

That is until Yurio opened his big fat mouth.

"Why the hell were you with a bastard like that?" Yurio asked angrily.

Yuuri narrowed his hazel eyes at the blond. They wanted answers? Fine.

"because I liked his cock and I liked his money even more." Yuuri said coldly, without emotion "and because he offered to keep me comfortable. But mostly because he took my mind off of Victor….actually, yes. That's probably the ONLY reason. He gave me drugs, kept me high. And fucked me until I couldn't think strait. This past year has been nothing but a drunken haze. And I've frankly enjoyed it."

Victor hadn't been ready for Yuuri's blunt response. His heart broke, but he had to remind himself that he already knew of what life Yuuri had been caught up in. Still, it wasn't an easy thing to hear

Never the less, Yuuri actually offered answers, no matter how terrible they were to hear.

"So you just stayed with that psychopath and let him abuse you? His money and dick couldn't have been that irresistible." Yurio slammed hi fist on the table "I know you're an idiot, but not that big of one!"

Yuuri took a sip of his frozen lemonade, shrugging one shoulder.

He suddenly wanted something much stronger to drink.

"This was the first time he did something like this. Beat me to a pulp and-"

"raped you bloody? Yeah, that makes everything okay then!" Yurio said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Yuuri stared over his cup at Yurio for a long moment before setting his drink down slowly, cocking his head to the side as he did so.

"In what way did I give you the impression that I was okay?" Yuuri spoke in a tight voice. He flashed a dangerous smile, leaning forward on his elbows.

The atmosphere changed drastically. It was cold and dark and full of rage. The Yuuri who spoke now wasn't someone to be crossed.

"Was it when he was choking me until I passed out? Was it the blood staining the bed, as you so eloquently put it- raped me bloody? Or maybe it was when I decided to pitch myself out of a window?-"

Phichit gasped, reaching out to take hold Yuuri's wrist gently, causing the Asian man to yank it away violently.

"Yuuri, please we just want you to feel free to speak to us, if you want. We don't want to force you into a conversation you aren't ready for!"

"And when exactly would I be ready to explain why I tried to kill myself?" Yuuri sneered "How do I explain to you, with all that bright hope swimming behind your eyes, that I find my life holding no more beauty or worth, or love. What's laughable is that you all don't even seem to realize that I'm already dead."

A dead silence followed Yuuri's haunting words. While Chris looked like a petrified Adonis statue, Phichit was in tears. Yurio stared across the table coldly at Yuuri, but without any real hate in his eyes.

It was Victor who moved suddenly, causing the others jumped in surprise.

He grabbed Yuuri by his wrist and pulled the young man to his chest. Expecting Yuuri to fight back, Victor braced himself for the blows, which never came.

Instead, Yuuri pressed his face against Victor's lean chest and breathed in deeply. His eyes became heavy with emotion that he tried to bury deep inside of himself.

"You should have just let me die," he shook his head which made his silky black locks fall over his eyes. "however, I realize I am not dead….I am very much alive. Although what that amounts to I don't really know."

Victor crushed Yuuri to his chest and let out a sigh.

"It means everything, Yuuri."

Yuuri winced at the Victors words. Unconscious of what he was doing, Yuuri lifted his hand to rake the nape of Victors neck. His smell was intoxicating Yuuri, calming him down.

There was so much pain he wanted to release, so much of it that Yuuri thought he could die from it. Far worse was the terrible rage that he felt that no one could possibly understand what horror he went through. But it was his fault wasn't it? Yuuri was sure of it.

And as for Victor…..he was still unsure about his feelings. Sure his body responded to his touch, it always had, but Yuuri couldn't shake away his resentment.

Still, he allowed Victor to hold him, and basked in his warmth and smell.

It was true. Yuuri had actively, although unconsciously, sought out clients with the same lean build, light blue eyes, and fair hair as Victor.

Sometimes he would accidentally cry out his name while he was with these men. Not that they ever gave a crap.

There would be moments, the morning after Yuuri slept with these men, that Yuuri would have a flash of insight as to why he was drawn to them.

They would roll over, or open their eyes and smile up at him, causing him to climb swiftly out of bed. Shocked with himself, Yuuri would gather his clothes and run like hell out of the hotels like a someone possessed. He would run until his legs and lungs gave out. And then he would find an alley to throw up in, and cry.

He felt such a feeling rise in him now. He tried to claim control of his hands. They shook and itched.

How he wished he had a pill to take…just one little pill.

Finally Yuuri sighed, shaking his head.

"I don't know what the future holds, I hadn't thought about the future for a long time. But you don't have to worry…I won't try to throw myself out of another window." Yuuri promised in a hard broken voice, unsure if he should remain against Victors comforting embrace.

"besides," Yuuri smiled weakly "I almost forgot how good frozen strawberry lemonades were."

.

After another hour the plane set for Russia announced that it would be boarding soon.

Phichit would be going home to Thailand and Chris to Sweden. They needed to get back into training for competition soon, but promised they would skype often.

Chris took Yuuri in his arms, his hand slinking through Yuuri's long hair. The 27 year old Swedish man kissed both sides of Yuuri's cheeks, then pulled away slowly to look at Yuuri with his big blue eyes.

"I still have two more years left in me." Chris whispered so no one could eavesdrop "The very thought frightens me vorse than anything else….please try and make it back before I retire. I long to go into battle vith you on the ice one last time."

And with that he kissed Yuuri full on the mouth just like he had with the red headed concierge. He winked before pulling away, and bowed to give Yuuri yet another kiss on the hand.

Yuuri nodded in response, but promised the man nothing.

Chris was really something. He had always respected his passion and performance. He reminded Yuuri of the goddess Aphrodite. He loved that Chris was so unapologetic in his display of beauty and affection and pure sensuality. He was an infectious sort of personality, that could make men or women fall for his charms.

Phichit, being slightly shorter than Yuuri wrapped his arms around the Japanese man fiercely. He said nothing for a few minuets, but eventually Yuuri gave in to Phitchit, after feeling the mans quiet tears dampening his collar.

"…thank you Phichit." Yuuri said quietly. "And….I'm sorry for everything. I'm glad I saw you again."

He had known Phichit longer than any of the others. He considered him a true friend even now. Phichit's bruised face and split lip was proof enough of how far and deep his loyalty reached.

Yet despite the passing of time, he was still the same as ever. Still full if life an innocent dreams. Yuuri envied him.

"I'm sorry for everything too, Yuuri." Phitchit said gently into his ear. "Your still my friend, you'll always be my dearest friend."

And then Phitchit began to sob uncontrollably, holding Yuuri tighter around his midsection.

"I don't want to leave you yet, Yuuri. We only just found you…but I understand why Victor is taking you to his country house." Phichit rambled "My mother used to tell me how she spent 9 months ,away in the country, while she was pregnant with me. She said it healed her…so maybe nature will heal you too. It has a funny way of doing that. Its like giving your soul a breath of fresh air, after feeling suffocated for so long."

Then suddenly Phichit pulled away and rummaged through hia backpack till he found what he was looking for.

It was a small plushy hamster on a keychain. He held it out to Yuuri like some sort of precious offering.

"My mom gave this to me before my first competition. She said it would bring me luck and it would take away my fears." Phichit laughed weakly "I know its stupid…but I thought maybe…I-I guess-"

"Phitchit I love it," Yuuri said honestly, taking the keychain. "but are you sure? It was a gift from your mom."

Phitchit's face brightened "I don't need it anymore! Take it! I'm sure It'll bring you so much good luck!"

And then just like that Phitchit was crying again. He nearly tacked Yuuri with another hug.

Yuuri didn't know what to say to that. Why was he so incapable of offering comfort like this to another when they quite obviously needed it.

"Phichit?" Yuuri breathed, finding himself momentarily speechless.

When Phichit pulled away wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. There was a determination behind his friends eyes that he realized how very strong Phichit was.

"Promise you'll watch my performance when I make it to worlds!" Phitchit asked with a smile, trying to put on a brave face "promise me Yuuri, just like you did when we were in our dorm together. Remember Yuuri? We'd watch the competitions together and promise each other that we'd support one another- even if we ended up competing against one another. Remember Yuuri?"

Yuuri couldn't help but smile at this friend.

"I'll watch every performance. I promise."

After a few more hugs, Phichit took out his phone, excitedly

"lets take a selfie!" he clapped.

It took some convincing, but Yuuri finally gave in. He swung his arm around Phichit's neck and leaned in close together until the sides of their heads touched.

Phitchit gave the camera a wink, as held Yuuri closer. The shutter went off ,capturing the image of two friends smiling.

Before Phitchit could ask, Yuuri covered his friends mouth with his tattooed hand.

"You can post it to your Instagram if you want."

Phichit let out a muffled bubbly laugh through Yuuri's hand. He raised up two thumbs enthusiastically.

Finally the moment of departure came. He waved goodbye to Chris and an emotional Phitchit as he boarded the plane.

He noticed Victor's strange expression a they made their way into the plane.

But that lasted only a moment before he realized what sort of plane he was boarding.

Instead of rows of seats, the plane was filled with luxurious private cabins. Yurio had one of his own and proceeded to throw his things inside if a small closet and shut the door.

Then he opened it again, poking his head out to thrust his finger in Victors face accusingly.

"Keep your hands off of the piglet, you old geezer! And you!" he shifted his gaze to Yuuri before throwing him an eye mask "Get some sleep. At least 5 hours. You look like shit."

And with that Yurio shut his cabin door with a snap.

"how long is this flight exactly?" Yuuri asked quietly, following Victor into his cabin.

Victor made no eye contact with him, which irritated Yuuri fiercely.

"about 12 hours." Victors muttered without turning around. "Yurios right you should get some sleep."

" I'm not tired." Yuuri snapped back. "and you don't tell me what to fucking do either."

Victor spun around, his eyes burning with an emotion he couldn't place.

"Good to see you saved all your pent up rage just for me. I was starting to feel left out. God knows you keep looking for new ways to wound me." Victor said in a low shaking voice "I'm trying Yuuri! I hate myself for everything I've done to you, but I'm trying! Can't you at least see that much?"

"Try harder!" Yuuri stepped closer to Victor, grabbing the man and forcing him to face him. "because I won't forgive you! Not ever! I hate you! I hate everything about you!"

"Liar." Victor responded, remembering how Phichit had said the same thing to him.

"Fuck off…..you Russian piece of shit." But Yuuri's words lacked conviction, and instead of being full of malice, they were weak and small.

Victor closed the space between them, slipping his arms around Yuuri's waist so that their chests touched.

His head rested against Yuuri's as his icy blue eyes looked into Yuuri's hazel ones.

"You can hate me…just let me stay near you." Victor pleaded quietly "Even if you hate me, I swear to always stay by your side…please allow me that much."

"you talk like you want to be my slave." Yuuri said, instantly calming down. Victors smell had always calmed him, it reminded Yuuri of winter and ice.

"Yes…perhaps I do." Victor looked pensive and gazed at the young man in his arms. "I would be happy for the rest of my life serving you. "

"Don't say things like that!" Yuuri snapped "You don't even know the person I am anymore…right now I'm so desperate for some dope I would sell myself to everyone on this fucking plane for just one hit. Do you have any idea how sick that is?"

Victor shook his head, his silver hair falling over his left eye.

"You could never sicken me, Yuuri…but this is something I will be addressing. I told you, I wouldn't let you sacrifice yourself anymore. I meant every word." Victor stood to full height towering over Yuuri. "and I don't intend to let another man or woman lay so much as a finger on your body. I want you all for myself, even if that means I myself wasn't allowed to ever touch you again. I can't control how possessive I am over you."

Yuuri's eyes widened.

His heart hammered wildly in his chest at Victors words. He would not deny that his body reacted so intensely to the beautiful Russian.

"But I know I've betrayed your trust so many times that I doubt you'd ever want me as I want you." Victor finally let Yuuri go, turning away to get as far away from him as he could without leaving the cabin. He sat on a small elegant sofa, his head hung and hands laced behind his neck. There was nothing but defeat surrounding the man.

Yuuri stared at Victor then shut his eyes so that he could see nothing.

"and what if I did?..." the words left Yuuris mouth surprising even himself.

Victors head snapped up. His eyes locked onto Yuuri who stood with his eyes shut as if bracing himself for a blow.

Yuuri's delicate yet slightly muscular form was beautiful to look at. A skaters body always was. The curves in the legs, especially in the thighs and round shapely bottom made any skater appear feminine. The soft masculinity of the man has overwhelming.

His long black hair was silky and beautiful. Hadn't one of the skaters from Italy called him a 'closet girl' once? He could see why. But no, Yuuri was no girl. He was a man in full bloom, perhaps even more of a man than Victor.

The form fitting pants that clung to Yuuri, the cashmere sweater that hung so perfectly over his frame. How could Victor not be enchanted with Yuuri?

"I want us to start over." Victor said at long last "from the beginning."

Yuuris opened his hazel eyes. Victor saw confusion flit across his soft features.

"What are you talking about? What do you mean start over?" he asked, caught off guard.

"I want to start over, Yuuri. I want to court you properly." Victor explained sincerely "I want us to start our relationship over again. We never actually ever went on a proper date, I mean we had that day in Barcelona…but I mean something more than that."

"I don't understand what your asking me…" Yuuri shook his head, taking a step back.

Victor smiled, then crossed the small compartment to close the space between the two of them.

" Yuuri Katsuki, will you go out on a date with me?"

Yuuri was too stunned to take another step back.

"a-a date?"

"Yes." Victor said with a soft eager smile "A date. We can take walks around the lake holding hands, or skate on it under the moonlight, and I can cook katsudon for you and we can drink wine over candlelight….and at the end of the night I'll kiss you goodnight and return to my own separate room. No sex, no rushing or forcing anything. A start over."

When Yuuri didn't say anything, Victor spoke again.

"I don't know how good I am with romance…I've always done things spur of the moment. Even the time I said we would get married after you won the gold, I never even asked you- and that was after our first 'date', if that's what you want to call it. So yes, I want to try for romance. I want to try and win your heart all over again!"

He didn't realize there were quiet tears rolling down Yuuri's cheeks until he was done speaking.

"You'd do this for me?" Yuuri asked unable to believe his ears. His hazel eyes searched Victors in confused wonder.

The Russian smiled sadly, knowing what the young man was truly asking.

The only love he had known had a been a lie. He had been used over and over again. He had been abandoned by the first man he ever loved, and beaten to a pulp by the second man who he let into his life. Naturally he believed himself to be unworthy, as if a genuine relationship was something he was unworthy of.

"Of course I would. Yuuri, I'd die for you." Victor whispered, kissing the palms of Yuuri's delicate hands, memorizing their lines. "I'm doing this for me."

His hazel eyes glowed with warmth of his own freewill, and for a moment Victor held a glimmer of hope in his heart that he hoped would never go away.

A/N- review to ease my melancholy

*stares into the abyss*