And it's feeling so nice
I'm not sure how long we sat there in the waiting room, but after a little while Hakase got up and returned to his office, after ensuring that the Medical Staff knew he could be reached there at a moment's notice. I had been in and out of the examination rooms myself, where they confirmed that I had torn the ligaments in my right knee for the fourth time. It was only a small amount of damage, but I was warned that if it happened again I'd need surgery, and I'd be out of commission for as much as two weeks. That was something I didn't want to contemplate.
Still, in comparison to what could be happening with Jun, it was only a minor issue. Ryu, Joe, and I remained silent, all of us slouched in the hard plastic chairs, holding Styrofoam cups of cold coffee as we waited. The Swallow was sitting on the floor against the wall, his knees at his chest and his head buried in his arms. It suddenly occurred to me that at times like these, he usually sat with Jun. She would embrace Jinpei, silently communicating that everything would be all right, and that they still had each other.
But there was no one to do that for the boy now.
I hadn't thought about it much, but Jinpei really was still just a kid. He needed Jun more than any of us truly realized. He called her 'Onechan', but she was really the only kind of mother he had ever known. When I had seen him embracing her in the Medical Bay, it was something of a surprise, but if I had just thought about things, it wouldn't have been.
Jinpei was too embarrassed to admit his need for affection in front of the rest of the 'guys'. At eleven years old, he was supposed to be beyond such things. It was only when he was with Jun that he could satisfy those needs… most importantly, the need to feel loved.
But then, I was eighteen, and I had those same needs. The difference was that I had learned to repress them, and they were tearing me up inside. At least Jinpei was finding a healthy way to deal with his emotions, which was more than I could say for the rest of us.
The doctor came out into the waiting area, and we all jumped to our feet.
"What's happening, Doctor?" I asked quickly. I was desperate for good news. We all were.
"We've been able to raise the Swan's body temperature back over 35 degrees." the doctor reported, smiling. "The arrhythmia she was experiencing seems to be gone. Still, we'd like to keep her for the rest of the night for observation."
I glanced up at the clock on the wall, which showed that it was nearly three am. I hadn't realized how late it had gotten.
"She would like to see you all." the doctor informed us. "But please, only two at a time."
"I'll take the Kid in first." Ryu said, trying to hold back a jubilant Jinpei.
"Is that okay with you two?" the Owl asked Joe and myself.
"Yeah, go ahead." Joe waved him on. "Jinpei should see her first."
When they left, I collapsed into a chair again, sighing with relief.
"So, now are you going to tell her?" Joe asked me.
"Tell her what?" I asked, instinctively attempting to deny my feelings.
"You're a damn fool, Ken." Joe rolled his eyes at me, turning away.
"You're right." I said quietly.
"Well there's a first." Joe smirked. "The great Gatchaman admits that sometimes I'm right. I think that will make the eleven o'clock news."
I snorted at his response.
"We don't know how long we have, in this job." Joe pointed out. "You've got to make the most of what you do have. Live for the moment. God knows, if I found someone like Jun…"
"Someone like Jun?" I found myself sitting straight up.
"You're so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see what's under your nose." Joe lectured me. I was feeling so guilt-ridden that I let him do it, subconsciously feeling that I deserved his condescending attitude.
"So what's under my nose?" I asked him.
"Only the most incredible, beautiful…" Joe stopped for a second, staring me in the eye. "You know that Ryu and I would be there for her in a second, if there were so much as a hint that she wanted either of us."
"What?" I sputtered.
"You don't know." Joe sighed in frustration, running his hands through his messy hair. "Look, Ken, we all know that Jun wants you. Why, I have no idea. Perhaps she's into misery and self-pity. And it's pretty obvious that you have feelings for her. Yet you're too full of yourself to act on them."
"Full of myself?" I snapped. Even my guilty conscience found this too much to bear. "Where do you get off saying that? You're the one who thinks he's a law unto himself!"
"I know enough to do what I want to do." Joe said stonily. "I don't let some stupid sense of propriety hold me back. When I die, I don't want to regret what I did with my life."
"You make it sound like you're going to die tomorrow." I scoffed.
"We don't know, do we?" Joe stated, looking me straight in the eye. "You and Jun both nearly died today. One of these days, someone on the team isn't going to be so lucky. It might even be me."
I was forced to acknowledge that he was right. Joe made everything seem so simple. But was it really? Could I ignore the potential disaster in what I did and just live for the moment?
That wasn't the kind of thing a leader did. It was all well and good for Joe, who didn't have to bear the burden of command, but a leader had to be more farsighted than that.
Joe regarded my silent turmoil.
"Look, Ken," he said, "if you admitted to Jun how you felt about her, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Katse could find out." I blurted. I hadn't meant to confess such a thing, but there it was, out in the open.
"He could target her… to get to me." I explained. "She might die…"
"You mean, like she almost died today?" Joe raised an eyebrow.
Damn, he had a point.
"Jun would be willing to die for you without a moment's hesitation." Joe stated. "We're all being targeted by Galactor. I don't think that's going to change anytime soon."
"But, what about me?" I asked. "Suppose I hold her back, not letting her…"
Joe laughed, and the sound seemed incongruous with the serious tone of our conversation.
"Ken, have you ever known Jun to sit back when she was needed?" Joe asked, still grinning. "What do you think sent her after those damn killer flowers?"
Just then, Ryu and Jinpei returned.
"It's your turn." Ryu informed us. "They asked us to be quick. I guess Jun needs to get back to sleep."
"She looks great!" Jinpei grinned. "And she can stay awake longer now!"
"That's terrific, Jinpei." I told him, clasping his shoulder. The Swallow's good mood was infectious, and I found myself smiling as well.
"Let's go, Ken." Joe said, hooking his thumb toward the entrance to the private rooms.
"Yeah." I said, following the Condor into the hallway and the room to which the Medical Staff directed us.
"Joe!" Jun said, sitting up in bed as we came in. She was wearing a hospital gown underneath a thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and was propped up against a number of pillows.
"Hi, Junie." Joe said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad to see that you're feeling better."
"Much." she smiled, then turned to look at me.
"Ken." she said, her eyes sparkling. "It's good to see you."
"Same here." I replied, suddenly uncertain of myself. "I'm happy to see that you're okay."
"I glad that you're okay." she responded. "I was afraid that I had done too good a job setting those charges."
"You made sure that I was okay." I pointed out. "You pushed me out of the way…"
"Isn't that my job?" she smiled. "To lay down my life for the mighty Gatchaman?"
Her joke hit uncomfortably close to the conversation Joe and I had just had in the waiting room, and I know my face suddenly turned red.
"Well, I'm getting kind of tired." Joe said, moving toward the door even as he pushed me closer to the bed. "It's great to see you smiling again Jun. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye, Joe." Jun smiled, giving him a small wave.
The Condor walked out the door, leaving me alone with the Swan. Joe had never been one for subtlety, and I wasn't entirely sure I appreciated his approach at that moment.
"I was really worried about you." I said, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed.
"I know." Jun nodded. "I could see it on your face when I woke up in the Medical Bay."
"You could?" I was surprised. Was I really that transparent?
"I can tell." Jun smiled. "You try to hide a lot of things, and it works with someone who doesn't know you very well, but over the years I've come to recognize your expressions."
What else did Jun know about me? Was she aware of how I felt about her?
"I… I didn't realize." I said quietly, looking at my hands in my lap.
"Don't worry, Ken." Jun laughed, placing her hand over mine. "I don't know all of your deep dark secrets. It's just that sometimes, I can tell what you're thinking. That's all."
Joe had been right. Jun was incredible. It was amazing the way she saw right through me.
But, how much did she see?
"I'm just glad that you're going to be fine." I said, desperately trying to change the subject. "It wouldn't be the same without you on the team."
I looked up, staring into her eyes, almost instantly realizing my mistake.
Hadn't Jun just told me that she could see what I was thinking?
I knew there was a naked longing on my face, a sense of desperation at the thought of losing her.
"Oh, Ken," she sighed, reaching out to me, "I'm not going anywhere."
I didn't protest as she drew me into her arms. In fact, I clung to her, my head resting on her chest, just as hers had rested on mine a few hours before. The emotional and physical exhaustion I was feeling overwhelmed me, and I let myself enjoy this feeling of closeness with Jun.
It was nice, this physical proximity. I shifted slightly and we were holding each other, my legs stretched out on the bed next to hers. Jun had always found her way into my arms when she was emotionally distressed, and now I finally understood why. I had never realized what a source of peace it could be, simply to be held by someone you cared about.
Someone you loved.
We didn't speak. We simply lay there, in each other's arms, and I let Jun's presence soak into my body. At that moment, nothing could have torn me away from her embrace. It was as if I had at last found the place I had always been meant to be.
