Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time
Chapter 11: Back to old fights
"Pan I... stubbed him," I say, my eyes locked with Felix's. He is seating on a stump at the other end of the camp - glaring at me across the flames of the bonfire that lies between us whilst he plays with his knife, his expression so serious and deadly it almost makes me want to cringe. "So don't you dare tell me he isn't holding a grudge. It's not a thing you just forget about."
Of course Felix still remembers the day in which Pan left the two of us alone in the camp, ordering him to make sure I didn't escape. That's when things got complicated, and I ended up stubbing him and running away. That was only a few months ago, when Bae was still in the island.
I've been avoiding him since then, staying away from the camp as much as possible. The fact that Peter was giving me some time alone to mourn Bae helped, but that seems to be over now.
I can't keep this up. Sooner or later I'm going to have to talk to Felix. I just don't know how it will go.
Well, if him looking at me like if I was his prey isn't giving me a hint, I don't know what is.
"The Lost Boys told me what happened," Peter replies. He is sitting next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder and our backs against a tree trunk. "You were simply trying to defend yourself, he'll understand that."
Except he wont. Because I wanted to hurt him. I didn't need to stub him; it was the easiest way out, but I still could've done something far less extreme and still had escaped without any permanent damage.
Hell, I still had my magic back then. I could've just made him stop slicing my throat by only sending him flying backwards.
That would've barely hurt him, which is why a part of me decided to stub him instead. That way he could have a permanent scar, reminding him to never mess with me again.
He hadn't done anything to me. There was no reason for me to do what I did.
But I was angry at Pan, so I took it all out on Felix because hurting an immortal demon whilst Bae was still in the island was out of the question, and he was the closest thing I could find that would satisfy this anger.
The idea of comfronting Pan has always been crazy; a suicide act I've always been tempted to do but, neverthelss, never been able to because there has always been something holding me back since I arrived to Neverland.
First, it was Bae.
I knew that there was a really good chance of me dying if I went ahead with it, and I couldn't stand the fact that, if I was gone, that poor kid would be left alone. If he was anyone else, I wouldn't care. But he is Bae; the son of the man who raised me like his own daughter, the one who taught me everything I now know.
So, no. I wasn't risking dying and, with that, destroying his chance of getting out of this island and being happy. I owed Rumple that much.
Now that Bae is gone, though, it is the cuff.
I no longer have my magic, so I can't even begin to consider going against Pan. I don't even know if I would do it if I can succeed in making him take the cuff off of me.
I still remember being so scared about breaking my deal with Pan to stay in camp, scared that he would go after Bae without giving me any time to explain that I had no other choice but to run away from Felix.
It was my only option if I wanted to prevent hurting Felix even more than I already had, because I have no doubt that as soon as he recovered from the shock of the knife entering his chest, he would've attacked me with all he had.
And then I would've been forced to defend myself, even if it meant leaving him with even further damage.
I sigh. "But I was the one who pushed him into hurting me."
This is my fault. And the worse part is that I don't feel any guilt. Not even the slighest bit.
"It doesn't matter now, I healed him right away. He wasn't in pain for that long, so don't blame yourself," he says, succesfully sounding like he actually cares about how I feel.
I would almost believe him if I didn't know better.
Does he really think I would blame myself for hurting someone I don't even care about? If he does, then he trully doesn't know me as much as he claimes to.
Except he does.
Pan knows I'm not one of those cheerful, hopeful people who call themselves heroes. I think thats one of the main reasons why he seems to like me so much -because, in a way, I'm like him. I grew up with Rumple, who taught me to rip out hearts and kill inocent people. Even if I like it or not, there's darkness inside me. That's why Pan keeps telling me we are so much alike. And even though I get his point, I refuse to accept it.
I would never capture innocent kids, separate them from their families, wash their brains, and make them stay trapped for eternity. I know I've done terrible things, but I'm not nearly as dark as Pan is.
So if he just suggested I would do something that is so unlike me, that means he is barely paying attention to what I'm saying to him.
His mind is somewhere else.
"I don't," I reply, and I don't care if he knows I'm messed up and don't feel any remorse about hurting people. He is far more messed up than I am. "I'm just telling you he does."
I don't blame Felix for wanting to hurt me after what I did to him. In fact, I understand it. If the situation was reversed, I would already have my hands around his throat.
The only thing holding him back is Pan. Felix knows Peter would get dangerously mad if he killed me, but would he mind if Felix simply hurt me? Does he even realize how much Felix wants his revenge?
I don't think he cares. It seems like lately he hasn't been paying much attention to what is going on. A month ago, the day after Tinkerbell spoke to me, he didn't even notice the way I looked at him now that I had found out that I'm dying and that maybe he is planning to kill me if I fail to become 'his'.
I looked at him like if he had just commited an awful crime and he didn't even ask what was wrong. Before, he noticed even the most insignificant change in my expression, but now it's like he is so worried about something, he can't entirely focus on anything else. He has been getting out of Neverland a lot to do 'business', which I don't think is about bringing in more Lost Boys anymore.
He is up to something. I can feel it. He just doesn't want to tell me about it. Felix seems to know, but there's no way I'm getting the imformation out of him.
Still, what Pan is doing should be the least of my concerns. If he so worried and distracted, then that means...
I'll have to deal with Felix on my own.
I am walking rapidly away from the camp, getting as far away as possible when the level of nausea begins to rise. I stop and place my hand on a tree trunk for support when I think I'm about to thow out, though after a moment I realize the time hasn't come yet. So I lean against a tree trunk and sigh, which is the same thing I've done the first time, and the time after that, and the time after that, for the last couple of days -only most of the time my feeling was right, and I ended up vomiting after all. Two months in with the cuff holding me captive and extreme nausea has already settled in, as if the extreme tiredness wasn't already enough to handle.
I don't want to go back to camp, where I know Pan won't be and Felix will. Peter has been so absent lately, and I would be more grateful and at the same time curious about what he is doing if it weren't for my overwhelming worry produced by the uncertainty of the time in which Felix will get his revenge for what I did to him.
Considering what Pan would do to him, I doubt what Felix is planning is fatal, though I do believe it involves hurting me.
I really wouldn't be so anxious if he would just get it over it, because I'm tired of having him as a problem. He is distracting me from the things I really need to worry about, such as, for instance, the fact that I'm slowly dying because of the cuff.
Whether or not Pan is aware of that fact doesn't matter -the only thing I should be worrying about right now is how to stop it from happening. I need to find a way to save myself, which is something I've been thinking a lot of during the past month I've been aware of the terrible fate Pan has brought upon me.
He put the cuff on me in the first place because he knew it would take a huge part of me, which would make me feel empty and have enough room for him to fill my mind with whatever he desires. Being so vulnerable is what, in his mind, would lead me to break and I would end up following his every wish.
Therefore, the only way he will no longer feel the need for me to have the cuff is if I break. Not like that's a real option, but pretending like I am is. I've always been good at acting, and Pan would probably buy my performance for enough time to remove the cuff.
The thing is, what happens then? Am I supposed to keep pretending I'm okay with being his weapon forever?
"Already trying to escape, I see," I almost jump at the sound of Felix's monotonous voice and my body is already facing him in the blink of an eye, standing up straight.
For the first time since I've been in Neverland, I wish the teenager who is standing only a few feet away from me were Pan, not his second-in-command. I can't believe I didn't here Felix approaching me sooner, but the cuff seems to be making my senses weaken. "And here I thought you would wait a few more minutes."
"I'm already trapped in the island, Felix," I reply as bitterly as I can manage. He doesn't scare me -what does is how my survival instinct will uncontrollably react when he starts looking to begin a fight, because when I really feel threatened there's no telling how much damage I can cause. "I don't need to be in camp every second of the day."
I can't stop myself from tensing when he takes a few steps in my direction as he speaks, though I don't back away. His body looks so relaxed, though his eyes tell differently. They are the same I saw when he was gently and shallowly slicing my thoat with his knife, the undeniable thirst for blood. "Still, I wanted to talk to you."
"Well, I'm all ears," I challenge, already knowing exactly what he is here for and, therefore, what will come next. "What do you want."
Felix takes three more steps closer to me, and I can't ignore a glimpse I catch of the knife he is hiding under his sleeve.
"I think you already know," And he is right, I do know, but I still wanted him to say it. He won't leave me alone until he is satisfied, and I can't keep worrying over him anymore, I need to be left alone. My time is running out, and I have absolutely no idea of what I'm going to do to save myself.
I don't even know if saving myself is the best cours of action...
I mean, if my plan works and I somehow manage to make Pan remove the cuff from me, then I'm still a prisoner for eternity. If I just let it take effect, then it will all be over. Because, is living like this really living? Being someone's property? Not being able to be where and when I want to? Unable to be with Bae, the family I love?
Maybe if I got Pan to remove the cuff, I could find out a way out of Neverland by using my magic. I know it's a long shot, but it's better than dying here with Pan holding my hand.
The bare thought makes me shiver.
I sigh deeply and realize that Felix is now so close he could reach out and touch me if he wanted to. "Alright then." I say, forcing the words to leave my mouth. "I won't fight you, just get it over with."
If he finally gets what he wants, then he leaves me alone and lets me think what my next move will be with Pan.
Slowly, too slowly, he reveals the knife from under his sleeve, placing it against my cheek. I follow it with my eyes, though I force myself to remain still. One small twist and an insignificant increase in pressure and he would be hurting me, cutting through my flesh just like he did the first time.
Every ounce of my body is screaming for me to defend myself, to at least do something.
No, don't move. You need to let him do what he wants.
Otherwise, he'll never stop going after me with his thirst for revenge. And I need to be left alone now more than ever. He can't kill me or hurt me too badly because Pan won't let him, so whatever he does to me won't be too serious. I can handle a small scar.
I've been through a lot worse.
Feeling prepared for the pain that will probably come right about now, I glance at the knife, then back at Felix's greenish eyes, and give him a small smile - letting him know I'm not the least bit affraid of him.
Seeing my fearless reaction, I can feel his hand tighten around the weapon. "It's amazing how much I want to hurt you, Zoe,"
"Then what are you waiting for," I reply smugly, though I regret saying it as soon as the words leave my mouth. He is trully angry for what I did to him, maybe so much he may even forget what Pan will do to him if he kills me, and I'm taunting him like if nothing was wrong. As if we were just old friends playing around.
At hearing my words, Felix smirks and, for a moment, I really think this is it. He is going to cut through my flesh and I'm about to just let him. What has Pan done to me? By putting the cuff on me, he has me in such a defensless position, so worried about what having it on me will do to me and what Pan is really up to, that I am willing to let Felix hurt me only so he can finally leave me alone.
Ever since I arrived to Neverland I've been trying to survive and get out. Nothing else. Until now I had never realized how trully desperate I am.
My whole body tightens as I prepare myself for the pain but, instead of deepening the knife, Felix slowly lowers it and places it on his belt -taking a few steps back. "This is not the way," he says in such a low voice I'm not even sure he intended for me to listen.
I only manage to stand there staring at him.
What is he doing? Doesn't he want to hurt me anymore? No, a mere glance at his deadly eyes tell me there's no way he is feeling sorry for me. Then why would he back away from such an easy target? I replay his words in my mind over and over, trying to find out something I might be missing.
'This is not the way.' Did he come up with a better way? A much worse way to hurt me, to make me pay for what I did to him. That must be it, but I can't believe it. I'm giving him the chance of doing it now so that he will not bother me again, but if he leaves me unharmed in hopes of attacking me later, then there would be no point. He would still be distructing me from Pan, what trully matters.
No, he has to do it now.
"Felix, I am standing right here. If you want to hurt me, this is your best shot." I say, my voice dead-serious. He looks me up and down, but says nothing and starts walking away from me. Just like that.
"Felix!" He stops for a moment when he is a few feet away, and turns to look at me.
"Don't worry about me hurting you anymore, Zoe. It's no use; you will get what you deserve over time." With that, he turns around again and keeps walking away. He is about to dissappear into the trees, but I want answers. He doesn't get to just leave me hanging like that, with something else for me to put into the huge pile of things I need to think through.
My mind is already too busy to deal with him later.
I close my eyes and picture myself infront of him, dreaming I could just stop him from walking and force him to talk to me. He is too far away. If I could just...
For a brief second, I feel a wave of energy rushing through me. The sensation is very much familiar; I feel it every time I use my magic.
I blink and almost crush against Felix, who thankfully manages to stop walking in time before our bodies collide. He is standing in front of me, his eyes wide opened. But he had his back turned against me just a second ago. He was walking away from me, not towards me.
Before I can make any sense of what just happened, I suddenly can't breathe. I let out a cry as pain goes through me, feeling like a dagger twisting in my gut. My legs collapse and I'm forced to my knees as I feel a wave of magic leaving my body in the form of a ring, quickly expanding around me and, when reaching the stunned Felix, throwing him backwards and making him fall on his back.
As fast as it came, the pain dissappears, but I'm not nearly alright. There's a ringing in my ears, and I suddenly feel hugely dizzy. Is Felix standing up or is he still lying down from the impact? I can't tell. Everything is too blurry.
"Zoe!" Though I can barely make out a clear image, I think I catch the glow of pixie dust and a familiar sense of darkness before I can't make out anything anymore.
A/N:
I'm sooo sorry for the late update! I really hope this chapter can make up to it, since it's a little longer than usual. I promise to never wait this long again, though school is so stressful that updating this fic hadn't crossed my mind until now.
Questions about what happened at the end of the chapter will be clarified in the next :)
