EPOV
As soon as Bella was out of the car, I stepped on the gas and drove off with one single thought in mind; to get as far away as I could, as quickly as possible, and not looking back. The last part was the hardest. It was also the most important. Because if I would cast one single look in the rear-view mirror and see Bella standing there on the sidewalk, I didn't think I would be able to leave.
And I had to.
This wasn't going according to my original plan at all. Bella was already getting way too close; inch by inch, she was slowly working her way into my bruised and battered heart, and it was bound to end badly. The closer she got, the bigger was the risk of me getting hurt.
I wasn't worried about Bella hurting me physically, of course, but there were other ways. She seemed so eager for me to trust her, and I just couldn't. Or, to be more accurate; I couldn't allow myself to trust her. Over the years, I had come to the painful realization that the only person in life you could really rely on was yourself. As long as I would remember that, I would be safe.
Safe, and dead on the inside.
It wasn't fair. I had to go through life, every day, watching the happy couples around me. Carlisle and Esme. Alice and Jasper. Hell, even Emmett and Rosalie. They were all so fucking happy, in love, and it just sickened me. To them, life was easy. Pleasant. As long as they were together, everything was right in the world. Their fucking love was all that mattered. And I resented them for it.
Even more so, I resented myself, for feeling that way. For not being able to look at any of them without getting completely overwhelmed by the emotions I could see swimming in their eyes. Every loving look they gave each other, every affectionate word spoken between them, every innocent caress, it was all like a fucking slap in the face to me.
A part of me wanted to hate them, simply for their ability to love, to be capable of feeling something other than shame and self-loathing.
Because I wanted that, too. I wanted it so badly it tore me apart.
I didn't need anybody. I just wanted to keep to myself and be left alone, at a safe distance from the outside world. That was the message I had been sending out for as long as I could remember. I had truly believed it, and made sure everyone else did as well.
Don't let anyone in, and you'll be safe. Simple as that.
Except that nothing was simple anymore. Not since the day Bella Swan had literally stumbled into my pathetic, fucked up life.
Bella with her kind eyes, her beautiful smile, her extreme clumsiness, and her dangerously tempting promises of a friendship that I hadn't asked for. Nor did I deserve it.
"You could hang out with me. I just wanna be your friend."
I had tried to push her away, and still, she stubbornly kept sticking around. Sort of like Alice. And I kept telling myself that I didn't need any of that. But in reality, I just didn't want to need anything. Or anyone. Because the moment I would let myself depend on others, the moment I would let my guard down, that was the moment I would fall. And I knew that no one would be there to catch me.
"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you," I had told her.
Truer words had never been spoken. And yet, they meant nothing. Because no matter what I felt when I was around Bella, no matter how curious I was about her, no matter how badly a part of me longed to get to know her, I knew without doubt that should she ever find out the truth about me, she would look at me with horror and disgust.
She would be appalled, repulsed by my very presence. And then she would walk away.
Aside from the numerous counselors I had been sent to over the years, Carlisle and Esme were the only people here in Forks who knew the whole story about my past, the humiliating details of what James had repeatedly done to me when I was a kid. Now I recalled the serious look on Carlisle's face, how he had looked me straight in the eyes, and asked for my permission to fill Alice and Emmett in on what I had been through.
Obviously, he thought it would make them understand me better. I had been eleven at the time, and Carlisle had just brought me back home to Forks with him.
"Edward? Would you please look at me, son?" Carlisle addressed me from across the room, making sure not to invade my personal space by coming any closer. Still, I had to struggle against the instinct to wince every time he opened his mouth to speak.I had been keeping my head downcast and my arms wrapped protectively around my body, and now felt myself involuntarily shrinking back into the couch as I reluctantly obeyed.Carlisle watched me silently for a moment, before he quietly spoke up again, "Esme is aware of what happened to you. I hope you understand why I can't keep something of such a major importance from her?"I lowered my eyes, not able to bring myself to respond. So I merely nodded.He hesitated briefly, and then went on, "Alice and Emmett, on the other hand, have only been told that you come from an abusive home. However, naturally, they both have a lot of questions, and I want to ask you if it would be okay for me to tell them a little more."I swallowed hard, forcing myself to open my mouth and let the words out, my voice barely more than a whisper, "If I say no, will you send me back to Chicago?""What? No!" He must have seen how I flinched, because he immediately lowered his voice. "Of course not. Edward, this is your home now. Nothing is going to change that. Do you hear me?" I nodded again, feeling tears stinging in my eyes. Carlisle cleared his throat. "The decision is completely yours, and I will respect it. You can agree to let me tell them, or not. But I have to be honest; I believe it will help for them to understand where you're coming from." When I didn't answer, he asked, softly, "What do you say?"I finally glanced at him, silently pleading for him to understand. "I don't want them to know."He sighed, but nodded in acceptance. "Very well. But I hope that, some day, you will feel comfortable enough to talk to your brother and sister about your past."I just shrugged, knowing it wasn't likely to happen.
It took months before I finally realized that Carlisle was a man who stayed true to his words. As he promised, he never told them a single word, although sometimes, I could swear that Alice just knew. Don't ask me how. It was just something about the way she was acting around me, like she saw something that others couldn't.
Emmett, on the other hand, had always been completely oblivious. He was about a year and a half older than me, and I knew I was a huge disappointment to him. At first, he had been really excited about getting a 'brother', but it didn't take him long to figure out that the two of us couldn't possibly be any more different.
I just couldn't find it in me to care about any of the stuff that was obviously a big deal to other boys in my age. Like sports. Video games. And, of course, girls. I remembered a particular incident that took place a couple of months after I had turned twelve, and had been told to let Emmett know that dinner was ready. So, I went upstairs to knock on his door...
The door swung open, and I practically stumbled into the room. Emmett's face lit up when he saw me. "Come in and close the door. You've gotta see this!"His room was dark, and I noticed that all the blinds were down. Emmett slumped down on the floor, in front of the TV, and gestured for me to come closer. I hesitated by the door. "What are you doing?"He turned to look at me, his face a little flushed, and grinned widely. "I'll show you. It's awesome!" A pause. "But don't even think about telling Mom and Dad, or I'll kill you." I swallowed, and nodded in agreement.Emmett looked pleased by my reaction, and turned back to the TV. He picked up the remote and turned on what I assumed was a movie. It was. Only not the kind of movie I had ever seen. My eyes widened in disbelief as I turned to look at the screen.I could see a man and a woman. They were both naked, lying close together in a huge bed with red sheets. Suddenly the woman sat up, reached for something on the floor, and then tied the man's hands together behind his head while she whispered something in his ear.Then she straddled his legs, and began to lick his chest. When the man groaned, loudly, she shifted a little, and started sucking on his...I stared at Emmett, who was sitting with his face mere inches from the TV screen, his eyes wide with fascination. He threw a brief look in my direction, and laughed excitedly. "Isn't it cool?"As I glanced at the scene again, I felt my stomach turn. The next thing I knew, I vomited all over the floor.
When Esme found out what happened, she had a fit. Emmett got grounded for two weeks, and naturally, he blamed me for getting him in trouble with his mother. That was the last time Emmett willingly invited me into his room. After that day, he rarely spoke to me unless he had to.
Suddenly my cell phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me in my memories. I pulled it out, cast a quick look at the display, and flicked it open with a sigh. "Yeah?"
"Hi, Edward, it's me." Esme sounded a little nervous, although I couldn't figure out why. She continued, "How's Bella?"
I frowned. Why would she ask...? Then I mentally slapped myself, an image of Bella's pale, slack face as she lay motionless in my arms flashing through my head.
Right. Bella had passed out in the kitchen, less than an hour ago. I had insisted on taking her home. And I hadn't even asked her how she was feeling. Instead, I had nearly scared her to death by driving like a fucking maniac.
Did I mention that I was screwed up? Fuck!
"Um, she seemed okay when I dropped her off," I mumbled into the phone, feeling like the lowest creature on the planet. To my defense, I wasn't used to looking out for others. Hell, I usually didn't even care. It was easier that way.
"Oh, that's good." Esme was clearly relieved. "I was worried about her. She seems like such a sweet girl, don't you think?"
I mentally groaned. "Look, Esme, I'm driving; I can't really talk right now." It was a lie, of course. I had no problem with driving and talking at the same time. But that was the only excuse I could come up with at the moment. The truth was, I just really didn't feel like having that particular conversation now.
Who was I kidding? If it was up to me, we would never be having that conversation.
"Of course, I understand. But I wanted..." I heard how Esme hesitated for a moment, and realized that her concern about Bella hadn't been her only reason for calling me. I should've figured. Holding back a sigh, I waited for her to go on. I knew exactly what was coming.
"Edward, I just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten your appointment today." There it was.
Realizing I had just been driving around in circles, I rolled my eyes and pulled over to the side of the road. "I haven't," I muttered, reluctantly.
How could I forget? Same thing, every fucking week.
"Good. Look, I don't mean to sound patronizing. Really, Edward, I just..."
Yeah, I knew; she just happened to care. But I wished she wouldn't feel obligated to care about me.
Because I didn't deserve it.
"Hello, Edward." Dr. Clearwater smiled as I entered her office, about an hour later. "How are you?"
"Fine," I responded, as usual. Then I raised a brow and added, sarcastically, "How are you?"
As always, she ignored my mocking remarks. "I'm good, thank you, although it's been quite a hectic week. What about you? Has anything interesting happened since last time I saw you?"
Slumping down on her couch, I briefly considered my options. I had gone through this torture enough times to know that I could play along; start babbling about something completely irrelevant, just to pass the time until my hour was up and I would be able to leave. Keeping her from asking her fucking questions, which we both knew I wasn't going to answer, anyway.
I had done it before. But today, I wasn't in a mood. So I simply shook my head. "No."
"Oh." Her smile faltered a little, but she didn't fool me; I knew she wasn't about to give up that easily. I was right. "What about the rest of the weekend? Do you have any plans?"
Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I shook my head again and folded my arms across my chest. "When do I ever?"
"All right." Dr. Clearwater watched me for a moment, then rose from her office chair and walked around the desk, her face suddenly serious. "I'll cut the small talk, since you're clearly not up for it." A pause. "Did your... I mean, did Carlisle tell you that he and I spoke on the phone yesterday?"
She knew better than referring to him as my father, which I knew had been on her tongue.
Doing my best to ignore her almost-slip, I suddenly recalled last night, when I had run into Carlisle outside the house, and he had started bringing up my next therapy session. Of course, I didn't give him a chance to finish. Now I gave Dr. Clearwater a suspicious look, waiting for her to continue.
All of the sudden, I got the sinking feeling that I wouldn't like what she had to say.
Clearly pleased to have my full attention, she started explaining. "As you know, I'm not allowed to - and will not - discuss what we talk about in this room with anyone outside. But Carlisle was having some concerns, and he felt it urgent to voice his opinion."
I remained silent, holding my breath.
Dr. Clearwater sighed. "Edward, I want to ask you something, and I'd like for you to answer. Over the last six years, counting me, how many different counselors have you been seeing?"
I just looked at her, blankly. Opening my mouth, I then closed it again. Finally I shrugged. "Can't remember. Why?"
She was quiet for a moment. "You have been seeing me once a week, for almost four months now. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that it haven't been your choice to come here. But I have to ask you; do you feel like these sessions are just a waste of your time?"
Yes. Fuck, yes!
When I didn't respond, she went on. "I want to help you, Edward. But you won't let me."
That's because you can't. Face it, Doc; no one can.
"So, I'm going to give you a choice." I gave her a questioning look, not understanding where she was going. Dr. Clearwater looked me right in the eyes as she clarified, "You can walk out of here today, not having to come back. If you honestly feel that keep coming here won't give you anything, then I will explain to Carlisle that it's not working out. He'll understand."
At first, I just stared at her in disbelief. Was this a joke? Judging by her expression, she was dead serious. As I allowed the meaning of her words to sink in, I couldn't stop the bitter laugh from bubbling up inside me.
I was so fucked up, even the shrink considered me a lost case. How ironic was that? I hadn't asked for her help in the first place, and I sure as hell didn't want it.
But wasn't it her fucking job to at least keep trying?
"Edward?" She looked a little taken aback by my reaction. "Would you please tell me what you're thinking right now?"
Slowly getting up from the couch, I shook my head. "What's the point? I'm not your fucking patient anymore."
Ignoring her objections, I left Dr. Clearwater's office without looking back once.
"Edward?" Carlisle appeared at the top of the stairs the moment I entered the house, and I got the feeling he had been listening for my car, just waiting for me to come home. He hurried down and made his way over to me. "Are you all right, son?"
"Don't call me that," I snapped, automatically. Then I cocked my head to the side. "Did you know you could get fired by a shrink?"
He frowned. "What are you talking about?"
I rolled my eyes and attempted to step past him. "Never mind."
"Wait a minute." He carefully put his hand on my arm, only to quickly remove it when I tensed up and shot him a warning glare. "Please, Edward, can we just talk for a moment? I'd like to know what you meant by 'fired'. I take it things didn't go well at your session?"
"Like you don't know," I grumbled, giving him a hard look. "I bet you've already talked to the almighty doc. She probably called you the moment I was out of the fucking building, seeing how the two of you are obviously such cozy phone buddies."
"Actually..." Carlisle paused, having the decency to look guilty. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"
I let out a snort. "Why don't you tell me why you're under the illusion that talking is the fucking answer to everything?"
His face fell, and for a moment, I felt bad. Carlisle didn't deserve any of this crap from me. I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly feeling a desperate need to break something. The feeling of being a constant failure grew stronger and stronger inside me, and in that moment, I knew I had to leave, or I would say or do something I was bound to regret later.
So I spun around, and bolted out of the house before Carlisle would be able to stop me.
