Disclaimer: If you don't know by now then you never will. Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I'm just having fun.
Chapter Ten: SO LOST
Edward POV
I couldn't believe that my Bella went off on Rosalie. Not only went off on her but attacked her. Knocked her right on her ass. If it wasn't for the fact that I was sure Rose could fight I might have let her go. It was about time someone put Rosalie in her place. I wasn't exactly thrilled that Bella had done it while standing up for that dog but I did like this new side of her. She was all feisty and it was fun to see.
I had always thought Bella had to be the strongest person I would ever met to date me without fear of what I might do. No matter what I told her, when others would have run screaming, it never seemed to phase her. That type of inter strength is inspiring but to see her really show it was amazing. First with me telling me how much I had hurt her and then telling Rosalie that she needed to get over herself, and the best part is that she had been right on both accounts.
I had hurt her. As much as I didn't want to think about it deep down I knew it was true. I had hurt her more than what she even mentioned. It was my fault that James came after her and it was completely my fault that I didn't take Victoria into consideration when I left. Even if I was trying to protect her from myself and my family I should have stayed without her knowing just to make sure that nothing happened. That my past didn't come back to bit her; literally. Truthfully it was only a secondary thought to hunt down Victoria. I had been so lost without Bella and being around my family hadn't helped. They all had their mates and every time I looked at them all I wanted to do was run back to Bella. I had needed something to occupy me and finding Victoria seemed like a good place to start. Thank God I did. I didn't want to think about what would have happened to Bella if I hadn't been on her trail. If she had come back here and found Bella alone with just the wolves to protect her, my Bella would more than likely be dead right now. I mean the real dead.
As for Rosalie, the idea of her calling anyone selfish is comical. Every thought that goes through her brain is either about herself or Emmett and mostly herself. I knew that she loved us all and that she valued her family and would do anything for us but to think of her standing up for me with Bella would have made me laugh if Bella hadn't lunged for her throat. Especially when I could hear her thoughts and they were mostly centered on how much she hated being stuck in the house here and that the smells coming off Bella were enough to make her gag. There hadn't been one thought about me until she decided to would be a better argument. But Bella got her point across and Rose had apologized. Now it was my turn to do the same.
I left my room determined to seek out Bella. I needed to find her and make sure she knew how sorry I was for all the pain that I had ever caused her and that I wanted her here more than I wanted anything in this world. Not just wanted but needed. My heart needed her like my body needed blood and it was time that she knew that.
Try the patio, Alice directed. And this time don't screw it up. Talk not yell, got it Edward?
I gave no acknowledgement that I had heard her except that my steps changed and I moved away from Bella's room and toward the stairs. I found Bella sitting on the back swing that Esme had installed about a month before we left. She had put it there because Bella had mentioned how much she had always wanted a swing when she was a kid. A week later it was here and I don't think Bella ever knew that she was the inspiration.
I walked up quietly as I sat beside her. I didn't want her to leave but I was scared to take the chance of asking if I could join her. After everything that she had said today I wasn't confident that I would be welcome. We sat there for a few minutes not really moving or saying anything and Bella never looked my direction. She had her eyes glued to the edge of the forest.
"Can we talk?" I asked.
"I wouldn't be good company right now Edward." She said softly but never moved her eyes.
"Then can you listen?" There was so much that I wanted to tell her.
"Does it have to be right now?" She asked. I didn't know how to take that. I didn't like the fact that I had come out here to share my heart with her and she was pushing me away but after the day that she had had I did understand it.
"I guess it doesn't if you would rather wait." I wanted her attention focused on me and right now she did look distracted.
"Thank you" She said never moving her head.
"Are you looking for something?" I asked finding myself staring at the same spot.
"Yes"
"What?"
"I'll tell you but you won't like my answer." I could tell by her voice that she was feeling defensive and it hurt that she thought she couldn't share with me. I missed when we could talk about anything, when she told me everything.
"You can tell me anything Bella" I wanted that time back and this could be the first step.
"You'll get mad."
"I promise I won't" And I would keep that promise no matter what she said.
She turned then looking me right in the eye as if gauging my reaction before speaking. "I'm looking for Jake." She didn't turn but kept her eyes locked with mine.
I breathed in slowly keeping my emotions in check. I didn't like that she was expecting him again today but I wasn't going to ruin our relationship because of him. I had done enough damage on my own and after everything she said today I was coming to realize that if I wanted Bella back I might just have to accept this person as part of her life.
"I see" I nodded and waited for her to elaborate but she said nothing and continued to look into my face.
"That's it?"
"Yes" I smiled the crooked smile that I knew she loved. "Bella I know that I've done and said some things that have hurt you very much and for that I am sorrier than you could ever know or I could ever express. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more and I realize after everything you said how important this person is to you. I would hate to lose you even more because I pushed you about your friendship with him." I stressed the word friendship without even thinking about it.
"Really?" I could tell by the look she was giving that she wasn't convinced.
"Bella no matter what you have and will always be the most important person in my life." I told her. "So if he is important to you then I will make an effort to be more welcoming."
She didn't say anything at first. Then she pulled herself closer to me and put her arms around my neck hugging her body to mine. It was the best shock I had ever received. To feel her next to me again was everything that I had been hoping for. I quickly wrapped my own arms around her pulling her tighter to me. She had showered so the wet dog smell was gone and it was just my Bella. She didn't smell exactly as she did when she was human and I was glad since my throat wasn't burning but it was still the same. Her sweet smell was still stronger to me than it would be to anyone else and I would have it no other way. We sat there like that for only a few minutes but they were the best minutes I had experienced in the last five months.
She pulled away smiling and it was a real smile. The hesitance was gone as was the nerves. Her guard with me had come down. Now all I needed to do was show her how much I loved her and needed her and maybe, just maybe, I could win her back.
"Thank you" Her voice was just above a whisper but with my hearing it was crystal clear. "I can't tell you what it means to me for you to say that. I feel…" She trailed off.
"What Bella?"
She closed her eyes and my frustration grew. It was always so hard not being able to hear her mind especially when she had her eyes closed. "I feel so lost." She lowered her head. "Do you remember when I would beg for you to change me?"
"Yes"
"You would always tell me the cons of my choice, always list out the things that I would be giving up." She opened her eyes and looking back at mine. "I guess I finally understand that now." She was shaking her head back and forth. "I want to help and I can't."
"You want to help with what?" I needed to know. She looked so sad and I had to do whatever I could to erase the pain in her eyes.
"Something happened today at the Clearwater's" I breathed in. Surely if she had attacked someone she would have told us. "But I don't know what. Embry came and got Jake telling him that he was needed over there but he didn't say why." I relax some at her words. "Harry Clearwater is one of Charlie's best friends. They go fishing almost every week and watch football with Billy every game." I could see the hurt and pain in her eyes growing and I wanted to pull her back against me but I wasn't sure if she would be okay with that. I hated that I didn't know. All I wanted to do was comfort her and I had to hold myself back because she may not want me.
"What if it's something bad?" She would have tears in her eyes right now if she could. "I keep trying to convince myself that it isn't but if everything was okay then Jake would have called or come back already. He's been gone for hours and just sitting here is killing me for lack of a better word."
"I should be with Charlie." She was right. That was her place and because of us she couldn't. "I should be there to make sure that he's okay. That whatever happens he'll be okay but I can't. I can't go to him now; I can't go to him ever."
"He's going to live and grow old and die and I'm never going to be able to be there for him again." Her shoulders shook as if she was crying and I couldn't help it. I wrapped my arms around her offering her whatever strength she could take from me. "I'm never going to be able to see my father again and I'm not sure that he knows."
"Knows what Bella?"
"How much I love him." She breathed out. "How important he is to me. I was in such bad shape the last time he saw me. I was a walking shell of a person. I would disappear for long periods of time working with Jake on the bikes just so Charlie didn't see. I would scream out in pain every night from the nightmares and when he came to help I would turn away from him because I didn't want him to feel my pain as well." My dead heart was ripping to pieces at the description of the life I left her to. This was not what I had wanted.
"All that time I didn't see how much pain I was causing him and now I'm gone. He doesn't know where I am or if I'm okay. I haven't talked to him in over a week and now this." She pulled back from me. "Edward what if he can't handle this? What if he's about to crack and whatever happened at the Clearwater's today pushes him to the breaking point? I need to be there and I can't."
I wanted to help but I wasn't sure what I could do. I couldn't take her to see Charlie. Besides the fact that she was a newborn and the scent of his blood would be too much for her how was she going to explain the physical changes? She looked like Bella but a different version of her and Charlie would have to be blind not to notice.
Maybe she could call. Her voice would sound different over the phone but she could blame that on connection or phone cords and she wouldn't have to tell him where she was but she could let him know that she was fine and check on him.
"What if you called?" I asked her hoping that Alice would see whether this would work or if it would have long term affects.
"Do you think that could help?" She looked up at me with hope shining in her eyes.
"You'll sound different but you could tell him that it has to do with the phone." I shrugged. "At least you could check on him and make sure that he was doing good and let him know that you're okay."
I could see her thinking about it. "Okay" She smiled at me and my heart healed just a little.
I reached into my back pocket glad that I always keep my cell phone on me. I handed it to her. "You can just press two."
"Two?" She looked confused.
"You're programmed in." I told her sheepishly.
She smiled again and took the phone holding down the number two button until the phone started dialing. I listened as she held the phone to her ear while it rang. I wasn't sure if I should give her privacy to talk to her father or if she would want me to stay. Undecided I stayed in my spot until I heard the answering machine pick up.
"Should I leave a message?" She asked.
"If you do then how is he going to call you back?"
"That's true." She pressed the end button and handed the phone back to me. "Well it was a good idea at least."
"I'm sorry." I wished I could think of something more.
"Don't be" She shook her head at me. "I should have known that he wouldn't be home. I had already tried Jake's house and there was no answer there."
"Still…"
"Hey you tried so thanks."
"You're welcome." It felt empty to say it. She was thanking me when I had done nothing to help. She still didn't know what had happened or how her father was doing. I felt just as helpless as she did. What if I went by her house and checked on Charlie for her. After months of sneaking in and out of her room I knew how to get around her neighborhood undetected and I could let her know exactly how he was doing. I was about to suggest it when the trees split open and her wolf friend came walking through.
"Jake?" She rushed off the swing and over to him. He caught her as she flung herself at him and was hugging her tightly right in front of me. I knew that I had promised to try to be nice to him but this was more than I could take. I suppressed the growl that was building in my chest by thinking of the few moments that I had just had with Bella and that right now she had questions and he was the one that could answer them.
"Jake what happened?" She pulled away from him and I was relieved. "Have you been crying?"
"Bella you should sit back down." He was leading her back to the swing.
"Why Jake?" She had started to breathe faster even though she didn't need it. "What's wrong? What happened?"
The family must have heard them talking because they had all gathered by the back door and were looking toward Bella.
"Sit down Bella"
"No" Her voice was rising. "Tell me what happened?"
"Maybe you should sit back down Bella" I joined in hoping to easy what was shaping up to be bad news.
"I said no!" She screamed. "I am not sitting down until someone tells me what the hell happened today."
"Alright" He was holding her hands in his and this time I didn't care. If it would make this better for Bella it didn't matter. "Bella, Harry had a heart attack. He and Charlie were out fishing when it happened. Charlie rushed him back to shore and then to the hospital. But it was too late."
"What do you mean?" Her voice was so low that I had trouble hearing it. I could see Esme moving toward her along with Alice. They could obviously tell what was coming as we all could.
"He's gone Bella" Jake said holding her hands tighter. "The doctors did everything they could but they couldn't save him. He's….he's….gone."
"And Charlie?" She steeled herself.
"Charlie didn't take the news so well." He paused as if giving her time to get ready. His eyes darted to us and he motioned his head slightly knowing that Bella would need whatever support we could give her.
"Tell me Jacob."
"Charlie….he had…" He stuttered over the words. "Bella, Charlie had a stroke."
AN: Okay so I know that wasn't the way that we all wanted Charlie (our loved character) to come back but there he is. Don't hate me too much :( and I look forward to your reviews.
Ps. There might be a Valentine surprise coming. Stay tuned.
