AN: Hey readers! I don't know how often I already said it, but again, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR LOVELY REVIEWS! I'm so glad you like my story and I really hope that it stays this way. This next chapter will show a little progress in Carol's life again :D I know this is only a story, but I'm happy for Doug and Carol *lol* Are you too?


All I wanna be

"How are you feeling Carol?" Dr. Parrish asked and smiled at his patient. "I feel great. I mean…I still feel a little pain when I walk too quickly, but it's okay. I…since I remember everything, I feel a lot better. It helped, a lot", Carol answered and smiled back. "Did you drive again?" Dr. Parrish asked and Carol shook her head. "Not yet. I'm…I was sitting in front of the steering wheel, but couldn't start the car. That's why I'm here again. I need to be able to drive again. I'm just so scared", Carol said. Adam nodded and noted something in his chart. "Tell me why you need to drive", he then said and Carol closed her eyes for a moment. "Grocery shopping…We're now a family of four, we have little daughters who need a lot of stuff. I mean, I could take the El-train, but with all the grocery stuff it isn't fun. The kids don't drive with the school bus yet, so we have to bring them to kindergarten in the morning. We need to take the car when we visit my mother, or Doug's mother. Oh boy, we need the car very often", Carol said and shook her head smiling. "Right. So, tell me why you are afraid of driving a car", Adam said. Carol smiled. "I had an accident. I'm afraid to hurt my girls again. I'm afraid I'll have a crash again…that anything could happen and that we don't survive this time", Carol answered and Adam nodded. "Are your daughters scared while driving the car?" he asked. Carol shook her head again. "No…they never complained." "Do you feel save when Doug is driving the car?" Dr. Parrish asked. Carol thought about it. "Yeah…I think I feel save when he's driving. I always feel save around him", she smiled. "Then you know who could help you. I know you won't be afraid anymore when you try to drive. Just avoid the streets the first time. I'd say you two take the car on a Sunday, drive to the mall and there you can try it on the parking lot. It's okay to be scared, nobody is judging you", Adam answered. Carol sighed. It was always easier to talk about it than actually do it. Well, maybe she just needed to look fear in the eyes. She knew that Doug would help her. "All I wanna be is the old me again", Carol finally said and smiled. "We will get there, I'm sure", Adam answered and smiled too. "Doug and I…we're engaged. Again", Carol now laughed. "Oh wow, congratulations! That's good news! So…you see there was something positive with this accident. Where would you see yourself when this accident didn't happen?" Adam asked and leaned back. Carol thought about it for a moment and shook her head smiling. "Single with two four year old twin girls, working as a nurse at County General and still thinking about Doug and what we could have had", she answered and looked at Dr. Parrish again. "Life's better now, I guess", Adam answered smiling and Carol nodded. "So much better…we want to invite you and your wife to our wedding but we'll come back with an invitation", Carol said and got up from her seat again. "Thank you. And don't be afraid. I can feel that you're still struggling with yourself", Dr. Parrish said as he got up too. "How do you do that?" Carol asked shaking her head again. "I'm a psychologist…I know such things", Adam answered and followed her outside. Well, a pretty good one too, Carol thought and said good bye to Dr. Parrish.


On the El-train back home she started to think about her life again. Adam was so right about everything. If this accident didn't happen at all, she would still be alone. She wouldn't have this happy feeling in her heart. She wouldn't have the butterflies in her stomach. She wouldn't warm up from the inside when her daughters called after their daddy. Was this accident meant to be? Was it a sign that she needed to be with Doug? Whatever it was, Carol was now happier than ever. There was still that feeling that she dragged him away from Seattle, though. He had a life there, an amazing job and a big house on the lake that she never saw. What if he gave all that up just because of her? She could never give that back to him. Sighting she looked out of the window and thought about that time four years ago, when Doug left. She was so angry and hurt back then that Doug decided for his own good. Now she knew that she was so wrong to think this. Deep inside she knew that Doug was more hurt than ever and what did she do? She just made it worse by not allowing him to come back to see his daughters, by not coming to Seattle to live with him and by telling herself that she didn't need him. How could he still love her after all this?

When she finally arrived in front of her house, she took a deep breath and went inside. "Hey, how's it been?" Doug asked and came out of the living room with a smile on his face. Carol just cupped his head in her hands and kissed him very passionately. Doug chuckled but stopped when he saw Carol's tears then. "Hey…hey, now stop! What's up? What did Dr. Parrish say?" he asked her and took her hands in his. "Oh Doug…nothing bad, we didn't talk about anything bad, but…I started to think", Carol sobbed and buried her head on his chest. "Okay…now stop to cry and tell me what's on your mind…please Carol?!" Doug answered and led her to the couch in the living room. "I…I just don't know how I deserve your love", she said. "Carol…" Doug started, but she stopped him. "I know you love me and I love you, believe me, I love you so much but I hurt you so much. I…I just don't understand how you could forget that and give up everything in Seattle and come here to live with us after I hurt you so much", she said and looked at Doug again. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again, he smiled at her. "Alright…again from the beginning. Those four years in Seattle were the most horrible years in my life I guess. I love you and I want to be with you. Please…I don't want to talk about those four years anymore. They happened and we can't get them back but we have so many years ahead of us. I want us to be a family, to live together, to raise our daughters together. We both made a mistake…and now let's do it right, okay?" he tried to convince her and took her hand in his again. Carol wanted to say something, but again it was Doug who talked. "And I don't want to go back to Seattle, if that's what you wanted to ask. It would always remind me of those damn four years I lived there without you. I am where I want to be. With you. I don't want to live without you ever again. I love you so much, Carol. Please accept that. I can't do more than apologize for what I did to you. Don't punish yourself by thinking you didn't deserve my love…you're my soulmate. I love you." Carol wiped away another tear and hugged him again. "I love you too Doug…I'm sorry that I'm so complicated", she said and finally wiped her tears away. "Well that keeps me busy", Doug chuckled and Carol rolled her eyes. "Thank you for being here", she then whispered and kissed him again. "So, what did Dr. Parrish say?" Doug asked now. "That I should drive the car with you by my side…on a Sunday at a shopping mall parking lot", she told him and Doug nodded. "Well, we have a Sunday program then", he answered and smiled.


"I'm here. Nothing will happen to you. Just relax." Carol heard Doug's voice but not what he said. She just felt like dying any minute. She didn't breathe, she couldn't think straight, and that leather in her hands felt like needles. "I can't", she said quietly. She really couldn't. How would she ever be able to drive a damn car? "Yes you can. I'm here, Carol. Look at me", Doug said and she looked at him. "You can do it. Nothing will happen okay?" he said again but Carol shook her head. "No. I'm sorry. I can't do it", she answered and got out of the car. Doug sighed. "Come on, we didn't even start yet!" he tried to calm her down but Carol was really frustrated. "What's wrong with me Doug? This is a fucking parking lot!" she almost shouted. Doug chuckled. "Exactly, this is a fucking parking lot! So show this fucking parking lot who's the boss okay?" he answered smiling. Carol just buried her head in her hand. "Don't know what I'm afraid of", she murmured as Doug hugged her. "I don't know either. Let's just…just get in there and start the engine. You don't need to drive okay? Just start the engine and we'll see what happens, okay?" Doug suggested but Carol didn't move. "Hey…look at me…do you want to drive again?" he asked. "I do", she answered without looking up. "What? I didn't hear you", Doug said and backed away from her a little. "Oh shut up", Carol answered frustrated and got back into the car. Doug chuckled as he shook his head and took a seat beside her again. "Tess and Kate will learn it faster than you", he teased her and Carol rolled her eyes. "Seriously Doug? You're not much of a help here", Carol answered and looked at him with a furrowed brow. "Just do it. Drive that damn car on this fucking parking lot", he chuckled and Carol closed her eyes as she shook her head again. "Okay. Okay, I'll do it. Nothing will happen. I'll do it", she said but…she did nothing. "Take it slowly. Turn the key around", Doug said in a low voice now. Carol opened her eyes and touched the keys. Her foot on the clutch was shaking. And then…Doug almost couldn't believe it, but she started that car. "Oh God", she said and held the steering wheel tight. "Great…Carol! See, it isn't that difficult! You did it!" Doug said happily. Carol was pale like a ghost. She heard the sound of the engine, she smelled the fuel and she suddenly felt the pain of the accident again. "Slow Carol. I'm here and you're okay. You can stop if you want", he said but she didn't listen to him. Carol was so tired of her fear. She wanted to stop it; she never wanted to be scared again. Slowly, she put in the first gear in and then she closed her eyes, before she took a deep breath. Doug was really proud that she could handle this on her own. "You're driving", he said what felt like minutes later and suddenly Carol started to smile. "I'm driving…I'm really driving!" she said and laughed. "Oh wow. I'm driving", she again said and then parked the car into a parking space. With a big smile on her face she looked at Doug. "Thank you", she said, stroke over his cheek and kissed him. Doug nodded and smiled. "I didn't do anything…wanna try it again?" he asked and Carol nodded. She tried it again and again and again.

"Do you think you're ready for the street?" he then asked and Carol inhaled deeply. "I don't know. Yes, I guess. I mean, I wasn't ready for the parking lot either", she laughed. "Well…not much going on on the streets today and the kindergarten isn't that far away…we could get the twins if you want", Doug suggested and immediately noticed Carol's panic. The kindergarten. The traffic light. The truck. All that came back to her memory again. "Hey…you don't need to drive there. I can drive. It's okay…we can stop for today", Doug mentioned and tried to calm her down again. "Argh…you know what? I'm so sick of being scared. If I don't face the fear, I'll never do it. So…let's go get our babies", she smiled and took a deep breath once again before she started the car again. Doug didn't take his eyes from her. Of course he felt her fear but he just wanted to help her to forget. Carol did great. She was a fighter and Doug was really proud of her for fighting against her fear. The street was almost empty but Carol drove like it was the first driving lesson she ever had. "You're doing great, Care", Doug assured her and she nodded without looking at him at all. She was just focused on the street and she blended out all the noises around her. All the time she thought that nothing could happen to her. And nothing did happen. "So this is the traffic light where the truck hit us…" she murmured when they arrived at this special place in front of the kindergarten. "Yes, here it is and look at you...you drove here", Doug smiled at her. Carol remembered the talk she had with the twins; their complaining about the bad weather and then she looked to her left. No truck was seen at all, but she saw it in front of her, the man, sitting in it and waving at her. They never talked about the driver before. Carol just didn't really think about him. "Did he die?" she suddenly asked. Doug nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. "He was drunk and died here on the streets immediately", he answered and Carol nodded. Too bad, she thought. She just wanted to ask that man what he'd do if it would've been his kids in the car that got hit by a truck. What was running through the man's head when he saw Carol's car standing there? "Carol…" Doug said and interrupted her thoughts. "Hm?" she asked and looked at him. "It's green. Safe to go", he said again and she nodded before she drove again. The apartment was only some more minutes away. When they finally arrived there, Carol smiled. "Yay", Doug chuckled and she hugged him. "Oh God…I wouldn't have been able to do this without you", she said and kissed him shortly. "I'm here to help", Doug answered and put a curl behind her ear.

"Oh my God, I saw it from the window! You did drive the car, Carol?" Helen said as she opened the door to her apartment. Carol smiled. "Hello to you too! Yes mama, I did", she answered and hugged her mother. "Hello Helen", Doug said behind her, smiling too. It was still awkward for him to face Carol's mother after all that happened. "Oh Doug, I'm so glad you are here. You are helping her so much!" Helen said and hugged her future son in law too. Doug was stunned. He didn't expect that from Helen. Carol giggled. "Oh mama, stop crying! Where are my girls?" she asked and looked around. "Mommy, we are eating our lunch!" she then heard Tess calling and Carol nodded. "Are you hungry too? I have so much left. Be my guests", Helen said and went to the kitchen. Carol went to Doug and hugged him. "I can't believe I really drove that car", she murmured into his neck. Doug inhaled the scent of her hair. "You did great. How are you feeling now?" Doug asked without letting her go. "Amazing. Still a lot of adrenaline in my blood, but I'm okay", Carol answered and finally smiled at him. "Oh, believe me, still a lot of adrenaline in my blood too", Doug chuckled and kissed her. Helen watched them and coughed slightly and so Carol and Doug turned to her. "Come eating or it will get cold. The girls are almost ready." She said. "Okay, thanks mama", Carol answered and smiled from one ear to the other.

After lunch Doug played with the kids in the living room and Carol helped her mother in the kitchen. "Carol, you are finally getting better, right?" Helen asked and Carol nodded. "Yes mama. I'm feeling great. I think I wanna go back to work soon", she answered while she dried a plate. "Why? Stay at home a little bit longer; enjoy your time with Douglas and the girls…look how much they love him", Helen said and pointed in Doug's direction. Not only the girls loved him that much. "Oh, if you stare at him a little bit longer, the plates will dry by themselves", Helen mentioned and Carol shook her head smiling. "I'm so happy, mama", she said and tried hard to hold back happy tears. "See, I always told you to be with him. But no, you have to be stubborn…now see what you missed those four years!" Helen whispered and then turned around to go get the rest of the dishes from the table. Carol laughed and rolled her eyes, but yes, her mother was so right. But as Doug said, she needed to leave those four years behind and start new. As she watched Doug with the girls, she knew that she finally was ready. She was, who she wanted to be again.