Disclaimer: All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13
If I Have Not Love
Part Eleven***********************************
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I
am fully known.
***********************************
"Hey Abby!" Carter called.
Abby looked up at Carter who casually strolled behind the admin desk. He looked happier these days, which made Abby a little unhappy. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but Abby was perplexed at the reason for her unhappiness. "What's up?"
"I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight?"
Abby was somewhat stunned. They hadn't seen each other for a week or so, other than a few casual exchanges. "Uh, no. Why?" she asked inquisitively.
"Well my Grams is having a dinner party and she told me to invite a couple of friends," he explained.
"I don't know Carter," Abby hesitated. Was this an attempt at a date? "It's just…"
Mark walked up beside the pair. "What are you guys lingering here for? We've got patients," he quipped.
Abby looked at him queerly. "You just sounded like Weaver Dr. Green. Too eerie!"
"You don't say?" he laughed. "Must be the meds."
Abby shook her head and turned back to Carter. "Who's going to be there?"
John shrugged. "Grams, me, a few of her stuffy business execs."
"No," Abby corrected. "I mean, from the ER."
"Oh, uh, let's see. Mark and Elizabeth couldn't make it because of Ella. Susan's got this thing against going to ex-boyfriend's grandparent's dinner parties," Carter joked.
Abby was getting a little worried. "So is it just me and you from the ER?"
John shook his head much to her relief. "No. Deb's gonna be there. She wasn't going to, but Grams made a big deal about how stuffy everyone is and uninteresting the tabletop conversation would be and Deb gave in."
For some reason knowing Dr. Chen was going to be there, didn't make her feel any better. "And that's it?"
"Well, I would invite Keri, but Deb wouldn't come if I did."
Abby shook her head. "I guess I can come. Yeah, sure."
It was a no win situation. If she didn't go, John and Jing Mei could 'bond' some more, which didn't sit well with her and if she did go, she'd have to endure dinner with both of them. A no win situation.
» * »
John stopped to adjust his tie in the foyer mirror as he walked to answer the door. The butler was out for the night and the maids were helping in the kitchen. As he opened the door John ran his hand down his brown suit jacket.
"Deb!" John greeted his best friend who stood on the doorstep.
"Hi John," she smiled.
"Come on in. What are you waiting for?"
"Oh, my date," Deb informed.
John was going to inquire about whom it was, but then he found out as the large muscular Croatian man step up behind her. "Luka?" he exclaimed in surprise.
» * »
Jing Mei entered into the house, past the stunned John. "Yes John. Luka. Grams told me to bring someone with me and since Luka was free I invited him. Is that a problem?" she whispered discreetly.
John scratched the back of his head and scrunched his face in consideration. Then shaking his head nonchalantly. "No. Of course not."
Jing Mei didn't believe him. She knew he didn't like Luka very much, if at all, but Jing Mei thought it would be impolite not to invite him since most of the ER staff Luka knew had been invited. Besides, she needed a date. Jing Mei didn't want to attend this thing with Abby there. She knew John's attention would be distracted and Jing Mei needed a confidant. And since Luka and Abby were on the 'outs' somewhat and he was an interesting date, Jing Mei felt that he was a good choice. Especially since she knew he wouldn't try to put 'the moves' on her.
"Where is everyone?" Jing Mei asked.
John gestured with his hands to the empty room. "This is it!" he replied. "Other than the business associates my Grams invited. Oh, and…" But before John could finish, Abby walked through the open door.
"Uh, hi guys!" Abby waved awkwardly.
"Hi!" Luka smiled.
Jing Mei rolled her eyes. Abby. The only one who had to show up? Boy this was going to be fun.
Dinner was made up of polite conversation and surface greetings. Jing Mei grinned and bore it. Luka sat on her right and so did Abby. John sat at the end of the table with Abby to his left.
"So who is this young man Jing Mei?" Grams asked inquisitively.
Jing Mei blushed. "He's a colleague at County with me."
"Oh," Grams nodded. "So there aren't just women doctors at this hospital?"
Jing Mei stifled a laugh as Grams eyed John who rolled his eyes.
"Yes," Abby piped in. "There are a lot of other handsome doctors like Luka and John!"
Grams tilted her head and squinted at Abby. "I do know that. I have been at the hospital, um, what was your name again?" Grams asked hastily.
"Abby," she answered awkwardly.
"Abbie?" Grams repeated disdainfully. "John, can't you pick girls with names that don't end with 'ie'. First Susie, now Abbie?"
John cleared his throat as he looked apologetically at Abby.
Grams seemed to come back from the little tangent and motioned to her business guests. "Sorry for the digression Bill," Grams apologized to her lawyer. "I think we will retire to the sitting room John. Perhaps you and your friends would like to go to the rec room. I'm sure they haven't seen it."
Jing Mei rose from her seat to help Grams, but she should have known better. The older woman pushed her helping hand away. "Go, go!"
As they left, Jing Mei looked at the remaining guests. Abby, John, and Luka.
What had she gotten herself into?
» * »
John led the trio into the rec room which housed a pool table, a ping pong table, and a few chairs and a couple of couches. "Well this is the rec room," John announced.
Abby and Luka mumbled words of excitement. "Hey, anyone for pool?" Luka asked.
John and Deb looked back and shook their heads. "No thanks," they said in unison.
Luka and Abby looked at them queerly as John looked at Deb and shared a laugh.
"So are you having fun yet?" John asked sarcastically.
Deb hit him in the stomach. "John, how was I supposed to know it was going to be the infamous County love triangle?" Deb groaned.
"Well, you could have asked me!" John retorted.
John couldn't believe Deb was with Luka. First Abby now Deb. John thought Deb was smarter than that. Deb couldn't fall for someone so cocky or irritating. He wouldn't let her.
"Do I have to run my dates by you now John?" Deb asked playfully.
"Maybe," he replied, feigning contemplation on the subject. "Um, let's see. You do if you're gonna date him!"
John motioned to Luka. Deb didn't laugh at his little joke.
"Excuse me?" she huffed. "Since when did you become my keeper? At least I'm with someone who can make up their mind!"
John didn't like that implication. "At least I know what I want and I go for it!" he exclaimed.
Deb folded her arms across her chest. "I don't see anyone doing that, John. I see someone pining over someone who isn't going to choose him. At least I don't let guys play me the way Abby's playing you."
John shook his head. "She's not playing me," John denied. "If anything, it's Luka who's playing Abby and I'm just trying to make her see that."
John looked over at Abby and Luka who'd finally found the pool cues and were beginning a game of eight ball.
Deb remained silent and watched the game.
"Are you jealous?" John asked suggestively. "Is that why you're attacking Abby? Because she's got me and Luka and you feel left out?"
John laughed at the thought, but was sobered when he saw the look of hurt on her face.
"In your dreams John Truman Carter. In your dreams." And with that, Deb walked over and whispered something in Luka's ear. He looked like he would protest, but then put his arm around Deb's waist and led her out the door.
All John and Abby could do was watch in confusion.
» * »
Jing Mei fumed all the way home. She apologized to Luka for her bad mood and thanked him for the ride and kissed him on the cheek. When she entered her apartment, she found 2 messages waiting for her on her answering machine. Both were from John. He asked her why she had left and then apologized if he'd said something hurtful. Jing Mei erased the messages and went to bed.
In the morning Jing Mei continued to think up nasty names for John. She couldn't believe he said those things last night. Jing Mei knew he was egotistical, but that thickheaded? She shook her head and began to run the shower.
Maybe a shower would make her feel better.
~~~
Jing Mei couldn't get the thought out of her mind. She sat curled up on her couch with a hot cup of coffee. 'Are you jealous?'
The question ran through her head a couple of times. Finally Jing Mei picked up a medical journal and began reading, hoping to take her mind off of John and the fact that maybe, just maybe, she was…jealous.
» * »
John had been distracted all day and at the end of his shift. He'd left messages on Deb's machine. He was sure of it, but Deb didn't return his calls. John couldn't seem to focus as he was suturing a patient's hand. "Ow! Hey watch it man!" the old man threatened.
"Sorry," John replied, looking up briefly.
Finally when he'd finished, John made another call to Deb. The line was busy.
Damn it!
John hadn't slept a wink last night. After apologizing to Abby for ending the night so quickly, John phoned Deb a few times and left 2 messages. He'd made a mess of something that even John didn't think he could mess up. But John had. And somehow he had to rectify it.
» * »
Jing Mei sat on a chair staring out her balcony window with her reading glasses positioned on the bridge of her nose. She'd finally stopped thinking about him and was pondering whether she should see her parents that night or not.
Knock knock.
"Just a minute!" Jing Mei called.
Jing Mei walked over to the changed door. "Who is it?" she asked, peering through the peephole.
"John," a man's voice replied.
Jing Mei walked to the kitchen stool. "Go away John," Jing Mei growled.
"Deb, come on. I'm sorry!" John apologized through the door.
"I heard you, now leave."
Jing Mei heard a light thumb on the door. "Deb, I'm so sorry. It slipped out. I didn't mean it."
Jing Mei walked to the door again. "What didn't you mean? The part about being jealous or feeling sorry for myself because I was feeling left out?" she accused.
She didn't know what to feel anymore. Part of her wanted to forgive him and let him in, but part of her still stung from the comments. And then there was the part of her that nagged her in the back of her head. He's right you know.
"Both!" John pleaded. "Let me in Deb."
Jing Mei opened the door as far as the chain lock would allow. "I don't want to talk to you John. Go away." And she closed the door shut in his face.
» * »
John stood there stunned. He couldn't believe how mad she was. John kept at Deb, apologizing and asking her to let him in for the next 20 minutes. Finally he was ready to give up. "Fine Deb," he called. "I'm leaving."
As John turned to leave, the door opened. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry too," Jing Mei called.
John turned to see an unhappy Deb. He walked over and hugged her. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean it Deb. And I know you didn't mean those things about Abby and me."
» * »
Jing Mei pulled away from John. "But I did John."
John looked confused. "What do you mean?"
Jing Mei had done a lot of thinking over the entire day and then in between John's apologies and explanations, she'd realized why she was so angry. The words had hit home. They were partly true.
She did envy Abby for having Luka and John. Jing Mei was jealous. Why? She didn't quite know. Jing Mei was intelligent, some say beautiful, but she'd never quite felt that way about herself and now John was pointing out a fear that had always lingered. No one would want her.
She wouldn't be good enough, pretty enough, and smart enough. And lately those things proved to be true, and now the final blow. Two incredible men wouldn't want her the way they wanted Abby. Or one in particular.
"John, I was jealous." Jing Mei was tired of pretending. Tired of hiding from her 'best friend'. He didn't know her. John didn't really know what she was feeling. She hadn't known until last night.
Watching John defend Abby after all she had put him through had made Jing Mei furious and she'd lashed out. As Jing Mei looked back on that time, she could recall fully, what thought clearly passed through her mind at that time. Care about me like that. Love me like that. Because…I love you.
"John, I was jealous that Abby had you wrapped around her finger," Jing Mei finally admitted.
John protested, "She doesn't."
Jing Mei nodded. "Yes she does. Be honest John. I am being honest with you. No more pretending Abby's affect on you doesn't bother me. No more pretending."
» * »
John was at a loss for words. The way he thought Deb always felt about him was wrong. In the past weeks, John had had stirrings of emotions that he'd never dealt with before. She was his best friend, not anything more?
John had been attracted to Abby. Wasn't she the one he wanted to be with? Should be with? John wanted Abby, but last night John realized he needed Deb.
Deb was his rock. She was dependable, but not like a dog was dependable. Deb was caring and loving. John loved her, but he'd never thought it was the kind of love that he wanted from a woman. John had never thought of her that way. It was that kind of platonic love. He wanted passion.
But lately, John had realized, maybe that his mistake, looking for passion. John always had equated passion for love, but this year he'd learned a lot about love and caring and needing and wanting someone. He'd wanted Abby, but John didn't really need her.
All the time he'd spent with Deb, John couldn't imagine not spending his time with her. John had always gone after what he wanted, but never realizing that maybe, it wasn't what he needed and that was the reason it never lasted. And maybe, this time, finally, he had found what he was looking for all along. Except this time, he loved the woman.
John loved what he was after and it scared him to death. He hadn't wanted to face the reality of what made a relationship work. And this relationship worked. Did love really work any differently than a relationship? Any kind of relationship?
Deb had slowly become the woman in his life these past few weeks. They could do anything, watch a movie, go have dinner, take walks in the park, talk. He'd always wanted those things with Abby, John had imagined doing those things with Abby. But now, he couldn't imagine doing those things with anyone else. And when Deb came to the dinner with Luka, he'd felt jealous. Jealous that Deb would call it a date. John was jealous that she would bring anyone over to his house other than herself. And John had lashed out.
"John?" Deb called to the enlightened man.
"Hmm?"
Deb looked him in the eye and swallowed hard. "What are you thinking John?"
As John felt her hand resting on his arm he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. "Do you really want to know?" he asked.
Deb nodded.
John sat her down on her couch and was about to let her know everything that was in his heart right at that moment.
