Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.

Have Explosives, Will Travel or From Badenov to Curse

Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle, Edgar and Chauncey, and Captain Peachfuzz all previously escaped from quicksand. But now they are in the middle of an explosive trap set up Boris Badenov. Will our heroes avoid the fatal fuses?

Bullwinkle: It's not as dangerous as the Frostbite Falls neighbourhood traffic.

Narrator: The explorers jump in a large hole and evade the explosions, which is similar to how they escaped a sandstorm earlier.

*KABOOM*

Edgar: Hopefully there aren't any poisonous snakes this time.

Chauncey: Yeah, we should try to watch out for them.

Captain Peachfuzz: Hey, this place is my outpost!

Rocky: Is this where you found the artefacts?

Peachfuzz: No, but I found some new friends! They seemed familiar for some reason...

Rocky: What did your "new friends" do?

Peachfuzz: There were three of them, and I showed them where the tomb was located.

Bullwinkle: Okay, but what's with the holes? This place has more holes than the plot for this story.

Peachfuzz: When I wasn't looking, my outpost was taken over by killer rabbits and mole people! But my friends fought them off, which is why they were covered with dirt and were carrying shovels.

Edgar: Well, that's not something you hear every day.

Rocky: Captain Peachfuzz, are you sure that's what happened to your outpost?

Peachfuzz: Uh, I didn't see it, but one of my fellow expert explorers said it was true. I think his name was Fearless Leader or something.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Peachfuzz: Did the killer rabbits and mole people come back?

Rocky: Um, no. But I know who's responsible for this.


Narrator: Meanwhile, Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader are heading for their submarine.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, usually I highly despise you, but your trap was brilliant.

Natasha: Yes, Boris dollink, there is no possible way that they can escape and stop us from taking over the world.

Boris: Aw, it was nothing.

The trio runs into an archaeologist.

Archaeologist: Hello, my fellow archaeologists.

Fearless Leader: You must be mistaken. I am Fearless Leader, the self appointed ruler of Pottsylvania. How could you possibly mistake me for someone else?

Natasha: You are still wearing that disguise you used to get Moose and Squirrel stuck in the quicksand.

Fearless Leader: Oh, that makes sense.

Archaeologist: I noticed your collection of rare, fascinating relics.

Boris: That's right, we hit the jackpot!

Archaeologist: You sure did. But since you three aren't professionals, I should probably take them off your hands-

Fearless Leader: Well, if you put it that way, I am indeed an archaeologist. My name is Dunstan Ramses, and I am the most fearless archaeologist in the world!

Archaeologist: That's great! I've never heard of you before, but you guys have good proof.


Narrator: The archaeologist thinks they are also professionals because of their proof, but he doesn't know their actual intentions. While the fellow "explorers" stay at his outpost, our heroes are trying to figure out where they should go in this vast ocean of sand.

Bullwinkle: It says on this map that we should follow an eyeball and some birds.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, that's not a map. They're hieroglyphics.

Narrator: Mr. Know it All's knowledge of Ancient Egyptian writing is clearly evident, as well as his sense of navigation.

Bullwinkle: This is almost as hard to understand as the story!

Narrator: They decide to head for Pottsylvania and convince the villains to send the stolen artefacts to a museum.

Edgar: I kind of agree with you, Rocky, but if they disagree, Fearless Leader will shoot us!

Chauncey: Or execute us.

Edgar and Chauncey: Or both.

Rocky: They'll probably refuse, but we should at least try.

Chauncey: Didn't you hear what we just said? Trying to negotiate with Fearless Leader is like walking into a firing squad.

Rocky: It's the right thing to do.

Bullwinkle: I'd say that it's worth a shot.

Narrator: After Bullwinkle's pun gets his fellow travellers even more nervous, their next destination is Pottsylvania. However, their only mode of transportation, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam, is nowhere in sight.

Chauncey: There's an outpost! We can ask the people there for directions.

Edgar: You're probably seeing another mirage. Like the bench that was really a cactus.

Chauncey: I know it's not a mirage. I can feel it.

Edgar: You mean the cactus needles stuck up your-

Peachfuzz: Hi, Mr. Archaeologist!

Archaeologist: Hello, fellow explorers. My name is Bill Nile, not "Mr. Archaeologist".

Edgar: Chauncey and I are also archaeologists. We're looking for our boat, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam.

Chauncey: And we're trying to stop some bad guys from stealing artefacts.

Bill Nile: You ran into some tomb robbers? Well, I'll make sure to be on the lookout for them. And I saw your vessel. It's less than a mile away from my outpost.

Rocky: Thank you, Mr. Nile.

Bill Nile: No problem. By the way, I was trying put a nose back on the Great Sphinx earlier, but a paper airplane exploded and knocked it off. Do you know who's responsible for that?

Bullwinkle: Uh... no?

Bill Nile: All right then. I'll just have to ask my overly enthusiastic audience.

Crowd: Yay.


Narrator: He's still having problems with his project, and the audience. I guess if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Oh, wait...

Rocky: There's our boat!

Bullwinkle: How do you know it's ours?

Rocky: It has rubies decorated all over it. And you wrote "The Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam" on the side.

Bullwinkle: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

Rocky: Do you recognize your handwriting?

Bullwinkle: No. I remember it because I spelled "ruby" wrong.

Chauncey and Edgar laugh at him.

Peachfuzz: Don't feel bad, Bullwinkle. Sometimes I spell "the" wrong.

They laugh even harder.

Bullwinkle: Mr. Narrator, could you please narrate more of the story?

Narrator: Hahahaha-

Bullwinkle: Mr. Narrator?

Narrator: Huh? Oh, right. Sorry about that. Our heroes, explorers, and idiots attempt to sail to Pottsylvania. But since Captain Peachfuzz is with them, he insists on sailing the vessel. But since he is a complete and utter moron, they end up in a different destination. Try to guess where they are.

They are in another desert environment. There is a sign that says, "Mojave Desert".

Peachfuzz: The Northwest region of Canada?

Narrator: ...No. You're not in Dudley Do-Right's territory. Or in any Territories for that matter.

Bullwinkle: I'm not sure, but judging by that sign, we're in the Mojave Desert. Again.

Narrator: Congratulations! You're right! You've just won a million dollars!

Bullwinkle: Really?

Narrator: No.

Rocky: What rotten luck! First we get lost here in the Upsidasium episodes, then we're lost in the earlier episodes of this story, and now this happens.

Edgar: You mean good luck. This place is way better than Pottsylvania. It's less dangerous.

Chauncey: I wouldn't be so sure of that. Remember the evil cactus?

Edgar: You mean the one you sat on? Heheh-

Chauncey: You sat on it, too.

Edgar: -please don't rub that in.

Bullwinkle: Hey, I found a random train in the middle of nowhere!

Chauncey: That's great! Edgar and I can drive it to Pottsylvania.

Rocky: Are you sure that's legal? You're not train conductors anymore.

Chauncey: Who cares if it's not legal?

Narrator: And so, the fired train conductors conduct the locomotive, without any regard to state laws.

Edgar: This is probably why we get fired so often.

Narrator: Suddenly, the train is heading for a dead end!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: That end isn't the only thing that's going to be dead.

Narrator: Will our heroes survive the impact of crashing into a cliff? And are the stolen artefacts really cursed? Stay tuned next time for, "Dangers on a Train" or "Cursive Writing".