As for where I come up with stuff- I sit at my computer for hours with a vague idea of what the plot will be and all the details come as I write.

I think this is the saddest chapter yet. Even I almost cried, and I wrote the dang thing.


In the blackness I felt my body grow stronger. I stood up and stumbled blindly for a few minutes. Then the city's alerts pierced through the air and in the distance I saw light. I ran towards it, glad that I didn't have problems breathing in my own dreams.

The blackness peeled away at the edge of the light.

The corner.

I stopped. Light continued to stretch to where Krew usually stood in my nightmares. He wasn't there. The peeling darkness paused, then exploded out through me. Everything now- everything was here. The concrete walls splattered with shining blood and the stench of burning oils and flesh. I looked down at the black zoomer shell. It wasn't in the right position. The alarms screamed, but no one came running. Slowly, the pool of blood oozed out from under the tail rudders. It stopped right where I knew it would, right at the edge of the new cracks in the street. I heard groaning and Drusus crawled out from under the zoomer. It broke as he moved and settled into the place that was engraved in my mind. Oh Mar... I'm seeing him die.

His eyes hadn't glazed over yet. He was trying to pull his shirt away from his neck. Drusus spat blood and teeth and coughed. "Help..." he said weakly. I shuddered involuntarily and sank to my knees. His hands shook. "Two minutes." He tried to pull his leg out from under the zoomer seat. "Fifteen seconds." I saw bone splinters through his shin. "I won!" His face was splitting in half. He stopped struggling with the zoomer and lay in the dust. I covered my mouth with my hand and swallowed bile.

"Drusus!"

Krew's voice. I heard the pattern of his lithe footsteps approach. He came into view, but unlike Drusus and I, was a strange shade of gray.

"Dammit! The new model!"

Drusus grabbed for Krew's leg. Krew kicked him away. He turned and ran back in the direction of the hideout, screaming, "c'mon boys! We got metal to salvage-"

The red lights flashed. I crawled over to him. His blue eyes were starting to whiten. His hands clenched and unclenched. I touched his face but he couldn't feel me. I'm inside the memory of a dead man. I knew Krew would return soon, and after that I myself would be running to the corner. Then the Guard would come, and then they would shoot him like a dog in the street...

"Drusus!" I didn't care that my hands went right through his face. "Why am I seeing this again?" Overwhelming helplessness coursed through me. I screamed at the sky, my fingers bloodless though they had trailed through the puddle of red. "Why are you making me see him die?!" Blood started seeping out from the front of the zoomer- the blood that would climb up the hem of the skirt I wore now. Drusus coughed once more and then his head turned. His tongue snuck out of his mouth in a cocoon of saliva. His eyes started to roll.

Then I saw something I had not noticed that night, and all the nights I dreamed about it since. Thin tears ran down from the corners of his eyes and mixed with the open muscle and bone of his face. Drusus never cries.

I felt the blood rise in my face and I started to scream. I covered my eyes with my palms and cursed Onin. "How could you make me relive this?!" Mucus and tears clogged my throat. Around me I felt the flutter of Krew and the slummers and the Guards and myself, all gray ghosts and red sirens.

"Let me go! Let me go back to my boy!" I looked up just in time to see the Peace Maker blast my love into a twisted heap of black and bone. I shut my eyes but I couldn't banish the sight of his body convulsing in the cold blue light- the sight those Guards had spared me a year ago. I screamed and screamed.

"Oy! Cilley love, leave that alone!"

I sniffed and looked around wildly. The Guards and the corner faded together in a monochrome gray. "W-what?" I whispered.

"OooOOoo! Cilley!"

"Drusus?!" I stood up as fast as I could. My nose ran and I tried to wipe it with my sleeve. I coughed and spun around. "Oh MAR!"

Arms folded over his green shirt, Drusus leaned against the wall opposite the corner and grinned at me.

"Drusus!"

I ran over, laughing hysterically and crying at the same time. He caught me and I thought I would die in his arms. "Oy, Cilley love, calm dow-" I cut through his water slums accent with my mouth. I wrapped my arms around him and shut my eyes and all I could feel was his warmth.

"Oh Mar, oh Drusus." I smashed my face into his, relishing the touch of his nose on my cheek and my fingers curling through his hair.

My tears slipped between our lips and he laughed and pushed me back. "Just a sec, love." He pulled a handkerchief out and gently wiped off my face. I laughed too, in complete shock and feeling happier than I had ever felt before. "That's a bit less disgusting." He winked at me and I pulled him down to the dusty street.

"Drusus," I said, smiling. I stretched out over him and kissed him until he made me stop.

"As much as I'm likin' all this," he said, stroking my face. "We don't got a lot of time and there's things I got to tell you."

"Okay." I shut my eyes. He was so real. His chest rose and fell beneath my body as he breathed. I even felt a heartbeat under his warm skin. This is enough. Oh Mar. I can't leave you again.

Drusus combed his hands through my hair as he talked. "You got a bad sickness, Cilley love. You're always dizzy and feelin' sick and it's cuz of your sickness."

I murmured into his chest, letting his warmth and physical presence fill me completely. His accent, considered the lowest of the lowest classes, sang through my ears and I shivered with delight.

Drusus sighed. "You're not listening."

"Yes, I am." I snuggled my face into his shoulder and kissed his neck. "Please don't leave me again."

"Tell me about my son."

"He's beautiful." I felt a quiet sob rise and crushed it. "Jak's beautiful." I pushed off his chest a little and looked down into his eyes. "Just like you. He's strong- stronger than me. He helps me all the time. And he loves those damn zoomers." Drusus grinned. "He still doesn't talk. He doesn't scream. We're doing signing. This is 'daddy,'" I wiggled my fingers against his cheek. "He loves you and we miss you so, so much." I almost started to cry again. "At night he wears that shirt, and he looks at your trophies."

"He in school?"

"No. Praxis destroyed them, basically." I traced the seam of his shirt with one finger.

He sighed. "Cilley, sit up, Cilley." I rolled off him and we sat up against the building. He took my hand, frowning at the bones beneath the thin skin. "Please don't be 'fraid of what I gotta tell you."

My happiness faltered. "What is it?"

"You're dying, Cilley."

"What?"

Drusus licked his lips and looked away. "You're real sick, love. Look how thin you got." He ran his hands down my side and swallowed. "You got something inside you, eating at you."

"I do?" I stared at him in disbelief. "But I thought it was just cuz- just cuz we didn't have food all the time, and when we had food I let Jak have it..." I trailed off. Then I shook my head. "No, we bought flour and stuff today. We'll be fine, Drusus."

"I didn't expect you to believe me." Drusus put one hand under my chin. "But you gotta do what I tell you, okay?"

Listen to whatever it is whoever it is tells you, then get your magical brat over here. Pecker's words flew through my mind.

"Find Gyp-the-Blood and get some Nervate," said Drusus. "Then go to Onin-"

"Nervate?" I held his hand tighter and frowned. "We don't have that kind of money."

"And you don't got time to sell everything to make enough," he said, brushing dust from my hair. "You gotta do a trade with Gyp-the-Blood, kay?"

"Why? For Nervate? No, Drusus, I'm not dying." I began to feel a little angry.

He shut his eyes. "Yes, love, you are. You know you are. You can feel it. Please, Nervate's the best way to-"

"What about Jak?!" I let go of his hand and gripped his shoulders. "I'm not leaving him! I can't!"

Drusus took my hands delicately. "That's what the protectors are for. They're gonna look after him when... when you gotta go. See?"

"They?!"

"Jak's got fate," he said. "I'm not allowed to tell you about it now, really. You'll know, though. He's got the good fate. He's gonna do great things, Cilley. You've done just about all you can for him. He's got your love in him now and that's gonna carry him through everything in the world, and then some." His face blurred a little. "Cilley, love, you been crying too much for a year. It's time to stop." He wiped my face with his thumbs. "Please stop, Cilley love. I know it hurts and it's scary, but you got to be strong. For Jak."

I couldn't say anything, just nodded dumbly and pressed my lips together.

"You gonna make a trade with Gyp-the-Blood. You know that red sponge cake you locked up?" I nodded. "You're the last one in Haven who knows how to make it. Trade it for Nervate."

"Where do I-"

"The protectors are gonna take good care of Jak," Drusus started to stand.

"Are you leav-"

He held out his hand and pulled me up. "You only gonna meet one of them, but trust me, he'll deliver Jak and Jak's got his good fate to carry out." He kissed me. "I love you, Cilley. Listen to what I say, now, kay? Don't forget to see Onin after you get the Nervate."

"Are you leaving me now?" I whispered. I folded my hands together and leaned into him.

Drusus made a pained face. "No, Cilley love, you're leaving me."

I swallowed and he tried to smile. The blackness rushed toward us, and before it shattered our embrace, I felt his lips against my ear. I love you, Cilley love, don't cry Cilley love...



Cold water. I shivered and opened my eyes. The sun and the house and the walls and a little blur of blue shocked me upright. I rubbed my eyes and tried to think why I was outside. Jak glanced at me and went back to dumping water on a bonfire. I pulled my legs up under my chin. Jak put the bucket down and laid my sewn skirt over the rotten one. He saw me shivering and touched my forehead. My teeth clattered. I felt empty inside and cold on the outside. I couldn't remember what had happened.

Jak picked up the pot and dumped the dirty yellow water over the remains of the fire. He put one hand on his hips and wagged his finger at me, scolding me for falling asleep next to the fire. I blinked, faintly thinking that at one time I had been the one wagging the finger.

He ran into the house and came back out with the mantle. He plopped down next to me and covered us both, then hugged me. His eyes darted back and forth, and he pulled a jar of jelly out from under the mantle. Eventually my shivering stopped. As I warmed, I remembered.

Drusus

"Jak?" My voice cracked. He looked up at me, his smile purple and sugary. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Want to know what daddy's last words were?"

He shrugged and tried to wink at me.

"'I won.'"