I woke up from another nightmare, which was something to be expected now that I wasn't sleeping in Peeta's arms. I didn't scream out loud this time, which was lucky, because I didn't want to wake my mother up. I was breathing heavily and covered in uncomfortable cold sweat. Kicking the hot blankets to the side, I swung my legs out of the bed and gently stood on the floor, losing my balance again for a moment and falling back onto the bed with a thud. I lay there for a moment, wondering what was wrong with me. I had to concentrate on my breathing, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. After a few minutes, I felt better.
Now that I was focused slightly better, I could hear a voice in the other room. It was muffled, but I was sure it was my mother's. I wondered what time it was and saw that it was still before dawn. I didn't want to walk out looking a mess and worry my mother, but I didn't feel like going back to bed. I'd only had a few hours sleep and with my interview with Caesar today, I knew that this was a bad decision. But I didn't have Peeta around to convince me to do the right thing, so I took the reckless option. I sat on my bed, wondering what to do, trying not to eavesdrop on my mother's conversation.
Through no fault of my own, her voice seemed to become clearer the less I wanted to hear it, until I found myself listening to what she was saying. "I've never seen her like this." Assuming she was talking about me, I wondered if my mother meant this is a positive or negative way. "When her father died, she pushed me so far away; I didn't even feel like her mother anymore." I tensed up at the mention of my father and my shameful previous actions towards my mother. I was old enough now to know that I was only acting out of anger and sadness. It was my way of dealing with things.
In a way, I didn't regret my actions. They brought me to where I was today. If I hadn't've behaved that way, myself and my mother wouldn't be here today. My only regret was Prim. If I could've done something to save her, I would've. But I couldn't. That helplessness was something I never wanted to feel again. "Sometimes I'd see her look at me, as if to say, 'You don't know me and you never will.'" My mother spoke quietly down the phone, the hurt evident in her voice. Memories of my younger self isolating my mother back in our cottage in District 12 washed over me.
"But I do know her." My mother sighed, choking back tears. "And I know that she has so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it all out; showing her cards, scares her to death." The accuracy of my mother's statement shocked me into an epiphany. I was scared of my own feelings for Peeta, because those feelings were love. I loved Peeta. I had said it before, told him, but only because I thought it. I had never felt it. But now I realized it, and my chest felt heavier. For the first time, I wondered who my mother was speaking to. As if she could hear my thoughts, my mother answered my question. "Thank you, Dr. Aurelius."
Of course, my mother would always be looking out for me like this. She was talking to my doctor because she was worried about me. I heard the receiver click dead and my mother burst into quiet tears. Getting up from my bed, I opened the door, but she didn't look up. She was leant on her arm, crying against the table. I walked over to her and rubbed her back in comfort. She didn't respond physically, but after a few moments she whispered a thank you through her tears.
I sat with her for hours, until the sun came up over the horizon and the gentle bubble of chatter flowed out on to the streets as people of the Capitol went about their daily business. I did not cry, because I was stronger now. I knew what I had to do. When my mother finally pulled herself together, she said nothing of the event and neither did I. In many ways, I was like her. Physically, I was unfortunate enough to take my father's side, with Prim inheriting my mother's beauty. But emotionally, we were very similar, and both quite happy to ignore this moment of weakness and act as if it had never happened.
During the day my mother got a call from Caesar himself, asking to postpone the interview until next week. I was fine with this change, as it gave me more time to prepare myself, although all I would really do was dread it. I got so nervous about speaking in public. That was something Peeta was much better at. The week passed much faster than I wanted, but I knew that time waited for no-one. Time was a constant. It kept going, no matter if you were going through a good time or a bad time. Time was the one thing I could rely on, forever.
Before I knew it, it was the night of my interview. My mother braided my hair in its formal style, which was very intricate work. I remembered even Cinna had trouble recapturing it, but the thought of him now brought me pain, so I pushed it from my head. Before I knew it, I was backstage with my mother and I could hear the crowd shouting and screaming in excitement as Caesar warmed them up. The other side of backstage was blocked off, which was different and I couldn't help but wonder why. It had been so long since I'd been here, so I didn't think anything of it.
"Please welcome, Katniss Everdeen!" I heard Caesar shout, grasping me from my train of thought. As I walked out on to the stage the headlights blinded me, their searing heat seeping into my skin. I couldn't see Caesar very well at all, just his outline, which I blindly stumbled towards, whilst the crowd were chanting my name. Caesar pulled me in for a hug which I hesitantly reciprocated before sitting down on the sofa opposite him. I had no prep team or Haymitch now, it was time to be myself.
"It's so lovely to see you." Caesar said with a smile and I noticed he had changed his appearance once again. He was still recognisable, but he had dyed his hair seaweed green and was wearing aquatic style make-up. "Likewise." I said with a smile. "So, how have you been?" I momentarily thought about letting him in on the truth. About the months I simply sat in my chair, not moving at all. The nights I'd spend waking up from nightmares screaming, longing for Peeta's arms around me. The feelings I felt consuming me, eating away at me until I wasn't sure who I was. But that was all in the past now, and I had to be strong. After all, I was the Mockingjay and there was no way the Capitol citizens could ever understand me.
"I've been wonderful, thank you Caesar." I said sweetly, which seemed to satisfy him. When asked what I had been up to, I made-up some trivial tasks around the village that everyone would believe. We hovered along small talk for a while, but this seemed to please everyone. Surely this couldn't be the whole reason I was dragged all the way to the Capitol as a high priority mission? Maybe they really had just wanted to make sure I was okay. And for once, I was putting on a good show. I was just wishing Peeta was here to experience it with me.
I had rung his house every day since being here, but lately he hadn't been answered. I figured he was simply asleep or busy when I called, but he never called back. That hurt me a lot, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I went home to him, so I tried to block out my paranoid feelings.
"Now Katniss, we have somewhat of a surprise for you..." Caesar teased, his voice lingering. "Oh, yes?" I asked, my eyebrows raised, playing along whilst being genuinely interested to see what he had to reveal. At that moment, the audience cheered out in a deafening roar, making me jump. Caesar was looking past me and I turned around to see Peeta walking out on to the stage. "Peeta!" I screamed in surprise. I forgot about everyone else who was watching and leapt up from the couch, running towards him in the most unelegant way possible.
His arms were out to embrace me and I jumped the last foot or so between us, landing in his arms. I felt his arms flex against my legs as he held me up and kissed me. My hand brushed down the side of his face as our lips met and I immediately felt the warmth in my body only he could bring. He smiled at me and somewhere in the distance I could hear the crowd fawning in joy. Slowly, Peeta set me down on my feet and took my hand in his. I curled his fingers in mine and squeezed them tightly. I felt him squeeze back, then lead me back over to the couch, where he sat down first and pulled me down gently into his side, putting his arm around me. I heard a few more "aww's" from the crowd and I looked at them for the first time, smiling around at them. Everybody looked so happy. Even my mother was smiling, backstage. I wondered if she had been in on this surprise.
"Well, that was some entrance." Caesar commented and the crowd cheered in agreement. Peeta gave an adorable laugh before replying, "Thank you Caesar, it's wonderful seeing you again." I knew the Capitol were just as captivated by Peeta's beauty as I was and as insane as it sounded, it made me feel jealous and protective. He was mine. I found myself thinking back to wait Peeta and I had made love and suddenly I couldn't wait to get out of this interview. I didn't speak much anymore, just listened to Peeta forming perfect words, getting lost in his deep voice. I felt like an honoured member of the audience. Peeta worked the crowd and they all fell in love with him all over again. Fell in love with us.
"Katniss?" Peeta said, turning to face me. "Yes, Peeta?" I replied, feeling him pull his arm from around me. I immediately missed it, but he cupped my face with his hand and I was comforted by this instead. "I love you." He said, his shimmering cerulean eyes staring straight into my dull grey ones. I expected the crowd to go wild, but they remained silent, waiting on tenderhooks to hear my response. I realized I had never publicly declared my love for Peeta, and this was my chance to prove everything to him. Rubbing his hand on my face with my fingertips, I told him, "I love you too."
Peeta's face broke out into an ecstatic beam. I don't think I'd ever seen him happier. We both leaned forward and kissed and I heard the end of interview music playing as we broke away from the kiss. Me and Peeta rose from the couch, waving to the crowd and leaving the stage, saying our goodbyes to Caesar. I couldn't wait to get Peeta away from the public eye, because right now, I wanted him so much.
