Chapter 11: Sleeping is Like an Unwelcome Guest
"Brian," Justin said to the dreaming man next to him.
"What?" Brian groggily replied as he rubbed his eyes and looked down at where Justin was.
He took a double take, Justin was near his hip, and his arm was slung across his mid-section in a protective manner. That was not new though, ever since he got back from the hospital 6 days ago, Justin had been sleeping like that, holding him because he couldn't sleep lying straight. What had caused the double take, was the tears in Justin's eyes, Justin never really cried.
"I'm not some little faggot that just cries," Brian heard echoing throughout his head from many years ago.
"What's wrong Sunshine?" Brian asked as he rubbed Justin's back it was all he could do in this position and that seemed fine with Justin.
"Making sure you were really here," Justin muttered because the nightmare had seemed so real. It was the same one from when he woke up in the hospital.
"I'm really here, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall asleep in a second again because of the meds but," Brian pulled Justin up next to him, where he was propped. "While I'm conscious enough to talk or form coherent sentences I can tell you that I'm here."
"I know," Justin choked out through his tears. He felt Brian's shirt against him, he slid his hand to Brian's shoulder, reassuring him.
Brian kept looking in his blue eyes that where red rimmed, and his hazel eyes kept that stare. He was breathing; he was there right next to him, not disappearing in front of his eyes. He was not dripping with blood in fact he was very clean from Justin helping him in the shower, that had been fun but Brian was still a little touchy about his scar. It was weird to see him so modest, right now, though he had an arm around him, he was also rubbing his back. Justin grabbed Brian's left hand to his right; he just wanted to see how their hands could fit together like every part of them.
"I'm right here Sunshine," Brain's groggily reassured normally he would be saying something like 'Don't think about it' but right now. "What are you doing with my hand Sunshine?"
"Seeing if you fit into my hand," Justin overly romanticized said to his fading boyfriend who was clearly too drugged to understand. His response to his statement was proof enough that he was too drugged to understand the underlying meaning.
"How can I fit into you hand, I'm like 6 feet tall and your hand is not even a foot," Brian tried to clarify which only got Justin to chuckle.
"It's okay it overly romanticized anyway, it would break you if you understood," Justin mumbled once Brian had started to fall asleep on him.
Justin shifted so he could hold Brian though, Brian did lean on him when he shifted it was still sweet and overly romantic for Brian. Good thing he was asleep, sure, Brian was still the same man who didn't want to be married but he would have done it for him. Here he was drugged and still understood that Justin had wanted comfort, another thing that was funny about Brian being on medication was that he understood things like that. It was strange because when he was normally high he tried acrobats, dancing, sex like an animal, Some of the things he would never do were drunk dialing he would turn off his phone, he wouldn't snore mainly because of the position he was sleeping in and he never really cried when he was drugged.
Justin stayed up for an hour, holding Brian by his middle, and liking the fact that Brian was sleeping in his arms. Justin reflected back to his dream it handed changed a little, Brian had been covered with blood, and disappearing but this time, he was turning blue because he couldn't breathe.
Brian had been dancing with him, it was the prom they where in their tuxedos and dancing. He couldn't hear the song because he was too happy, then suddenly a small gash appeared on his forehead where Brian had had stitches. Justin was still trying to grab him out of thin air but the thing was that when he saw Brian it was weird he was standing, he was in the same tuxedo all the blood gone. He had rejoiced because he had come back, and when he grabbed him and stopped the panic attack, he even smiled at him. Brian was talking to him and then in mid-sentence he had just stopped, and that same panicked look like when he saw that he couldn't breathe. It had gotten worse and when Brian had died, he was woken up to Brian in front of him.
"I love you," Justin kissed to Brian's head.
"I love you, too," Brian mummer through his sleep.
&^&^& Morning
Brian was changing his the gauze over his stitches and fixing the tape down, when he felt eyes stare at him, he looked to the side and there was Justin standing in the doorway of the bathroom. This has got to stop it's like he's dog, and I'm the steak.
"Justin what are you doing?" Brian asked as he thought about the scenario of the lost puppy again.
"Nothing," Justin quirked as he continued to stand in the doorway of the bathroom a few minutes ago he had looked up from his drawing of the next Rage issue to see that Brian had disappeared from where he had been sitting next to him.
"Uh-huh, do you suppose I could have gotten away with that answer yesterday if I hadn't told you how I was feeling?" Brian rhetorically asked of his boyfriend, "I didn't think so," Brian smirked as he grabbed Justin by the wrist and brought him out of the doorway.
"Fine," Justin conceded he looked at the shirt Brian had put on not at Brian's face. "I just don't like you disappearing in my head or around here…"
"Huh... what do you mean in your head," Brian wondered.
"Just the nightmare," Justin shouted as he got up from the bed and rubbed his head he walked around the bed he was frustrated from this fear of no longer seeing Brian ever.
"The one where I disappear," Brian asked. He remembered that Justin had told him his fears and about his nightmare of Brian going away forever.
"Yes but last night you were…"
"Last night?" Brian asked because he didn't remember waking up last night, in fact he didn't remember much since he had started Oxycontin.
"Yeah the dream changed it went from you disappearing while covered in blood to dyeing in my arms. It was just so real, I woke up crying and you were still here." Justin dropped his anger when he looked at Brian standing next to him when he turned around.
"I'm not dying in your arms I can't promise you I wont die because I will eventually but I can promise you that I will be right here if you need me," Brian reassured his boyfriend who was currently pacing it felt like that was all he could say.
He pulled him close and they sat on the bed as Justin started crying on his shirt he didn't mind it was okay for Justin to be scared. He wasn't so traumatized because Justin had been awake when he was in the ambulance but to know that your lover was stuck in limbo when he couldn't breathe was something he knew about. Justin was in a coma for a while after the bashing and for a week he couldn't breathe on his own that had scared him shitless. He kept that silent vigil for months when Justin was in the hospital.
"I don't want you to go," Justin choked out from sobs his emotions were like a roller coaster.
"I'm not going anywhere but you have to know that eventually I have to go to work, or go to I don't know sometimes I have to go places that you can't like I'm pretty sure you don't want to go everywhere I go." Brian tried to emphasize but he was floundering because Justin held tighter to him which hurt to say the least.
"Ow ow okay let go because it's hard to breathe," Brian grimaced and felt Justin relinquish him.
"Sorry," Justin apologized he truly was sorry he didn't want to cause Brian pain.
"It's okay just Justin remember ribs cracked," Brian cleared his throat and stroked Justin's still crying face.
"Sorry," Justin apologized.
"Hey look at me," Brian demanded to which Justin looked up into Brian's face. "I know you're scared I am too it's just that when I was scared of loosing you I…." this was going to be hard to explain. He weighed the option of not coming clean and admitting to his vigil or not so he decided it was best to tell him. "I stood over you're bed for all those months because I was scared I might loose you I didn't want to loose you. I stood vigil after the bashing the whole time it's okay to be scared it's not okay to let it swallow you," Brian admitted.
Justin looked confused for a second until it dawned on him what Brian had meant. He felt angry for a second because Brian had kept that from him but then he saw Brian had that look on his face that said what it had cost him to admit that. He looked closer to see Brian, really see him, his anger dissipated replaced by love for this man who had always loved him ever since he stood under that lamp. He felt breath on his face when he realized how close Brian was from him and felt his fears return but he squashed them down when he looked up to see those hazel eyes always speaking nothing but the truth towards him.
"Why can't we just have normal lives," Justin spoke aloud without realizing what he was asking.
"Because normal is boring," Brian responded and grabbed Justin hands in his. He walked Justin to the living room and went to a box he had slightly forgotten about, but in truth always knew what was inside of it.
"What are you doing?" Justin asked as he was lead to the bookshelf and saw the box that held a smaller black box inside.
"You said why can't we have normal lives Justin," Brian spoke as he grabbed the small carved box from the shelf and walked to the couch, not sure what would happen. "I was okay with normal if it was you, I wanted normal but only our version of normal and I think the universe is telling me too do this because God sure aint." Brian stated as he pulled the smaller jeweler box out of the carved one. "Listen we don't have to get married but let me use these rings for something else okay We were going to promise marriage to each other with these rings but that isn't us there are no locks on our doors. Are you okay with me using these for a different promise," Brian asked and Justin nodded because he was clueless.
"Okay," Justin slowly said because he knew Brian kept the rings he just didn't know where this was going.
"I promise to stay with you if you promise to stay with me," Brian held the box open to Justin and made Justin smile at him a weak smile but it was genuine. "This is me saying that I want you around for a very long time and also ensuring that I stay around for a very long time with you." He took the ring that was Justin's size and slipped it onto Justin's slender finger.
Justin finally being clued in understood Brian was getting rid of his fear in his boyfriends owns way and Brian was making it so that he could have that happiness that he wanted.
"I promise to stay with you if you promise to stay with me because I want you around for a long time," Justin repeated as he slipped the ring onto Brian's finger. Justin for the first time felt like he was just there and that Brian was going to stay and more than anything that he had regretted not staying in the Pits with Brian.
"I wished you would have stayed with me too," Brian confessed because he knew Justin felt the same way. Who's idea had it been to sacrifice their love for a future, he thought for a second and then realized it had been him. "I know we talked about this earlier but I did regret you going to New York."
"I regretted it too," Justin added and then without really thinking about the fact that Brian had just warned him grabbed Brian.
Brian felt the impact but didn't care it was worth the pain because Justin had admitted to him that he missed him. They had never done that even when he went to LA or when Justin had gone somewhere and he missed him like crazy, they had never admitted that or when Brian had gone away on business.
"Please can we just forget about today and only remember this part," Justin pretty much begged.
"Only if you admitted that if you feel like I will go from you that you will remember that I promised you I wouldn't leave."
Thanks for you're time, I was wondering should I end it here or should I make it more into the visiting of NY and the whole recovery process? Respond because I stopped here on my Word but I don't know if you want the other ideas I have Respond please!
