Dear Journal,

It's around noon on a Sunday morning. Usually, I'd be at the recording studio or something related to my singing. Right now, I'm just sitting outside on the back porch, swinging on the big porch swing out here.

Speid keeps ignoring every comment I had related to our conversation the other night. He dodges it every time I bring it up. I think I know what he was going to say. I don't understand why he just doesn't come out and say what I think he was going to say.

Then again, with a kid on the way, I can't really get involved in a relationship right now... I don't need to mess my kids up any more than what they're already messed up.

But I want someone to take me in their arms and tell me that they love me. I don't see why I can't have that. Just because I messed up once, wanting someone to love me, does that mean that I can't take a chance with someone else? If Speid's the next one to fill the void in my heart, I'm willing to take that chance... And if he's not, then I'd like to say that I put my best foot forward and tried.

Since we moved into the new house last week, I've been constantly playing house. I'm the Mommy, Speid's the Daddy, and we have two beautiful, wonderful kids and another on the way. We sleep next to each other in the bed at night. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have him take me in his arms... to hold me, to kiss away all of the pain that I've endured over the last two years. But I can't just jump into a relationship. No matter how bad I want to. I've got others to think about... not just myself.

I'm sick of being used. Tommy used me. Speid hasn't. Oh shit... here he comes. He's in the kitchen. He walks out and sits on the deck chair.

"Zach is down for his nap. Katie is eating lunch," he says, looking up at me before biting into his bacon and egg sandwich. "Are you hungry?"

"No," I say, shaking my head and leaning back down to write.

"You've been writing in that thing a lot lately. Are you okay?" he asks.

"Peachy," I say. My face doesn't suggest peachy, however.

"I don't think so. Something's really bothering you," he says.

I pause and look up. "Gee, I wonder what that could be?" I ask sarcastically.

"Jude..." he says, looking at me and sighing.

"You know, don't answer that," I say. "I don't need to know what's going on with you or what you were going to say the other night. I had an idea and now I guess I realize that that's not really what was going on. I guess I was feeling something that was entirely unrequited," I snap, getting up.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, looking utterly bewildered.

"It's not important!" I snap back again.

"Jude, calm down," Speid says, eyeing my belly warily. "You don't want to go into pre-term labor again..."

"Why do you care?" I ask, starting to get upset. I can feel my eyes starting to tear up. "You've never once considered that my feelings might be put in jeopardy by this living arrangement. You never considered the fact that I have a broken heart I'm mending and I need someone to look to to help me heal it. You never thought that that person could be you."

Speid's eyes suddenly open wide in understanding.

"You thought I was going to tell you that I loved you," he said softly.

"Yeah, well, you kind of made it look like that..." I said. "I hoped."

"You wanted me to tell you I loved you?" he asked, softly.

"I thought we had a connection," I said, feeling foolish.

"We do. We're the parents of two amazing kids... and another one soon to be here. But I never once considered a romantic relationship between the two of us. It's a possibility I never considered."

"Wait... a possibility?" I ask, squinching my eyebrows in thought.

He leans forward and takes my hand in his. He sits down beside me and kisses me, sending chills down my spine. This didn't happen when we had dated when we were kids... this was something else. The baby sent a hard kick to my abdominal wall and Speid placed his hands on my belly, continuing to kiss me. We separated and my eyes opened wide.

"Did you feel that?" I asked him, breathlessly.

His astonishment was apparent in his answer.

"Wow."

I leaned over and peered in the door and saw Katie snoozing on the couch.

"Come here," I said, taking Speid's hand in mine and heading upstairs to our bedroom.

He shut the door behind us and started kissing me again and we headed toward the bed. He straddled me and we continued our heavy make-out session. I reached for the bottom of his shirt and he stopped me.

"Jude, we can't," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"You're seven months pregnant. You're in your third trimester. I can't risk you going into labor early or hurting the baby or something..."

I sigh in frustration. "You're not going to hurt the baby. It's fine."

"No. It's not fine. I'm sorry..." he says, getting off of me and rolling to the side. "I want to, but I just... can't."

"This is insane," I say.

"Katie's downstairs and Zach's next door. What happens if they walk in on us?" he suggests. "I don't have an answer for why I'm on top of Mommy."

"Speid," I groan.

The tension between us is undeniable. I want him so bad right now, it hurts. And I know that this time, I can't get pregnant... I'm ALREADY pregnant. How much better could the situation get?

He kisses me one last time and gets off of the bed and goes downstairs, leaving me hopelessly turned on and lonely.

Sometimes, I hate being pregnant.

xXxJudexXx


Please read and review. So many people are reading and not reviewing! It makes me slightly upset... :(

Love you guys!

Leanne