Things for the Captain did seem to get better after that. She was able to pull herself together a little bit more. She forced herself to eat at least two meals a day and started sleeping in her own quarters again. She still slept only a few hours a night, but instead of doing work in the middle of the night, as she had been, she would take walks through the ship instead.
She spent more time with Chakotay, which pleased him, and her life fell into a routine. She hoped that eventually the goal of getting her crew home would be enough for her, as it had been before.
The infrequent times when she saw Addison, they would stop and converse a little bit. Mostly they just exchanged pleasantries, never anything serious, but Janeway savored the moments without letting herself become obsessed by them.
It still worried her to see Addison with Ensign Meru. She didn't trust the man and worried constantly that Addison was going to get hurt again.
From what she had heard, though, Addison was happy with the man. Tuvok was keeping a close eye on the situation, monitoring Addison for any signs of abuse. They weren't willing to accept Meru's new behavior until he proved himself.
Addison knew they were being watched, but didn't let it bother her. In fact, she didn't let much bother her anymore. She had let her life develop into a dullness that never seemed to change. She went to work, had dinner with Timmy, went to bed - fighting off her dreams by never letting herself sleep too long.
Before long, Timmy got sick of the lack of sex and attempted to push her further. She resisted for as long as she could until she realized that it was inevitable. She still didn't mind his touching and figured the rest couldn't be worse.
She couldn't have been more wrong.
One evening, they went back to his quarters for a drink and he became more aggressive in his touching while they sat on the couch. He eventually unzipped his pants, his intent obvious. Addison had sighed and then bent over, taking Timmy into her mouth. She had forgotten the smell of him and was instantly repulsed. But, he already had his hand on her head, holding her down, so she forced back her gag reflex and continued.
Before she got too far, he stopped her and started to undo her shirt. He pulled it off and fondled her breasts before taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom. He quickly stripped off his own clothes and came back to kiss her, surprisingly gentle considering how he usually liked to have sex.
He got her on the bed and pulled off her pants, actually spending some time focusing on her body. It didn't turn her on.
It was when he tried to enter her that she reacted. She had thought that being with the Captain had helped her get over her revulsion to sex. She realized now that it had only made it worse. Before, she could force herself to believe that she was somewhere else. That it didn't matter what was happening to her.
Now, though, she was entirely present. And she hated it.
Timmy's weight on her made her claustrophobic and she tried to push away. He didn't notice at first, so she pushed harder. He must have thought that she was playing, because his hands pressed down on her arms and held her there.
She panicked then and flailed at him until he realized she was actually trying to get away. He rolled off her.
"Addison, what are you doing? You're being crazy!"
Addison didn't respond and hopped off the bed, trying to control her breathing. She hastily grabbed clothes off the ground and pulled them on at the same time she rushed out the door.
She ran down the hallway, not thinking about where she was going. Her breathing became more erratic and she knew a panic attack was setting in. People gave her strange looks as she passed and finally she took refuge in an empty alcove off one of the side corridors.
She slid down the wall, gasping. Instinctually, she called for the one person she could trust.
She tapped her commbadge, "Blake to Janeway."
Janeway was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling when her commbadge chirped and she heard Addison's voice come through.
"Yes, Ensign."
"I..I'm not feeling well. I need you."
Janeway sat up, "Addison, what's wrong? Where are you?" She could hear Addison's heavy breathing and that she was struggling to speak.
"I don't know. Deck four, maybe?" She couldn't think clearly enough to figure out where she had gotten herself to.
Janeway had already left her quarters and was heading to deck four. She tapped her commbadge, "Computer, locate Ensign Blake."
"Ensign Blake is located in corridor five, section 12 of deck four."
Deck four was only one deck away from Janeway's quarters and it took her less than two minutes to find the junction where Addison was supposed to be. She stopped in the middle of the corridor, finding it empty. She paused and listened; only hearing Addison's breathing after she had stopped moving.
Peering around the corner, she found Addison sitting on the floor, obviously having a panic attack.
Addison's hair was disheveled and her t-shirt was on backwards. Janeway noticed bruises on her arms and almost lost it.
"What did he do to you? Addison, what happened? I'm going to kill him."
Between breathes, Addison said, "No, Captain. It's not like that. Please."
Janeway put aside her anger and tried to focus on Addison.
"Hey, we've been through this before. Remember? Twice, actually. Is this worse than either of those moments?"
Addison shook her head, "No, this isn't worse."
She snuggled in closer to the Captain, her anxiety already receding. Janeway put her arm around Addison, savoring the feeling of being next to her again.
"Tell me what happened."
Addison started to speak, but two crewmembers walked by then and Addison went quiet so they wouldn't be noticed.
When they had passed, Janeway said, "Computer, initiate site-to-site transport – Ensign Blake and Captain Janeway to the captain's quarters."
They materialized in her main cabin and Janeway helped Addison move over to the couch. Janeway sat down first and pulled Addison down so that she was nestled between her legs, with her back against Janeway's chest. Kathryn felt at home.
"Explain to me why you have bruises on your arms."
"It wasn't Timmy's fault. We hadn't slept together since I got back. And tonight, I just freaked out."
"Freaked out?" It wasn't a term one heard often in Starfleet.
"I thought, after everything we had gone through, I would be okay. I thought you had made me better. I don't know what happened."
"And the bruises?" Janeway had to make sure that he hadn't hurt her.
"Captain, I gave you plenty of bruises when we slept together."
Janeway blushed, remembering.
"I just need to make sure he wasn't trying to hurt you."
"No, he wasn't."
"What are you going to do?"
Addison didn't know. She couldn't avoid sleeping with Timmy forever.
"I guess I'll figure it out. But, can I stay here a little bit longer?"
"Of course."
"Thank you for coming to me tonight, Captain. I'm sorry to be trouble. I probably could have handled it on my own."
"Shh, Addison. You never have to apologize about asking for help."
"He called me crazy. Do you think I'm crazy? I feel like it, sometimes."
"We're all crazy, Addison. You no more than anyone of us."
They sat like that for a while longer, Addison leaning her head back against Janeway's shoulder and Kathryn breathing in the scent of Addison's hair.
Finally, Addison got up, "I should get back to my quarters before somebody looks for me and realizes I'm here."
She walked to the door and turned back to the Captain, who was still sitting on the couch.
"I miss you." She walked out the door quickly, not giving Janeway time to respond.
Timmy was waiting for Addison in the mess hall, the next evening. They hadn't spoken since she had rushed out of his quarters and she had spent the entire day at work thinking about what to say to him.
She sat down at the table, not able to meet his eyes when he looked at her.
"What the hell happened last night, Addison? You can't just run out on me like that and expect me not to worry."
"You're right, Timmy. I'm sorry. I just panicked and didn't know what to do."
She didn't elaborate and Timmy got more exasperated.
"Addison! Are you going to explain?"
She hesitated, nervous now that she was in front of him. She had decided to try to explain to him why she reacted the way she did, to tell him the truth. But now she didn't know where to begin.
She looked away from him, unable to meet his yes.
"There's something I've never told you."
"What?" His voice was still harsh, still showing his frustration at her.
"Um, it's just that I reacted the way I did last night because I was remembering something from my past."
"Get to the point, Addison."
"I was raped. And last night, I panicked because it reminded me of that." She still didn't look at him.
"Raped by who? Why did you never tell me? We've had sex before. Why was this time so different?"
He was firing questions at her and she became flustered. She didn't know what to respond to first.
"T-Timmy, I'm sorry. I d-don't know. I think after so much time away, I had time to think about it. I'm sure I can get better."
"Well, I hope so. It wouldn't be much of a relationship if we couldn't have sex."
"I just need to go slowly. It'll get better with time." Addison thought that if she said it, it would be true.
"Fine. But you have to promise that you won't ever leave like that again."
"I promise." She would have said anything to make this conversation be over.
"Lieutenant Paris, evasive pattern Delta! Tuvok, target their weapons and propulsion systems," Janeway ordered her crew.
Voyager streaked through space, hounded by an armada of small ships. They were quick and agile and darted in and out of Voyager's offensive range.
It had been like this for days, with Voyager being pecked away at. Usually, it was only two to three ships at a time. Individually, none of the incidents would have challenged Voyager. But the crew didn't have time to repair what little damage was done before the next attack came.
Now, it seemed this was the final assault, with all the ships coming at them at once.
Tuvok disabled three of the ships with a few shots and those slunk away, but the rest of the ships kept coming.
Between taking shots, Tuvok turned to Janeway and said, "Captain, they are overpowering our defenses. We cannot hold out any longer. I suggest we deploy the new photon torpedos."
When the attacks first began, Janeway and the senior staff had explored possible alternative strategies. Based on the configurations of the ships, Torres had come up with an idea involving the modification of their torpedos. Theoretically, one spread would take out the entire attacking force. The downside was that the ships wouldn't just be disabled, they would be destroyed.
Janeway had hoped to find an alternative solution. The new torpedoes had only been finished yesterday and they hadn't had time to test them.
She gestured to Ensign Kim, "Open a channel, Harry."
"Enemy ships, this is Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager. Please cease your attacks now or we will be forced to take extreme measures."
"No response, Captain."
Janeway didn't acknowledge Kim's statement and when the ship rocked underneath her feet, she made her decision.
"Tuvok, fire the new torpedoes, standard spread."
They all watched the view screen as bursts of light rocketed out from the ship and spread apart, interspersing between the small vessels. A second later, they exploded and the waves of energy catapulted the ships away from Voyager.
Nothing happened for a few more moments but then each ship stopped moving, dead in space. A wave of energy seemed to flow through each hull and the Voyager crew was momentarily blinded when everything exploded in front of them. When the sparks died down, nothing was left.
A cheer went up from the bridge crew, everybody so weary from the never ending battles that they couldn't hold back their relief that it was over.
Janeway looked around sharply and said, "We should never celebrate taking the lives of others."
She walked to her ready room, abrupt silence from her crew following her. She let her body slump as soon as the doors closed behind her. She was exhausted and her nerves were frayed. She had only slept a few hours since the attacks began and knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now, either. She never could after she had killed others.
After an hour of trying to focus on reports, she gave up and went back to the bridge. Chakotay was there and the rest of the bridge crew kept their eyes off of Janeway as she walked through.
"Chakotay, you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters." She felt a little bit guilty at snapping at everyone earlier, but didn't have the energy to soften her face to acknowledge to her crew that she was proud of them.
She got in the turbolift and started to say "deck three" for her quarters, but she realized that she didn't want to be alone.
Instead, she said, "Computer, locate Ensign Blake."
"Ensign Blake is on deck twelve, section five, Jefferies tube eighteen."
"Computer, deck twelve."
All the way to Jefferies tube eighteen, Janeway thought about how going to Addison was a bad idea. She couldn't seem to stop herself, though.
She crawled her way through the maze until she reached the junction that linked her to where Addison was. She opened the portal and peered down the shaft.
Addison was at the end, working on a gel pack. She turned when she heard the doors open.
"Captain? Is there something you need?"
"No, not really, Ensign." Now that she was here, she didn't know what she was expecting.
Addison cocked her head at the Captain, waiting for Janeway to say something further. When nothing happened, she crawled down the tube and pulled herself out into the larger space.
They stood awkwardly for a moment and finally Addison spoke, "I heard the torpedoes worked."
"Yes, we destroyed the ships. All of them."
"Congratulations, Captain"
The statement raised Janeway's ire right away. It annoyed her that everybody was happy about the destruction. And it annoyed her that Addison was congratulating her as if Addison hadn't had any investment in the outcome.
She was sorry she had come here. She turned to leave but Addison reached out and pulled her back.
"Is that all you wanted? Why did you come here?"
Janeway knew she had anger on her face when she turned back to Addison, but couldn't help herself, "Nothing. As I should have expected."
"Why are you angry?" Addison didn't look confused. Instead, she was staring Janeway in the eye, almost challenging her.
"You think it's a good thing that we just killed hundreds of people?"
"No, Captain. I don't think that. And you should know me and your crew well enough to know that none of us think that."
"You keep speaking as if you're not a part of the crew. You're acting as if the crew's actions only affect others and not you. You think you're separate from all of this."
"The crew's actions? Or your actions? What are you actually picking a fight about right now?"
"I'm not picking a fight. I am just appalled at everyone's crassness over the loss of life today."
Instead of responding right away, Addison grabbed Janeway's arms and pushed her back, so she was trapped against the wall. Janeway was too taken aback to react.
"Tell me what's really bothering you. Are you really mad that your crew was relieved that they weren't destroyed today? That we escaped yet another close call? That, even though we had to kill others, we are still alive? Or are you mad at yourself? For not being good enough to avoid the loss of life?"
Janeway flinched at her words and Addison knew she had hit the nail on the head.
"That's right, isn't it? You're used to winning. You're used to being the best. Out here, though, winning often means that somebody else loses. But you think that those rules shouldn't apply to you. What else could you have done, today? If you were good enough, you would have found a different way, a better way. Right? But you're not good enough, are you?"
"No! There was nothing else I could have done. I had to save the crew. I had no choice." Janeway pushed back against Addison's chest, but the woman didn't give.
"No choice? There's always a choice, Captain. You might as well just say it, you just aren't good enough."
Janeway felt rage at Addison's words bubbling over and this time she pushed harder, jerking Addison around so they had switched places.
"You're wrong. I made the best possible choice for this crew. I have to put their lives first. That's my job."
Addison didn't respond and wasn't surprised when Janeway pressed her lips against Addison's, tongue aggressively pushing into her mouth. Addison melted against her, giving into the kiss and returning it just as forcefully.
They pulled each other's uniform tops off and Addison unzipped the Captain's pants. Kathryn was hungrily kissing her way down Addison's neck when Addison entered the Captain with her fingers.
Kathryn came almost immediately. Her orgasm tore through her body, but when it was over her body still shook and Addison lifted Janeway's head off her shoulder, to find tears falling down her face. Addison lowered the Captain to the floor and they sat together, deep sobs racking Janeway's body.
Addison stayed quiet, rubbing Kathryn's back. Eventually, the crying slowed.
"I can't do this. I can't be strong all the time. You were right, I'm not good enough. If I were, what we just did never would have happened. It's my job to get this ship home and I can't even restrain myself from sleeping with a member of the crew. How can I be trusted with hundreds of lives?"
"Do you really believe that? Tell me you truly believe that there is somebody better qualified to lead this ship than you."
Janeway thought for a minute and then said, "No, I don't believe that."
"And so then you are good enough to be the Captain?"
Kathryn knew it was a rhetorical question so instead of answering, she pushed herself away from Addison and glared at the woman.
"You are way more manipulative than I could have imagined."
Addison smiled and said, "I do what I can, Captain."
Kathryn leaned forward and kissed Addison again, this time more gently. She pushed her back and ended up lying on top of her.
Addison stopped her, though, and said, "Kathryn, this probably isn't the best place for this."
Janeway sat up and for the first time acknowledged where they were and that they were both only half clothed. They both sat up and pulled their shirts and jackets back on.
"Kathryn, you can't control everything. You're going to be faced with an endless amount of impossible choices and not everything has a right answer. Nobody expects perfection from you. We only expect that you believe in yourself enough to be making what you think are the best decisions."
"And you think I'm making the wrong decision about this, what's going on between the two of us?"
"You know I'm not able to answer that impartially. But I do know that the crew suffers when you are miserable. Kathryn, part of your duty to this ship is making sure that you're not just physically able to lead, but also mentally healthy enough to lead."
Kathryn frowned, but didn't disagree.
"I know you're right. But it's not that clear cut. And you know that I can't choose between you and Voyager."
"I know that. I'm not asking you to. I would never ask you to. I'm only saying that there's the possibility you don't need to make that choice."
Addison stood up then and said, "I should get back to work. I'm sure the Captain wouldn't be pleased to know I was shirking my duties."
Janeway smiled and said, "No, she wouldn't. She'd have to put you on report." And then, "Thank you, Addison."
Addison shook her head, "You've done the same for me. More than once."
Three days later, Janeway once again found herself feeling overwhelmed and, once again, found herself searching out Addison. This time, Addison was in her quarters. As soon as the doors closed behind them, they were on top of each other. They didn't even make it to the bedroom. Instead, Kathryn cleared the coffee table with her arm and laid Addison down on it before taking her.
Afterwards, snuggled on the couch, Addison listened to Kathryn talk about what was bothering her and offered her advice. When Kathryn finally left, she felt a weight had been lifted.
It got to be a pattern, at first happening once or twice a week. Eventually, it got to be more frequent than that. Both women were very careful not to attract attention. They never spoke to each other outside of their trysts and they only met in places where others wouldn't find them.
They never spoke about where the relationship was taking them and Addison continued to see Ensign Meru. She still hadn't slept with him and he was getting increasingly frustrated, but was respecting her limits. Kathryn was still unhappy that Addison was continuing to date the man, but couldn't say anything as she felt too guilty that she couldn't offer Addison more than she was.
In reality, Kathryn couldn't find anything to fault Ensign Meru on. He had lived up to his word and had not let his temper get the better of him since his time in the brig. He was still a model crewmember and had only received high praise from his supervisors. Still, he rubbed Kathryn the wrong way and she struggled not to let her feelings show when she was near him.
She got the impression that he felt the same towards her, although he was unfailingly polite and respectful around her.
It wasn't until he caught Addison and Janeway that Kathryn truly found out what he thought about her.
The two women were in Addison's quarters. They had only been talking, lying on Addison's bed, but one thing had led to another and pretty soon Kathryn had Addison naked and was straddling her.
Neither of them heard the door beep and neither of them noticed that Timmy overrode the security lock to let himself in.
It took him a moment to comprehend what was happening and by the time he did, Addison had noticed him standing in the doorway to the bedroom. She pulled herself up quickly and Janeway turned to see what Addison was looking at.
As soon as Janeway turned, Timmy lost it.
"You bitch!" He strode towards the bed and took a swing at the Captain, catching her in the jaw and sending her flying.
He watched as Addison rushed off the bed, crouching down to help Janeway pull herself up.
"I should have known you were up to something!"
Janeway said, "Ensign Meru, calm down."
"No, Captain. I will not 'calm down'. What do you think, that I'm an idiot?"
He turned to glare at Addison, "And you, playing me like a fool. All this time, sneaking around with the Captain."
"Timmy, please. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."
Timmy ignored her and started to turn to the door but Janeway stopped him.
"Ensign, I am ordering you not to tell anybody about what happened here."
He laughed at that and looked back, "You really think I want people knowing my girlfriend is being fucked by the Captain when she won't even sleep with me?"
He laughed again and looked at Addison, "You're just as stupid as I thought. You think she actually cares about you? If she did, why hasn't she told the crew about the two of you? You're pathetic."
At that he strode out of the room. Addison turned and took the Captain's face in her hands.
"Are you okay? Do you need to see the Doctor?"
"I'm fine." But, she didn't feel fine. This was the worst-case scenario she had worried about. Who knew if Meru would heed her order not to tell anyone. On top of that, she had lost all credibility with the man. If she were in control, she should have sent him to the brig for assaulting her. But she clearly wasn't in control.
"Kathryn, somebody should look at that."
"Stop, Addison! That's the least of my concerns right now. I knew this was a bad idea. This is exactly why I shouldn't have allow this to happen. I can't believe I was so stupid to make this big of a mistake."
Addison took a step away from Kathryn, as if she had been hit. For a second, Kathryn regretted her words, but shook it off as she reminded herself what kind of trouble Meru could cause now.
"I have to go."
