Early update… I'm out of town all day tomorrow so I thought I post this today…
Oh and one of feared I was going to turn Christian into a completely different… don't worry, I like overprotective, megalomaniac Christian a lot …
And to all of you from the US: Happy 4th of July!
Ana - 8 weeks later
"Mom, I'm fine, I promise I'm good to return to work." I want to roll my eyes at her, but stop myself from doing so. I know she is just worried, but I'm ready to return to normal. Sadly, the magazine who wanted to hire me as an editor had to look for someone else, because they couldn't leave the position vacated until I am cleared to work again. However, since I never got the chance to quit my job at SIP, I still have a job and I really want to work again.
Yesterday my last cast has been removed and I was finally cleared to return to work on Monday. All of my injuries are healed, though I still have to watch my scar closely. It's healed, but with me being pregnant my Doctors are concerned that with my growing belly it might open again. So, I have to have regular check ups and was advised to see a doctor if it changes in color or causes me any discomfort. In addition Doctor Greene gave me an ointment that is supposed to help too.
Yesterday also marked a milestone in my pregnancy, as I am now officially in my second trimester. My belly has popped out a bit, but I can still hide it with my clothes and I hope that I can hide it a bit longer so I don't have to answer any questions about it for a while. Another huge change in my life is that Kate has moved in with Elliot and is now renting the apartment we shared to me and my new roommate... my mom.
I never thought I would live with my mother again, but she has filed for divorce and was in need of a new place to live. With me being pregnant she wanted to move to Seattle and now we split the rent between us and both try to adjust to sharing space when we really haven't lived together since I was fifteen. I have to say it's a bit weird, but I'm also very proud of my Mom, because she has managed to land herself a good job at a boutique not far from here.
"Sweetheart, I know you want to work again, but I'm just worried that you are going back too soon."
"Mom, I've been on sick leave for way too long, it's time to go back. Besides, with this little one here I need the money." I say and caress my tiny bump.
"Oh who's that?" My Mom says and this time I do roll my eyes. Ever since I am back home each morning either Sawyer or Taylor stop by with flowers or little presents Christian sends me. At first I was really annoyed, but with each passing day, I had more time to think and now I actually think it's sweet that he is giving me space. This is just his way of making sure that I won't forget about him.
Though to be honest he has been on my mind constantly. At first Kate, Elliot, Mia, and even Carrick tried to get me to talk to him, but I wouldn't budge or even listen to them. We reached an agreement not to talk about Christian anymore when I promised that eventually I would talk to him, I just wasn't ready yet. Still, I know that I can't keep him at a distance forever. After all I'm carrying his child and our baby has a right to have both of us in his life.
I open the door to find Taylor holding a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers.
"Hi Taylor, come in... fancy a coffee?"
"That would be great, Ana." He says, so I usher him in and place a steaming mug of coffee in front of him.
"How was your doctor's appointment?" He asks.
"Great, I've been officially cleared to return to work on Monday."
"That is good news. How is the little one doing?"
"The baby is doing great, what little morning sickness I had finally passed, so from now on I can enjoy this pregnancy until I'm huge and want it to be over." I tell him and pour myself an orange juice.
"Glad to hear it... so I guess I'm just going to tell you, but with you returning to work, I will have Sawyer follow you around. He is already following you, but I thought I let you know." He says and I stare at him.
"Why?"
"Elena Lincoln might be in jail, but that doesn't mean that she won't use her contacts to harm you again. I'm not going to take any risks, plus you won't be able to hide your pregnancy forever, once the news that you are carrying the Grey heir is out, the media will be trying to get pictures of you and of course the crazies will try to get a piece of Mr. Grey's fortune by threatening your safety and the safety of your child. I know you dislike this, but please don't make my job harder than it has to be." He says, I really want to argue, but he is right, I'm carrying the child of a well-known billionaire and once this becomes known, I might not be able to protect me and the baby by myself.
"Okay... so, how is Christian." I ask surprising both Taylor and myself, because I have never asked about him, but I guess I have to start letting him in, even if it is by just asking about him.
"He is doing fine, I talked to him on the phone this morning and he has plans to return to Seattle next week or the week after that." He says.
"Where is he?"
"He is in Aspen, has been for almost five weeks now."
"Wow I had no idea, what is he doing there?"
"Therapy." Taylor says and shifts uncomfortably.
"Therapy?" I ask completely surprised... no one told me and what kind of therapy?
"Yes, look it's not my place to say, but that old bitch had her claws in him for over a decade. She filled his head with lies and manipulated him. He knows it now, but it's hard to get over shit like that, so he took a time out and his shrink recommended a different therapist, one who has some sort of intense therapy that requires daily sessions as well as time away from his normal routine. That's what he is doing now." He says and I sit down. Okay Ana, it's time just ask Taylor, you can trust him.
"Taylor... Christian and she did they have an affaire while he was seeing me?"
"No, absolutely not, but I'm not the one you should be talking to about that Ana. I have to leave now, call me if you need anything." He says.
"Please wait a moment." I stop him grab my purse and retrieve the latest sonogram picture of the baby, which has been made a little over a week ago.
"Can you make sure he gets this picture?" I ask and Taylor smiles at me.
"I have it couriered to him, so he'll have it this evening." He says and leaves.
"Don't expect too much... I don't know what this means, little one." I murmur and rub my belly.
The more I have thought about Christian in the last couple of weeks, the more my initial assumptions started to become idiotic to me. I might not know much about Christian, but I do know that he would never do anything to harm me. Still, my worries of raising a child with him, when he has been friends with a pedophile for so long and defended what she has done to him is very much prominent. I know he is a victim and that she has probably brainwashed and groomed him to believe what she has done to him was in his best interest, but I'm just scared that one day our child will be fifteen and some pervert will seduce him or her while Christian can't see how wrong it is. Maybe with him trying a different type of therapy he will finally understand that what she has done to him was wrong… that Elena Lincoln has never been his friend, but a predator who took advantage of a vulnerable boy who was desperately trying to find his place in this world.
I wanted to tell him…wanted to talk to him, but I'm afraid I will just fall for anything he is going to tell me, because part of me still desperately wants to be with him. Yet, I don't want to give in, because it's no longer just me and I have to make the best decision for my child… but deep down I know that the best decision is to talk this out with him so we can raise our baby together…
Christian
"Sir? Mr. Taylor sent this to you by courier." Mrs. Roberts says while I am sitting outside by the pool reading.
"Thank you, Mrs. Roberts." I reply and take the envelope. I open it and read the note first.
Sir,
Miss Steele is cleared to return to work on Monday, she agreed to have Sawyer with her as security. No news about the start of the trial. GEH is running smoothly according to Ms. Bailey. I have couriered this news to you to enclose something Miss Steele wanted you to have.
J. Taylor
Carefully I retrieve a picture from the envelope and turn it around. At first I have no idea what I am looking at, until it becomes clear when I read her name, the date and the words Baby Grey on top of the pictures. And there it is, my child... wow, it's so much bigger than the last time I saw it on the sonogram while Ana was still unconscious. It really does look like a baby now... tiny, but already a real human being. And more so, Ana wanted me to have it. Still, I know I can't get my hopes up to high. I reach for my phone to send her a text, but pause for a moment... maybe it's too soon, but hell, we haven't had any contact since she woke up from the induced coma.
I take my phone and decide to send her a simple text instead of an e-mail.
** Thank you for the sonogram picture. It means a lot to me. C.**
Before I can over think this, I hit send and put my phone back on the small table next to my lounger, because I don't expect any reply, so I actually jump in my seat when my phone beeps with an incoming text message.
** Glad Taylor was able to sent it to you. Maybe we can meet when you are back? A.**
I nearly drop my phone when I see her reply. She wants to meet... fuck, this could go either way... maybe she just wants to talk or maybe she wants to tell me to fuck off forever... I guess I only have one option to find out.
** Sure, can I call you when I'm back? C.** Her reply comes in just seconds later.
** OK, but I'll return to work next week, so it's best if you call me early in the morning or after work... A.**
** Will do... and please don't overdo it at work... take things slow, please. C.**
** Yes, Dad ;-) Take care, A.**
I sit there grinning like an idiot still staring at her last text, when I hear the clicking of high heels and see my new therapist Autumn Miller walk towards me. At first I was apprehensive when Flynn wanted me to meet with her. He was adamant though and I caved, willing to do whatever it takes to get to a better place. So, I met with her and found out why Flynn wanted me to meet her.
Autumn is not only a therapist, but she is also openly involved in the BDSM lifestyle with her partner Megan. They are both switches, meaning they exchange roles in the playroom. She has been with Megan for eleven years now and together they have two beautiful children, a boy called Easton and a girl called Charlotte. They have been living in Aspen for ten years now and live an normal life. I still find it fascinating to see how their relationship works. If one would meet them no one would ever expect that they are involved in the lifestyle.
"What has you smiling like you just hit the jackpot?" She asks and sits down on the lounger opposite mine.
"Ana sent me this." I show her the picture of my baby and she smiles.
"You know, this little one is going to challenge you unlike anything in your life before. It will take your life and spin it around in ways you never thought possible. Becoming a parent will make you see things completely different, it will be the best thing for you." She says and even though she basically described total loss of control, I now believe she is right. Yes, being in control... or to be allowed to believe I am in total control is what helped me gain success in my chosen career, however it also cost me many normal experiences a man my age should have gathered by now. Normal things like dating, hanging out with friends, hell even having friends, because the sad truth is, the only people in my life who are close to me are either family or on my payroll. Even the women I was with over the years were contracted and dismissed like a fired employee once I had enough of them.
"Can't wait for it." I reply with a smile.
"Good, so this is a start, right?"
"It's even better. I sent Ana a text to thank her and she replied asking me to meet when I'm back in Seattle. Maybe there is hope for us yet." I say a bit cautiously.
"Well, let's see you are young, easy to look at and rich as fuck, what's not to love?" She asks and I laugh. At first I was irritated with her lack of professionalism. She talks like she wants, has no problem to call me out on my bullshit and she sure as fuck doesn't take any crap. Surprisingly, having a shrink who doesn't act like one is just what I needed. Hell, on our second day of therapy she called me a spoiled brat with mommy issues, which of course made me fly off the handle, but she just sat there and listened while I cussed like a drunken sailor. When I noticed that she was just sitting there watching me I stopped and we talked.
She even went so far as to tell me that I only use BDSM to punish my dead mother for not protecting me and that the sex is just an extra since I never learned to have a healthy relationship with a woman, due to the way Elena introduced me to sex. Of course, hearing that I wanted to throw her out again, but she wasn't having it.
Instead she pulled out two chairs and made me sit in one of them. Then she made me face the other chair and imagine Ella was sitting there. She wanted me to tell her how I feel about her, but I refused. I refused to do it for a whole week until one day she sat down in the chair telling me to imagine she was Ella. That did the trick, I don't know why but focusing on another human being made it easier for me and I let it all out, I yelled, I cursed and I told her how much I hate her for not protecting me, for dying the way she did and most of all for leaving me alone.
Autumn then proceeded to take on Ella's role, to give her a voice as she said. What she said still echoes in my mind.
I was too young when I had you, just a scared child with a baby. I was scared and all alone, I didn't know where to turn to and I trusted the wrong people. I was just fifteen when I had you and I am sorry that I couldn't protect you, but I was too far gone to see what was happening. I know that I've neglected you, that I wasn't a good mother, but I loved you and I want you to be happy, you have to let go of all the hate and anger towards me to have a happy future...
I don't even know why, but that night I dreamed of Ella. Not a nightmare, but a memory of my childhood I always pushed back. It was my 4th birthday... she baked me a cake, took me to a playground and we had mac and cheese for dinner. When she put me to bed she told me everything was going to be okay, that she found a way to save me... to give me a better life. I woke up after that, but I do remember the rest all to well, because the next morning when I got out of bed, I found her on the living room floor... dead. And it wasn't until I had this dream that I knew, my mother didn't overdose by accident, she took her own life to give me a better life, because to her it was the only way out she had.
For the first time since I was a small child I cried about losing my mother that morning. I cried until I had no strength left and just curled up in bed, still struggling with the sudden realization that my mother loved me. Yes, she was neglectful and she didn't protect me, but she couldn't even protect herself, she was just as trapped in this nightmare we called our life as I was. I spent the entire day just lying in bed thinking about her and the few good memories of her that I have became more prominent... when the next morning came I finally got up and somehow I felt more at peace than I ever had before, something had shifted inside me and I realized it was because I was ready to forgive her.
And by forgiving her, I was finally ready to move on with my life. I might not become a better person over night, but now I do believe that I can have a normal happy life if I really try...
If the part about Christian dreaming of how Ella passed away sounds familiar to you, it's because after writing this chapter I used the same idea for Broken II…
