Chapter 11: Goodbyes
I'm relieved.
For the first time in so many years, I can feel the sense of desperation leaving, of enjoying that I'm still alive. It's hard to believe just how much tension was built up inside of me- that, and how easily it all seemed to make it not matter once I found out that Lily would be okay.
How had I been able to restrain myself from worrying for so long? Lily was, as much as we both hated to admit it, sick. She wasn't born with any type of disease, at least not one that could be labeled. The doctors in LROS had told me that her body was very weak- her immune system could barely fight off anything more than the common cold. Another thing that they'd told me was really confusing- she was born with what appeared to be constant radiation poisoning. When I'd asked what they meant, one of them said that she must've had an unsuccessful surgery or something to that effect- the chemicals had caused her weakened immune system and sent the chemical levels in her brain off the charts. In their eyes, they had said, she was a living miracle. She would be prone to fainting spells triggered by specific things- they'd most likely be identified later- and that might really hurt her in the long run. She'd build up immunity to the fainting over time eventually; she might lead a perfectly normal life.
A 'normal life'? How could anyone live a normal life when, at any time, they could be left completely defenseless? For that matter, how the heck could she have been born with radiation poisoning if she's been born without surgery?
It didn't make sense, but I'd had faith in them. A child's faith. As little sense as it makes, even now, I don't bother questioning it. There's no way that I can fix any of it, I'm not a doctor… I am her best friend, though. A lousy best friend, but still one. What had set her off?
It scared me to know that something had set her off in such a casual situation. After all, it was just lunch with May- bubbly, enthusiastic, cheerful May. What had gone wrong? Could I have- No.
I'm over thinking this, aren't I… There's nothing I can do. Nothing I can say or do will fix this, fix her problems. I wish that I could, but wishes aren't going to do anything for her. They've never done anything for either of us.
As I look at her here, her eyes shut, palms up, hair splayed across her pillow, there's a lot I don't understand. I'm not going to bother her, though. She deserves to relax, she's been through too much today.
When I turn to leave, though, something stops me. She's woken up- she's smiling at me, drowsy, but still awake. Lily's heard my unsaid apology- the one we both know is as sincere as it is useless.
"It's okay. Thank May for me, would you?"
"Is she going to be okay?"
May's voice is tainted with worry. Her hands are clasped shut, her fingers making indents like crescent moons in her palms. The light in her eyes is barely caught, illuminating her so that I could finally, really, stop and see her.
Hazel hair is ruffled, sticking up to the left where she'd been helping hold Lily up, and her eyes- God, how had I gone so long without seeing her eyes? – seem alert, perfectly calm, a surprising feat after the long day we've had. Red-tinted lips turn up in a half smile as she catches the slight grin that I didn't notice happening. Clothes ruffled, posture slumped, she still seems so perfect that I can feel myself losing control. Subconsciously, my hand rests above my heart, the slight indent of an engraved ring meeting my fingers.
The startling extent of her smile unfurled, and I can't help but wanting to laugh with her, even though part of me still wants to cry. My feet move on their own account, stopping the rest of me in front of May. I leaned forward, taking her in. Every detail, every breath, every shadow of light catching in the smooth lines of her profile. Everything.
Something inside of me is moving, pressing to see her, make May as real as I know she is. It's a part of me that's paranoid- even though I know she won't leave, even though I know she isn't going to hurt me the way so many others have before they did, I need this. I need to lean in and be able to see and feel her for all that she is, an entire being, a living human of flesh and blood, trembling, breathing, alive. As I see her, really, truly see her, I can only just stop myself from crying.
You love her don't you?
I'm shuddering, shattering, recoiling as my heart implodes. I can hear her May calling me, over and over, but it's too late and I'm too far gone to answer. I wasn't trying to make her real. No, May was real- all too real, she was going to hurt me, she was going to break me, she was going to kill me- but I wasn't. If the way I feel (can I really feel at all?) is any indication, I'm nothing to this world but a virus. I'm not needed, I'm not wanted, and I'm not required. I'm nothing. Nothing.
Saltwater streams down my face, drying like bruises, my own fingers tightening in my hair as my knees start to coil into my chest, protective and destructive. I can't love May, I can't. I don't want her to go away! Flashes of people that I've left behind are cutting into me like glass against skin, biting as though I'm their prey. Lily, small and yet strong, a small child with ink black hair and violet eyes, frail and intimidating, and suddenly all I can see is them- my friends, my family, my guardians and my past, they're all running against the surface of my mind like a blade, ready to destroy what's left of me.
Drew? It's okay now. It's all going to be okay. We're here. We'll take care of you.
No, it's not okay. You can't take care of me anymore. As much as that scares me, I think… I'll learn to deal with it. I have to. I'm not as weak as I let myself be. Please, wherever you are right now- I'll be okay. I know it.
Softly, I can just feel her smile. It's a sad smile, a smile that tells me she's going to go away, that she's never coming back, but this time I don't stop her. Sometimes, we all have to say goodbye. I'll miss you.
She's gone. I'm the only one in my mind, and for a moment I wish she was back. Things are lonely without her, but all the same I know it's better this way. Luna doesn't need me to survive- and I didn't need her now. It was all going to be okay.
Really, truly, it's all going to be okay.
"Drew? Drew? Oh God, please, please be okay, Drew! Drew?"
His knees are relaxing. Drew's body is uncoiling, his head is coming up, eyes rolling forward, drunkenly focusing on me. With a trembling hand, he reaches out to me, and I'm not sure he knows what he's doing. I don't know, I don't care. He needs me. For once, and perhaps only once, he's willing to admit he needs me. As his hand meets mine, tugging gently, I tug myself down, curl up next to him, his head resting on my shoulder. His nose presses into my shoulder, an almost inaudible plea coming from his lips. "Stay."
For only the second time today, I feel myself smiling.
"I will."
Saying goodbye is never easy.
Sometimes, saying goodbye to someone can mean you'll never see them again, that every tie between the two of you besides living has been slit. That the two you are alone, isolate to each other for the rest of your lives. That's not the truth, though. Not really.
Saying goodbye is like closing a book before its last chapter. You'll find the ending soon enough, don't worry. As hard as it seems now, it'll be something you can look back on and remember. It's one thing the two of you will share.
You're not apart- not really. What once was and what now is is all relative. That's not what matters.
What matter is that the two of you, whether you are lovers or enemies, classmates or friends, you're not ever alone. You're a part of someone else, bonded by memories the two of you will someday remember.
When all else changes, that is the one thing that stays permanent. Above all else, don't forget. Never forget. You exist. To somebody, somewhere, you exist.
