Parade :: Paige/Sean

Notes: Someday I guess I might write something about the current characters, taking place in the current seasons… but honestly I just can't get enough of that old school goodness. Remember season two? Well if you do, this is the crack pairing for you! Takes place during the summer after "Jagged Little Pill" and continues on into a slightly AU season two. Contains all the same controversies as "Shout," so consider it rated T. This one might be a little corny, I suppose, but that's because it's written in the spirit of the early Degrassi years. You know you love it. And, since it's so rare for me to write something ever, I'm going to take this opportunity to plug my current project on fictionpress called "Lush." Go read it?

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"Is it just me, or has Sean turned into a total hottie since that fight?"

I can't say why or when I went nuts for Sean Cameron. It was easy, in casual girl chatter, to gush over how cute he was. Every girl thought so, even if she would condemn him for being trailer trash in the very same sentence. But the other girls had no idea how I really felt. The tacky denim, the terrifying scowl. The history, the fights, the eyebrows. Sean Cameron: the myth. I was attracted to the danger. I was enticed by the fact that someone like him and someone like me could never get together under the watchful social eyes of junior high. I was obsessed.

I wanted him to push me down like he had pushed Emma. I wanted to be afraid of him. I wanted to feel that fear dancing down my spine. I just wasn't afraid of other boys. I kind of felt like I could control them. And I guess that was the appeal. Sean Cameron could not be tamed, could not be caged, and the challenge was too delicious to resist.

It was dry and hot that day when I approached him, titillated by the crumbling trashy neighborhood where he lived. God, if anyone ever saw me there… but that was just it. No one would ever see me there. He wore a skin-tight black shirt. His hands were covered in splotches of black grease. He stared at me, hard and cold, as I pranced up to him in my typical belly shirt and platform flip-flops.

"Can I help you?" he asked. He asked it not like a candy store cashier, but like a gang member. Menacing. Like I had invaded his turf. Little did he know I was more than ready for the rumble.

"I just came by to say hey," I said, which was absurd. "I was in the neighborhood. I like to keep in touch with my friends over the summer."

"We're not friends."

I scowled. He couldn't be any more bored with me. His indifference was infuriating. Paige Michalchuk did not take well to the brush off. The more disinterested he was, the more interested I became. "Yeah, well…" I placed my hands on my hip and tapped my platformed foot impatiently. "Look, do you want to make out or not?"

Eyes as unmoving as stone, Sean examined me and spit a giant loogie to the ground. "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

I shrugged, smiling coyly. "Why the hell not?"

And that's all it took to ignite the fire of summer romance. We were all over each other. All summer. Behind the slide at the old elementary school playground. In the back of dark movie theaters. In his dirty apartment. On his smelly bed.

I had hickies. Terri and Hazel would ask me where they came from. I would smile and brush them off as curling iron burns. And I would sizzle inside from the hot satisfaction of having a secret. Terri and Hazel didn't have secrets because they were boring. I had secrets because I was better than them.

I was better than everyone, in fact. And I guess Sean didn't know that, because when school started again, he actually had the audacity to speak to me. You know, at school. In front of other people.

"Excuse me?" I said to him with a snarl, while Spinner and Terri and Hazel stared on in confusion.

Sean scratched the back of his head, confused by how icily I had shot down his warm greeting. "I just… wanted to see if you wanted to hang out later."

I laughed in his face. He winced at the sting of it. "Why would I want to hang out with you?"

I laughed harder, and my friends laughed with me, because my friends typically followed my every whim. Sean's eyes glazed over with numbness as he shrugged, huffed, and walked away. He didn't dare approach me again, which hurt me in a way I didn't expect. Sean was stronger than me, see. He didn't think twice about missing me the way I missed him.

Life went on, Sean-less. Pom poms and lip gloss and gossip and the like, me on top of the world as usual. But then came Dean. I liked Dean because he was older. A little intimidating. I was attracted to the danger. I was attracted to the challenge.

I was attracted until the danger became real. Until winning the challenge meant losing my everything. Until I felt his older, stronger, bigger arms holding me against the bed until I felt bruises. Panting and screaming until my lungs burned with dry, raw desperation. No escape. No air. He hurt me, and hurt me, and hurt me, until it didn't hurt any more because I was numb. I was empty. I was powerless.

At school I was quiet. Terri and Hazel would ask me about the bruises, and I would brush them off as cheerleading stumbles. I would scream and ache inside because I had a secret. Terri and Hazel didn't have secrets because they were boring. I had a secret because I was stupid and arrogant.

I felt sick inside because somewhere, deep down, I sort of felt like I got what I deserved.

I took a walk one day far away from my own neighborhood, wanting to be somewhere no one would see me. It had been weeks since that night with Dean, and still no one knew. I couldn't bare to have anyone know. I pushed the hurting deep inside, hiding under lip gloss and pom poms, and only when I was far far away from prying junior high eyes could I let the secret out.

I was under the slide at the old elementary school playground, curled in a ball in the shelter of its shadow, crying my eyes out.

That's when I felt Sean beside me, his arms around me without a word.

I shoved him hard, choking on my tears and my shame. "Don't touch me," I hissed, trying as hard as I could to sound as ice cold as the day I'd blown him off at school. But something was missing. I didn't have it in me any more.

"Something happened to you," he said gently, his soft lips close to my wet cheeks.

"No shit, Sherlock. What was the giveaway, the kindergarten-style sobfest or the sitting in the gravel like a slob part?"

"Neither." Sean's breaths were steady and comforting. I could feel his chest so close (but not too close) to mine. He smelled just the same as summer. "I knew it before. I could tell at school… you acted different. A little less bitch, a little more human."

"Gee. Thanks Cameron. You're a sweet kid."

He didn't say anything and he didn't have to, because he was right. I was a bitch, and why should I be surprised when no one felt an ounce of sympathy for my pain. No one had even noticed that anything was wrong with me, except for some boy I treated like shit and pretended I was too good to talk to.

"It's not as glamorous as I thought," I said softly. My voice was hoarse from crying.

"What's not?" Sean asked.

I used to my sleeve to wipe away some of the snot dribbling from my nose. "Trouble. You know, drama. I sort of had this crush on you because you had this, sexy parade of white trash drama following you all the time. I was like, weirdly jealous of the way you pushed Emma when you got in that fight with Jimmy. Why would anyone be jealous of that? Why would anyone want to be… hurt…" The sobs started erupting again from my body. I could feel Dean's hands, I could smell his beer-breath, I could feel the air stopping in my lungs…. The hurt… the humiliation…

Sean's arms were around me again and this time I didn't stop him. I cried into his denim jacket, screaming all the things I hadn't been able to scream for weeks because there was no one who I trusted to listen.

"I'm so stupid," I muttered, tears pouring down my face.

"You're not stupid," Sean said comfortingly, touching my hair with his hands.

"No, I am. I'm stupid. I treat people like garbage and I think I can get away with whatever I want but I… I can't. I got what I deserved, and I don't deserve to have you here trying to make me feel better… I was so mean to you. Why should you even care?"

I wasn't sure any of my words could even be heard clearly through my runny nose and muffled cries. I was sitting here under the slide, more vulnerable than I had ever been, spilling my insecurities out before someone who had every right in the world to give me a taste of my own medicine. I bit my lip, waiting for Sean to speak.

Gently, Sean placed his hand behind my head and guided me cautiously to his chest. I rested my face there, where it felt safe and warm. He took his other hand and roped his fingers through mine, clutching my hand.

"You're right," he said. "It's not as glamorous as it seems. Once you've had your share of drama… or should I say, what was it, a 'white trash drama parade…' Well, I guess you don't get as much satisfaction out of kicking people when they're down. Everybody gets hurt, Paige. Why would I want to make you feel any worse?"

I shrugged, silent tears still streaming. "It's what I would do," I said.

Sean sighed. "Well it looks like you're in the parade now, princess. Time to change your tactics."

I was afraid to look at Sean's face, afraid to trust his kindness when all I'd shown him was cruelty. I kept my face close to his chest, holding my breath. I felt my voice drop to a whisper. "What do I do?"

Sean's fingers squeezed mine. "Just start at the beginning. Just talk to me."

I choked. "I can't. It's too big."

"You can. And you will. When you're ready, maybe. I can tell you're a pretty tough chick."

I watched our fingers while tears kept bleeding into Sean's warm t-shirt. Every time I screamed he held me closer. He never flinched or seemed uncomfortable. He never treated me the way I had treated him countless times. Sean was stronger than me, see.