Will I Lose My Dignity?

Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi nor any other literary or pop culture references.

Chapter 11 – Recanting

Eli lay still on his back staring at the ceiling when his phone rang. He raised an eyebrow and picked up the phone. It was Clare. He debated for a split second to ignore the call, but sighed and answered.

"Clare?"

"C… Can you come over?" she asked, her voice sounded shaky and panicked.

"I'll be right there," he answered, hanging up the phone. Worry coursed through him as he grabbed a jacket and shoved his feet into a pair of shoes. What could have happened? Was she hurt? Was she just upset? What would he say to her?

He thanked whatever powers at be that let him get to Clare's house without getting a speeding ticket. He raced up the front sidewalk, but the front door was locked, with no light shining inside. He looked up to Clare's window to see dim lighting shining around the edges of her drapes. Hoping the window would be unlocked, he scaled the tree that Clare always climbed down when she snuck out to see him. He held on with one arm as he reached towards the bottom of the window sill, pulling upward. It slid up effortlessly, and Eli climbed inside.

He took in the room around him, noticing Clare wasn't present. He started walking for the bedroom door to search the rest of the house when a tiny cough echoed from the bathroom. He cautiously opened the door, not sure what to expect.

Clare lay on the bathroom rug in the middle of the bathroom. Her face was pale with a sheen of sweat on her forehead. She held her arms to her chest with her legs curled up, shaking as if she had been locked out in the cold despite the thick sweatpants and sweatshirt she was wearing.

Eli knelt beside her, not sure what to do. He placed a hand on her forehead, expecting fever, but the temperature felt normal. At his touch, Clare grabbed his arm.

"E… Eli?" Her voice was tiny and trembling.

"Clare, what's going on? What's wrong with you?"

"Help me g… get back in b… bed," she pleaded.

"Here, put your arm around my neck," he told her.

She did as he said, and he put his arm around her waist, helping her to her feet. Once she stood up, she leaned against Eli's side as he carefully led her back to her bed. Once they reached the edge, Clare took her arm from around Eli's shoulder and crawled to the far side of the bed, pulling all the covers around herself as she coiled into a ball.

Eli stood at the edge of the bed, completely unsure of what do to.

"I c… can't stop sh… shaking," she complained.

Eli slid in the bed behind her, putting his arms around her and pulling her to his chest. Her trembling shook his entire body, but he held her tight.

"Tell me what happened? Did you get sick again?" he asked.

"I was w… watching t.v., and I st… started shivering. Th… then I felt s…sick, and I threw u… up. I laid b… back down, but i… it kept h… happening," she explained. "Then m…my chest started h…hurting, and that's when I c… called. I… I'm so s… sorry."

"What do you mean your chest was hurting?"

"R… right here," she said as she took the hand wrapped around her waist and placed it at the bottom of her sternum.

"I think we need to get you to a doctor."

"O… okay."

"Stay right here, I'm gonna call your dad and tell him to meet us at the emergency room," he said, grabbing her cell phone off the bedside table. He scrolled through the numbers until he found her dad's cell phone number.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Mr. Edwards, it's Eli."

"Oh, hi Eli, what's going on? Why do you have Clare's phone?"

"She called me about half an hour ago, and I came right over. Something's wrong with Clare. I got here and she was laying in the bathroom floor, shaking and she's been throwing up. She says her chest hurts, like right behind her ribs. I'm gonna take her to the emergency room, can you meet us there?" Eli answered, panic making his voice uneven.

"Absolutely, calm down, Eli. It's going to be okay."

"Thanks, Mr. Edwards."

Eli sat back down on the edge of the bed, his hand on Clare's shoulder.

"Clare, your dad's gonna meet us. Let me help you downstairs."

Clare rolled over and climbed out of the bed, holding on to Eli for support. Slowly, they made their way down the stairs and safely to the hearse. Clare laid down on the bench seat, as Eli walked around to the driver's side. Eli drove more carefully than normal, knowing that rushing and getting careless was the last thing they needed. A few blocks away from Clare's house, she spoke.

"E… Eli. I'm s… sorry."

"It's okay, Clare, we'll be there in a few minutes."

"No, I'm sorry f… for the other n…night. You were r… right. I was u… upset."

"Clare…" he started.

"I w… wasn't ready, and I sh… shouldn't have s… said that, at l… least not like th… that," she explained, silent tears making their way over her ashen face.

"We can talk about this later, Clare. You don't need to get upset right now." Eli knew it might hurt her feelings to cut her off, but they had more pressing matters at hand. He had no idea what could be wrong with her, but he knew getting flustered and upset wouldn't help anything.

Finally they reached the hospital. Clare's Dad stood at the emergency room entrance with a nurse and a wheelchair. Her Dad already had her halfway out of the car when Eli reached the passenger side.

"Was there anything else she said about what happened, other than what you told me on the phone, Eli?" Mr. Edwards asked. "I already told the nurse what you said."

"No, that's all she told me," he answered as he closed the passenger door.

The nurse had already started wheeling Clare away. Mr. Edwards put a hand on Eli's shoulder.

"It's okay. The waiting room is just through there, and I'll come find you as soon as I know something," he explained, pointing through the glass doors before he turned and followed the nurse.

Eli stood there beside the hearse, alone, watching them wheel Clare across the waiting room and through a pair of double doors. As soon as she was out of sight, he walked back around and got back in the hearse and started looking for parking. Once he found a space, he laid his head down on the steering wheel, gripping it with white knuckles. After taking a deep breath, he got out and walked across the lot back to the waiting room.

He sat down in an empty chair, his head in his hands, and waited.