Excerpts From Angela's Journal

Dear Journal,

I can see that this is the first writing I've done in this book in about a month - I'm a bit ashamed of that. I think that more than anything I'm writing in here because I need someone (or something) to confide in. Duck is literally the only one who listens to me (take into consideration that he is my cat) and, well, he appears a bit bored at the moment.

Last night was the night of my arrival home. I felt the need for a long vacation after all that had happened with Isabel so I traveled. After I picked Duck up at the kennel however, I discovered a message on the answering machine - It was Weiss. To make a long story short, a Nurse was murdered at Ravenscar - by something untraceable. To add to the suspense of the night I was quick to discover John was there with a friend of his. He too (I'm assuming with his friend's help) knew about the murder and suspected it to be someone who goes by Ellie (after a Doctor slipped up and told him about a woman who had turned herself in at the asylum).

John left in a haste after discovering this and so I decided to wait up for him literally at his doorstep in hopes that I too would get to the bottom of it all. When he got home, he informed me that this Ellie didn't really give him anything to lean on much for a possible clue. According to what John said, she was as scared as anyone and fled after she heard a scream. I want to take her down to headquarters for further questioning as soon as I can anyway.

Now, about my confiding that I mentioned earlier. I think I did something really stupid last night before leaving John's place. I don't know what happened for sure, but it just slipped out of me. I guess I've never been good at holding things in for too long. I had to tell him, I wanted to; but to be blunt, John wouldn't give me the chance. It's like he wants to push me away now - he let me know that he doesn't want me falling in that same hole that everyone he's ever known has ended up in. It's frustrating, and if I had the sense I have as of right now I might have given him a piece of my mind (and who knows? I may yet). Surprisingly though, he wasn't cruel about it. It's like he just wants to keep me away, like he's afraid of getting too attached. It's so difficult to understand where he's coming from sometimes because he's so bad about leading one around in the dark and keeping everything bottled up to himself. I wish there was some way to make him realize that I'm not another damsel in distress that he has to constantly protect and feel responsible for. I just wish I knew how to reason with him better. It's hard because I can't get inside of his mind.

I really wanted more than anything to tell him how I feel. Somehow, in all that we've been through, John's really grown on me. I know he's not the biggest gentleman, and he's certainly not a shoulder to lean on type, but he's different and I'm just naturally drawn to him. Maybe that's foolish, maybe irresponsible for a cop such as myself - but I can't deny what's there. And the longer the distance between us remains, the more I want to go to him and say what's running through my mind.

I left abruptly after he sent me off in his own little fashion. I felt so awkward running down those halls and out to the SUV. I had all of these mixed emotions that were driving me mad - and maybe to tears. I remember thinking on the way home of how badly I wished Isabel was still alive, that she could be well and like she used to be on those good days. Then as I got to thinking more of her, John sort of faded a bit and I began feeling guilty all over again - guilty for leaving her in that place only to get hurt. I should have stood up and fought for her. I should have been there instead of trying to forget. I was such a hypocrite. But I guess sometimes life has its reasons for turning out the way it does - even if the way it turns out is the exact way we don't want it to. It just hurts so bad to think of her. I haven't even had the courage to pick up the photo album yet. I'm surprised I can even stand to look at Duck sometimes, knowing that he was something that Isabel treasured.

I really feel foolish. I really dread John, I dread looking at him or even talking to him, but I need to. I need him to help me solve this crime. Putting aside my emotional stresses, I know that something's going on. I felt it when I got back from my trip. Something's not right with the world, with L.A. and I'm worried. I'm very worried.

I'll close for now. My cell is ringing.

~ Angela

To Be Continued.