Luke and Lorelai are engaged again, which Jess thinks has maybe a 50/50 chance of actually sticking this time around. Apparently he's not the only one to doubt it, as he endures a forty-minute phone call with Rory about a town betting pool, run by Kirk (who Rory very strongly suspects is a patsy, if only she could figure out for who). Jess, if he's honest, doesn't care much. It'd be nice not to be related to his ex-girlfriend, admittedly, but Luke will still be Luke either way, and Jess is fairly certain that his uncle has enough joy and fulfillment in his life now that he'd probably be the "charming, gruff bachelor" instead of "that bald guy who yells at strangers in the town square", if it didn't work out. But - who knows. It's all relative.

"Lorelai wants Willa to be the flower girl," Luke informs Jess, which really means Luke wants Willa to be the flower girl, but he doesn't want Jess to know it. "The wedding's in December; will she be walking by then? Or does somebody need to like, hold her hand?"

"Luke," Jess says patiently, "she's walking now." And hasn't that been a series of exciting and absolutely terrifying moments.

"Well yeah, but I mean - walking on her own and not falling down every two seconds."

"I don't know," Jess says, incredulous, "hold on, I can go ask her what her plans are, as far as the schedule of her development goes."

"I'm just asking you what you think, you know, as her parent, if she'll be able to handle walking down the aisle alone."

"We're talking about December of this year, right," Jess asks, "as in three months from now? She's two, Luke. Yes, she needs someone to walk down the aisle with her."

Luke sighs, like Jess is the one being difficult here. "You can't, you know. Work with her on it?"

"Sure, Luke, I'll send her to toddler boot camp," Jess says, rolling his eyes. "Do you want me to teach her to roll over and fetch, too? Could be a fun trick for the reception."

"Well, I'm sorry, this is a lot harder than it was any of the other times I've done it," Luke says defensively. "Do you know how many people want to be in the wedding party? I've got groomsmen coming out of my ears, here."

"Feel free to cut me from the roster, I won't be offended," Jess offers.

"Nice try," Luke says. "You're the best man."

"What?!" Jess says. "I never agreed to that!"

"Too bad," Luke says smugly.

"Don't you have to ask me that sort of thing?"

Luke just snorts. "Right. Ask. I wasn't born yesterday, kid."

Jess gives an aggravated sigh. "I'm not throwing you a fucking bachelor party."

"Which is exactly why you're the best man, because you're not gonna do anything but show up. That's gonna work out great for me," Luke says, with great satisfaction. "But - if T.J. asks, then it would've broken your heart if I didn't ask you. FYI."

Jess groans.

"But that's why you can't walk Willa down the aisle - you're paired with Rory. Maid of honor, best man."

"Jesus Christ, Luke," Jess blurts, "I can't walk Rory down the aisle, are you insane?"

"What?" Luke squawks. "Oh come on, you were just kids. Ancient history."

"Luke," Jess says, with a little less patience than before, "is Rory bringing Logan?"

"Yeah," Luke says blankly. A long pause. "Oh."

"Put her with someone else," Jess says wearily, rubbing his temples, "I'll walk with Willa."

"Aw, jeez," Luke says. "Who? I'm not making that dumbass trust fund a groomsman. And if I make Rory walk with T.J. she'll kill me."

"Figure it out," Jess says mercilessly. "Just tell them Willa will be scared if she's with anyone but me, or something. Play up the baby angle."

"Jeez," Luke grumbles again. "This is what happens when you don't think things through, Jess. Didn't I tell you? I warned you."

"Oh my God," Jess says, "yeah, okay Luke, I should've taken into consideration that you would end up marrying her mother a decade later, even though you were clearly planning on tragic pining for the rest of your sad, weird life. Next time I'll do better."

"I'm just saying, there are plenty of nice girls that don't have jealous boyfriends, okay? Plenty. Pretty ones, even."

Typical. The one time Jess actually isn't the one with the chauvinistic chip on his shoulder, he still gets blamed. "Just - add someone else, okay. It'll be uneven anyway if I'm not walking with the others, just - ask Cesar."

"Cesar has a winter home in Florida now," Luke says. "He's not gonna be here."

"He's not coming back for your wedding?!"

"We're not that close," Luke says.

"He's worked for you for twenty years!"

"He's a hard man to get to know!" Luke says defensively. "And I'm not asking Taylor. No way."

"Why in the hell would you ask Taylor?"

"He keeps hinting," Luke says. He sounds kind of hunted, so Jess leaves that one alone.

"What about Lane? Groomsmen don't have to be male."

Luke pauses. "Well," he says.

"She'd do it, she idolizes you, for some reason," Jess says, "and she and Rory would get a kick out of walking down the aisle together."

"That's," Luke says, "not...actually a horrible idea."

"April's one of the bridesmaids, right? Pair her up with T.J. She thinks he's funny."

"Because she's crazy," Luke grumbles, but it's a friendly grumble. Crisis averted, Jess thinks. "She gets that from her mother."

"Sure, Luke," Jess says indulgently. "You're obviously where all of her logical, levelheaded genes come from."

Luke gives a loud harrumph. He sounds a little like an elephant. "Are you gonna bring anyone?"

"What, like a date?" Jess asks. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Luke, I'm sure," Jess says flatly.

"I'm just saying, if you show up with someone last minute, they're not getting fed."

"Who would I bring?" Jess demands. "I'm not dating anyone."

"I heard about that girl in Washington," Luke says disapprovingly.

Jess gapes at the phone for a second. "How?"

"Matthew and I talk," Luke says.

"Don't do that," Jess orders, "don't talk to Matthew. I forbid it."

"He was worried about you, Jess," Luke says, the shit-eating grin overflowing in every syllable. "He just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know. Emotionally."

"I hate," Jess says, and can't even finish the sentence, because there's no way to even describe how much of everything that he hates. It defies words.

"I'll put you down for a plus one, and if you end up coming stag, we'll give the extra dinner to Kirk," Luke says smugly.

Jess very nobly resists the urge to throw the cell phone across the room. "Fine."

"You know, there's a new girl at the Inn that Lorelai just hired, about your age. She'll be there. If you want, I can - "

"Don't you fucking dare," Jess hisses. "I will kill you, Luke. I will literally kill you at your own wedding reception."

"She's cute," Luke insists. "Her name is Ashley. And she's separated from her husband, but she's still married, I think. So - just your type."

"Go to hell."

"Fine, fine," Luke says. "Touchy."

"Am I giving a speech?" Jess asks.

"No," Luke says, a little too quickly.

Jess smirks. "I'm giving a speech."

"You hate speeches," Luke says. "You hate talking in general. Especially to other people. In public."

"I'm a writer, Luke. I give readings all the time."

"Oh, I'll believe that when I see it."

"I'm going to give a fantastic speech," Jess says, "one that truly honors all that you've done for me. Because you deserve it, Uncle Luke."

"Oh, come on," Luke says, dismayed. "Please don't."

"It's tradition, Luke. I'm the best man."

"Just," Luke says desperately, "we're taping the whole thing, remember. Okay? Just keep that in mind."

"I'm not ashamed of my feelings," Jess tells him. "It's a mark of maturity, being unafraid to be emotionally honest with your family. And I'm a mature adult now, Uncle Luke. I have a daughter, remember."

"Aw, jeez," Luke says.