Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho – that is a MAJOR given. In addition, IrisJean owns Midoriko and I own Tsuki.
neko kitkat-Thank you! . It's near the end.
Kuranga108-Yay! Thanks! I'll take every compliment you ever dish out at me! Yeah I think I did a really good job on the last chapter. XD I just love it when others love my work.
Tsuki Fox-Thank you! Yes, too much to do, not enough time.
Note: This chapter is going to be full of angst and hatred. You can usually tell what type of mood I was in when I was writing through well…what's written in my stories and fics. Let's just say at this moment while I'm writing this I was really pissed off.
Chapter 11: Hold On
"You certainly don't reach the qualities for me to consider you part of me; part of your demon side."
Yes, that sounded right. Youko always sounded right when it came to Kurama's heart. Kurama knew he had a human heart. In fact, he treasured it deeply. It was what made him, well, human. And like all humans, even he had his flaws.
The major one – guilt.
Kurama leaned against a wall within his dark, cold room. It resembled his life, dark and cold. He had a dark and terrible past, full of bloodshed, traitors, and unjustified murder. Murder that didn't even need to be justified.
No, that was a wrong way of thinking. There is no justification for murder. You plot to kill someone, then you do, and then you have sinned. No big deal to demons. They never give a damn about that type of stuff. They couldn't care less if they had committed a heinous act.
Nonetheless, Kurama was lonely. He felt all alone, even though he really wasn't. He didn't realize his friends were there to help him carry his burden. Kurama had such a heavy weight upon his shoulders, no normal human could ever support that weight. Not even a demon could, because they feel no guilt when they kill.
Don't some say, 'those who kill must be killed'? Doesn't that make you just as bad as the ones who kill? If you kill them, then aren't you a murderer? Or are you an avenger? You go out to war and then you kill, and you come back not as a killer, but as a hero.
Putting it lightly, life is screwed up.
Kurama rested his hand on his eyes. "What am I?" he asked himself. "Am I human? Or am I a youkai? I can't understand anything anymore."
He began to cry. No one was there for him. He didn't have enough courage to end his life.
Pretty pitiful isn't it?
In Tsuki's room at Spirit World…
Tsuki looked down at her notebook and at the poem she had just written. It sounded just like her life. The poem seemed to somehow convey her emotions perfectly.
The wind has this calming sensationYou and me, us and you, and this relation
It all seems too gory
I'm a victim of my own story
As I look up into the sky
As I wish upon a star I think, oh why, oh why
Have you done such horrible things to me?
But I'll persevere and make you see
All the different things you've done
You said we'd have fun
I don't understand, I don't know why
I trusted that one obvious lie
But as I look back at the past
I realize that I've come in last
Tsuki set the notebook down on her desk and placed the pen beside it. She went over to her bed and flopped down onto it, smothering her face into her pillow. Her tears began to stain the pictures of the roses on her pillowcase. She cried for what seemed for hours.
Mommy…would things be different if you had never died? If Daddy had never treated you like he did, would you have chosen to lead your life differently? Would you have chosen to live instead to die? Would Daddy have stopped beating me? I'm sure if he could, he would beat me now. The only person stopping him from getting near me is Koenma. Thanks to Koenma, Daddy must stay away from me at all times.
Tsuki began to cry harder. Mommy…I miss you…I love you so much…yet at the same time, I have this strange emotion inside of me. It feels like the same emotion that I got whenever Daddy hit me…is this…hate?
Well, if it is hate, then in a way I hate you. Why? Because you left me so abruptly. I didn't even get to say good-bye to you. I woke up, you weren't there. I went looking for you, I found your carcass. You left me alone in this world…all by myself…
So Tsuki, the young little innocent girl with a bright smile that hides her dark and terrible past, and Kurama, the poor teenaged boy torn in-between being human and demon, cried their eyes out. They just let all of their conflicting emotions out.
Whenever you cry, you're letting out all of that stress and hopelessness since the last time you cried. And even if the last time you cried was yesterday, you could still cry hard for what seemed like days on end.
Mother…Kurama thought. What would you think if you knew who I really am? Would I still be the same Shuichi? Would I be your 'perfect' son? Or would you cast me aside like the rest of society?
Kurama sat alone in his pitch-black room. I need some sort of sign of that there is still hope for me, that I'm not just a burden on everyone around me. I need some sort of sign that Maya is okay in the afterlife. I'm just young and hopeless – a wanderer.
Will I wander throughout life or will I walk on my own two feet? Will I merely be pulled alongside the passing of time or will I march boldly? Will I be a coward or someone brave?
"Shuichi…" Youko teased. "What's got you down?"
And also, will I let Youko get to me or will I shut him out of my mind on my own free will?
"Oh, keep your damn comments yourself," Kurama muttered.
"My, I didn't know you used that type of language," Youko said, amazed. "Have I been rubbing off on you?"
"I sure hope not," Kurama whispered to himself. "I don't want to be anything like you. I want to be a different person. I want to be someone who has the courage to be his or her self instead of putting on an act. I want to find someone who will truly bear my pain with me, and I will bear their pain with them." He looked up at the ceiling. "If there is one thing that I want to search for, is for someone who bears pain like the way I do – true suffering in hell."
Tsuki gripped the corners of her pillow in anger and frustration. I HATE YOU MOMMY! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! YOU WOULD HAVE LEFT ME FOR DEAD IF YOU COULD HAVE ESCAPED THIS HELLISH REALITY INTO YOUR OWN DEEP SLUMBER! YOU REALLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! YOU JUST WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM DADDY!
Just then she heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" she screamed as loud as she could, the pillow muffling her words.
Midoriko opened the door. "Hey Tsuki…you okay? I could hear you crying all the way from my room," she said, concerned.
Tsuki shoved her head deeper into the rose-covered pillow and didn't answer Midoriko. Her dark brown and partly red hair was strewn messily over the pillow, covering the parts of her face not completely covered by the pillow. Her frail body twitched violently and uncontrollably.
Midoriko walked in and closed the door behind her. She looked at the walls. Tsuki's room was unique. The color of the walls depended on Tsuki's emotions. Most of the time they were a rose-pink color. Now they were so many colors mixed together. Midoriko could pick out black, red, blue, and a mix of reddish-oranges. Tsuki was in much pain emotionally. She had days like this frequently. She knew Tsuki just put on that cheery attitude to try to cover up the past. Tsuki hadn't even slept in days, she could tell. She was exhausted each day because she was haunted by her past which came back to disturb her in her nightmares.
Midoriko walked over to Tsuki and stood there for a few moments. "Tsuki…Tsuki?" she repeated. "Are you feeling all right?"
Tsuki thrashed out at Midoriko. Midoriko blocked quickly and then Tsuki began to hyperventilate in her pillow.
Midoriko sat down on the foot of Tsuki's bed. "Tsuki?" she repeated once again.
No answer.
Midoriko began to get irritated. She wasn't a very patient person. Laziness and impatience were one of her worst qualities. "Tsuki, you dumbass!" she screamed, angry.
Oh yeah, anger and lack of compassion were also some of her very worst qualities.
Tsuki instantly removed her face from the pillow and glared at Midoriko. Tsuki's normally yellowish glow to her instantly turned to a deep shade of midnight black. Her eyes went from blue-green to black and her hair seemed to float through all of the thick tension in the air. "I don't like to be called a dumbass," Tsuki said through clenched teeth, glaring at Midoriko. "And for your information, I'm not a dumbass. If you can't realize that, then you're the dumbass."
Midoriko glared back at her assistant. She had never gone this far. Normally she was just quiet the entire time. Of course, being the type of person Midoriko was, she sent a death glare at Tsuki. "What-did-you-just-call-me?" she said with anguish.
"If you can't realize that I'm not a dumbass, then you're the stubborn dumbass," Tsuki repeated, yelling this time.
Midoriko grabbed Tsuki by the arm and pulled her close. "Tsuki, watch your mouth. If I say you're a dumbass, then you are," she whispered.
Why do I keep on living? Tsuki thought. I hate my life. What am I waiting for? There is no place for me in this world. I'm not accepted anywhere. No one will take me in.
Tsuki squirmed in Midoriko's gasp. Midoriko had a very tight grip on her, tighter than she had ever had. "Let go of me," she demanded.
Midoriko clenched Tsuki's arm harder. Tsuki flailed out violently, but Midoriko was bigger than her so it didn't have much effect.
With her free arm, Tsuki grabbed a dagger from her belt under her red kimono and swung with it in her hand. "I SAID LET GO OF ME!" she screamed louder than she had ever screamed.
The dagger slashed part of Midoriko's other arm and all across her face, stretching from the bottom of one cheek up diagonally.
Midoriko instantly let go of Tsuki and blood gushed out from Midoriko's arm and face. Tsuki could only look and stare at what she had just done; what happened when she let her emotions well up inside of her.
Midoriko hit the ground due to too much blood loss at once. The wound was severe and very deep. Tsuki stood there and dropped the dagger. She was horrified at what she had just done.
Midoriko clutched the long wound on her face and slowly stood up. All the blood was rushing to her head and she began to lose focus. Glaring at Tsuki, she quickly ran out of her room, leaving Tsuki to regret what she had just done.
Tsuki looked at the dagger beside her feet and then at her hands covered in blood. And then she shrieked in fear of herself. She let the dagger lay there as she ran out of her room to somewhere else. She just wasn't sure where she wanted to go.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Kurama stood up, opened the drawer with the picture of him and the others, and took it out. The frame had a crack in it from the dagger he had tried to cut himself with. He stared at it for a while.
Why Hiei…why did you save me from myself? Why did you strike that dagger away from me? I don't understand…you say you have a demon heart – cold, dark and damp – but why do you show compassion to me?
For some reason, Kurama couldn't put down the picture. It seemed like almost a glimmer of hope for him that things would get better. That his life wouldn't be like this forever, that it would change eventually. After all, wasn't change inevitable?
Still holding onto the picture, Kurama looked at the hole in his window. He stared at it for a few minutes and then jumped through it, landing on his feet outside of his window. He needed to go somewhere…but where?
Both Tsuki and Kurama – the misfits of society, the ones who felt left out and desired to be with someone who understood true suffering – happened to walk to the same place; a beautiful garden on the outskirts of Tokyo, Japan. They just had no idea the other was going to be there or even why.
Kurama stood there in a normal outfit with his orange jacket, looking at Tsuki in her red kimono and her hair blowing in the calm wind. And Tsuki stood there, looking at Kurama and his hair blowing in the calm wind. They both stood there for a few moments, just staring into each other's eyes. Their eyes seemed to tell the story of their horrible past and present. And they also showed little glimmers of hope for the future that things would get better and that gave them optimism and trust in each other.
"Hello," Kurama said first.
"Hello…" Tsuki said quietly.
They both walked over to a bench next to a beautiful bunch of roses and sat down on the sturdy, hard, wooden surface.
"So…what brings you here?" Kurama asked Tsuki.
"Oh…n…nothing really," Tsuki answered. "You?"
"Uh, um…yeah, same," Kurama replied.
They both looked at the different colored roses. There were no black roses, many red roses, and even more yellow roses.
"Hey…there aren't any black roses," Tsuki pointed out.
"Yes, you're right," Kurama agreed. "Black like our hearts…"
"Hmm?" Tsuki said, looking up at Kurama.
"N-nothing," Kurama merely said.
"…The black rose means death."
"Yes, it does."
"Does the red one represent love?"
Kurama nodded. "Yes."
Tsuki smiled. "Then what does the yellow one represent?"
"Friendship." Kurama also smiled.
Tsuki's smile seemed to brighten, along with her little glow. It was no longer black, but it wasn't bright like the light. It was in the middle of the two.
Kurama and Tsuki inched closer and Tsuki rested her head against Kurama's shoulder while he put his arm around her in a brotherly way.
"You definitely know your roses," Tsuki said, closing her eyes.
"Mmhmm," Kurama responded. "My power is controlling plants after all. I should be well-educated in them, right?"
Tsuki giggled. "Yeah."
They sat there, not saying anything. Just by being next to one another, they seemed to know that the two of them were in the same lot. They felt lonely and left out and went through atrocious things and just felt like a burden on everyone. They seemed to know what the other had been through, and it felt like they were looking back at the others' past.
Then abruptly, Tsuki got up and leaned over the bench to a yellow rose. She found some nearby clippers and clipped the rose at the bottom of its stem. Smiling, she handed it to Shuichi. "For you," she said. "It's a symbol of our friendship."
Kurama kindly accepted it and held it in his hand, just gazing at its petals. "Thank you, Tsuki."
Tsuki giggled. "It's no problem." Then she noticed the picture he was holding. "Hey, what's that?"
Kurama looked at her and then at the picture he was still holding. He chuckled. "Oh this?"
"Yeah." Tsuki nodded.
"It's a picture of my friends and myself when we went to a water park together," he explained.
"Oh, okay. May I see?" Tsuki asked politely.
Why not? Kurama thought.
"Sure." Kurama held out the picture to her.
Then, Tsuki held the picture and looked at each of them in the photograph, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, and then Kurama. Then she noticed the crack in the golden, intricate frame. "What happened to the frame?"
"Oh, nothing…I just…dropped something…on it," Kurama lied.
"Okay…" Tsuki handed him back the picture and Kurama put it inside the pocket of his jacket.
It's not over, Kurama and Tsuki both told themselves. I will live for myself…
…And for her, Kurama thought.
…And for Kurama-san as well, Tsuki thought.
Okay, there you have it – the eleventh chapter. Just to warn you, the next chapter is the last, but I'm also thinking of adding an epilogue chapter after that one. I really, really, really, really love this chapter. I think I did a very good job on it. Anyway, please review! (rubs hands together) All right, now I shall start on the twelfth chapter!
