"Good morning, Poe." Dr. Eila's hair is ruffled out of its usual neat bun, as though she'd pulled it together while running to the psych ward. When she enters, the nurse assigned to attend Poe smiles at them and walks out of the room, closing the heavy door behind her. Poe sits on the end of the cot, shoulders slumped, eyes fixed on his hands. The lockdown room is white and square and small as ever.

"Will you please let me out of here?" Poe's not going to bother with hello.

Dr. Eila's eyes tighten. "Our goal is to keep you safe, Poe. Right now, this is the safest place we've—"

"I don't care how safe you think it is, I am telling you that I do not feel safe in here!" His voice cracks.

Dr. Eila's face twists, pained. "Poe. I hear you. I understand. And I also am required to keep you in here until we can figure out a plan to keep you safe. Do you understand?"

Poe grinds his teeth to keep himself from screaming at her.

She presses her lips together. "Finn says he woke up this morning to find you pointing your blaster pistol at your head. He believes that you were going to kill yourself with it."

"I wasn't going to. I wouldn't do that."

"Then explain, please. What happened this morning?"

If he doesn't look at the walls, then they could be farther away than they are. Much farther away. Poe clenches his hands to keep himself grounded. "I woke up—" He pauses, corrects. "I had a nightmare, and then I woke up. I was—it took a moment—it was another one of those times. When nothing felt real. I was convinced I would wake up again and find myself back—" Hoarse breath. Continues. "I got up, tried to meditate, ground myself, get back to reality. Nothing worked. I kept thinking I was there, I was back there, I was killing—Doctor." Poe looks up at her, needing to make her understand. "I told you. I wanted to die there because it was the only way to stop killing—killing—but I couldn't, doctor, they pinned me to that thing, I couldn't—" Another breath. Onwards. "I—I took out my pistol this morning to remind myself that I'm not trapped there anymore." His voice falls, soft. "To remember that I'm free. I can choose. I don't—I wouldn't—" The words themselves press the walls a little bit further away from his body. Poe looks her in the eye. "I choose to live, Doctor. I swear it."

Dr. Eila's holds Poe's gaze, brow furrowed, lips pursed in thought. Finally she sighs. "Poe. I believe you."

"Then can I please—" Poe stands, but she holds up a hand, motioning him back down. He stays standing.

"Poe. You've been through a significant trauma. I understand that this time you did not actually intend to take your own life, but, Poe, the thought was there. Which means that next time—"

"There won't be a next time—"

"There might be, Poe, and we have to plan as though there will be. And the next time it happens, you may not be able to make the same choice. Our priority is to keep you safe," Dr. Eila presses. "I don't want to keep you in this room any more than you want to be here, but until you're more stable, this is the best place for you to be. We'll be able to talk about what happened in peace. Figure out some ways for you to handle thoughts like this without a blaster."

Poe stares at her. "In peace."

"Poe—"

"Dr. Eila. I know you're a reasonable person."

"Poe, it's regulation. I have to keep you here."

"Fuck regulation," Poe snarls, hanging tightly to the end of his rope. "Get me the fuck out of here!"

"Poe—"

"I wasn't, Dr. Eila, I wouldn't, I wasn't going to—you have to believe me—"

"I understand, Poe. We're trying to prevent it from happening again—"

"Please—" Poe's voice breaks.

"Dr. Eila?" Her comm crackles. "May I come in?"

Poe straightens, startled. Dr. Eila gives him a long look, then replies, "Yes, you may."

Rey pokes her head in the door, eyes darting between the two of them, before she enters.

Poe rubs his forehead, tired. "How did you get involved in this? Does everyone know?"

"No. Finn commed me. And once here, I—"

Felt him panicking, Poe knows, and also knows she's going to be careful not to say that she sensed him. Poe's eyes jump to Dr. Eila. "Can you leave us alone for a moment?"

Dr. Eila blinks. "Ah—yes, as long as Rey's here. Rey—"

Rey nods, regal. "I'll comm you if we need you."

With one last evaluative glance at Poe, Dr. Eila steps out. Rey turns to face Poe, silent.

"Finn told you what happened."

She nods.

Poe slides off the end of the cot, paces the small room. He turns back to Rey. "Is he—" He stops short, unsure what to ask.

"Hurt, scared, worried, guilty—"

"Fuck." Poe scrubs his hands through his hair, then spreads them towards her, willing her to believe him. "I wouldn't, Rey, I wouldn't. I promised him, and I meant it. I keep my promises."

"I know."

"He doesn't believe me."

"He's terrified for you, Poe."

Fuck.

Poe leans his forehead against the wall, then snaps back towards her. "They don't believe me, either."

"I know."

"They want to keep me here."

"I know."

"I can't— Rey, you know I can't—"

"You'll be all right, Poe. We'll stay in here with you until they let you go. You'll be ok."

"No," Poe growls. "I can't stay in here, Rey, fuck, they just let me out of this fucking—and now—" He kicks the cot, kicks it again. "Rey." He looks back at her. "Look inside my mind."

"What?" Rey backs away a step, hand to her throat.

"Please. I'm asking you, Rey. Please. Look. Tell them I'm not thinking about—that I don't want to—tell them. They'll trust you. And then they'll let me out. I'll still talk to them, Rey, I'll do whatever they want me to do, but I can't stay in this cell, you know I can't, I—"

Rey's eyes are huge. She's shaking her head. "No. No, Poe. I can't—I wouldn't do that to you—"

"I'm asking you to, Rey. It wouldn't be—" So many words chase between them, unsaid.

She clasps her elbows tight to her chest. "Poe—" Her brow is tightly furrowed. He waits.

"You want me to probe your mind."

"Yes."

"In order to get out of here."

"Yes."

"How can you possibly prefer—that—to this room?"

"Rey." When the gauze bandages on his wrists scrape against his forearms, Poe notices his hands are clutching his arms to his sides as tightly as hers. If he keeps his eyes trained on hers, he doesn't have to see the walls. Everything was fine until this morning, it'll be fine again, it'll be fine, but he needs to get out of this room. A few moments of having a Jedi scrape through his brains versus a week of being back in a cell, the chance to reassure Finn that he means what he says— "Please."

She hesitates.

"I mean, as long as you're ok with it," he adds. "If you don't want to, that's—" not ok, really not ok, but Poe drags the words out anyway. "That's ok. I'll be ok. You don't have to."

Rey raises one sardonic brow. "Poe, you are clearly not ok right now."

"Well, no, but still. You don't have to do it. I'd never make you."

She thinks it over for a long moment, watchful eyes probing his face nearly as closely as she could ever probe his mind. "Poe. We all want you to be ok again. If this will help, then—" She shrugs. "I don't want to go poking into your mind, but if it will help, I'm willing to do it. You'd certainly be more comfortable with me than with Master Luke. Do you—" Her lips bare in a sudden snarl. "Do you know how badly you scared Finn?"

Poe bows his head. "Yeah. I know. But I didn't mean to, Rey, I—"

"I know that. And if I can look at your memory of this morning, and explain it to him, he might be a little bit less scared for you. Which is also why I'm doing it. And when I'm done, and when he's ready to talk to you again, you two are going to have it out. Clear?"

"Yes."

Rey exhales, looks him up and down. "You're sure you want me to do this."

"Yes." No fuck no but yes, he has to get out of here, he has to make things right with Finn again.

Rey's eyes hold his for a long moment. Finally she nods. "Ok. I'll do it."

"Thank you."

Rey snorts. "Don't thank me yet. Let's just hope you're still breathing when I'm done."


Poe closes his eyes. They're sitting cross-legged on the cot, facing each other, backs straight. He listens to Rey's quiet breathing for a few moments, gathering calm into his bones. With his eyes closed, it's simple enough to step into the clearing, settle himself down in the warm grass, lie down on his back, stare up at the sky. Blue, endless blue, clouds, birds, soaring upwards, open space above and all around him.

He flips his palm up.

He can feel her before him, standing at the door to his mind. She knocks, polite. He opens the door, steps aside to let her in. She moves slowly, calmly, quietly. He slips back to the clearing for a moment, tries to stay there, but she's in his memories, sifting around, and she's being as gentle as she can but it still hurts, it hurts. Grass, warm sun, vast sky, he's safe, he wanted this—He finds the memory and shoves it at her, desperate for her to read it and leave. Her grip on his mind does not burn like Ren's, cracking through his identity, torching his memories, but she's there all the same, rifling through his thoughts, touching his self with clammily intimate hands, and he can't stand it anymore get out get out get out—

She's out. Poe opens his eyes, gasping for air, leans over the side of the bed and wills himself not to retch.

He doesn't.

She's silent.

It's many minutes before he can breathe normally again without wanting to puke, but at last he can, so he sits up— a little unsteady— and looks at her.

Rey looks back at him, concerned. "Are you ok?"

Poe takes a moment to think that one over. "Yeah?" he answers at last, still shaky. "Yeah. I think I am. Huh. Not that I want you to go doing this on a regular basis, or, for that matter, ever again, but—yeah. Right now. I'm—yeah. I'm more or less ok."

"Really?" Rey's face breaks into a sudden, glorious smile. "Poe. You did it."

"You did it. I just sat here and tried not to go nuts."

Rey shakes her head. "You let me into your mind without panicking. Or, ok, at least without panicking so badly that I had to get out before I saw the memory. I was starting to think I'd be the first one to lose it."

"I did." Poe blinks, nonplussed. "I did, didn't I? I did." He tilts his head, considers this. "I did. I really did."

Rey laughs. "You're stronger than you think, Poe."

"Am I? Huh." Poe's face lights up in a slow grin. "Maybe I am."

"You are, Poe. Really. You know, now that you've—mostly—overcome one trigger, why don't you stay in this room for a few days and work on that one, too?" To her credit, Rey doesn't even flinch under Poe's icy glare. "Or not. Ok. One at a time. Still, Poe. It's something to be proud of."

"You, too, Rey. Thank you for being willing to do it. Are you ok?"

Rey nods, steady. "Not as bad as I'd feared. It's completely different to be let into someone's mind, rather than shove my way in." The coiled braid atop her head (Jess' handiwork, most likely) stays put as she tilts her head for a moment, thinking. "Maybe I'll even try that with Jess sometime, if she likes the idea. Could be—entertaining." Rey slides him a devilish grin before hopping off the bed. "I'm going to go talk to the doctors. Wish me luck."

"Do you think they'll believe you?"

Rey looks back over her shoulder. "They'll believe me." Her lips curl up again, cocky.

"Rey—you could have gotten me out of here an hour ago!"

"What? No! Poe." She scowls at him. "I'm not going to Force-control them! Are you crazy? I'm going to clearly and reasonably explain what I saw. And then let them decide what they want to do. I want you alive, Poe," she presses, fierce. "Whatever they decide to do with the information, we will comply with. Ok?"

"No," Poe laughs. It's either that or scream, and he's really trying to keep it together, thanks very much. "No. Sure you can't—"

"No, Poe. Laserbrain," Rey mutters. She presses her comm. "Dr. Eila? Let me out?"


Water ripples gently against the shore. Swallows dart and dive over the surface like a peaceable squadron of X-wings. Speaking of squadrons, there's Blue overhead, screaming back to base after a full morning of training runs. The noise must cover the sound of footsteps, because although Rey doesn't even flinch, Poe's startled out of his skin when the voice comes from behind them.

"Hey."

"Hey, Finn." Rey smiles warmly up at him, slides to her feet with the elegant grace of a Caminoan.

"I'll take over now." Finn's avoiding Poe's gaze.

She nods. "Ok. I'll be in the sparring courts, training. Let me know when you'd like me or Jess to spell you for a while."

Spell him. Fucking Poe-watch. Some parole. Seven days of this, not a moment alone. But at least no cell, thank the Force. Or rather, thank Rey and her use of the Force.

Finn nods back. Rey leaves, feet quiet on the pebbled path. Finn stares out at the lake, lips trembling.

"Finn."

Silence.

Poe eases slowly to his feet, steps forward.

"Finn."

Finn turns to him with a furious glare. "If you ever do anything like that ever again—"

"I won't, Finn. I'm so sorry I scared you. You know I didn't mean—"

"Yeah, I heard, Rey told me, they all told me." A muscle jumps in his jaw. He presses on it hard to make it stop. "Poe. You have so many fucking choices now! You couldn't bring yourself back by choosing what shirt to wear, or what to have for breakfast? You had to fucking choose whether or not to continue living, Poe, that is not a choice you fuck around with!"

"I know that, Finn, don't you think I know that by now?" Poe's shouting back at him, wildly glad to finally find an outlet for the tension in his veins. He's never seen Finn this furious before. "I spent the last six months wanting to— fuck, Finn, you know what I—" Poe drags in a violent breath.

"I do know!" Finn screams back. "Do you think I like hearing that you wanted—wanted to—" He can't finish the sentence. Neither of them can.

"No more than I like remembering it!" Poe pulls at his hair, turns away, turns back. "But that's done, Finn, that's over, this is now, that's the whole point of this fucking—I wouldn't do that, Finn, I told you, I asked you to trust me—"

"I did trust you! And then I woke up see you pointing a blaster, Poe, a fucking blaster, at your head—"

"And you didn't even let me explain! You got me locked up in that fucking cell—Finn, you know—"

"I don't care how much you hate being locked up! If that's what it takes to keep you here, Poe, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'm not going to apologize for it."

Poe punches him. Finn catches his fist before it hits his face, thrusts Poe's arm aside, steps quickly back out of his reach. He's not going to pin Poe down again, but he'd rather not get punched if he can help it.

At this reminder that he's still not strong enough to put up a fair fight, Poe loses what little control he still has and lunges at Finn in a blind rage. Finn ducks under his arm and pins Poe's chest to his, tight enough to hurt. Their mouths meet with the instinct of long habit. Finn crushes Poe's mouth to his with barely restrained fury. Poe responds in kind, biting Finn's lip, gripping the back of his neck with bruising force.

"No." Finn pushes him away, breaks out of Poe's hands, steps back until he hits a tree. "No," he repeats, hoarse. "This is not going to help."

Poe presses his knuckles to his lips, panting. "How are we going to fix this, Finn?" His voice shakes.

Finn stares at him with dark-tunneled eyes. "Promise me you'll never do that again. Ever, Poe, ever again. You always say you're willing to die for me." Finn's voice is harsh and bruised. "I've never asked for that. I want you to live for me, and I know that's not a thing I can ask," and he's crying almost too hard to speak now, "but I'm asking it anyway, Poe, please—"

"I am, Finn, I'm trying. I promise. You've trusted me all along, through this whole fucking ordeal you've been the only one who's trusted me completely, Finn, and I need that," Poe's voice cracks. "I need that, Finn, I need you to trust me."

"I did trust you!" Finn shouts. "You broke that trust!"

"I wasn't going to do anything!" Poe roars back. "You wouldn't even listen to me! That's not trust, Finn."

"What would you have explained? " Finn screams at him. " There is no good reason for pointing a blaster at your fucking head, Poe, there just isn't, not in any galaxy, in any universe, in any —"

"I needed it to help bring me back! I had a nightmare, Finn, nothing felt real, I couldn't—"

"You had a nightmare? Poe! THIS IS MY FUCKING NIGHTMARE!" Finn wrenches away, hurls his fist into a tree—and collapses against it, face buried in his arm, braced against the trunk, shoulders shaking.

For a moment Poe can only stand there, paralyzed. The next moment he's behind Finn with no memory of how he got there, heart stuttering, wrapping his arms tightly around his lover's chest. Finn's body is rigid beneath his grasp. Poe lowers his head to Finn's back, eyes screwed shut, breath unsteady.

"Finn. Finn." He's not sure who's trembling now. Maybe both of them are. "Oh, Finn." Poe's throat burns. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you, Finn. I fucked up." He swallows roughly. "I'm sorry, Finn, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

The only time Finn is ever this silent is when he cries.

Finn's heart. Oh, Force. He's holding Finn's broken heart in his arms.

Poe holds on as tightly as he can, drags each breath through his throat. The minutes press on, strangling his chest, hammering against the base of his skull. Please, Force. Let him be ok. Help me make this right again.

At last Finn straightens. Turns. Leans back against the tree. He's drained. Completely drained. He stares at Poe. Poe stares back. Finn's chest rises, falls. Rises, falls. Poe's heart pounds in his ears. Their harsh breath echoes over the water.

Wind from the lake catches Poe's hair, blows dark curls across his forehead. Stubble-rough jaw, pain-lined mouth, bruise-sunken eyes. Late-morning sun glimmers over Finn's tear-streaked face. Bright black-brown, strong cheekbones, wounded eyes. The lovers' gazes each hold the other in place—caught, stilled. Drinking the other in.

"I told you my worst fear was losing you," Finn murmurs at last. "It's not. That's my second-worst fear."

"Finn—"

"My worst fear, Poe. It's losing you, even though you've come home. Not being able to pull you back to us, to me, to yourself. Watching you—" He presses his knuckles to his mouth.

"I won't. Finn." Poe's never meant anything more in his life. "I swear to you. I wasn't going to, and I never will. If there's any way out—I won't. You're going to have to believe me on that."

Finn's silent.

Poe waits. A crash harness constricts his ribs too tightly to breathe. He holds on tightly and waits.

"Why not?" Finn asks at last, voice rough. "Why won't you?"

Poe blinks, startled. "Why not—Finn. You really can't guess?"

Finn stares at him for a moment, blank. Slowly his eyes widen. An unexpected smile trembles onto his face, off again. "Really?" he whispers, hoarse. "Really?"

Poe's eyes are over-bright. "Really."

"But—is that—I mean—am I—is that a good enough reason?"

"Standing here, aren't I? Alive. With you."

Finn's face lights slowly, slowly, like the sun over the jungles of Yavin IV. "Yeah." Finn whispers. "Yeah. You are."

"Don't let it go to your head." Poe tries to grin, almost manages it, pulls in a shuddering breath instead. "There are a lot of other reasons too, you know. All of you—Snap, Jess, Rey, Karé. BB-8. The General. My squadron. Fighting for the Resistance. Crushing the First Order. My parents' memory. The way it feels to fly. The way it feels to fuck. And—" He takes another shaky breath, then continues, fierce, "And myself."

Finn's eyes are glittering again. "I'm glad," he manages at last. "That you have so many reasons. That they're enough to keep you here. Safe." With me, he continues, but his throat is too tight to speak. He reaches a tentative hand towards Poe.

Poe grabs the hand, holds it tight. "Can you—" Poe swallows hard. "Can you forgive me—for scaring you, this morning?"

Finn meets Poe's bruise-dark eyes, lifts their joined hands, runs a trembling finger along his lover's jaw. "Yes," Finn whispers at last. "I do forgive you. Please—for the love of the Force, please don't do anything like it ever again, but—I understand why you did it. I think. And I'm glad it helped." He takes a ragged breath. "I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to explain. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry I dragged you to them. Knowing they'd lock you up. Knowing—what that means to you."

Poe presses Finn's hand to his face. He closes his eyes, leans into the warmth of Finn's palm, takes a deep breath. "It's ok," Poe whispers back. "You—you did the right thing. Don't do it again, for the love of the Force, please —but it was the right thing to do, at the time, with what you knew. It could have—could have saved my life."

Finn slides his hand to the back of Poe's neck, draws him in close, buries his face in Poe's shoulder, wraps his other arm around Poe's waist — warm, strong, grounding. "What should I do next time?" he asks, words muffled. "How can I help? What do you need?"

Poe laughs softly. "Exactly that, Finn," he murmurs. "Ask me what I need. Listen to the answer. Trust me. Believe what I say, Finn, I—I need someone here who believes me." Poe swallows hard. "And—and just—" He's not sure why it's so hard to say. "Just—love me. Finn. Just be here. You're good at that, you know. It helps. Helps a lot."

"I'm glad," Finn whispers. He straightens, frames his lover's face in his hands. "Is that all?"

Poe blinks. "Yeah? I think so? Right now, at least."

"Ask you what you need," Finn repeats. "Listen to you. Trust you. Believe what you say. Love you. Poe." A trembling smile spreads across his face. "I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I can do that." Finn's smile lights his face as brightly as always, taking Poe's breath away for a moment.

"Ok. Ok." Poe draws him close again, rests his head on Finn's shoulder. "Ok. That's good. I'm glad. Ok." He takes a deep breath to steady himself. "What do you need? Is there anything I can do? I mean, other than not play with blasters." Poe pauses for a moment. "Too soon? Not funny? Too soon. Sorry."

Finn's back shakes under Poe's hands with a spurt of laughter. "Definitely too soon. Poe." He draws back to meet Poe's eyes. "But that would help, yes, that would really help a lot. I know you said you needed it, Poe, I know you said you weren't going to—but seriously, Poe, I don't think I can take any more of that. Ok?"

"I'm going to keep using weapons, you know. I'll be out on the target range again soon enough, once I'm recovered enough to start training again."

Finn snorts. "Yes. Well. If I could take you far away from here and wrap you in blankets and never let you near anything sharp or dangerous again, I would. Somehow, I doubt that's an option."

Poe laughs, clear and bright. "Damn straight."

"Figured as much," Finn sighs. "But—ok. What do I need?"

I need you to be ok. I need you to be happy. I need you to be safe. I need to crush the fucking First Order until they're a distant myth. I need you to promise me that we're going to live forever and ever, in peace, surrounded by everyone we love.

Finn's breath huffs short, helpless. "I need a lot of things, Poe." His voice is mostly steady. Mostly.

Poe's hands tighten on Finn's sides. He knows the feeling. "Yeah. Well. Um." He coughs. "Maybe I should rephrase that. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Finn draws back to meet Poe's eyes. His hands slide to Poe's arms, hold on tightly. "Tell me what's going on. Whatever you can. Tell me what you need, whenever you need it. I'll ask every time I can, but I won't always be able to. Like this morning—you could have woken me up, Poe. You've done that plenty of times before. Why didn't you—" Finn breaks off, bemused, as Poe collapses into a fit of laughter. "Uh…Poe?"

Poe braces his hands on his knees, gasping for air. "Finn. Oh, Force. Finn." He loses it again, scrubs a hand over his face, tries to sober up. "Right. Finn. Why—you know why didn't wake you up, this morning?"

"No," Finn sighs. "Which is why I asked. But I can wait. It's ok. Take your time."

"Nerfherder." Poe straightens up, swats his arm. "Finn. This morning. What I was feeling. It was—too much. So much more than before. I didn't wake you up because I didn't want to scare you."

Finn levels a steely glower at Poe. "Which is funny because…"

"Because…not waking you up ended up scaring you so much worse?"

"Which is funny because…"

Poe cocks his hands on his hips. "What else am I supposed to do? Scream? Finn." You know damn well why I snarked at Kylo Ren.

"Poe—"

"Which is why I'll wake you up next time," Poe sighs, concedes the point. "And try to tell you what's going on. What I need. Ok?"

"Thank you." Finn's hands stretch broad and strong over Poe's hips, pulling him close. Poe's hands slide down to Finn's waist, wrap around the warm column of his back. He leans his head on Finn's shoulder again, feels Finn's head lower to his.

"Finn." Poe says at last. He leans back, cups his lover's face in his hands to see his expression, tries to keep the desperate worry out of his voice. Mostly fails. "Are we going to be ok? Us, I mean."

"Poe." Finn's body tenses in Poe's arms. "Do you forgive me?"

"Finn." Poe strokes a thumb down Finn's cheek. "Yes. Do you forgive me?"

"Yes." Finn swallows hard. "I do. And—and you keep your promises, right?" His voice shakes.

"Always."

Finn nods, gathering strength. "Then I think we're going to be ok. Do you?"

Poe leans against Finn until their foreheads touch. "Yes. We will. We really will." Thank you. Oh, Force. Thank you. "I love you, you know that?"

"Love you too, Poe. Always." Finn's voice cracks. Gently, gently, gently, he leans in towards Poe and kisses him. Poe snags the back of Finn's neck to pull him in tight. Finn's mouth is lush as ever—pressing in hard, retreating softly, welcoming him in. He tastes like home, like trust, like love.

When they break apart for air at last, they're both a little flushed. Poe leans against Finn, exhausted and shaky, as the morning's adrenaline slowly leaves him. Finn's arms drop to the small of Poe's back to support him. Poe closes his eyes and tucks his head into Finn's shoulder.

Their bodies fit together as always, melting into the other's familiar shape. They rest beneath the tree's sheltering canopy, for a long time, quiet. Poe closes his eyes, listens to the lake, the swallows, the distant echoes of blaster practice from the base. Listens to Finn's heart, steady beat beneath his ear, matching his own. Feels a dark line of sutures pierce their bodies, pull tight.

His hands slide up to grip Finn's back, fingers spreading wide over muscle and scar.