I really don't like this chapter but i needed to get it out or else i would never be able to continue with the story. I know i usually do this as one chapter per character but i wanted to get Lily's emotional rollercoaster across first. Anyway, sorry if it's really bad. Like i said, it's my least favourite chapter but please let me know what you think anyway.
xxx
Instead of leaving for Quil's straight away, I wandered up the stairs into my newly decorated bathroom and started the water. I didn't want to face Jacob with a streaky red face and with lank, greasy hair. I stared at myself in the mirror over the sink and turned my lip up in disgust at my reflection. My face was paler than usual and blotchy and my dark hair was stuck to my forehead and my cheeks. My nose was bright red and runny. I was a mess. I turned the cold water on and splashed myself a few times before striping out of my sweaty clothes and stepping under the hot water. It felt amazing against my muscles and I stood, letting it soak me as I went over what had happened. Jacob, my Jacob, could turn into a giant, russet coloured wolf. How was that possible? One side of my brain thought I should go and collect the girls and run for the hills. But the other, slightly more rational part of my brain along with my heart were telling me to suck it up and apologise to him.
My shower was over far too quickly but I already felt so much better as I dressed in jeans and an old, La Push High sweatshirt that Jacob had given me to wear when he wasn't here. I didn't bother drying my hair or putting make up on as I slipped my feet into an old, beat up pair of Converse and grabbed my keys. After making sure the door was locked I paused, trying to remember which way Quil's house was. I had only been there once before when I had been picking Claire up for a shopping trip in the city. I'm sure Claire would think I was a complete bitch when she found out. Shaking the thought out of my head, I made my way towards the beach. I knew Quil owned one of the houses along the beach, I was sure I would be able to find it once I actually made it to the beach. The wind had picked up again and it whipped my wet hair against the side of my face, making me wince slightly as a strand caught the corner of my eye.
Quil's house was completely lit up and even from where I stood I could hear that there were a few people inside. My nerves returned and hit me full force and I froze in my spot. How could I face him in front of all his friends?
"Get a grip, Lily. You have to do this." I muttered to myself.
"Talking to yourself? You know that's the first sign of insanity?"
I screamed loudly as I spun unsteadily in the rocky sand. Abby stood behind me, a small smirk on her face as she took in my shocked expression.
"So, what is it exactly that you can do?" She asked conversationally as she sat on the ground, staring out at the dark water. She patted the rocky sand beside her and I slowly sat, shivering slightly despite the sweatshirt.
"I made a huge mistake." I muttered quietly. She nodded, running a hand through her recently dyed hair. It was a dark, cherry red now and it contrasted amazingly with her skin.
"Oh I know, I was here when Jacob came over. Muttering something about you, some guys in LA and monsters." She told me truthfully. "But it's okay."
I stared at her in disbelief. "How can it possible be okay? He hates me now. I called him a monster. He thinks I'm afraid of him."
"Yeah but you don't get it, Lily. Jacob can't hate you. He physically can't. The pack can't physically hate their imprints. Trust me, I tried everything to get Paul to hate me; things I still regret now even though we're together and he doesn't hold any grudges. God, I hate myself when I think of some of the things I've done. But the point is, Paul doesn't hate me and Jacob doesn't hate you."
I sat in silence, leaning my chin on my knees as I stared out. Abby sat beside me, singing an old punk song under her breath.
"And when you're down on your luck, hey baby it's a long, long way up, hold back now, hold back your fears… and when you're really down and out, and you feel like there's no way out now, let go now, let go of your tears…" I sang along quietly, not looking at Abby.
"I didn't know you liked punk music." She smiled at me. I shrugged, still avoiding her gaze. How could she sit there so calmly and act like I hadn't done anything wrong? She should hate me right now. She should be screaming at me, telling me I wasn't worthy of Jacob. Maybe she should even resort to violence.
"I like a lot of different kinds of music." I finally replied. I glanced back at Quil's house again. Abby chuckled as she clocked the glance. She stood up, stretching gracefully.
"Alright then, let's go get him."
I shook my head. I still wasn't ready to go inside and face them all yet. Maybe Jacob on his own, but not everyone.
"Do you want me to ask him to come outside?" She asked me softly. I looked up at her and nodded slowly.
"Hey, Abby." She turned on her way to the house and smiled at me. "Thanks."
She nodded with another, softer, smile and I turned back around. I hummed softly to myself for a few minutes while I waited, my heart beating a lot faster than it normally does. What the hell was I going to say to him? Somehow sorry just didn't seem enough. Begging might work but I had never been one to get down on my knees and plead for forgiveness. But for Jacob, I was sure I could bite back my pride.
The minutes dragged on like hours and after a while I was sure he wasn't going to come out. So Abby had been wrong, I decided as I stood up and brushed myself down, Jacob did hate me. I felt a tear slide down my face but didn't move to wipe it away.
"Lily."
I spun in my spot again, this time succeeding in falling over in the sand. From my spot on the ground I looked up at Jacob. His head was down, his eyes hidden from my view. He was wearing the same jeans and shirt as earlier, his large hands tucked into the pockets of the jeans as his shoulders hunched over in that protective pose again; as if he expected me to say something hurtful. Again.
"Jacob." I muttered, pulling myself up again. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure myself that he was here, in front of me, but I held back. I was afraid he would reject me this time. My resolve lasted only a few seconds, though, and then the silence became unbearable. Before I could think twice about it, I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his thick neck and burying my face in his shoulder, crying softly and muttering apologies against the soft material of his shirt. To my amazement, his arms came around me immediately, lifting me off the sand slightly as he buried his own face against my neck.
"I thought you hated me." He murmured softly, his hot breath against my skin causing me to shiver. He tightened his grip for a moment before setting me down, looking at me carefully. "Do you hate me, Lily?"
"God no." I shook my head, the tears still falling. He reached a hand up and brushed them away carefully. "I was just… God, Jacob, you just caught me by surprise. Why didn't you tell me before?"
He shrugged, holding his hand out for me to take. We strolled down the beach slowly, the silence comfortable. Eventually he broke it.
"I wanted you to get to know me before I told you. I wanted you to fall for me, Jacob Black, rather than falling for me as a werewolf, you know? I wanted you to want me because you liked me and not because you knew that I had imprinted on you, that I would do anything you want me to do."
I was silent as he spoke, my mind racing once more at the mention of imprinting. I couldn't fully understand it and I wasn't sure I wanted to. Surely that meant that Jacob didn't love me for me, he simply loved me because some part of his werewolf genes were forcing him to and I didn't like that idea.
"And," He continued. "I was afraid of your reaction. I knew you would be frightened. I knew you would think I was… a…"
"God, Jacob, I don't think you're a monster." I interrupted him loudly. We were close to my house now and I sped up a little, wanting to get inside. I could feel the cold air seeping through the thick cotton of the sweatshirt and into my skin. Jacob easily kept my pace and we were silent until we were inside again. I sat on the couch, pulling my knees up under me and stared at him as he sat facing me, at the opposite end of the seat.
"Jacob I… I never thought you were a monster. If I had thought about what I was saying, I would never have said it, okay? You're the nicest guy I've ever met and I never meant to say anything to hurt you but you caught me off guard, okay?" I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my cold, damp hair. "You can't just tell a girl that you're a mythical creature and that you're her mythical soul mate and expect her to take it in her stride. I mean, as far as I was concerned you were this amazing guy who has actually made me feel like I have a good life for the first time in almost a year and I thought that was because you loved me or were falling for me or whatever and then you tell me you're a… a werewolf and the only reason you love me is because it's in your DNA and I'm sorry, Jacob, but I freaked out a little. I couldn't help it."
He was staring at me, his mouth parted slightly in surprise.
"You silly, silly woman." He muttered after a minute or so of silence. I stared at him in confusion. This was not the way I expected this conversation to go. "God, Lily, I don't love you because some fault in my DNA demands that I do; I love you because you are the only person for me in this world. The wolf part of me simply allows me to recognise that but even without it, I would still love you. I'm meant for you Lily, I was made with you in mind and you can hate me and order me away, whatever you want, but I will always be near you, making sure you're safe and happy."
I fell silent again, replaying his words slowly in my mind. So he wasn't exactly being forced to love me but it still wasn't as if he was getting a choice in the matter. I turned to look at him as he startled chuckling.
"It's not like anyone who's in love really has a choice though, right?" He asked softly. I stared at him in horror. "You can read my mind? I mean, Sam said something about that, but I thought he meant that only the… the wolves could read each other's minds?"
Jacob laughed harder and shook his head. "You said that out loud, sweet heart."
I felt the heat rush into my face and tried to avoid his eyes as he chuckled for a few more seconds. The silence that fell now wasn't uncomfortable, but there was a slight tension that still hung in the air.
"So you don't hate me?" He asked uncertainly after a few minutes. I shook my head and picked at my nail polish.
"I can't hate you Jacob. I don't have any more of a choice than you do." I assured him. He smiled and moved slightly closer to me. I felt the heat seep into me immediately and moved unconsciously closer to him, sighing happily as his arm wrapped around my shoulder and letting my head fall against his chest.
"I was so afraid that you were going to run from me." He murmured against my hair. "Jesus, Lily, you're going to catch a cold." He told me in alarm. His arm tightened and I sighed in contentment, unable to worry about catching a cold when he was so close to me, his scent and heat surrounding me.
