Chapter 11 – Question of Intention
Jane stretched lazily as she slowly came awake, feeling utterly relaxed and content. A happy sigh escaped her. She couldn't remember the last time she felt this good.
The events of the previous night filtered back in and she smiled a little. She reached out searchingly for Loki, but the bed was empty beside her. She sat up, confused, and looked around, only to find that her surroundings had radically changed. She wasn't in her room. She wasn't even on Asgard anymore – she was in her old bedroom on Earth.
Panic started to overwhelm her as she tried to figure out what had happened. How could she suddenly be back on Earth? Wasn't she still a danger to others? "Loki?" she called out nervously.
Only the still darkness of her bedroom answered her.
Had she dreamed it all?
She nearly leapt out of her skin as Loki answered "I'm here," from the far corner of her room. It was dark enough that she hadn't noticed him at first but as her eyes adjusted, she could see that he was sitting at the small desk she kept in her room, just barely illuminated by the moonlight.
He looked so out of place there. Dark and imposing and larger than life. He was fully dressed again and he looked utterly other-worldly just sitting there, one of her old journals clasped in his hand as he glanced over the pages casually.
She bristled a little that he didn't seem to have any qualms about going through her research before everything suddenly clicked into place at once. He was here! On Earth!
She leapt out of the bed, wrapping a bedsheet around her naked form hastily as she started towards him in a panic. She nearly winced as the quick movements caused the soreness in her nether region to protest but she ignored it. "Loki! What are you doing?! You aren't allowed to leave the palace! We need to go back, right now, before anyone notices. They'll put you back in that cell!"
Loki didn't move an inch but a small smile quirked his lips as a short, exhaled laugh escaped him. "They could try," he replied, seemingly amused by the prospect.
Baffled by his calm disregard, Jane could only stare at him in shocked silence. She felt like she was having a mini heart attack and he just sat there, continuing to study the journal in his hand like he didn't have a care in the world.
And it was in that moment that she realized something was terribly wrong.
"Loki…" She kept her voice calm as panic swarmed inside her. "What did you do?"
He looked up at her at last and set her journal back down on the desk. His clear green eyes held hers with unwavering conviction. He titled his head to the side as his eyes narrowed. "I saved you."
Jane's brow furrowed at his response, but her confusion lasted only a few moments. He was right. The Aether… she could tell it was gone now. She could hardly believe she hadn't noticed it until just now. She'd been feeling more and more drained the past few weeks. As if there was something continually sapping at her strength.
And that feeling had completely vanished…
Instead of feeling elated by the knowledge that she was finally free of the Aether, she felt an overwhelming sense of dread settle around her like a shroud. He wasn't telling her everything.
"How?" she asked quietly, afraid of what his answer might be. Her mind had already jumped ahead several places, but she fought against the inevitable conclusions it made.
He held her gaze for a moment longer, quietly assessing her, before he tilted his head up slightly, allowing the pale moonlight streaming in through her window to illuminate his face. She watched in horror as his clear green eyes bled to solid black, then returned to clear green pools she loved a moment later.
Jane backed up instinctively, nearly tripping on the sheet wrapped around her.
Loki smirked, tilting his head to the side. "Now I hope you're not feeling afraid of me again, are you Jane? Not after what we've shared," he added huskily.
Jane stood frozen in place. It felt like all the blood had drained out of her, leaving behind a coldness that made her shiver.
The Aether wasn't inside of her anymore.
Because now, it was in him.
He narrowed his eyes and stood, watching as Jane backed up again on reflex. He dropped his head, a dark laugh escaping him. "No. I guess you're right." He looked up into her eyes, his expression cold. "You should be scared of me."
"Why?" she asked, nearly in tears. "Why did you…"
"Why?" he repeated in disbelief. "To save you. It was obvious no one else was going to do it. So I did."
"How?" she demanded again.
He chuckled darkly, looking down at the ground for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "Ah, Jane, Jane, Jane. Always looking for answers, always wondering, always searching…" He turned away from her, facing the window as he gazed out upon the world he had nearly conquered during his last visit here.
"It was ridiculously simple, actually. So much so that I'm not sure why I didn't think of it myself." He turned back towards her and closed the distance between them, smiling at her bravery as she held her ground this time. "Due to our relationship as soul mates, the Aether is unable to distinguish my aura from yours. To it, we are essentially the same being. The Aether chose you as its host and never would have allowed itself to become vulnerable by removing itself from you unless it was forced to or unless it was tricked into doing so. The Aether does not read me as a separate entity but as an extension of you. Once I created a connection between us, it flowed into the part of 'you' that it read as having greater stability; I'm stronger and longer-lived, which better ensures its chances of survival. All I had to do was create a connection, the Aether did the rest."
Jane felt her eyes drop to the floor during his explanation, a numbness sweeping over her as he spoke. Connection? Memories of the night before flashed through her mind, and she felt her chest tighten.
She looked back up at him, betrayal tearing at her insides. "A connection? Is that what you call it?" she whispered, her voice pained and angry. "I think you did a little more than just create a connection."
He smirked then, just barely stifling a laugh as he nodded his head. "Ah, yes, well, I do believe you humans have a saying for it, do you not? 'Waste not, want not', I believe?"
Jane felt like he had slapped her. Tears burned in her eyes, and she backed away from him, stopping only when the back of her knee hit the edge of her small bed. She started to stumble slightly but caught herself just as he took a step towards her.
Jane held up a hand haltingly as she used the other one to keep the sheet wrapped around her, making it clear she didn't want him coming any closer. "You have what you want then, don't you?" she choked out. She met and held his eyes as a tear spilled over and ran down her cheek. "You should just go." Her voice shook and she looked down, refusing to look back up again and allow him to see her cry. "Thank you, for saving me," she added quietly.
Loki stared at her small form, her face lowered and shoulders trembling, and felt darkness fall over him. Crushing him with its weight.
It's fine, he told himself.
He deserved to feel this. Because this is what he did.
He broke things.
He turned, ready to leave this place and never return, when her words stopped him.
Her voice was quiet, muffled in the darkness of the small room.
"You told me before that this is what you wanted: to hold the power of the infinity stones. Now that you have one again, what will you do?"
He remained silent.
"Will you attack Earth again?" she asked when he didn't answer. Despite everything he had just said, everything he had done, she hoped it would be different this time, now that he knew she called this place home. Would he still try to enslave humanity when he knew she might be one of the subjects he crushed beneath his rule?
He remained silent. Several moments passed in the still darkness between them.
"Why did you do it?" she whispered. It was an incredibly dangerous question to ask. But she was unable to keep herself from asking him it any longer. It was a question she had wanted to ask him from the first time she met him.
The only thing she couldn't overlook. The only thing she couldn't pardon.
"Why did I do what?" he asked callously, even though he knew exactly what she was asking.
"Why did you kill all of those people? Attack New York? Try to take over Earth? Any of it? It just doesn't make sense. How could you…" She felt her voice break a bit, her words dying away.
He scoffed lightly, still refusing to turn back and face her. "Oh, it makes perfect sense. It's what I was born for. It's what I am. It's what I've always been. A monster."
Jane shook her head. Despite everything he'd done, she wouldn't let him label himself as that. "You're not. It isn't that simple. You have people that love you, a family…"
He cut her off, whipping back to face her as pain bled into his stony voice. "It is that simple. I'm not human. I'm not Asgardian. I am a Frost Giant. A monster that lives for destruction and war. Odin plucked me from that frozen world of monsters, just one more trophy to prove his worth as king. I'm not his son. I'm not Thor's brother. I'm not their family. Not one of them. Not even the same as them. A monster. That's all I am and all I can ever be. What point is there in trying to be anything different?"
There was no point. He already knew that.
He had tried to prove he was different once. Had tried to annihilate that entire race of monsters from existence to prove he was nothing like them and never would be. To prove he could protect their world from its enemies and to prove himself worthy of being king.
But even that attempt had been met with stark rejection. Nothing could clean the blood in his veins. Nothing could make him good enough. In fact, it only seemed to prove himself as even more of a monster in their eyes.
So why try?
Jane stood in silence, overwhelmed by the pain she could feel pouring off of this broken man before her. He was hurting. Had always been hurting since he learned that he wasn't related to those he had always thought his family and that he was actually their enemy instead. The shock of it must have been extreme. The sense of betrayal, of doubt; never truly knowing if he could trust another's love for him.
It had been different for her. She had known from the very beginning that she was alone; that she had no family. But Loki had had the rug ripped out from under him, shaking his sense of stability and faith. To suddenly find that his father was not his father, that his mother was not his mother… That he might have been taken in like some stray someone had to take care of.
She knew the feeling too well.
It made sense now how he could be so cruel. He'd been abandoned by his real family, cast aside like he was nothing. Had believed he had a family, only to find out it wasn't truly his, and that his own never wanted him.
It reminded her of something she had seen with other foster kids so many times as she was growing up in the foster home. Some of the kids were so badly broken by their pasts that they couldn't accept it even when someone truly reached out to them. Time and time again, she would see the same kids taken in by a foster family, only to be back at the foster center a few weeks later.
It was the same thing every time: a family would take them in, bring them home, but it was nearly impossible to ever feel at ease in a foster home. Always questioning why. Why they wanted you. What they might really want instead. Because it couldn't possibly be you.
It could never be you.
Your own family hadn't wanted you.
Jane hadn't had the same issue because she was wired very differently than the others. She didn't care about being loved. She had only wanted one thing: to make herself into someone who never needed anyone. She'd been extraordinarily lucky when a very caring couple had taken her in and given her the ability to pursue that dream, and even more fortunate that she'd been able to find at least some modicum of home with them.
But for most of the other foster kids, she knew it had been very different. Deep down, they wanted love, but they were so deeply scarred, they couldn't see it even when it was there. So they would act out. Test the limits of this so-called "unconditional" love parents were supposed to provide, because surely no such thing existed.
It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it only served to confirm their worst fear, over and over again.
That no one could ever truly love them.
Jane realized now that Loki was very much the same as those broken children. Untrusting of the love others held for him and testing it continuously to find its inevitable limit.
Only, instead of being a young, scrawny teenager with attitude issues, he was a god, capable of so much more damage.
Images of the devastation in New York that she'd seen on TV filled her head. The chaos and death…
He'd called himself a monster. And as much as that revealed that he saw wrong in what he had done, it also displayed an acceptance of it. Because monsters didn't change.
He'd gone down the wrong path for so long, he didn't know the way back anymore. He was lost.
And what was worse, was that he likely didn't want to be found. Because there was only one thing worse than acting out and being condemned for your sins.
And that was to repent, only to find that you would not be forgiven.
Loki was trapped in a snare of his own making. He couldn't stop now, he'd gone too far.
Because if he asked for forgiveness now, it wouldn't only be his behavior that risked the rejection he feared.
It would be him.
She understood that fear but knew she couldn't allow him to give into it any longer. She had to convince him that he didn't need to push everyone away in order to protect himself. She had to try to reach him.
Loki sighed, bringing Jane out of her thoughts. He started towards the door again, seemingly done with sharing.
Without intending to, Jane rushed forward and grabbed onto his arm. She couldn't just let him leave like this, and so she pleaded with him.
"You can fix this, Loki. You just have to tell them that you're sorry and…" her words ended abruptly as he whirled around to face her. He looked angry and desperate and just broken.
"And what?" he demanded incredulously. "You foolish mortal. It cannot be undone. Nothing that I've done can be made right. They cannot be brought back and I cannot be saved." His voice became choked, and his eyes gleamed with tears. "There is no redemption. Not for monsters like me."
He turned away from her again, unable to look her in the eyes any longer. Tears ran down his face.
"No redemption. There's only more chaos," he added hollowly and Jane felt her eyes fill with tears.
"Loki," she cried, her voice breaking. She wanted to tell him he was wrong. Wanted to tell him everything would be alright. Wanted to do anything she could to untie the noose he'd wrapped around his neck.
But she didn't know how to save him from himself.
"Loki," she tried again, desperate to keep him with her. "Please," she whispered, not even sure what she was asking for.
He turned to face her and she reached for him again, only to have him step away. "Don't you realize you're free now? The Aether is no longer inside you, won't strike out at others anymore. Which means you can be with Thor again," he added bitterly.
She processed this information, truly not having realized it until he said so, but found it didn't change how she felt at all in that moment.
She didn't want to be with Thor. She knew what she wanted. And she wanted this damaged man standing before her. Not because he was perfect or anything else hopelessly ideal but because he was broken. He was broken just like she was, but somehow, their broken pieces fit together. Completed each other and eased each other's suffering. Made each other whole again.
He'd saved her.
And now, she wanted to save him.
Just as she stepped towards him to tell him that, a brilliant, riotous light from outside filled her bedroom. Her brain had just barely processed the feeling of déjà-vu as Thor stormed into the room, his cape flapping behind him. Jane wrapped the sheet around her more protectively, suddenly feeling more exposed than she had before.
He barely glanced at her as he bellowed at his brother in anger. "Loki! What is the meaning of this? Have you gone mad? Do you intend to have father execute you?! And to bring Jane with you. What were you thinking of, moving her in her condition?"
"Her condition?" Loki asked plainly. "She seems to be rather well, I'd say." Loki nodded toward Jane, who squirmed as both brothers turned to look at her at once.
Jane nodded minutely. "I-It's true, Thor. I'm fine now," she reassured him in a nervous voice as he looked at her disbelievingly.
Thor stared at her in awed confusion for several moments. "How did this happen?"
Jane's brain struggled to come up with an answer that would satisfy Thor's question without revealing too much, but she couldn't think of anything. She didn't want to tell him this now, not with Loki right there. It was already going to be so hard to explain it to him that…
"She gave it to me," Loki replied easily, pausing as he allowed it to sink in for Thor that the Aether was inside him now.
He smiled wickedly, watching the look on Thor's face contort into apprehension. It seemed his brother, dull as he was, realized the impossibility of taking him on now that the Aether resided inside him. Jane had no idea how to wield the power that had run through her veins. Loki was a different story. "Well, that isn't all she gave me, but then that's another conversation, isn't it?"
Jane felt her heart drop into her stomach. She watched in horror as Loki's words sunk in and Thor turned to face her slowly. She could only look at him with anguished regret in her eyes as he stared at her in utter disbelief.
He shook his head in denial as he stepped towards her but he kept staring at her, scrutinizing her. She watched as his eyes dropped down slowly to the bedsheet wrapped around her. She gripped it more tightly as she watched the terrible dawning comprehension in his eyes.
She wouldn't need to explain anything to him now…
Because now, he already knew she'd betrayed him.
The apology she owed him so dearly caught in her throat and she thought she might choke on it.
I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Tears filled her eyes.
And anger filled her heart.
She'd thought Loki was beginning to care for her. Otherwise, she never would have allowed what happened between them last night to happen in the first place.
But he'd just proved without a doubt that he didn't care for her at all. He'd only used her to gain control over the Aether. And then he'd thrown it in Thor's face just how he'd attained such a great and terrible power.
Even if there hadn't been a good way to tell him, she hadn't wanted Thor to find out like this…
And now he'd probably never forgive her.
Livid from the overwhelming betrayal, Thor turned to leave, and Jane rushed forward to stop him. She couldn't let him go without explaining herself to him. She couldn't allow him to believe she'd meant to hurt him. She gripped his wrist, holding on even as he tried to shake her off. "I'm so sorry, Thor! I didn't mean to betray you like this. I never meant to…" she fell silent, her words choked by her sobs.
Loki watched them in silence, pain stabbing through his chest with her every word. Why was he surprised she'd regret him? Didn't everyone?
He watched as Thor glanced back at her, pain and conflict swimming in his eyes. It was clear he still couldn't disregard her, no matter how much she'd betrayed him. It just proved how weak he was.
It was a weakness he'd always loathed. Always hated Thor for having. How weak, that he could allow himself to fall. And for a mortal at that.
But it was a weakness he could no longer fault him for.
Because he was weak too.
Unable to watch the troubled lovers for another moment, Loki chimed in then, breaking the silence. "Well, I'll be on my way then. Let you two catch up." Pain was wholly absent from his voice, even as it snaked around his heart, constricting it with his every breath. This was what he did best: pretend.
Loki walked past them as he headed towards the door, stopping momentarily as he reached it. "She's all yours brother…" He cast a glance back at Jane then, trying to memorize her face as he gazed upon it for the last time. Her eyes were red and glassy, but she looked so incredibly beautiful to him in that moment. He wished he could see her smile one more time.
But that was why he was doing this, he reminded himself. So she could smile again. Thor could make her happy. Whereas he could only ruin her.
He'd saved her from the Aether.
And now, he would save her from himself.
A sad smile pulled at his lips as he bid them his final parting words. "But then… she always has been."
Author's notes: I don't know if I'm just getting into this story too much or if my writing was actually that emotive, but I actually teared up quite a bit while writing Loki's dialogue. It sounds weird saying it, but it would mean so much to me to know if it got you to cry too!
