Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Jack's First Dog
He had expected it. There always came a time when a wee laddie would stumble over a doe-eyed ball of fur with a wet nose and be seized by an unshakable notion he has found a friend for life. Teague regarded six-year-old Jack Sparrow. His offspring was grinning in the belief that Jack Sparrow could get away with everything he asked of his da. Not this time.
"Da, can we keep him please?"
Teague was going to have to put his foot down hard. "No."
"But, da, he's such a friendly pup and…"
"Jackie boy, that mutt is a goddamned giant hound who's gonna have us out of provisions ere we set sail…" Teague glanced at the beast, whose tail was merrily wagging away, beating a tattoo on the bulwarks. Jack claimed he found the creature in an alley and he followed him on board. If only it had been a small dog like a rat-terrier or spaniel. "He's gonna git in de way of our work and be nothin' but a nuisance."
Jack's 'puppy' was a fully-grown monster the size of a small cow. Said mutt was now helping himself to the ham Teague was intending to have cooked for their dinner. The dog was so huge that the crate below creaked ominously under his weight. Sensing their dinner ham in danger, Honest Tom and Mister Hobbs were trying to dislodge the beast but they could not make him budge an inch. With a loud groan, they watched as the ham disappeared down the dog's gullet. Having finished the crew's ham dinner, the mutt yawned and settled down for a nap, right on top of the navigator and first mate, forcing a stream of hearty curses from the pair. There was an audible cracking sound as someone's rib broke.
Teague shouted for the rest of the crew to move the beast before the two men were crushed to death. With a good deal of shoving and pushing, the men rescued Honest Tom and Mister Hobbs. The wounded men were hurriedly carried below for the doctor. The dog slept through the commotion. He was large that when he rolled over, he blocked the stairs to the aft-deck.
"Ye can't git him off the Misty Lady, da. And ye have to leave on evening-tide. So I git to keep de doggy, savvy?" Jack pointed out mischievously. The lad had a point. No one was budging that mutt.
Teague groaned. "What will ye be callin' this mutt?"
"Nuisance, Just Nuisance!" Jack Sparrow chirped.
Teague forced a wry grin in reply. He had two hours before the tide turned against them and he hoped they would be able to get their work finished before then. No mean feat with that infernal hound. Teague shouted out a warning a second too late as Four-Eyes Joe tripped over an outstretched paw and fell headlong over the side. The dog only cocked an ear at the splash of the luckless pirate landing in the harbour.
"Eddie Teague! What's dis I spy?" Granny Grace poked her head out of the hatch at the commotion. She had been napping below in the galley until that splash roused her. Teague wondered what she would make of the giant hound.
"Me pet doggy, Gran," Jack grinned. "His name's Nuisance!" the exuberant boy threw his arms round the sleeping dog's neck.
"Nay, it ain't," Granny Grace murmured and lit her pipe. "His name is Dinner Tonight… Ah have a nice recipe for stewed dog haunches… Don't mind me, wee Jackie. Cosy up to 'im all ya want. Tonight he's sleepin' in our bellies…" the sea cook disappeared below deck and the sounds of the whetstone being spun drifted up. Jack Sparrow stared at his da in disbelief. The grin on his face had died.
Please tell me she was jesting… Jack's eyes pleaded silently. Before the captain could reply, Granny Grace popped her head back up and raised the axe she had been sharpening. "Think it's sharp nuff, mon capitane? Should git a barrel to catch de blood once de head comes off… Go on, Jackie. I'm sure ya want to help us hold 'im when…" The afternoon sun glinted off the wicked blade. "We could have doggy meatballs, salty-dog ribs… He sure has more than enough meat ta go round…"
Paling visibly, Jack leapt to his feet and hastily prodded the dog onto his paws. Without a word, he took the dog by the scruff of the neck and steered him towards the gangplank. Still stone-faced, he led the sleepy mutt onto the docks. The mutt yawned and settled back to sleep on a crate of salt-fish left out on the docks. Jack Sparrow returned to the ship alone.
"I don't wanna have a dog, da," he said quietly.
"Not this time, Jackie. Sorry but he's too much dog for our old ship," Teague ruffled his son's hair fondly. He hugged him as the boy wept into his shirt.
"Grace O'Nelly," Teague admonished his cook quietly once they had left port. "That was unnecessary. Poor Jackie's still cut up about that damned mutt." His son had cried as he waved farewell to his mutt. For his part, the dog, unfeeling ingrate, had just yawned and trotted off after a skinny brown bitch without a care in the world. Young Jack had complained of a tummy-ache and gone to his hammock without dinner or even his rum ration.
"Necessary ill, captain. Ye wouldnae have handled havin' that mutt on board," Granny Grace shrugged as she spooned out a dollop of her seafood stew. She grinned wickedly. "Though I do hav those recipes on hand… If ye be hankering for doggy ribs, just git me a hound-dog and we could…"
"I'll pass on the dog…" the captain took his bowl from her. There was a shrivelled piece of fish in the stew and some unrecognizable nuggets which could be shrimp. Poor Jackie boy. Perhaps the next time he asked…
A few months later…
"Da, da! Can I keep him? Please?" Jack Sparrow chirruped. Feathers flew. Squawks and angry curses broke the peace on decks.
"Git this infernal hell-chicken off me!" Granny Grace howled as she tried to defend herself against the beak and talons of a large macaw. She tried to grab the bird with her meaty hands but the bird was too agile and quick for her. If she had, she would definitely have wrung its neck.
"Ye shouldn't hav talked of cookin' 'im, Granny. They say parrots are smart," Jack Sparrow taunted. Teague glanced at the livid sea cook, the flapping bird and his son's earnest young face.
"Jack Sparrow! If ye don't git dis feather-duster away from me… Argh! Teague, come give me a hand ere!" Granny Grace thundered towards the captain. She was bleeding from the nose and cheek where the bird had clawed her. Blinded by the bird's flapping wings, she could not stop herself in time, barrelling straight into the hapless Teague. With a resounding splash, both sea cook and captain fell over the side and into the harbour. Treading water, Teague looked up at his son peering over the side. The prospective pet parrot pooped on his upturned face. Teague spat and wiped his face with his hand.
"Er, I guess that's a no, right da?" Jack peered over the side warily with the parrot crowing his triumph overhead.
"NO!" both father and grandmother shouted as one.
Author's Notes:
And poor Jackie boy has no pets because his da and granny said so.
There was a naval dog named Just Nuisance who served in South Africa during WWII. He was a Great Dane. He is the inspiration for Jack's dog. About dog-meat, well, there are places where it is on par with chicken or mutton but I don't think either Teague or Jack Sparrow would be too keen on having mutt on their plates.
