Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Chapter 11

A week before Christmas and Adam and Carrie still weren't home. It was four days until Adam's eighteenth birthday and he was going to be spending it in Neah Bay; although most of our friends were going to drive up there to join in the party his aunt was hosting. He had come out to the rest of his family and admitted he had a boyfriend, apparently they had all taken it rather well and no one seemed to have a problem with it. Since Adam had gone for years without bringing a girlfriend home or even showing any interest in girls, a few of them had suspected he was gay anyway. The only person who had shown any animosity was his grandfather who was a bit harsh with him for a few days, then Carrie spoke with her father and it had been okay since.

I had been agonizing over his birthday present; being only four days before Christmas made it difficult and I knew I wanted to get him something special since it was his eighteenth, not just a shirt or a CD or books. In the end I called a newer friend for help, and they provided, big time. I was pretty sure he was going to be stoked and I'd wrapped the gift and set it in the bottom of my closet days ago.

The days were passing slowly, dragging to the point of exhaustion at times but the weeks seemed to pass quickly. I was welcome at the Hawk's home on the weekends even though they made me sleep on the fold out couch in the den; what Carrie's sister didn't know was that Adam snuck down on those nights and slept in my arms. Carrie knew. She covered for us a few times. Although accepting, Adam's family were not enamored with the idea of under age, premarital gay sex. It was a lot to take in all in one go.

We had arranged for a couple of cars to drive the couple of hours up to Neah Bay for Adam's birthday party; I was riding with Sam and Emily because I wanted to stay after the party. The rest of the pack and a couple more of our friends from school were coming and Bella had given me a card when I had seen her earlier in the week to pass on. I was really touched; she knew that I couldn't invite her to the party, she was still too young a vampire and what with all the werewolves there it just wouldn't work. But she still wanted to do something nice for my boyfriend. I guessed we really were on our way to being friends again.

My leg was twitching during the entire drive up and Emily had a couple of sympathetic smiles for me as I ground my teeth in frustration. Sam wasn't quite as patient, he kept smacking my leg. As soon as we pulled up in front of the house I was out of the car; others had arrived in front of us so Adam was already outside. He was dressed casually; a white t shirt underneath a plaid shirt and jeans, but he looked so fucking hot it hurt. His hair was pulled back and he looked like he hadn't shaved in about a week, he was all fuzzy and I wanted to lick it. He jogged up to me and pulled me tightly into his arms.

"I missed you," he breathed into my ear, a familiar greeting.

"Happy Birthday," I smiled and he kissed my neck a few times.

"Thanks. Come in."

We sat around the huge kitchen, me on the counter leaning against the fridge as Adam opened the gifts people had bought him. There were kids about so it wasn't really a big drinking sort of party but I had a beer anyway, needing to relax a bit around all the people. We hadn't been out as a couple long enough to have learned how to cope in this sort of situation; I didn't know where our boundaries were.

I didn't want a massive deal made out of me giving him my gift so I called him over after he'd opened a set of oil paints from Emily. "Here," I said, holding out a card file wrapped in silver paper.

"Thank you," he said and settled between my knees to open it. We were close but not offending anyone, or at least I hoped. Adam pulled the sheet of paper out and his eyes went wide as he realized what I had given him.

"Katie sends her love," I whispered before his lips came crashing down on mine. I laughed at his enthusiasm and kissed him softly then pulled back. "Do you like it?"

I had called Adam's tattoo artist when he had mentioned getting tattoos as a symbol of our relationship instead of wearing traditional wedding rings. She had designed a black hawk that fit with both my wolf and Adam's tribal design; it would blend the two styles perfectly. She had emailed me a couple of rough sketches and when I had picked one she drew it up to scale and sent me a hard copy to give Adam.

"It's perfect," he said and pulled me into a tight hug. I relaxed in his arms and went to kiss him again before I saw Carrie looking at us and smiling happily.

"Let me see?" she asked and Adam showed her the sketch. "Really, Adam, more tattoos?"

"Mom, it's a black hawk," he said slowly and her face changed as she realized what that meant.

"Oh. Oh, I see. That's such a nice idea, Jake," she said and I gave her a hug.

"Thanks Carrie," I said and kissed her cheek.

"Where are you going to put it?" Carrie asked, looking at the design in more detail now.

"I don't know," Adam mused as his fingertips gently traced the design.

"I want it here," I said, slapping my hand on the opposite arm to my wolf tattoo. "I'll be balanced then."

"Why don't you get it down your ribs?" Carrie suggested to Adam, surprising me. "Then it'll blend in with the one you have already."

"I like that idea," I told Adam and he nodded.

"Yeah," he smiled. "Sounds good."

He carefully slid the sketch back into the file and set it on the table where it wouldn't get knocked. "Come on," he told me and dragged me off to meet his family.

There was quiet acceptance rather than a big production made of my introduction to the Hawk's, it was nice, no one went over the top or anything and even his grandfather was polite. Carrie's sister had set up big heaters on the patio so the party spilled into the back garden and me and Adam ended up on what was becoming 'our' lounge chair. We were waiting on his new friends from Neah Bay to turn up so it was mostly the pack hanging out outside and the family inside with the kids, but the two groups were mixing in between and Emily seemed to be getting on well with one of Adam's cousins, Hannah while I talked to her husband Ethan.

"Adam!" Carrie called out of the back door after a while. "People are here!"

"I better go see who that is," Adam said apologetically and I shrugged and gave him a small smile as he got up and I turned to Ethan to continue our conversation.

Three guys and two girls followed him back out with beers in hand and Adam went about introducing the assembled people. "Don't worry about remembering everyone's names," he laughed. "I know there's a lot of people here. This is Jake, by the way," he said and gestured to me. "He's probably the most important person to remember." He winked at me and I frowned at him, not knowing if he was out to these people or not. After all, he had left La Push because Carrie didn't want him to face that kind of pressure. "Guys this is Shell and Georgie, and Callum, Gray and Ash."

The two girls were clearly with two of the guys but the third guy, Ash, made me feel uneasy. I don't know why. He was very good looking and very, slick, for use of a better word. It was a relaxed eighteenth birthday party, not a night out in a bar in LA but it appeared no one had told him that. He also stood too close to Adam.

I wanted to pull Adam back down to share our chair again and kept chanting to myself I am not an animal. I do not need to piss on his leg to stake my claim. It started to work, then Ash touched his arm and I was back to being an animal again.

So, I drank. More than other people. I took Emily's warning glares and smiled back at them sweetly. I found Carrie and hugged her for a bit. She was drinking too and more than happy to share the love. And the vodka. The children were carted off to bed, or to their own houses where they would torment their parents with the cake- induced sugar comas everyone under the age of eight seemed to be enjoying in lieu of alcohol. I had some cake too, but I preferred the alcohol.

Eventually the adults dispersed as well, most of them going with the children or to their own beds and leaving me, Adam, the pack and the Neah Bay kids huddled around patio heaters in the middle of fucking December. I had stayed inside with Carrie and her sister, still feeling uncomfortable about the new kid and knowing that I couldn't be as affectionate as I wanted to be around Adam. It was easier to stay indoors than to be outside and hold back.

I stood at the back door and leaned against the door frame, it was helping me keep upright if truth be told but I had a mental image of looking very James Dean. Adam was talking animatedly with Ash about some teacher they had for a history project who looked something like a female version of a professional wrestler and I was almost aware of the emotion bubbling in my stomach because it was something like what I had felt when I saw Bella with Edward. But with the added tinge of white hot rage.

Ash was almost crying with laughter at something Adam had said and the girls were giggling too; all hanging on to his words like he was the fucking Pied Piper or some shit. Then Ash hit Adam's arm, his forearm, a gently slap really but his hand stayed there and started to lightly fucking caress my boyfriend. I was so close to snapping it was unreal.

Suddenly four arms yanked me back into the house and through to the kitchen and I struggled and growled but they were stronger and I was drunker so I was at a definite disadvantage. I eventually broke out of their grasp and turned to Quil and Embry.

"What the fuck?" I slurred at them.

"Can't do it, dude," Embry said, grabbing a bottle of water and throwing it at me. I nearly dropped it, the drunk was affecting my coordination.

"Can't do what?" I argued but took several long gulps of the water. I needed it.

"Can't get jealous, Jake," Quil laughed and I swung for him. He easily caught my fist and smacked my cheek, all patronizing that he was quicker than me tonight. "You can try to fight me, but I'll fucking pummel you," he teased.

"Not the fucking time," I growled at him. Embry pulled out one of the chairs around the kitchen table and shoved me into it, spilling my water down my chest a little.

"Jacob, we've both dealt with this shit already," he said carefully. "I know what you're feeling right now, and it sucks, but you have to be cool or you're going to blow a lot more than just our secrets."

I snickered when he said 'blow', but sobered up when I realized what he was saying.

"Adam already had to move once," Quil said, sitting down opposite me. "Don't fuck it up for him again."

"I didn't fuck anything up," I said, indignant. "Someone else fucked it up for us."

"Do you think any of us have it easy?" Quil seemed angrier than Embry. "My girl is asleep right now and the only place I want to be is next to her crib, making sure she doesn't get nightmares. But I can't, because I don't get to love her for years yet. Fucking years, Jake. So you need to get over this jealous bullshit because you did not get the worst deal when we all imprinted."

"Yeah, but you still got a girl," I sneered at him, then turned too quickly as I heard a familiar gasp from the doorway.

"Adam…" I called to him but he was already out of the door. I vaguely noticed that Quil had his head in his hands as I ran to the front door, away from the sounds of the party out back. I had sobered up quickly.

He was sat on the hood of his car quickly rolling a cigarette between his long fingers. I thought he had quit. He didn't look up at me as I walked slowly over to him, didn't even acknowledge my existence as I stood between his legs.

"Adam I'm sorry," I said carefully, hoping he knew I meant it.

"Okay," he said, sticking the cigarette in his mouth and lighting it. The flame brightened his face for a moment, throwing his cheekbones and strong jaw into sharp relief.

"I don't want to leave it at just 'okay'," I said honestly. "Can I talk to you?"

"What is there to say?" he said harshly. "You don't spend any fucking time with me on my birthday, then you admit to Quil that you'd prefer to be with a girl. What am I supposed to say to that, Jake?"

"You've got it wrong," I muttered, running my hands through my hair. "I didn't mean-"

"You were fucking rude to my friends and got wrecked with my mother," he was obviously not finished. "And I get the impression you'd rather not be here. So why don't you just leave." He huffed out a long breath, blowing smoke at me but I didn't care.

"I want to be here, Adam," I said in a low voice. "I'm just having a hard time tonight."

"Why?" he demanded. "It's not about you, Jake, you're supposed to do something nice for me tonight."

"I don't like Ash," I said bluntly. "He touches you. And I don't like it."

"Okay…" he made the word sound like it had twelve syllables.

"I really did want to sit with Carrie for a while. I miss her too. And I didn't want to be a jerk in front of your friends. It hurts that I can't touch you when I'm around them." I tried letting each emotion out, one at a time. Longing, need, embarrassment, pain. "I want things to be easy for us." Desire. "I miss you so much." Heartache. "I need to kiss you so bad." That last one came out before I realized what I was saying. "I haven't kissed you yet tonight, and fuck, Adam, you look so good, and I need it…" He leaned forward, flicking the cigarette into the wet grass where it hissed softly. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and used it as leverage to pull my mouth to his.

My hands went to his hair instinctively, cupping his head and guiding his face to mine, his lips to mine. He kissed me hard, pushing his mouth to mine and holding me there for a few seconds then easing back and working his lips to suck my bottom one between both of his. I gasped into his mouth as he started a softer rhythm, sweeping his tongue over my lip so I could taste his smoke and it was so fucking sexy it hurt.

"Why don't you just tell me these things?" he growled against my mouth.

I shrugged. "I guess I don't know how." He sighed and kissed me again, lightly this time and dropping his hands.

"I'm still mad at you," he admitted, trying out the whole 'honesty' thing I guess. "You have no reason to be jealous, Jacob. You're the one who doesn't want to commit to me."

"That's not fair," I argued with him, "You know my reasons for that."

"Fine, you have reasons," he said a bit sarcastically. "But that doesn't change the fact that you won't do it. Everything I try to do to bring us closer together only ends up pushing us further apart. I don't know how much more we can handle."

"We can handle anything if we want to, Adam," I reasoned. "If it's worth it, we'll put up with it."

"Am I worth it?" he asked, frowning at me.

"Of course you are," I whispered. "How can you even ask me that?"

"Because sometimes you make me think I'm not."

I dropped my head and ran my hands roughly over my face. "Is the bullshit worth it?" I asked the hood of the car, "No. Is the hiding worth it? Fucking, no, Adam. Are you worth it? Don't ask me that. I have enough trouble trying to tell you how much I love you, let alone trying to tell you how much you mean to me. Everything isn't it any more. You're more than everything to me."

"Then why don't I feel that way?" he yelled at me. "Why do you pull back so much?"

"Because I'm fucking scared!" I shouted back. "I'm scared of seeing you hurt because you're with me. I'm scared that one day I'll snap and rip some motherfucker's head off because they look at you wrong or say something about our relationship!"

"But we can't live like that, Jake, we can't spend our lives scared of what other people may or may not think." He scooted to the edge of the car and pulled me into his arms.

"One day I'm going to lose it and phase in front of you," I whispered into his shoulder, my arms still hanging limply by my sides.

"So what if you do?" he asked.

"I could kill you, Adam," I growled. "I was so jealous earlier it took both Quil and Embry to calm me down. I was about to lose control and I can never do that around you. You've seen Emily, you know what can happen."

"I understand," he said and picked up each of my arms in turn, wrapping them around his waist then kissing my temple softly. "I don't like arguing with you Jake, but you need to chill out."

"I know," I told him.

"How would you feel about stopping phasing all together?" he asked softly. "It might help calm your mood swings."

I was quiet for a moment. "I don't know if I can," I admitted.

"Talk to Sam," he suggested and I nodded.

"I will," I promised. "I'm sorry for doing this on your birthday."

"It's okay," he said and kissed my neck. "I just wish we could talk without resorting to arguing sometimes."

"Loving you is the easy part," I told him. "It's the whole relationship part I have trouble with."

"And the gay part is even worse," he said. "It's okay," he interrupted my protests, "I don't mind that you're struggling with it. I just wish I knew how to help you."

"I just can't find that place yet where I can define myself that way," I admitted. "In my head being gay and being in love with you are such different things."

"Uh, this might be a very unpopular idea, but have you considered maybe talking to someone about it?" he suggested, toying with the ends of my hair. "Like a counselor."

"Yeah, I can see that conversation," I scoffed. "Yes, doctor, I'm a werewolf you see, and I imprinted on another man…"

Adam chuckles lightly into my neck, the sound vibrating against my chest. "Hmm, maybe not," he agreed. "Or you could call one of the LGBT helplines. You can just talk to someone about your difficulties accepting your sexuality, you don't have to mention the word werewolf at all."

"What's LGTB?" I ask.

"LGBT," he corrects. "It stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender. There's lots of help out there Jake, if you want someone to talk to. You just need to know where to look."

"Have you ever called one before?" I asked in a small voice.

"A couple of times," he admitted. "Most recently when I found you. I had a hard time accepting that someone could love me so thoroughly as you do. There was a girl who just listened for a while, which was all I needed really."

"Okay," I agreed. "I'll try it."

"Good," he said and nuzzled my neck. "Come on, people are going to be wondering where we are."

"Adam?" I asked, suddenly shy. "Kiss, me, please."

"Oh, baby, you never have to ask," he whispered and laid his lips softly over my own. I pulled him a little tighter to me and sucked his lower lip between mine. Adam's bottom lip was fuller than his top one and I ran my tongue over it a few times before easing back to brush innocent kisses over it again. He wanted more, though, and soon it was his turn to lick my lips, teasing me into near incoherence as I tried to take things further but he pulled back before I had the chance. Suddenly he was almost rough with me, his teeth nipping then tugging at my bottom lip as his tongue snuck out and flicked against the tip of mine once, then again, then releasing my lip his whole mouth closed over my own wanting kiss .

I was in heaven. This was kissing, being completely owned by someone else's lips. I slid one hand underneath the hem of his shirt to stroke his lower back, and the other one up to his hair line so I could try and get him to kiss me harder. Our tongues stroked each other as our lips collided and teeth grazed pouting lips; my heart beat surged against my chest as I let myself get lost in him, not caring about anything else again, just the sheer eroticism of the way his tongue licked my teeth and his hands gripped my arms.

He slowed his movements, sinking us both lower into the moment although the actions were the same, warm, wet, slick, wanting. He licked my lip again and our heads twisted, finding new angles and sensations as our mouths moved together and our hips unconsciously ground out the same rhythm. We slowed further, pressing our mouths against each other for long moments as our breathing evened out again and I rubbed my nose softly against his in what I hoped was a loving, comforting gesture.

His hands loosened their grip on my biceps and slid round to envelop my back and I finally tore my swollen lips away, peppering kisses over his jaw and down the inked side of his neck to rest my head on his shoulder.

"That's what I call a kiss," I mumbled, suddenly sleepy.

"I'd say," he agreed with a laugh. We were quiet as we both gathered our breath and our thoughts. "Please don't pull away from me, Jake," Adam said quietly."If you need me, or need to tell me something just say. You know I'll always come with you if you ask."

"I know," I said, feeling like a complete dick. I seemed to have a habit for messing stuff up because I was scared of telling him about shit. I pulled my hand out from under his t shirt and took his hand, helping him off the car and preparing to build some bridges with his new friends.