Disclaimer:The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, two of the best books I've ever read, are owned by Suzanne Collins and I don't have any rights to them except the right to read them and love them. This is a companion fic to Firestarter.
A/N: So, I had originally planned to write Chapter 11 to Firestarter before writing this chapter in Souls on Fire. However, this is begging to be written.
Chapter Eleven
Gale's POV
I close the door to the room District 13 has provided me. I feel as if I'm going through the motions after a very long day at the mines. They've given me a fairly large room and I see Vick and Rory asleep on the bunk beds across from the bed I'm to use. The blinds have already been pulled low and I can't help the smile that creeps across my face as I hear Rory snore softly.
I walk over to my bed and I lay down but I can't fall asleep. My mind is too full of images to be sleepy. I know I should sleep because I've only gotten a few hours in the past couple of days but I my brain won't obey. I stare up in the darkness as I put my hands under my head. When I had finished my shower earlier and dressed, I went to sit in my mother's room with Posy, Vick and Rory as my mother talked softly with the Mayor. The sounds we heard coming from Madge's room pulled on my memories. They were the same exact sounds my mother made for one day.
I remember when the Peacekeepers had come with Mayor Undersee to tell us that my father had died in an "accident" in the mines. My mother had stood tall and stoic as they explained. She fed us our dinner even though we didn't eat. She rubbed circles around her large belly and looked out the window as she did the evening dishes. She put us to bed, but I didn't sleep. It wasn't too long until I heard the sobs. The keening sound drew me from my bed and I went into the kitchen to see my mother on her knees on the floor. Her arms were wrapped around her huge belly. When I put my skinny arm around her and held her hand with my other, she grabbed onto me as if I was lifeline. I think it was hours that my mother cried. It was the first and the last time I've ever seen her cry. I remember helping her to her bed and petting her hair like she did with me, Rory or Vick when we were scared or sad.
Those were the sounds I heard coming from Madge's room. I don't remember running across the hall and bursting into her room, but I do remember calling her name and staring at the closed bathroom door. My mother had eased me out of the way and went into the dark room. I knew what was on the other side. It was grief. It was mourning. It was a place that I was scared to enter. I remember looking back at the Mayor and seeing him so lifeless and pale.
When Madge had come out of the bathroom, she was a shell of the girl that I had gotten to know in these past few days. It looked as if someone had emptied her out from the inside. Her eyes were hollow. Then she saw her father and life came back. Life, compassion and something else moved over her face. It was uncomfortable to see her comforting her father. It brought back memories. My mother had understood though. I felt her grip my hand and all I could do was squeeze it back.
And what was that cryptic meaning my mother hinted at? What did she mean that she owed Madge and it had to do with me? That was a mystery I was going to get to the bottom of. Then my mother left leaving me with Madge and I felt my tongue get all tied up like it always did with her. I always ended up saying the wrong thing. Well, usually, anyway. But when I said she was my friend, her face lit up like the sun. You would think that girl didn't have many friends. I thought on that and I felt even more uncomfortable there in the darkness. I guess she didn't have many friends. I never even saw her with anyone but Katniss at school and even within the District. I could have made an effort, but I couldn't really see beyond Katniss.
Katniss. I sigh as I think about this. I know I did the right thing but I can't help but think a part of me has died with letting her go. What makes it even more confusing, is that I'm pretty sure Madge knows that a part of me has died too. The way she looks at me when she thinks I don't know; when I see something happen between Katniss and Peeta. Her eyes study me and I feel… encouragement? Comfort? I don't know.
I think back to the way she handled herself on the mission. I always thought that Katniss was the ultimate survivor and adaptor. But I think that Madge really proved herself. Well, she didn't have anyone to prove herself to, but I feel that she really stepped up for Katniss, for Peeta and… for me. She saved my life. My throat wants to close on this thought. Madge Undersee saved my life. I owe her something. I know I threw her in that hedge, but it was more than that. She had risked everything to save me. Madge humbled me. I rub my hands over my face and I wish I could sleep. I know that I can't. I rip the covers off of me and I stand up. I'm up for just a moment when I hear a heart wrenching scream. At first, I think it's Posy because I heard "Mommy" as clear as day.
But when I burst into the hall, I see the Mayor sobbing in the hallway. I hear the screaming and sobbing from Madge's room. I walk in the door. The light from the hallway streams in through the open door and I see Madge covered in sweat and curled into a tight ball. I shake her. Her eyes are open and I hear her say over and over again that it's her fault.
"Madge?" I call to her but she doesn't move. She doesn't acknowledge me. She stares at some invisible horror that I can't see.
I sit on the bed. I really don't know what to do but I think of Posy when she wakes up in the middle of the night with one of her nightmares. I awkwardly pull Madge into my arms. Her whole body is shaking violently. Katniss runs in with her hair in wild disarray. I see she is still in her black clothes from the mission. Peeta is on her heels. My mother and Mrs. Everdeen also come into the room. My mother holds Katniss back as Mrs. Everdeen makes her way towards us.
She shines a light into Madge's eyes. "She's in shock," I hear her murmur.
"From what?" I ask. Madge is still murmuring about something being her fault.
"I don't know," I hear Mrs. Everdeen reply.
"Does her father know?" I ask harshly. I can't understand why the man is out in the hall and sobbing.
What do I do with all this grief? What makes me think I can handle it. Then, I feel Madge's small hand clutch my shirt. That same small hand that let an arrow loose from a bow to kill the threat to my life. I turn my attention back to her and I murmur to her softly just like I would with Posy. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
"I killed my mother," I hear her reply in a hiccupping breath.
I hear the collective gasp from across the room and I stare each person down until they leave. Well, everyone besides my mother. She stares at me in pity and understanding. I would like to know what to do. As if my mother reads my thoughts, she shrugs. But she comes closer to squeeze my arm. Then she kisses my head and leaves the room. She shuts the door behind her and I'm alone with a shivering Madge.
I sigh. "Why do you think that?" I ask her.
For a while, it is silent but finally she says, "We left her because of me."
"Tell me." The only way she could work through it is if she talks. I feel her shake her head. Her soft hair tickles my chin and I pat it down with my other hand. "Come on, Madge. Tell me."
"We were running when we figured out what was happening. My father had my mother and we were running in the dark. I don't know if I tripped or just stepped wrong… I twisted my ankle and went down." Her voice drifts off.
"Then what happened?" I encourage.
I hear her take a deep breath before she continues. "My father picks me up, and we start running again. But my mother, she's weak and can't keep up." Her voice is growing hysterical so I let her pause. I try to remember her mother but I don't think I've ever seen the woman before. There were always rumors of sickness and I don't believe the woman ever set foot out of the Mayor's mansion. When I notice it has been too quiet for too long, I squeeze her shoulder. I hear her sigh. "She fell. She told my dad to leave her and take me. If… If I wouldn't have twisted my stupid ankle, we could have gotten her out." She starts to cry again. My heart goes out to her. When my father died, it left a hole inside of me. But I've always known that the ones to blame were the Capitol for making him go down there into the darkness. I've always known it was because of them that they had the unsafe conditions. I never felt blame. But this girl beside me, this brave young woman who has survived so much, has heaped all this guilt upon herself.
I think of how I would feel if I had to choose to leave someone behind, or if I was forced to. But, again, I haven't ever gone through this. It all circles back around to one thing. "Madge," I say softly as I shake her. I hear her sob and I shake her again. "Madge, listen to me. It's not your fault."
She pushes away from me and though I can't see her in the darkness, I can feel the motion of her shaking her head back and forth. "No, you weren't there. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault," she says again and again. I know I'm losing her.
I grip her upper arms. "Listen to me, Madge. It wasn't your fault. You're not the one who ordered for bombs to be dropped on the District. You're not the one who made the Capitol decide who lives and dies. The Capitol is at fault for you mother's death. The Capitol alone."
"But we just left her there, Gale. The Capitol may have bombed the District, but it's because of me that my mother was blown to pieces." Her voice is harsh in the darkness.
I pull her to my chest and hug her as I would Posy, or Katniss. "No, Madge, it isn't your fault. You wouldn't have been running in the first place if the Capitol would just let us be." I hold her until her shivering stops.
"Gale," she whispers and I can feel her breath on my neck.
"Yes?" I whisper back.
"It will always be my fault. Maybe I didn't kill her, but it will be my fault that she was left behind." I know there is nothing I can say that would change her mind.
"Let me put it this way," I try to reason with her. "If you had a child, and the choice was between you dying and your child living, which would you choose?" She doesn't answer me. I sit and listen to our breathing in silence. "Don't taint your mother's sacrifice with this. She wouldn't want you to." I hope I'm saying the right thing. I hope and I pray that this helps.
I feel the tension leave her body. "Thank you," she whispers. I squeeze her and I get up to go get some tissues from the bathroom. I leave the light on from the bathroom as I bring them back to her and I wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes look up at me and I catch my breath. I never really noticed how beautiful her eyes were. No, if I'm being truthful and now it seems the time for being truthful, I would say that I had noticed before. But it had always seemed so right to be with Katniss that I had always pushed the thought back in my mind.
This is a side of Katniss I would have never been permitted to see. She's never needed me. The realization doesn't cause me pain as it should. I look at Madge and I feel needed. The knowledge of it rushes through me. Her eyes go wide as I lean closer. I didn't even realize that I had moved closer. Suddenly, my hand is on her cheek. Her breath leaves her lips and they widen in the movement. Had I ever noticed her lips? They are soft and full. My eyes lock with hers as I lean closer and lightly touch my lips to hers. They are so soft. But I taste the salt from her tears on her lips and it brings everything back into focus.
I straighten back up. "I apologize," I tell her. She just stares up at me with those big blue eyes and I feel like the worst kind of criminal. Here she was crying her eyes out over the death of her mother and I kiss her! She's so shocked she can't even say anything. I turn away in disgust. "You better try and get some rest." My voice comes out cold. I walk to the door.
"Don't go," I hear her call out. Her voice is so soft and she sounds scared. I lay my head against the door. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so confused. I have all these weird feelings coursing through me. Pain over Katniss, admiration for Madge. I feel protective of her. If I were honest, I would also say I feel something more for her. Something more than I have ever allowed myself to feel for her. "Please," I hear her plead and I close my eyes.
"I'll be right back," I tell her and my voice is hoarse. I don't have the strength to leave her alone. I go into my room across the hall and I gently pick up Vick from the top bunk and lay him on my bed. He doesn't even wake up. Then I grab the mattress, with blanket and pillow, and go back across the hall. I see the mayor slumped across the floor outside and I pause. I don't know what I feel for him. Maybe it's anger. Maybe it's pity. Maybe it's both. He raises blood shot eyes up to me. "She blames herself," I tell him. I know he knows what I'm talking about.
"It wasn't her fault. It was mine. I should have been strong enough," his voice breaks and I have to look away.
Then I look back at him. "You need to be strong enough now."
He looks up at me again. He studies for a moment. "What if I can't?"
I think of my mother doing everything she can to raise three boys by herself and then a baby girl. I think of Katniss doing everything she can to make sure Prim survived. "You have to be." It's the only answer I know how to give. I don't wait for him to respond but I go back into the Madge's room. I can tell from the light in the hall that she hasn't moved and I see the look of relief in her eyes as I come back in. I lay the mattress on the floor next to her bed. I situate the blanket and pillow and then I pull the bathroom door to where only a speck of light is visible.
I climb onto the mattress and I sigh at the fact that my feet hang off of the end. I hear Madge settle on the bed. Then her hand reaches down and finds mine. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," I answer softly. She squeezes my hand, but she doesn't let go. I listen as her breath finally evens out and I know for sure that she's asleep. Only then do I let out a loud breath. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. But as I listen to her slow, even breaths, I realize something. At this moment, there isn't anywhere else I would rather be than being here for this strong and sad girl who is suddenly and irrevocably rooted in my mind.
A/N: Please be kind and leave a review.
