I own no one but my own people
1986
"I'm very disappointed in you all. These test grades were horrible."
Olivia groaned along with the rest of her class as their gender inequality professor handed back their tests. "Only three of you got above 75," he told them as he made his way down the row Olivia was sitting in. "To those that did, I'm very proud of you. To the rest, I KNOW you can do better than this."
The brunette teenager waited patiently for her test, expecting to find a mediocrity grade on top of it but instead he just stopped at her desk.
"I need to see you after class, Olivia," he told her before continuing to hand back the tests, excluding her own.
Her heart began pounding hard against her ribs. This didn't make any sense, she had studied hard for this test. Why would he need to talk to her?
After Christmas break and her mothers drunken breakdown, Olivia dedicated herself to trying to win back the part of her life that Taylor had stolen from her. She couldn't lie, it helped immensely that she no longer had to worry about running into him every time she left her room, not to mention the joke about her actions at the Halloween party had worn paper thin and the only person to mention it anymore was this homely girl named Lisa but it had gotten to the point where even Lisa's friends were telling her to give it a rest when she rehashed the same joke every time she saw Olivia.
The soccer team too had forgot the rumor that Ben shared with them and although she preferred if she wasn't simply chalked up to a notch in their locker room wall, at least she was no longer harassed. Slowly but surely her life was getting back to normal. Her nightmares were few and far between, she was eating again, her grades had picked up... Most importantly she had stopped drinking.
Her mother had showed restraint during her break and had gone to the lengths of hiding her bottles of vodka, not that Olivia didn't know where the hiding places was at this point but it was the thought that countered, and didn't bring another bottle of wine into the apartment the whole rest of the time she was there.
Serena would force herself to appear more sober than she was for the few weeks Olivia lived there again, trying to talk to her daughter more instead of being hungover in bed half the day and would go to the bar later in the night so she could eat dinners with her.
While it was nice while it lasted, Olivia could notice her mothers hands trembling every night she went to the bar later and couldn't help notice the look of relief when Olivia hugged her goodbye before she got into the cab, nor did she miss the fact that when Olivia looked back Serena was already halfway down the block heading towards her favorite bar instead of back inside the apartment.
Often she wondered if maybe, just maybe, her life could actually get back on track after what he did to her.
Apparently not she thought with a sigh as the professor walked back to the head of the classroom.
Professor Sean Locksley wasn't only one of the more popular Sociology professors at Sienna but he was one of the only professors to not only notice her change last semester but would ask several times what was the matter with her even when other professors had given up on trying to help.
"To the three students who did get a 75 or below, I'm feeling merciful today. I want a two page essay, typewritten, double spaced, on the content covered in the last 2 chapters using only the text book as a source. I told you from the first day, you can't just take notes, you have to actually read the book to pass. You do the paper, I'll bump you up a letter grade. To the three students that did well, you're welcome to do the assignment and it will be a 10 point bonus on your next test. Have a good afternoon."
Olivia waited until the rest of the class had gone before she approached Sean, trying her best to control her nerves.
"Sir, I DID study," she told him, unable to help the trembling in her voice. "I know you use the books as a majority of your test content, I swear I read it."
"Calm down, Olivia," he said holding up a hand to silence her. "You're not in trouble, I just wanted to talk."
Sean sat on the edge of the table at the head of the classroom, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "So... I noticed you're starting to become your old self again. You're showing up for class, you're participating in class discussions, I've seen you in the cafeteria eating with someone instead of by yourself."
"My new roommate, Rita. She's... very blunt," Olivia explained using the nicest word possible for the red headed pre-law student.
Sean nodded before he held up her test with the back facing her. "I also noticed something about your grades..."
"I swear I'm trying," she assured him once more. "Sir, I can't-."
"What I noticed..." he interrupted his student before handing her the test. "Was that you're getting back to your old self regarding test scores as well."
Olivia looked at him in confusion for a moment before she flipped the test over, gasping when she saw a large "92" written in the upper right corner.
"There were three students that did well this test. You were one of them," said Sean with a smile as he watched his students eyes lit up.
Olivia grinned as she looked up from the paper. "You're serious? I passed?"
He chuckled and nodded. "Yes. Now I don't know what led to that funk you were in the last few months, I respect your right not to tell me, and I'm not sure what led to your recovery but whatever you're doing, keep it up. Don't fall back to the person that whatever or whoever turned you into."
Olivia couldn't help the teary smile that appeared on her face. "Believe me... I won't."
PRESENT DAY
"And then Belle told the Beast 'Hey; Buffalo Boy... You kept me locked up for months, you screamed at me several times, and you didn't let me see my father. That's a VERY unhealthy relationship and neither you or Gaston deserves my love.' So then Belle left the castle, moved to Paris and opened up the most successful bookstore in all of France. While she eventually found an amazing caring loving Prince who treated her like his equal and loved her the way she deserved, she was perfectly content to be single until she found him. The end."
Amanda shut the book she was using only for the pictures and kissed the top of Jesse's head. "Ya like that, baby girl?"
The 4 and a half month old just looked up at her mother with a sniffle and a slight cough.
"Exactly."
Because Amanda couldn't afford a professionally trained nanny like her boss could, she had been forced to place Jesse in a daycare, which had actually been recommended by Lucy. One of her classmates in her childhood development class opened an at home center and it wasn't even a fifteen minute walk from Amanda's apartment, it was a legitimate daycare center and staffed with a well trained staff.
But because it was crowded with other small children, there had been a cold going around the daycare that, unfortunately, Jesse had caught.
The small girl had been crying and whining, coughing and sniffing since she got her home. A warm bath and some infant Tylenol along with some cuddles from mom and a story had calmed her down but Amanda knew it was only a matter of time until the tears and sniffling came back,
There was a knock on the door and Amanda narrowed her eyes in confusion as she looked at her watch, telling a now barking Frannie to quiet down.
It was almost nine PM, who would be here at this hour? Carisi knew not to come over this close to Jesse's bedtime and he was really the only person from work who would show up unannounced, usually with a bag of groceries from the Italian market near his apartment.
Amanda carried Jesse over to the door and looked through the peephole, relieved to find someone she knew but at the same time her confusion mounted.
Why would Captain Taylor want to visit her this late at night?
"Hello Amanda," Taylor greeted kindly as she opened the door. "How are- you have a baby."
Amanda looked down at Jesse who appeared rather unimpressed with their house guest before she turned back to him. "I didn't mention that?"
"Uh no. No you didn't."
"Oh... Well this is Jesse. Jesse, this is Captain Taylor."
"Hi, Jesse," Taylor told the young baby. "How you doing?"
A sneeze was her only answer.
"Sorry about the mess," Amanda apologized moving out of the way and shutting the door behind him. "I haven't really had a chance to clean up and now she's fighting a cold..." she informed him as she walked back over to the couch and grabbed a tissue to wipe her daughters nose. "If I had known you were coming I would have cleaned up some."
"You're fine," Taylor told her as he stood in the living room with his hands in his coat pocket, grabbing the tiny bag with two pills inside it to make sure it was still there. "Besides if you knew I was coming, it would have spoiled the surprise element."
Amanda couldn't help the shy smile that grew on her lips as she shifted Jesse to her other arm. "Well I do love surprises..."
"I figured," he told her with a slight smirk.
Another shy smile. "You can take a seat if you want, I'm just gonna go lay her down. Hopefully she sleeps a bit."
"Thank you," Taylor said before he sat down in the middle of the couch so Amanda would be forced to sit beside him or sit in the chair far away from the couch.
Amanda headed into Jesse's bedroom with Frannie on her heels and Taylor's polite smile fell and he groaned softly. God he hated babies. His fourth girl had a baby in the next room who screamed and cried so loud when his mother was unable to go to him that a neighbor had actually interrupted them to find out what was wrong with the baby.
Hopefully though this one would be more quiet then the last one...
A few minutes later Amanda walked back out sans Jesse and Frannie and hesitated just for a moment before she sat down beside him, pulling her knees up under her.
"So any particular reason why you wanted to stop by, Captain?" she asked pushing a piece of blonde hair behind her ear.
"Not particularly, just wanted to come by, talk a little bit. Hasn't Lieutenant Benson ever just stopped by to chat?"
"Um, no, she-... Like I said, we aren't really all that chummy."
"Well I think she's missing out," Taylor told her. "I think you're a very interesting and intelligent person, Amanda."
A slight blush rose on her cheeks and Taylor chuckled. "I'm sorry, that was inappropriate."
"No no you're fine," she assured him, although in the back of her mind a very familiar type of conversation she had with another captain in Atlanta was beginning to replay itself...
Taylor smiled at her before he continued.
"You ARE intelligent and interesting though. Very intelligent from what I've gathered, not to mention what I read in your file."
"You read my file?" she asked.
"Of course I did. BA in criminology from the University of Georgia, a very good school as I understand. Far better than say a school like Sienna and criminology is a FAR more rigorous major than something like sociology or criminal justice."
Knowing that her lieutenant not only went to Sienna but also double majored in both sociology and criminal justice Amanda just didn't respond, knowing the double meanings of his words.
"Why haven't you applied to take the Sergeants exam?" he asked.
"I've only been a detective for 6 years, only 5 in NY," she explained.
Taylor shrugged. "So? You're supposed to be a sergeant for five years before you're a lieutenant yet Benson was a lieutenant in two."
"Yeah but she's... Olivia," Amanda said as if that explained everything. "She was 48 out of 8,000 on her sergeants exam, 23 out of 5,000 on her lieutenants, she's been in the same unit for twenty years, her arrest record is-."
"You could get 40 out of 9,000 on the sergeants and 20 out of 6,000 on the lieutenants," he interrupted her. "You're smarter than her, you're more competent than her, and even in these past days you've demonstrated more leadership skills than her."
The blonde rolled her eyes to the ceiling thinking he was joking but when she looked back she saw that he was dead serious.
"I'm being honest, Amanda, you sign up to take the sergeants exam and you pass, I know a few people at 1PP who's over the drama that's been following Benson for the past 20 years. I could get you in charge of the 1-6."
Amanda's eyes went wide as she stared at him, for sure thinking that this was a joke. But when he maintained a straight face she forced herself to speak. "You... you're serious..."
"Say the word and you're in instead of her."
The blonde opened her mouth to speak before she closed it, electing to just clear her throat instead. "Why don't we worry about staging a mutiny a little on down the road?" she finally told him with a smile that didn't quite reach the corner of her mouth.
Another chuckle. "Deal. So, do you want a drink?"
Without waiting for a response he got up and went to her kitchen. "Sure. Glasses are in the corner cabinet, and there's a pitcher of sweet tea in the fridge."
"Come on, Amanda, just sweet tea?" he asked as he got out two glasses. "A southern girl like you doesn't have a bottle of whiskey around?"
"Can't drink. Breastfeeding," she explained.
Taylor hesitated for a moment before he opened the fridge and got out the pitcher of tea. Without the excuse of alcohol it was almost impossible to explain the blackout they experienced not to mention that it was a little harder to mask the taste of the pills without the taste of alcohol.
He had once slipped his pills into a designated drivers soda and he tried to sell her on the idea that she had hit her head and he had taken care of her but she saw right through that so he did the only thing he could do; put a gun to her head, told her he was a cop and that no one would believe what happened and if she DID tell he would track her down and shoot her.
That's just what he would have to do with Amanda if she didn't fall for the head busting story...
He turned his back on her so that she couldn't see what he was doing and grabbed the pills out of his pocket.
"So which do you like better, Atlanta or Manhattan?" he asked for the sole purpose of covering up the sound of the pills being dropped into the cup.
"Manhattan," she told him as he poured them tea and made his way back to the couch and handed her her tea. "It's just so much more exciting, fun, I love my friends a lot more up here than I do back in Atlanta."
"That's good. Not to mention the pizza is a lot better."
"That too," she laughed as he raised his glass.
"To Manhattan pizza."
Amanda raised her glass as well. "To Manhattan pizza."
Taylor took a drink of his own tea, watching closely as she took a drink out of hers, smacking her lips some.
"Something the matter?" he asked as she set his own glass down.
Amanda said nothing and instead just took a tiny sip, smacking her lips again. "Nah it's fine," she told him as she set the tea glass down. "I just need to remember to add a bit more sugar next time."
"I hear that taste buds can change a bit during pregnancy," he told her as he took another sip and licked his lips. "Tastes fine to me."
The blonde frowned at the glass for a moment before she raised it to her lips again and started to take another sip.
Just as quickly there was a loud cough followed by a rather croupy cry coming from the nursery.
Amanda set her glass down on the coffee table. "I'm sorry I gotta go check on her," she apologized. "Also you might wanna get your feet up because Frannie-."
But before she could finish the yellow dog that had been with the blonde since before she left Atlanta she ran out the room where she slept since Amanda brought Jesse home, slamming into the coffee table and knocking over Amanda's tea and spilling it into Taylor's lap.
"Goddammit!" Taylor barked as Frannie sprinted back into Jesse's room, reappearing seconds later, whining and looking at Amanda as Jesse continued to cry.
Jesse's puppy was crying and it was job to make her puppy feel better. The only way she knew how to do that was to get her master and honestly she couldn't understand why her owner wasn't sprinting as fast as she was to make her puppy happy.
"I am SO sorry," Amanda said quickly as Taylor stood up, wiping the spilled tea off of him. "Here lemme get a towel."
Taylor said nothing, just curled his hands into fists as he glared at the dog that was still running in and out of her daughters room. He could have cared less that something spilled on him, but Amanda hadn't drank enough of her tea to knock her out.
He could take her by force. She had drank enough so that she couldn't fight back too hard but she would have been his first he had that way and he always planned to have someone as his first he fucked that way...
He took a deep breath, unclenching his fists before he spoke. "It's fine, don't worry about it. Go check on your baby, she sounds kinda croupy."
Amanda grabbed a dish towel and handed it to him.
"I'll be right back, Captain, I promise."
He said nothing as she went into Jesse's room with Frannie running ahead of her. Taylor sighed as he wiped the drugged tea off of his pants and flopped back down on the couch.
A minute or so later Amanda came back out with a crying Jesse with a runny nose and, he noticed with annoyance, a bit less of a kick in her step.
"Captain, I'm sorry but she's running a little fever and I don't know why but I just got real tired all of a sudden. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Taylor faked a smile and nodded as he stood up, hiding the fact he was infuriated knowing that if she had drank all of the tea, she would have been passed out on the floor and ready to go already.
"Of course. Take care, Amanda."
Without another word Taylor turned and left the apartment.
…
Olivia sighed as she hung up the phone on a retired officer who had last signed for a taser he never returned, this time choosing to call from her desk in a semi crowded precinct instead of spending her time in an empty basement where Taylor could come down and assault her again at any moment.
Her stomach grumbled slightly but she ignored it, instead choosing to just take another sip of her morning coffee made with splenda instead of sugar like she normally took it.
She tried not to let his comments get to her, she tried to tell herself that she still looked just as good now as she did when she was in her forties, but Taylor's words stung her, especially since he said it in front of her boyfriend who even at 55 was the fittest man she ever knew. Tucker always told her she was beautiful, that she was perfect, that she was sexy, that she had an amazing body, and she believed him.
Until Taylor made that comment to her yesterday. Now she couldn't help but think that every compliment he paid her had just been him trying to flatter her and maybe he didn't really mean it.
God she hated Taylor... She hated how a single sentence made her feel like this, she hated how she was constantly on edge when he saw him, how her squad saw him treat her like she was nothing and she just bent over and took it...
She was about to grab her clipboard and go back downstairs when she saw a disheveled Amanda walk into the precinct trying to beeline to her desk to hopefully not be seen and scolded by the lieutenant for being almost an hour and a half late.
Olivia got up from her desk and walked over to her, thankful that Fin and Carisi were still, on Olivia's down low command, following up on Annie's case and Dodds had court so she could scold her detective in private for the most part.
"You're late," she scolded her crossing her arms. "You're very late in fact. Where were you?"
"I'm sorry, Lieutenant," Amanda told her, her voice slightly muttered. "Jesse caught a cold last night."
"I get having a sick kid, I really do, but that doesn't mean you show up almost two hours late."
"It wasn't just Jesse, Lieutenant, last night I just got... Extremely tired all of a sudden and I woke up late with this massive headache..."
"A sick child will do that to you. Trust me, I know."
"No, it wasn't like I was just tired, but Captain Taylor came over and then ten minutes later I was so damn exhausted I had to ask him to leave. I could barely stay awake to take care of Jesse."
Olivia barely heard the second half of Amanda's sentence. Her lips trembled and her heart slammed against her ribs.
Her head swirled and she had to hold onto the blondes desk to keep from falling. She opened her mouth to speak and closed it again, struggling for all she's worth not to openly sob in front of her precinct.
She closed her eyes, forcing her self to take a very shaking breath. "You... Cap- Captain Taylor came over to your- your apartment?"
Amanda narrowed her eyes in confusion. Why was she overreacting like this? "...Yes... Nothing happened," she added quickly. "I promise Lieutenant, He was only there ten minutes tops."
"What did he do?" the brunette demanded. "When he was over at your place, what did you two do?"
"Amanda!"
Both women turned to look at Taylor who was walking out of his office and heading over towards the two.
Olivia stormed over to him, her hands balled into fists and shaking so hard it was hurting her.
"What did you do to her?" she barked, no longer caring about appearing professional in front of her squad. "What did you do?!"
"What on earth are you talking about, Lieutenant?" asked Taylor feigning shock.
"You know what I'm talking about!" Olivia yelled, not leaving any space between them. Amanda ran over to them and grabbed Olivia by the elbow to attempt to hold her back but she wrenched out of her grasp and got so close to Taylor that there wasn't an inch of space left between them.
"We didn't do anything, Lieutenant!" Amanda told her wide eyed and stunned. "I swear!"
"She's telling the truth," said Taylor, unable to hide the smirk as he looked at the lieutenant while confusing the blonde. Why would he be smug right now? "All I did," he continued, "was get her a nice big glass of tea. The same kind of drink I gave you when we were dating."
There had only been one moment in her entire life when Olivia saw as much red as she saw now; when William Lewis mocked her and told her that she 'didn't have the balls' to hurt him like he had hurt her.
She lunged at him, hitting anywhere she could reach as she did. Olivia wanted to make him hurt. She wanted t make him hurt as much as he had hurt her, as much as he hurt Amanda... She didn't even know what she was hitting or where, she just wanted to make him hurt.
She wanted to kill him.
She felt several arms pull her back and the red haze finally faded and her vision slowly came back into focus. Taylor was on the floor, his whole face covered in bruises and scratches. His lip was bloodied, blood was gushing from his nose along with a gash above his left eye... He was a mess.
Without warning Olivia wrenched out the officers who was holding onto hers grasps and stormed out of the precinct, ignoring the stunned silence from the rest of the officers.
She hailed a cab outside the precinct, not wanting to walk back to her apartment. But the closer she got to her building, the more emotional she felt. Taylor would press charges. She knew he would. She was going to lose her job, she was going to lose her pension, she was going to lose her freedom... She was going to lose everything...
Taylor had won.
By the time the cab pulled up she was close to tears again. She threw some cash at him and headed up to her apartment, tears slowly making their way down her face.
It was still early in the day so Noah was still at preschool and Tucker was at work so Olivia just crawled back into bed still dressed in her work clothes and cried herself to sleep.
…
"Liv? Liv, sweetie, wake up."
Olivia groaned as she opened her eyes to her boyfriend looking down at her.
"What are you doing home so early?" he asked as she sat up in the bed and glanced at her alarm clock.
Tucker and Barba had agreed that the ADA would talk to Olivia while Tucker would confront Taylor, with the reasoning behind it being that Olivia might be more willing to open up to her best friend instead of someone she was romantic with while Tucker had 20 years experience pulling out the truth from dirty cops.
Tucker had planned to come home and cook dinner and clean the apartment up so that when Barba stopped by she would be in a good mood. Then he would leave them alone and go to the precinct afterwards and talk to Taylor.
He didn't expect to find her laying in bed at 5:00 PM though.
Olivia swallowed hard as she turned from the clock to Tucker, shaking her head.
"I just, I had a headache and needed to come home," she told him, swiping a hand through her disheveled hair.
Tucker opened his mouth to ask if she was better now when he caught sight of the back of her hand, more specifically her bloodied knuckles.
"Jesus, Liv," he breathed as he took her hand and looked at it. "What the hell happened?"
Olivia closed her eyes, stunning him when he saw two tears leaked out from behind her lids. "I-... I got in a fight."
"With what, a brick wall?"
She breath trembled as she shook her head, her eyes still closed. "Me and Taylor..."
Even more tears were falling now as Tucker leaned back in the bed, trying his hardest to keep his voice even so that it wouldn't appear he was upset at her.
"Olivia... I love you. So much. More than I ever loved anyone else, and I know you love me too. Please... something is going on with you and him, and I want to help you more than anything but you have to tell me what is going on in order for me to do that."
Slowly she opened her eyes and looked at him. She could never fathom how he could express so much love and trust in those dazzling blue eyes.
He would never judge her. He would never pity her like Elliot had, he would never treat her like broken glass like Cassidy had, he would never see her as less of a cop or less of a woman... He loved her. Absolutely and unconditionally.
It was because of that realization that she spoke her next words.
She took a shaking breath, taking hold of his hand and clutching it like she needed him to keep her grounded to this earth, and didn't tear her eyes away from his.
"Captain... Captain Taylor..." A deep shaking breath. "He raped me."
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