A/N: So this chapter is pretty intense… I almost cried while writing it lol. So consider yourself warned.
"If I tell you what happened today… You'd never believe me. I mean I don't even believe it myself. Cristina came back. Well not back, but she came to Seattle. To pick up her daughter. Yeah you heard me right. I said daughter. You can guess how that makes me feel. I mean you called it. But it's not only Cristina's daughter. She's mine too. She's nine, so I didn't cheat on you. But you know that. Anyway her name is Olivia. She's beautiful. She looks so much like Cristina. And Cristina… she's a fabulous mother. I never imagined she'd love a child that much. She told me she is home every night. I kinda don't believe her. I mean Cristina Yang, being home for dinner every night? I know… Sounds crazy. But I think everything is just upside down right now. I mean here I am, all alone, talking to you. And she… She has the life I always wanted. Isn't that just unfair? Not just unfair to me but to you too. If I'd known… Imagine all the hurt it would've saved us. Don't think I regret anything. Because I don't. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I don't regret a single thing. It took me a long time to be okay with what happened… to us. Though I don't think I'll ever be completely over it. I mean how am I supposed to? I lost everything. And I believe you're in a better place now. At least I hope so. Because the way we were after… It could only be better. So I envy you a little. But only a little. Because Meredith said once, there has to be a reason why I'm still alive. She said that somewhere along the road, I'll know the reason. And now I do. My daughter. Even if I'm mad at Cristina, I yelled at her but I had to she deserved it, she'll always be the love of my life. I don't want to hurt you by saying that, but I think you knew it all along. No, I know you knew. You called it. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I'll never forgive myself for not being able to help you. And I did love you. I really did. But you and I both know that Cristina always was and always will be the one."
He stood up straight and put his hand on the gravestone. It had become a habit of his, coming here. He felt an obligation. And it helped. Most of the time at least. Graves were good listeners. And he needed someone to just listen right now. And she was always there for him. He walked towards the gates and turned around and looked at the grave one last time.
Amelia Shepherd – Hunt
1982 – 2018
Beloved wife, sister, daughter and mother
Christian Ryan Hunt
2015 – 2016
Our beautiful boy taken home too soon
"I'm sorry but I have to move on." And with that he turned around and left.
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"Amelia please. Please look at me. Look at me." She continued to stare at the wall. No sign of life in her eyes. If she wouldn't be sitting up straight and breathing, she could easily be dead. But she basically was. What difference did it make, she was dead on the inside, leaving her empty body behind. And it killed him. It killed him to see what had happened to her. What he had done to her.
He took her face into his hands and made her look at him. She just continued to stare at him. No reaction whatsoever.
"Amelia. You need to talk to me. I can't help you if you don't talk to me. I can't do it anymore. Please." His voice broke and he almost started to cry.
"If you don't stop doing drugs, I'll have you admitted. It was okay right after he… But it's not okay anymore. You're hurting yourself. You're hurting Derek. You're hurting me. Please let me help you." He shook her, hoping it would make her talk, not bearing her silence any longer.
"No." She simply said. It was barely hearable but she said it.
"What?"
"No. I said no. You don't get to tell me what to do. You have no right. You have no idea what I've been through…" She said, her voice getting louder with every word. He interrupted her angrily.
"What you've been through? You realize he was my son too, right? And I do get to do this because I'm your husband. I promised to be there, for better or for worse. And this is worse. I think this is the worst it can get, and I am still here. I am here because I vowed to you that I'll stay."
"Oh so it's about a promise you made to me only because you knocked me up? Fine. Go. Leave. There is no reason to stay anymore." She said breaking out in tears of hurt, anger and grief.
"I did not marry you because you were pregnant. I married you because I loved you. And I still do."
"Bullshit." Amelia screamed, "You and I both know that we were eachother's rebound person. There was no love. It was just you and me, missing the people we were supposed to be with. And we took it too far and you felt bad. That was it."
"No. No. It may have started out that way, but you have no idea how I felt."
"Of course I do. Owen I do. Because I felt the same way." She stood up and took his face into her hands. Usually this was a soft, warm gesture, but right now, it felt like she was trying to make him say it. Like she was trying to make him leave. To tell her that everything they were was just a lie.
"Amelia, believe me or not, I do love you." He said tearing up a little. Deep in his heart he knew she was at least partially right.
"When she left, when she left you, you were devastated. You were broken, you were depressed. And I was there, in the same situation. I was there and I pulled you out. You pulled me out. And I hate you for that. I hate you for being there, because if you hadn't been… I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have buried my son. Again. I wouldn't be here. And it's all your fault." Owen knew she was high, but her words still hurt him. He knew it was the drugs talking, but hearing her say that… It tore him apart. He knew it was even harder on her, because she had lost a kid before, but that didn't mean he wasn't devastated too.
"You don't get to do this. You don't get to say that. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault." He grabbed her arm. "Get up." He said. She just stared at him again, tears in her eyes.
"Get. Up. And pack a bag I'm taking you to a facility. I let you do this because you were grieving. But that? It's enough. I'm done. I'm done being the grown up. I need to grieve too."
"I'm not leaving."
"Yeah you are. I can't help you anymore. And none of that is my fault. But if you kill yourself because I was too much of a coward to get you real help, that would be my fault. I love you, and you don't destroy the person you love." She got up and looked him right into the eye. The expression on her face was scary, it was a mix of anger, hate and disgust. But he did his best to remain strong.
"You don't love me. You will always love her. She is the only one that could ever possibly make you happy. And you have no idea how hard it is to try and live up to her standards, knowing you'll never reach them. You'll never even get close. It's the worst thing someone can do to you." She hissed and walked past him towards the bathroom. He just stood there, frozen on the spot. He didn't realize what she was up to until it was too late. Before he could grab her she slipped into the bathroom and locked the door.
She opened the drawer and took out a bottle of pills. She looked at them. They could make it stop. She opened the bottle and poured out a handful. They would make this feeling go away. On the other side of the door Owen was screaming for her to stop, but she didn't listen. She swallowed them. She'd be free again. She took the remainder of the bottle and swallowed it too. Soon, she'd be done with everything. With everyone. She could already feel the dizziness crawling up through her body. Seconds later she collapsed on the floor. It was finally over. The last thing she heard was Owen sobbing on the other side of the door. She knew he was done too.
"Owen are you alright?" Derek asked concerned.
"Yeah I just came from Amelia's and Christian's grave."
"Oh boy. You need to get over them. I know how hard it was but she was my sister. I know how painful it was."
"I know. And I'm sorry. I really am Derek if I just…"
"You have nothing to be sorry for. Amelia did that all to herself. There was nothing that could've prevented that. And you need to come to terms with that because it's not healthy. It's not healthy Owen." Owen closed his eyes.
"It was my fault though." He said and walked away before Derek could say anything else.
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"Cristina! What happened?" Derek asked seeing his wife's person sitting in a supply closet, sobbing, Meredith sitting next to her.
"Owen yelled at her and Olivia isn't talking to her." Meredith explained. That made Cristina just cry harder. She knew she deserved it, but she still wished everything would just go back to normal.
"Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. But if it makes you feel any better, I think Owen feels pretty bad." He said trying to cheer her up. She looked at him.
"H – How d – do you k – know?" Cristina said trying to calm her voice.
"I just saw him and he looked pretty wrecked. He told me he just came back from Amelia's and Christian's grave." Derek explained. Cristina looked confused.
"Christian?"
"Their son." Meredith said silently.
"Oh." Cristina started to sob again. Meredith rubbed her back trying to calm her down a little.
"Tomorrow everything's gonna be better, you'll see. They both just need a day to cool off. I mean that was quite a bomb you dropped on them." Meredith said.
"I just fell like this is all my fault." Cristina said again.
"Funny, he says the same thing." Derek said trying to lighten up the mood a little. And he failed.
"Cristina we've talked about this. It's no one's fault." Meredith said sending a glare in Derek's direction.
"I know…"
"You have to stop blaming yourself. Same goes for Owen. And Olivia. You guys have a savior complex – seems to run in the family." Meredith said.
"She's right. It's not helping anyone." Derek agreed. Now it was Cristina's turn to glare.
"I do not have a savior complex."
"Yeah you do. But that's not a bad thing. Well sometimes. But not all the time." Meredith grinned.
"I do not."
"Oh come on, you're a surgeon. A surgeon without one… Not really a safe bet." They all smiled.
"Okay maybe I do. But Owen's is bigger."
"True." Meredith smiled.
"Okay I think I should go talk to Olivia again. Maybe she's calmed down." Cristina said easing herself up.
"What did you tell her by the way?" Derek asked curiously.
"Everything." Cristina said.
"Everything?" Derek looked at her, confused.
"From their wedding day until the day she left." Meredith said gritting her teeth.
"You didn't tell her about the abortion, did you?" Derek asked shocked.
"I did. Don't." She said raising her hand to shut Derek up.
"Cristina she's nine years old."
"I know that. Don't you think I know that?" Cristina answered angrily.
"Why would you tell her that? I can't imagine what she must be thinking."
"Thank you Derek. You're really helpful." She said sarcastically.
"I'm sorry I just don't understand why you'd…"
"I don't understand myself lately." Cristina sighed.
"Okay, it's too late now anyway. Let's go say good night to Olivia and drive home. I think we all need some sleep. And food. Plus Bailey and Zola must be really worried." Meredith suggested.
"I don't know… I'd rather stay. Just in case." Cristina said hesitantly.
"We'll be here really early tomorrow okay? She won't even know you left."
"I'm gonna go ask her."
They made their way to Olivia's room, Cristina's eyes still a little puffy from crying. When they approached her room Cristina turned around.
"Thank you. I'll be right back."
She opened the door and slipped inside. Olivia was staring at the ceiling. She turned her head when she heard the door opening. When she realized it was her mother she looked back at the ceiling. Cristina tried to hold back her tears.
"Hey baby. How are you feeling?" She asked, her voice shaking.
"Fine."
"Good. So I was gonna come to say good night. I'm gonna go sleep at Mer's tonight. Unless you want me to stay with you." She asked hopefully.
"No it's fine. Leave. It's what you do best."
"Oh Livie… How many times do I have to tell you that I'm sorry?" Cristina said in the most apologetic voice she could. She was a little angry.
"Don't okay? You've already apologized. I can't hear it anymore."
"Okay."
She stood there in silence for a couple of minutes.
"I thought you wanted to leave?"
"They could set up a bed for me in here if…"
"It's fine. I'm old enough to spend a night without you."
"I know. I just wished you weren't growing up so fast." She said and stepped closed and stroke her daughter's hair. Finally Olivia looked at her. She had tears in her eyes.
"Mom?"
"Yes honey?"
"Are you going to leave me just like you left everybody else?" She asked her voice breaking.
"Oh baby no. No. No. I am never ever going to leave you. I promise. I'll always be there." She said and pulled her daughter into a tight hug. Tears started rolling down her face. Are you going to leave me just like you left everybody else? It broke her heart. Did she really leave everyone? Maybe she just hadn't realized how much she had hurt everyone.
"Can you lie with me until I fall asleep?"
"Of course. I'll have them set up a bed for me."
"No… Just stay with me until I fall asleep and then you can go."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
Cristina took off her shoes and climbed into the bed. She wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia. Her daughter was turned towards her so her face was buried in her chest. She was still sobbing a little, but with every minute she lay there it got better. Cristina held her daughter until she was sure that she was asleep, then she eased herself off the bed, careful not to wake her. She planted a kiss on her forehead and mumbled and 'I love you' into her ear before she left the room.
She stepped outside and saw Meredith leaning on the counter talking to Owen. She sighed. She didn't have the strength to get in another fight today.
"Hey. Where's Derek?"
"Oh he left already. It's late and Zola and Bailey needed something to eat."
"Okay. Well she's sleeping now so we can go now."
"I thought we could maybe stay a little longer? I could check on some patients and you and Owen could talk."
"We already have." She said her voice cold as ice.
"Cristina I know what I said today… I was just hurt. But I want to talk. Actually talk, no yelling, no accusing. Promise."
"Owen I'm really tired, it's been a long day…"
"Ten minutes? Please."
"Okay. But really only ten."
"Thank you."
"Okay I'm going to leave you two. See you out front in 15?" Meredith asked Cristina.
"Yeah sure."
They walked into the on – call room on the peds floor. Owen opened the door to let her in. Everything still looked the same.
"So what do you want to talk about?" Cristina asked, straightforward because she was exhausted and had no energy to have a pointless conversation.
"Tell me about her."
"What?"
"Tell me about her. Olivia. Your daughter. Our daughter."
"Uh okay." Cristina was surprised. She had been prepared for another fight.
"I'm listening."
"Well, her name is Olivia Meredith Yang, she speaks three languages fluently, English, German and French, she's nine years old, her birthday is February 16th 2015, she was a pretty tall baby, if you can call a baby tall I don't know. I was in labor for like 20 hours, so thank you for that, it definitely wasn't fun." Owen smiled a little. "Meredith was there though. I don't think I could've done it without her." She could see in Owen's face that it hurt him that he hadn't been there.
"Anyways, she was a really good baby. She was almost sleeping through the nights. I was breastfeeding until she was a year old. Don't laugh. It's what was best for her. Uh I was on maternity leave for a month, then I started to work again, mostly administrative duties though. Ross was and still is a great help. He always babysitted when I had a surgery. She spoke before she could walk because she is really smart, just like you. And me. But I already told you about that."
"You can tell me again." He said smiling shyly.
"Her first word was 'Momma', two days after her first birthday. Meredith was there, so she heard it too. She took her first step at pretty much 13 months exactly, we were in the park and suddenly she stood up and walked away. It was pretty funny actually." She had to laugh at the hilarious memory of her one year old daughter just walking away from her.
"I tried not to spoil her but she still needed me to stay the whole time for her first day of kindergarten. That was…" she was interrupted by Owen's laugh. The thought of Cristina being stuck with a bunch of children for a whole day was very entertaining.
"Yeah well it wasn't fun. But I did it for Olivia. I still don't want to do it ever again. I still have nightmares sometimes." She chuckled. They both knew she was exaggerating a little.
"She loves a good competition. So she's like me that way, but she isn't as messy as I am, plus she's probably a better cook than me. She got that from you. Also she can be really stubborn, which I believe she got from the both of us." She stepped a little closer to Owen who was sitting on the bed listening, taking in every word she said.
"Go on. I want to know everything there is to know about my daughter." He smiled, a little seductively. Cristina wasn't sure what game he was playing. She bent down and put her hands on his knees.
"She is way too smart for her age, which makes it difficult to determine how much you can actually tell her without telling her too much." Their heads were only inches away from eachother. His breath became more rapid. After all those years she still had the same effect on him.
"What else?" He whispered.
"She is very passionate, just like their parents." She said softly, her nose touching his. How much she had missed him…
"Oh yes her parents are very passionate." He agreed while taking her head into his hands. Before she could say anything else he grabbed her, threw her on the bed and kissed her passionately. When their bodies met again, after ten years it felt like everything was falling into place. All the fights from earlier were forgotten and the heat of passion took over. It was just like coming home.
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They were under the blanket snuggled against eachother, just like they did all those years ago. He looked deep into her eyes. She stroke his cheek.
"Looks like you didn't forget." She chuckled.
"Forget what?"
"How to satisfy me." She grinned.
"Oh how could I ever. I know how to push your buttons." He grinned seductively.
"That you do." She said and went back to looking at him again. His hair was definitely whiter and you could see the pain of the past decade in his wrinkles. But underneath all that he was still the same Owen. And she was still the same Cristina, somewhere deep down.
"I can just give everything right back at you." She smiled. Of course.
"When I found out that I was pregnant and that I couldn't have an abortion… I was scared to death. I thought I was making the biggest mistake in my life by keeping her. Until I held her for the first time. It was like magic." She whispered. She felt like she needed to say it. Like she needed to tell him that she didn't just change her mind. That it took a long time to come to terms with everything.
Owen remained silent. He knew what she was talking about. He knew that she wanted him to hear that she had no choice. That she had needed the push. It was the most honest thing she could've said.
"Amelia's last words to me were that she hated me because I was subconsciously comparing her to you and she could never live up to that. She said you were the only person I could ever love…" His voice broke. Cristina looked at him and it broke her heart seeing him like this. She instinctively knew that she was the first person he had ever told this.
"Owen… I'm so –"
"Don't apologize. I've heard it a million times."
"Yeah I know."
They just lay there for a couple of minutes until Cristina got up and dressed herself. Meredith was waiting.
"She was right though." He said as she left the room. She just closed the door, pretending not to have heard his words. She couldn't do it to him again. But it seemed like it was too late already.
A/N: I hope you liked it and it wasn't too much. Let me know in the reviews!
